It is no accident that "stressed" spelled backwards is "dessert".

A friend is someone who brightens your day with a smile, a warm hello, or gentle words from the heart. A friend is a precious gift to be cherished, and nurtured. A friend is a treasure beyond worth. I am so grateful to call you my friend!!

-Anonymous

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

-E. Joseph Cossman

The older you get, the more you like to tell it like it used to be.

-Unknown

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

-Doug Larson

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

-June Henderson

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

-Dennis Fakes

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

--Finster's law

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

-Steve Bluestone

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."

-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"

-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

-Samuel Goldwyn

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"Sis, even if you were adopted, I'd still love you..".

American Greetings, from a 'less-than-tasteful' greeting card, 1997

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

-Samuel Goldwyn

"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either."

-Joseph Fischer

"Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it."

-Unknown

"It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."

-Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.

"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."

-Doug Larson

"I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?"

-Carole Burnett

"Dear Mary: We all knew you had it in you."

-Dorothy Parker, telegram to friend who had given birth

"The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any."

-Katharine Whitehorn

"Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?"

-Katharine Whitehorn

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."

-Tallula Bankhead

Time's fun when you're having flies. -Kermit the Frog