Jewish Humor 11

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All on this page are from my sister

Sometimes, I wonder...

A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif (non kosher food) that the rabbi could not bear to think about them.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend for he could take it no longer.

"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant? (rabbi nods yes).

Did you see me order this meal? (again he nods yes).

Did you see the waiter bring me this food? (again he nods yes).

And did you see me eat it? (nods yes).

Then, rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!"

Subject: Talmudic Logic

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat.At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant, he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Wait-just outside Moscow, there is a little village call Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going toSamvet?

He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two-The Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going?

The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband.

Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I am not mistaken.

But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name, he must have some special status.

What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you sir." answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh", replied the scholar, "it was obvious."

And something not so obvious

A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their Orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"So, at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No, " answered the rabbi.

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," replies the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage to have Jewish children!"

"What about different positions?" ask the man.

"No problem" says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Women on top?" asks the man.

"Why not?" is the response. "Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!"

"Without clothes?"

"Of course! It's a mitzvah!"