In January, 1997,  I received the shock of a lifetime.  Something happened to me that has changed my life forever.

I had been involved in a motor vehicle accident six months prior in which I had sustained physical injuries.  Due to the fact that I had been in another car accident 8 years prior to that and suffered physical injuries, I didn't clue in that I wasn't adapting as well mentally to this most recent car accident as I had with the previous one.  For some strange reason, I couldn't pull myself out of the hole I seemed to be entering into.

I feel the worst part of this change is that I was ignorant (uninformed) of the symptoms of clinical depression that had slowly crept into my previously stable and emotionally "safe" world.  My knowledge on mental health issues was rather limited at the time.

I had been sitting on the couch at home for the past three days unable to sleep and do nothing but cry.  I was unable to perform even the simplest of tasks.  My husband had worked the night shift without a day off during that month and prior to going to bed, I informed him I was unable to do the laundry (a job I'd always enjoyed) and that he would have to do it himself.  I don't know where I expected him to find the time, I only knew that I was incapable of doing anything.  I no longer found pleasure or enjoyment as a part of my life.

I attended my family Doctor's office early on a Friday morning in a state of emotional upheaval explaining to my Doctor that for some reason I just couldn't cope and function the way I normally did.
 
 

My Doctor then called the Trauma Unit of our local hospital and set up an appointment for me to attend the hospital later that afternoon.  My husband drove me to this appointment and we were scheduled to pick up my step-daughter an hour later.

After being seen by a Psychiatrist, I was told that I was suffering from "Post Traumatic Stress" "Clinical Depression" and "Personality Disorder."

Unfortunately, they may as well have spoken to me in a foreign language, one that I had no knowledge of......I had no idea what they were saying to me.  It was totally incoherent to me and all I remember doing is crying throughout the whole process.

After speaking with the Psychiatrist on duty, I was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit.  At the time of admittance, the only thing I knew about mental health was the paperwork I was required to process at my place of employment.  I was aware of the so called "rules" of admittance and wanted to ensure that I was being admitted voluntarily and not being "committed" without my knowledge.

Upon admittance, I became paranoid about the other patients (again due to my ignorance) and wasn't quite sure what road I was about to travel on.

Fortunately, I'm pleased to say that the majority  of my misconceptions were unnecessary (thank God).  The people I met were from all walks of life from a retail clerk to high level executives.  The vast majority were not "crazy" to the naked eye and did not run around trying to hurt each other.

Once I was admitted to the hospital, I was scheduled to undergo a very aggressive drug therapy that included lithium.  Again, I was very ignorant and misinformed.  I had always believed that lithium was a drug for "psychotic" patients.  In reality, I've been told that it's a form of salt that helps get the medication into a patients body on a much quicker schedule.

I had advised my husband (again due to my misconceptions) that if he saw me "totally out of it" or "unresponsive" to contact my family Physician immediately as I did not want to become a statistic of the walking dead in zombie land.

For anyone who has never suffered from clinical depression, it is an experience that is very difficult to understand.

Since I am a patient and not a Doctor, the best I can do is try to explain what happens to me when depression sets foot into my world.  Each individual is different....however, this is a bit of what I go through during those time periods.

Clinical depression has a tendency to sneak up on me...one minute I'm fine, the next I feel as though I've fallen into a bottomless pit and cannot find a way out.  I describe this time as "flat lining".  During these periods, I do just that.  I have no emotion in my mind, body or soul.  When I speak, it is without emotion.  When someone attempts to comfort me, I pull away and feel as though they are intruding into my life and personal space when not welcome.  I have a tendency to want to curl up in bed in a fetal position with the covers over my head.  During these time periods I become very "melancholy" and "catatonic".

With me, there are warning signs, however, unfortunately, I never seem to take notice of them until it's far to late.  (**update December 29, 2000 - during this past year, I've begun to recognize the warning signs.  Although my husband is much more observant of the patterns, I am slowly catching on and am able to obtain my Psyschiatrist's assistance and intervention at a much earlier state.

Losing all interest in everyday events is common for me.  I do not want to talk to anyone.  I do not wish to see anyone.  I'm in my own world....it's a personal Hell.  None or extremely low energy is very common.  Having a tendency to overeat is also very common in my case.  It is my understanding that when a patient is suffering from clinical depression they usually lose their appetite...unfortunately I have a tendency to overeat which does little to soothe my self esteem and self confidence afterwards.  During these time periods, I can't focus on what's good or celebrate even small accomplishments.

When I'm in an extremely deep form of clinical depression, I have had the tendency to have suicidal thoughts in my past.  That is one area of my life that is very difficult to discuss.  Due to my religious beliefs (against suicide), I feel as though I'd be betraying God, yet, I also feel as though I can't take it anymore, that nothing is going to change.  All the fight has been taken out of me at this time.  On the positive side, what prevents me from committing suicide is the thought of my husband or step-daughter finding my body.  I feel I have been traumatized enough and why leave feelings of guilt towards others when it's not their fault.  (**update December 29, 2000 - During the first week of May, 2000, I was readmitted to our hospital psychiatric unit with suicidal tendencies.  It's very sad and hard to admit that this time, the only thing that stopped me was the fact that we couldn't afford a funeral.  I was extremely disappointed with myself in that I had promised myself I would only go around the circle once.  On the positive side, a very dear friend of my who is a Psychologist, took the time to explain to me that if I'd been admitted to the hospital with an illness such as diabetes, would I still feel disappointed? My response was "Of course not".  Her reply was "There you go, you're fighting an illness and obtaining the proper treatment".

Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain.  It is not something one can control, nor snap out of.  "Smile" "You're Weak" "Just move on and forget about the past"!  Yes, I've heard them all.  Unfortunately, the people saying those things have no idea that I cannot control the chemicals in my brain.  Does one actually believe that I would put myself through this torment if I didn't have to?  I can't speak for others, however, clinical depression to me is far from "party time" and I would give anything not to suffer from it.  One of the wost statements I've heard to date is "You just have to know how to talk to those (types of) people".

There are medications available that I must take on a daily basis - possibly for the rest of my life.  Even with those medications, one can slip back into depression at any time.  I am hoping that I will be able to provide you with a section on this topic as well.  Treatment for psychiatric illness' is currently hit and miss.  What may work well on one patient may not assist another patient.  I have had to try numerous combinations of medications during these past three years.

When clinical depression strikes, I feel useless, unworthy of the space I'm taking up in this world.  My heart and soul have been broken.  The fight has gone out me and I see no way of getting my spirit back.

At these times, I do not see the accomplishments I've made.  Nor do I see the good things that I've done in my life or anything positive to make someone's life better.  These writings serve as two purposes:  1) to raise public awareness of these illness' and 2) to provide a useful and helpful topic of discussion to viewers so that they become aware that they are not alone. 

Clinical depression can last for days, weeks, months and even years.

I'd like to mention at this time about something I feel very strongly about.  For a person to suffer from clinical depression, it DOES NOT necessarily mean that they grew up mistreated, abused or unbalanced.  I also believe that Illness should not be equated to weakness.

I grew up in what I consider a very common upbringing for people of my age.  I do not consider myself as being abused.  I grew up with two parents as role models (they're still together after almost 50 years).  I am the middle child of three children and do not believe I received any more or less attention than my siblings did.  There were no "favourites" in our home.  We all were treated equally and very well as far as I'm concerned.

For some unknown reason, one seems to presume that a person with mental illness must have come from a dysfunctional background.  I have very strong opinions against that belief and feel that this can and does happen to anyone.

I have lost friendships, acquaintances and in many ways social acceptance since becoming a patient with a mental illness.  I no longer want to socialize when in this frame of mind and yes I am well aware "you've changed".  Thanks for pointing that out to me and making me feel all that much worse.

Upon returning to my place of employment on two occasions in the above state, I felt as though I were an exhibit in a circus.  People didn't know how to act around me.  It was very awkward.  I'd lost social skills which I once took for granted, no longer remembered the names of people (my memory is effected tremendously) and concentration is very difficult.

I'm well aware that "I've changed" and to be honest with you...I don't know if I'll ever be the person I was prior to becoming a survivor - yes survivor (I've made it this far) however, I do know that each day is difficult.

When I have a great day and see a bit of the "old me" returning, I'm in heaven.  I enjoy seeing a part of me returning, even if only temporarily.

Remember, we're not freaks.  We're doing the best we can to function in a world that has betrayed us in many ways with the ignorance it has shown towards mental health issues.  Please don't become one of those betrayers.

To read about "My Story", depression, anxiety, stress, panic attacks, post traumatic stress and more, please hit the "next" button below.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

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Disclaimer: This site is meant to be informative and educational. If you suspect you have,  are suffering from a mental illness or think you have some of the symptoms listed here -- PLEASE see your physician.  You need a professional opinion be able to have a correct diagnosis.
 

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By Di. All Rights Reserved
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Last updated January 4, 2001