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The following were found in  Jewish Humor letters provided by:

Charley Warady, Humor Editor jokes@virtual.co.il   of  Virtual Jerusalem.

I'd like to tell my wife this joke but she won't let me.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

You have to be Jewish!

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle

of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem.

On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting.

The Rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.

The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz.

The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.

Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind: "Ma nish tana halilah hazeh!" The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights"...

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday... "

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20   "gates" in the fastest time.

Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.  Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.  The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.  The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!!

"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exhausted Israeli: "Alright...who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"

Finally, a slightly dirty joke!

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?""No, I'll tell you when"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

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This page was last updated on 10/28/2001