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Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.  And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffer and all."

"Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous dinner. Kosher even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL.  He turns completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"

Sadie: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear a shmatta."

From Sy

ACTUAL PERSONALS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build a Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar, B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB76.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my  independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah Candles, Havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts & deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand  your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track & field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

From my Sister, Ellen

Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.

First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.

Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street.

Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...

Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, ne้ Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.

The chairman said, "Please state your name."

In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."

"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"

"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."

The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"

"Goy."

An old Jewish man in Florida, in his 80's, calls his son, in New York. The father says to the son, " I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we are divorcing That's it!!! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." 

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and gets her father, on the phone. She pleads to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We will be there Friday night." 

The father says, "All right, all right already." 

He hangs up the phone, and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Passover. Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?"

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Jerold H Feinstein saftyrma@yahoo.com
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This page was last updated on 10/28/2001