Jewish Humor 4

So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master, and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much. And that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. And I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Gray that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family.

About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Gray during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as could be.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

IF MICROSOFT WERE A JEWISH COMPANY ----

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt".

2. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already. You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back
of your PC you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".

13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!".

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

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