When she comes running towards you from the woods and is covered with Yellowjackets [wasps] you will likely get stung.

I learned I can't outrun either the Yellowjackets or the dog.

I learned it's good to carry antihistimines when you hike.

I learned that your wife and friends will not hang around to help you get rid of the bees.

I learned that neither will your other dog who ran away with your wife and friends.

I learned that you can suffer secondary injuries from running through the bushes away from the bees.

I learned to carry a compass to find my way back to the trail because you may have to run a long way to get away from the bees who are hitching a ride on your dog who is following you through the bushes. 

Scotty [Lumpy] [NO! NO! Go AWAY! I don't want to meet your little friends! OUCH! OUCH!]

Becky [ Hey, these little varmints are nasty! Dad! HELP!!!!]

Peggy Sue [Feet, do your thing! I'm Outa here!]

Wife and [former] Friends [Outa the way Peggy Sue or we'll run over you!]

A fine, crisp fall morning here in the Northwest. A perfect day for a mushroom hunt! Off to

the woods with the dogs and my wife! It's a perfect morning, the mushrooms plentiful.

Michael is off up the hill, I am down in a canyon. The dogs are off doing dog things. All is

well. We regroup on the trail. Michael wrinkles her nose and glares at me accusingly. "Did you-

---"? "No, says I, I thought it was you--!"At this point all eyes focus on Becky who is sitting

on the trail with the original s*** eating grin on her face. "Oh no!" Exclaims the master. Dog

looks *very* guilty. This is the dog I shared my sandwich with. She drinks out of my water

bottle. I have been throwing a stick for her. I smell my hand. There is no doubt. So much for

the fresh autumn air. We head for the truck to get the Tic-Tacs we stupidly left behind. Dog

eats Tic-Tacs. Now smells about like someone took a dump under a pine tree, but this is an

improvement.

Does anyone have a cure for this disgusting situation? No, not a cure for the dog. That's

probably impossible. A cure for the inconsiderate lazy jerk that caused the problem because

they don't know how to s*** in the woods!

I will share a fantasy with you if I may [fantasies change when you're over 50]. I picture myself

in camouflage clothing, Becky with a camouflage doggy-pack. Her pack contains a supply of

cheap plastic trowels, and some manuals complete with graphics providing explicit instructions

on how to s*** in the woods. For reasons obvious to the reader, Becky will be wearing a

muzzle.We hide on the trail head. We follow a group of hikers. As one individual with a

strained look on his face laterals into the woods, we covertly follow him. Just as he drops his

trousers we leap out of the brush shouting "freeze! It's Mr. Poopers, and his wonder dog,

Becky!" I will have a shotgun. "Capitulate or die, scum bucket", I will shout. He will read the

manual. Becky will pass him a trowel. He will do his business properly forever after.

Becky and I will be famous. We will do product endorsements for Kohler; and Charmin'. We

will be on Oprah, and Geraldo will call us. We will be internationally known and feared. 50

years from now, when children go to the woods their parents won't say "look out for the

bears". They will say "beware of Mr. Poopers and Becky". No one will drop their trousers in

the outdoors without first looking furtively around them and digging a proper hole in which to

do their business.

 Becky [Geez, dad, I know it stinks but it tastes better than those Tic-Tacs.]

Peggy Sue [Why is Becky riding home in the back of the bus?]

Following the thread on how our dogs hunt, thought I'd jump in--! Becky has a *powerful*

hunting instinct, unlike Peggy Sue who will [I have seen this!] sit within three feet of a squirrel

looking it in the eyes--I think they communicate. Peggy Sue has no desire to *kill* anything.

But Becky---that's another matter! I have been able to call her off of cats, deer, etc. when she

decided to chase, but I discovered there is a critter she simply cannot control herself over--

squirrels!

We have an **overabundance** of Douglas squirrels in our yard, every year this time they

come to try and rob the bird feeders. The feeders are squirrel-resistant, but they hang on the

feeders and scare off the birds.

Not being a killer type anymore, I have trapped them for the last two years and relocated them;

usually across a river or freeway, and away from the bus lines. As clever as they are about

robbing my feeders, I'm sure they are capable of purchasing a bus ticket and coming home.

Becky lays near the patio door and watches the trap. If I get a squirrel, she moans loudly and

emits a high, keening noise, pressing her nose so hard against the glass that her nose bends at a

90 degree angle. Talk about dog snot on the glass--! I made the mistake of letting her out into

the yard with a squirrel in the trap. I had *no control* over her--she charged the trap with

gusto, flipping it high in the air, trying to rattle the poor critter out of it.

Also, on one of our *freedom rides* to free a squirrel, [I put 60 miles on the van this weekend

driving squirrels to a new home] I took the girls along in the Hairvagen to a local park. I lifted

the tailgate to the van, and lowered but didn't latch it. When I released the squirrel, Becky

blasted the back door of the hair mobile open and the chase was on! Poor squirrel felt dog

breath on that one, I'll tell you!

So far this year we have relocated 10 squirrels and still they hang off the feeders--! Oh, well, as

long as the trap is in the yard I won't have to look far for Becky!

 Becky [Lemmee have one, Pleeeeaaase? I won't hurt him much, just wanna munch him a little---!!]

Peggy Sue [Hey, what's the big deal? I'd rather have a cookie!]

Tail wagging is very expressive, in my dogs. Here are some of my observations:

The "WAHOO" wag. This is reserved for charging down a steep canyon, bounding over

rocks, trees, bushes and other small impediments while rotating a very erect tail; using it for

balance and as an aileron. Sometimes used while chasing small [or large] game.  

The "COOKIE SWEEP" wag. Used by both dogs in synchronization; while sitting on the

kitchen floor, excitedly awaiting a goodie or two. For goodies they go to a sit position so

quickly they make a resounding *thud* when their butts hit the floor. 

The "HAPPY DOG HULA" or "FULL BODY WIGGLE" wag. Reserved for happy

occasions such as greeting you after a long absence; like returning from the mailbox or

returning from work each night. Also used in greeting new people; and much to his chagrin, the

mailman. 

The "OH HI" wag. Best demonstrated from a horizontal position, this is used when you enter

a room occupied by a sleeping dog, usually consists of two or three "thumps" on the floor,

then back to sleep. 

The "GET UP DAD" wag. This is the one where both dogs stand in the narrow hallway

outside the bedroom when you try to sleep in, and bang their tails on both sides of the hall

while "singing" loudly until you get up or get mad. 

The "HUMMINGBIRD QUIVER" wag. Only Becky does this one. This is done while laying

prone on the down comforter at bed time. Just the last 3 inches of the tail moves in a fast

fluttering motion. Nothing else moves, except the eyes, which fasten themselves upon my face

with an "I love you so much you make my tail quiver" expression. This look would melt

butter. I've tried to teach this one to my wife, in vain, I fear.  

Becky [My favorite is the WAHOO! Wag! Let's go chase something like that deer I found yesterday below the house!]

Peggy Sue [My tail is pretty, as befits a sophisticate such as I. Looks like a great feathery plume. Makes a great duster!]

 Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature

Ah! November 22 and still no hard freeze! So off to the woods to check on the Chanterelle

situation. The area we are hunting today is muddy as can be; and of course the girls are rolling

in the mud. The only parts of the dogs recognizable are the eyes. All else is liberally coated in

mud. This I can deal with. As a matter of fact the mud makes the hair wet and sticky in the

Hairmobile so you can open a window without wearing a surgical mask for a change. Once the

mud dries in the van, we just take the air compressor and blow out the big stuff. The dogs,

however, must be shampooed before they come in the house. They resemble moving dirt

clods. Isn't life with Goldens great?

But--they have learned that Chanterelles are edible; although of inferior quality to deer scat! So

now, in addition to trying to outwit the commercial pickers, I have to fight my own dogs for

the spoils of the forest! At least today the 'shrooms were plentiful. Both dogs ate their fill and

we still brought home over 50 LBS. Tomorrow we feast! Happy Thanksgiving, all!!  

Becky [I'm really really interested in those pies mom is baking--!]

Peggy Sue [ I'm tired from all the mushroom picking and eating--BURRRRRRP!] 

Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature

Remember the recent thread on Goldens as watch dogs? I had a chance to test my canine

killers last night.

Got home from work at midnight. Opened the automatic garage door, which is so noisy it

should wake the dead. Got out of the truck, slammed the door.[Bam!] Opened the door into

the laundry room. Closed the door, firmly [slam!]. Opened the door into the family room.

There; sound asleep, Becky, Peggy Sue, and my wife; Michael. Peggy Sue on the futon with

my wife, all four feet straight up in the air [Peggy Sues, not Michaels] with her head stuffed

under a pillow. Michael sound asleep, TV on, book in hand. Becky curled up on one of the

L.L. Bean dog beds at Michaels feet. Total bliss! I stood there for at least a minute, listening to

the snoring. Finally, I knelt down and put a hand on each dog. [I know better than to put a

hand on a sleeping wife--! I might lose it!] Even with my hand on them they were slow to

awaken. I believe the Bosnian Army could have marched through the room and they would

have slept through it.

When they did awaken, they were smiling [the dogs, not my wife] as if they hadn't seen me for

weeks. I wonder what would have happened had the person been a bad guy? So much for the

protective watch dog stuff.  

Becky [You cheated! You snuck up on us! I knew you were there, really!]

Peggy Sue [I sleep with my feet in the air so I can give that bad guy a karate kick! I thought you knew that!] 

Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature

Holiday greetings; all! Just a word about our weather: WET! We are having record rainfall here

in SW Washington, lots of flooding. Lots of folks suffering. But--- not my girls! The meadow

below our home is flooded; as is the creek. A meadow the girls romp through several times a

week is now: *swimming territory*!

Wonderful dog fun, acres and acres of tall grass [8 ft.] sticking out of the water. Just the right

place for a *vigorous* game of fetch!

Down to the meadow in my Gore-tex clothes; with a tennis racket and *10* tennis balls in each

pocket. Need a wide-load sign for my butt in this outfit The rain is being driven by 25 MPH

winds--GREAT Golden weather! Here I am, swatting tennis balls hundreds of feet out into the

tall grass and water, two dogs fetching and searching **at full throttle**!! And then I feel

someone watching me. Looking behind me, I see three elderly ladies with large umbrellas

fighting the wind and rain. The look on their faces says it all---and I realize how this must look.

One crazy person in a camouflage coat, water pouring off me; tennis racket in hand and the

nearest court *miles* away, shouting above the wind at two wet, *wild* beasts to "find the

ball".

As soon as I smiled at the ladies and made eye contact, they sidled off to safety, never taking

their eyes off me until they achieved a safe distance from this wackabilly and his crazy canines.

Hope I don't make the evening news.

I did want to mention it's a good thing this breed wasn't around in Noah's time. Soon as they

saw the water, he couldn't have kept them on the Ark. 

Becky [WAHOOOOOOOO! Swat another LOOOOOONG one; dad!! I'll find it! I'll find it!]

Peggy Sue [Hey, I like this game; but *whatever* did you feed that red field dog this morning???? She's NUTS!!!!] 

Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature

Almost lost my best friend today. If you read the news you know the flooding here in S w

Washington has become very serious. The creeks and rivers are all at or above flood stage.

Creeks that are normally harmless chuckling brooks become roaring torrents of water. Where

usually there are sandy beaches the water is 5 ft. up into brush and blackberry vines. I went for

a 15 mile hike today with my buddy Hank and my two Goldens, Becky and Peggy Sue. Becky

jumped into a creek when I wasn't watching closely enough. She has been in this stretch of

water many times. Today it almost killed her.

She was swept downstream by a raging current she couldn't swim against; into a log jam. She

was sucked under the log jam, struggling to keep her head above the water. As soon as I saw

what was happening, I began tearing off my clothes in order to go in after her, which, in

retrospect, may have gotten me drowned as well as her. I had my coat, my pack, and one boot

off when by some miracle of God she managed to give a mighty lurch which put her on top of

one of the logs. She managed to get to the other shore, and came upstream far enough to swim

across to me, which was in itself a difficult feat. She had to hit a short section of shoreline, as

there is nothing below this stretch but blackberry vines on both sides of the creek. Both Becky

and I are pretty shaken by this experience. I managed to get my left foot in the creek, and

walked the last 8 miles home with a soggy stocking. Got a giant blister. Serves me right. It's

reminding me I should have had Becky on a lead if there was any danger to her. I feel *really*

dumb, and at the same time extremely grateful that my *best* friend is laying at my feet,

pooped out, as I write this. An experience like this reminds me just how much I love this dog.

I doubt I could forgive myself if I lost her through my own stupidity. 

Becky [Sorry, dad, I thought I could swim against the current. I did it a week ago! Somebody put more water here!]

Peggy Sue [I told you not to swim today, you idiot field dog! You really scared us!] 

Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature

HI ALL! Lots of private posts wondering how we fared. We are Ok here in Vancouver WA,

but most of the neighbors didn't do as well. Big firs down on the neighbors house. Lots of

damage. I stood at the windows; heart in mouth watching our **wonderful*** big firs

whipping like twigs in the wind. Stress city!

Becky was her usual cool self, slept through most of the storm. Went out into the street during

the worst of it [85 MPH] and threw tennis balls for her. Boy, does an 85 MPH wind ever

increase my throwing range! Becky had to really boogie to catch those balls!

Peggy Sue [AKA Nervous Nelly] didn't do as well. We finally had to give her a tranquilizer.

She was pretty well stoned when she needed to go potty. Michael accompanied her into the

back yard and the wind whipped a plastic bag by her at warp nine or so---that did it!

According to Peggy Sue it was an obvious attempt on her life by an ***ATTACK SACK***

and she preferred to hold it until all the plastic bags stopped moving.

So far this month, we have had flooding, more flooding, ice storms, and high winds. I heard a

rumor [my dogs started this one] that it just *might* hail cat s*** next week. Golden heaven,

eh?  

Becky [Yawwwwnnnn! What storm? I'm sleepy!]

Peggy Sue [ATTACK SACK!!!!! ATTACK SACK!!! PROTECT ME, MOM!!!!] 

Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature

I just couldn't leave this alone--after signing off last night I had a long political discussion with

my dogs, Becky and the Pigger. So far they're the only ones who make any sense out of this

current political environment. They saw the article on "neuticles" and assured me it was a

spelling error. They have information from a reliable source [Beavis & Butthead hehhehheh]

that the correct spelling is indeed "Newticles" and as we spoke **millions** of them are being

manufactured to be used in place of campaign buttons for the GOP drive to the Presidency in

'96. Soon, everyone will be pinning "Newticles" on their lapels. Collectors, better jump on this.

Someday these "Newticles" will be as highly sought after as your old "Tricky Dick" buttons. I

sure hope this posting doesn't get me "black-balled"! :-] 

Becky [Uhhhh, geez dad, these are neat--but can't I just have my tennis balls back now?]

Peggy Sue [Hey mom, can we hang these from the rear view mirror of the Hairmobile?] 

P.S. In the event my dogs are wrong about this, perhaps we have hit upon a way to recognize other Golden_l list members at shows? :-]  

Michael & Scotty

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; General Pixie, Lover of Every Creature