Jewish Humor 15

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all of one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you do.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n.going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help, and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "Let's try it again, only reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see; THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Four gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other three complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schlepps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Max the cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

From BernieK

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a
card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robe."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a really nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

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