John Powell, A Professor
at Loyola University in Chicago writes about a
student in his Theology of
Faith class named Tommy:
Some twelve years ago, I
stood watching my university students file into the
classroom for our first session in the Theology
of Faith. That was the
first day I first saw
Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He
was combing
his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below
his shoulders.
It was the first time I
had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess
it
was just coming into
fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn't
what's on your
head but what's in it that counts; but on that
day I was unprepared and my
emotions flipped.
I immediately filed Tommy
under "S" for strange. Very strange.
Tommy turned out to be the
"atheist in residence" in my Theology
of Faith
course. He constantly
objected to, smirked at, or whined about
the
possibility of
an unconditionally loving Father-God.
We lived with each other
in relative peace for one semester, although I admit
he was for me at times a serious pain in the back
pew.
When he came up
at the end of the course to turn in his final
exam, he asked in a slightly cynical
tone:
"Do you think I'll
ever find God?"
I decided instantly on a
little shock therapy.
"No!" I said
very emphatically.
"Oh," he
responded, "I thought that was the product
you were pushing."
I let him get five steps
from the classroom door and then called out:
"I am absolutely
certain that he will find you!"
He shrugged a little and
left my class and my life.\
I felt
slightly disappointed at the thought that he
had missed my clever line: "He will
find you!" At least I thought it
was clever.
Later I heard that Tommy
had graduated and I was duly grateful. Then
a sad
report, I heard that Tommy
had terminal cancer. Before I could search
him out,
he came to see me. When he walked into my office,
his body was very badly
wasted, and the long hair had all fallen out as a
result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright
and his voice was firm, for the first time . . .
I believe.
"Tommy, I've thought
about you so often. I hear you are sick!" I
blurted
out.
"Oh, yes, very sick.
I have cancer in both lungs. It's a matter
of weeks."
"Can you talk about
it, Tom?"
"Sure, what would you
like to know?"
"What's it like to be
only twenty-four and dying?"
"We'll, it could be
worse."
"Like what?"
"Well, like being
fifty and having no values or ideals, like being
fifty
and thinking that booze,
seducing women, and making money are the
real 'biggies'
in life."
I began to look through my
mental file cabinet under "S" where I
had
filed Tommy as strange.
(It seems as though everybody I try to reject
by
classification God sends
back into my life to educate me.)
"But what I really
came to see you about," Tom said, " is
something you
said to me on the last day
of class."
(He remembered!)
He continued, "I
asked you if you thought I would ever find God
and you said,
'No!' which surprised me. Then you said, 'But he
will find you.' I
thought about that a lot,
even though my search for God was hardly intense
at that time.
(My "clever"
line. He thought about that a lot!)
"But when the doctors
removed a lump and told me that it was
malignant, then I
got serious about locating God. And when the
malignancy spread into my
vital organs, I really
began banging bloody fists against the bronze
doors of
heaven.
But God did not come out.
In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try
anything for a long time
with great effort and with no success? You
get psychologically
glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit.
Well, one day
I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more
futile appeals over that high brick wall to
a God who may be or may not be there I just quit.
I decided that I didn't really care . . .
about God, about an afterlife, or anything
like that.
"I decided to spend
what time I had left doing something more
profitable. I thought about you and your class
and I remembered something
else you had said:
The essential sadness is
to go through life without loving. But it
would be almost equally sad to go through life
and leave
this world without ever telling those you loved
that you had loved them.'
"So I began with the
hardest one: my Dad. He was reading the newspaper
when I approached him."
"Dad". . .
"Yes, what?" he
asked without lowering the newspaper.
"Dad, I would like to
talk with you."
"Well, talk."
"I mean. . . . It's
really important."
The newspaper came down
three slow inches. "What is it?"
"Dad, I love you. I
just wanted you to know that."
Tom smiled at me and said
with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt
a warm
and secret joy flowing inside of him:
"The newspaper
fluttered to the
floor. Then my father
did two things I could never remember him ever
doing before. He cried and
he hugged me. And we talked all night, even
though he had to go to work
the next morning. It felt
so good to be close to my father, to see
his
tears, to feel his hug, to
hear him say that he loved me.
"It was easier with
my mother and little brother. They cried with
me,
too, and we hugged each
other, and started saying real nice things to
each other.
We shared the things we had been keeping secret
for so many years.
I was
only sorry about one thing: that I had waited so
long. Here I was just beginning
to open up to all the people I had actually been
close to.
"Then, one day I
turned around and God was there. He didn't come
to me
when I pleaded with him. I
guess I was like an animal trainer holding out
a
hoop, 'C'mon, jump
through. 'C'mon, I'll give you three days . . .
three
weeks.' Apparently God
does things in his own way and at his own hour.
"But the
important thing is that he was there. He found
me. You were right. He found me even after I
stopped looking for him."
"Tommy," I
practically gasped, "I think you are saying
something very
important and much more
universal than you realize. To me, at least, you
are saying
that the surest way to find God is not to make
him a private possession, a problem solver,
or an instant consolation
in time of need, but rather by opening to
love.
You know, the
Apostle John said that. He said God is love, and
anyone who lives in love is
living with God and God is living in him.'
"Tom, could I ask you
a favor? You know, when I had you in class
you
were a real pain. But
(laughingly) you can make it all up to me now.
Would
you come into my present
Theology of Faith course and tell them what you
have just told me? If I told them the same
thing it wouldn't be half as effective as if
you were to tell them."
"Oooh . . . I was
ready for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for
your
class."
"Tom, think about it.
If and when you are ready, give me a call."
In a few days Tommy
called, said he was ready for the class, that
he
wanted to do that for God
and for me. So we scheduled a date.
However, he never made it.
He had another appointment, far more
important than the one
with me and my class.
Of course, his life was
not really ended by his death, only changed.
He made the great step from faith into
vision. He found a life far more beautiful than
the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of
man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever
imagined.
Before he died, we talked
one last time. "I'm not going to make it
to
your class," he said.
"I know, Tom."
"Will you tell them
for me? Will you . . tell the whole world for
me?"
"I will, Tom. I'll
tell them. I'll do my best."
So, to all of you who have
been kind enough to hear this simple
statement
about love, thank you for
listening.
And to you, Tommy,
somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of
heaven:
"I told them, Tommy .
. . as best I could."
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