Jewish_Humor

Man : Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it!

R: Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.

R: Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faith(s?). The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."

The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

A man is walking down the street in Scottsdale, Arizona when a beautiful woman appears out of nowhere right in front of him...completely nude...with green skin. Stunned, the man starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that"? "Oh," says the woman,

"I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space.'" "Andromeda"? says the man, "Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you"?

"Yes," replies the woman, "everyone is green on Andromeda. The man continues to stare and speak.

"Excuse me for asking, but I can't help but noticing you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot"?

"And forgive me for saying this, but it's hard not to notice," the man says, "but you have three breasts. Do all Andromedan women have three breasts"?

"I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have large diamonds on their fingers"?

A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh.

The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be "Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out. (glug) (glug)."

Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever. There, he was turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg.

Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit of a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released. He then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back.

However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read "Stay away! Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if you know a nice girl." Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl and played "Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.

When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!"

The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read "LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER." Talk shows posed questions like: "What's more important, parenthood or politics?" "What if an American boy was held in Israel?" "Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami?" "Guess how much I paid for this?" It was ugly.

The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because she had no job , no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been in.

Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get into the area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of neighbors poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time they entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons. The boy was taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.

To Lobby of Jewish Page		To my central homepage		To my general Humor page

Page 1	Page 2	Page 3	Page 4	Page 5	Page 6	Page 7	Page 8	Page 9	Page 10	Page 11	Page 12
Page 13	Page 14	Page 15	Page 16	Page 17