Alcohol Abuse

Any opinons expressed here are my own, and this was a very difficult page for me to write. I have tried not to get into too much depth but enough to at least help you to understand where I was coming from or going through. I have been very honest here. This page is to hopefully help someone else. Please do not judge. Thank you

My earliest memories of alcohol abuse were from my sister. I'm not sure how old I was but young enough that my niece was taken from my sister by my mom to raise as she didn't want my niece raised in this environment. I can remember my sister coming to visit, my niece hiding behind my mother, crying her little heart out, begging my Mom not to let her go with her mom. It tore me apart what was going on with my sister, and the effects she had on her children. I seen this at a very young age the pain she was causing them. Her marriage dissolved, and alcohol abuse was a major factor involved.

I was very close to my sister she practically raised me somewhat as her oldest son and I were only three and a half years apart, so we sort of grew up as buddies.

I remember a time when she was admitted to a ward of the hospital to help her with her problems. I remember this summer very well. I would get up in the morning, go down and visit with her the whole day and stay with her until the hospital hours for visitors were over. My sister meant alot to me. She was my only sister and alot older then I. I remember one day sitting there visiting her and she started slicing her wrists. I ran for help to the nurse, and then deep down I was so afraid that she was gonna give me trouble, but all I could think of was this is my sister, I don't want her to die. Luckily she was saved from this and she got better for a while and as always the drinking started again.

Her lifestyle choices eventually passed down to her children. After my mom could no longer take care of DonnaMarie, my niece, as she had a stroke and my father passed away, my niece went back to her mom's to live. Unfortunately for my niece, she was at the most impressionable age. Her teenage years. My niece is only seven years younger then I am, we grew up more as sisters then aunt and niece. I love her dearly. However, she has followed in her mom's footsteps. Abusing alcohol, the verbal and physical abuse of her loved ones. Even so far as stealing from me, to support her habits or whatever her reasons might be I really don't know. Luckily my sister stopped drinking about ten years or so ago. For whatever reasons she's been sober all these years and now is trying to teach her daughter from her mistakes. The unfortunate part as we all know is you can't make someone else stop drinking. You can try to reach them but only they can want to change themselves.

The other night I sat here and tried to reason with my niece. She was very drunk and totally out of control. Whatever was I thinking to try to talk to her while she was not sober. I told her how very much I loved her, but I would NOT put up with her state, that she needed to think of her child... did she want her son to grow up and treat his wife or girl friend the same way her and her husband treat each other? Did she want her son to abuse alcohol and drugs? This is what your teaching your son!! When she wouldn't stop mouthing off to her husband, I told them to get out and to not come back to my house unless they were sober. They came the next day and apologized. This however will not stop the problem until she admits she has one. Only she can get help for herself.

Anyway I'm getting a bit a head of myself. My sister caused my parents and us kids alot of grief with her problem with alcohol. More then once her and my brother Bob who also was quite the heavy drinker would get into physical arguments and fights, upset my poor mother, it was a very hard time for us all. So this leads me to the second person who abused alcohol, my brother Bob.

This will be the most difficult story for me to tell as my brother is now deceased and no matter how many times I talked to a therapist about this, the betrayal I feel is with me the rest of my life.

When I was fifteen years old, my mother had a severe stroke my dad a severe heart attack. I was invited to stay at my girlfriends and had asked my sister in laws permission to do so, which she gave. On Sunday when I returned my brother Bob called me some not so nice names, then proceeded to beat the living day lights out of me. He claimed I had gone without permission, and my sister in law sat back and said nothing. I told my parents about this but they were very sick at the time and as far as I know nothing was ever done about this.

The next incident was one time I was babysitting for them, I had often slept over on the couch. I woke up to my drunken brother fondling me. I was scared and felt very betrayed by this. He was my brother. From that day on he was no longer he broke my trust. My mom had asked me why I hated my brother Bob so much. I eventually told her this too. Once again nothing was done.

The next person that abused alcohol and touched my life was my husband. We are now divorced. When I met Eric I knew he drank a bit too much but I thought oh he's single just having a good time with his friends he will stop all this when he's more settled or when we get married. Silly me. I have since learned you better like the person the way they are cause they aren't going to change, unless THEY want to change.

I think the first problem was when he went out drinking, he wouldn't come home until the next day. I would be up most of the night if not all night, worried sick whether he was ok, if he had been in an accident, having no idea where he might be. Never a phone call saying sorry "Hun, I've had too much to drink will sleep it off and be home in the morning," or his friends would not call saying he passed out and that they would send him home when he slept it off. Just no word at all. He would never understand why I would be very upset when he did get home and he had a wonderful habit of turning things around making it my fault and I would end up apologizing for who knows what reason.

Sometimes he would scare me half to death by turning off the headlights of the car and take a very sharp corner on a dark highway. I would yell to pull over and I would get out of the car and walk home. The need to make sure he would be ok would sometimes endanger my own life.

I can remember one incident where we had been at his friends place, and he excused himself to go to the washroom. After about 30 minutes of him not returning I went upstairs to see what had happened. I found him in a bedroom with the door shut, when I opened the door he was on the bed with this girl. They claimed he was only trying to wake her up, and how dare I not trust him. When we got back to our apartment, I watched him rip apart the apartment, tore the phone right off the wall after I called my sister to come and help me. He turned the refridgerator upside down, totally destroyed the apartment. My sister arrived told me to pack my belongings and get the heck out of there. But silly me, still thought he would change, and stayed in this horrible situation.

When I got married, I committed to my marriage for life. I was going to make this marriage work no matter what, or so I thought. I deeply loved my husband and he could be so sweet when he wanted to. He had two different personalities. The sweet husband he could be was the one I hoped to see more of. So I hung in there.

We had three lovely sons together. Daniel, Adam and Joshua. Daniel was diagnosed with AD/HD as he reached school years and had a hard time focussing in class, alot of behavior problems were quite evident with Daniel. He had a lot of energy and had a hard time to concentrate. He sought attention in anyway he could get it even though he was getting alot of attention at home as well. It was just never enough for him. Adam and Joshua were diagnosed with autism at a fairly young age. My husband had a hard time accepting that his sons were less then perfect. His family also blamed me and my family for the problems with the children saying it couldn't possibly come from their "perfect" family. To me it did not matter. Getting my children the help they needed was the most important issue at hand. Helping my children be all they could be.

It was during this period I was having alot of health problems as well. I had some minor surgery done, and had to take male hormone meds to stop my menstrations for six months. I found myself very short tempered during this time, I couldn't stand living with myself, so discontinued the meds after four months. My children needed me, needed my patience, needed me strong for them. On this medication I was not able to be the best mom I needed to be for them.

My marriage was having severe problems by this time. More counselling but nothing was going to change. He was in Alcoholics Anonymous for awhile, I went to Al-Anon, a group for friends and families of Alcoholics. This helped me alot to accept things. Change what I could, which was my children. They needed me they needed my help. My husband was an adult and made his own choices. He was drinking on the side, lying and cheating. He claimed the affairs were always started when he drank. I often said if you do something you wouldn't normally do because your drinking, then you need to stop. But I think that was just an excuse to justify his actions.

About three years after this point, my husband had his last affair. I came home early one evening to find him and his girlfriend in our house in our bedroom. I told her to get out of our house, and once she had left, I walked out. I have never regretted that decision to this day. There was no trust, no respect, nothing was left not even love by this point. Just alot of bitterness.

All I can say is how very glad I am for the sake of my children to be finally out of that situation. Although Adam misses his father and I miss Daniel as he chose to stay with his father, my life is more at peace now. I'm not laying awake at night wondering if he will come home, if he's ok, who he might be with.

We both made mistakes in our relationship, but it's very hard to deal with the alcoholism when the person just doesn't see they have a problem. If you know anyone who's life is being affected by an Alcoholic, please refer them to Al-Anon. You can't change the alcoholic but you can change how you deal with them and how they affect your life.