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The first three are from Charley Wardol's "late" humor letter.
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.
It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block.
With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? "
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.
In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes"shmurtle."
Sample Usage Comparisons:
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"
English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
English: "Anything can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's
wrong with it?"
English: "It's been so long since you've called
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heart broken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature ? "
The Rebbe replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."
Morris said, " So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service ? "
The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ?
This one comes from BernieK2
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev.Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds of troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news.
Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.
Better to read nothing but good news!"
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Jerold H
Feinstein saftyrma@yahoo.com
