Well, the girls outdid themselves this time! While we were hunting mushrooms [Morels] in a

semi-arid area of Eastern Oregon; the girls managed to find an old cattle trough full of uh,

water. This thing hadn't been used for years, and the "water" was the consistency of split-pea

soup.

There must have been several inches of rust at the bottom of the trough. But--did that stop the

girls, in true Golden fashion, from a quick dip? Of course not! When we stepped out of the

brush and spotted them, Becky had completed her swim and had hopped out of the trough.

But Peggy Sue was immersed except for her head in this reddish colored slime. Now, Becky is

red to begin with. But Peggy Sue is [was] very blonde. You should have seen her, when she

flopped out of the trough, she was a brightorange color, except for her head. It stained her

coat, even a good bath didn't get much of it out. Sure looks funny--! Anyone out there know

what to use to wash this orange color out, or should we relax and let time take care of it? 

Peggy Sue [ Way coool, duuuuude! I think I'm gonna get my ears pierced, maybe my nipples, too! Hey mom, I'm into this punk thing. Help me fill out this application for Kurt Cobain's new church!]

Becky [You were bad enough with your "show dog" attitude. I'm not sure I'm gonna put up with this stuff. Turn down that boom box and take off those stupid sunglasses!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Are there actually Golden owners out there who *don't* share popcorn with their dogs?

Shame, shame. How selfish! :-] At our house the ratio is about 1 kernel for me, and 3 for each

dog. And how about the fun of tossing a handful in the air to watch the fun. These critters are

quick, when they want to be! Doubt if feeding them popcorn is a problem for the dogs, been

doing it for 5 years now. If we tried to eat popcorn without sharing, our feet would be soaked

in drool. Not to mention the psychotherapy fees made necessary by the guilt laid on us by

these poor starving, underprivileged dogs. "Nuff about popcorn.

On to footballs. Found one for 50 cents at an estate sale today. Brought it home to the girls.

What a riot! Peggy Sue rolled on it, bumped it around the yard, and spent an hour trying to

figure out how to pack it around. Finally got it in her mouth, kind of by one end! Cute! So

now the girls have a basketball, football, soccer ball, two softballs; several handballs, several

baseballs, a dozen frisbees, and roughly 50 [no kidding] tennis balls, sports fans! If you find a

football for your dogs, buy it. I guarantee the entertainment value will more than pay the cost

of the ball! 

Peggy Sue [Man, this sucker is fun! It's got pointy ends and it doesn't bounce straight! Wheee!]

Becky [ Yeah, well, it ain't gonna replace tennis balls.] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Sorry, but I can't in good conscience allow our marvelous Golden Breed to be maligned. This

missive is controversial at best, but I must point out that stupidity; and the varying degrees

thereof; are a subjective matter.

Please bear with me and consider some of the following examples of what I consider stupid.

Things your Golden will **never** do, and conversely, some intelligent, exemplary things

Goldens **will** do. For instance your Golden will never:  

Tie you to a stake on a 6-ft. chain and kick you when you complain. Grow tired of you, drive

you to the country and dump you, alone and dejected to suffer a slow heartbroken death. Nor

will a Golden grow tired of you and deposit you lonely and bewildered at the people pound.

Your Golden will not use tobacco products, ruin its health, and litter the sidewalks with its butts.

Your Golden will not become alcoholic or drug dependant and wreck its life and the lives of

those around it. [No matter what some folks say about Bil-Jak!]

Your Golden will never lead you on by saying "I love you" but not mean it.

Your Golden will always respect you in the morning. There will be no "conditions" attached to

your Goldens love. A Goldens love is always unconditional.

Your Golden is unlikely to have a bad day and take it out on you.

Your Golden will not go berserk or become anal if you burn breakfast.

Your Golden will never pen a venomous flame letter on the Golden-L list and send it in the

heat of the moment, only to suffer regret later.

Your Golden will love all people, including children. Children **are** people. Your Golden is

wise and recognizes this. Children just haven't grown into their prejudices yet, as we adults

[???] seem to.

If your Golden suffers the "seven year itch" it's probably just a flea and can be cured with a bath.

If your Golden chooses to chase pussy; it will most likely be the neighbors cat.

Your Golden will not return home at 3:AM in a drunken stupor offering a batch of lame

excuses after chasing the cat.

If your Golden does choose to run off with the neighbor lady, your Golden will only be gone

as long as she has cookies to offer.

Your Golden will never leave you for a younger, richer, or more comely person. Dogs see only

the inner beauty. [And your cookies!]

Your Golden does not care about social status. President or peasant, all the same. As it should be.

Your Golden will not join the religious right and mandate how you should live your life.

Your Golden will not become a bigot.

Your Golden cares not for your sexual preferences, or your choices in literature.

Your Golden will not become involved in banning books it finds offensive from schools and

libraries.

Neither will your Golden become a flaming liberal and spend its welfare checks on 60s records

and books containing LSD induced poetry.

Your Golden will not shave its head and hang around airports passing out inane religious

literature.

Your Golden will never offer "the finger" to other motorists or shout obscenities at stupid

people. No matter how much they deserve it.

Nor will your Golden install huge really annoying speakers in its car and drive the streets late at night rattling plates off your walls.

Your Golden will be as happy riding in an ancient VW van as in a Mercedes. [Irreg. of what

Peggy Sue has said in the past!]

A Golden desires no status symbols, no jewelry, no Rolex. Just your love.

Your Golden will not move to Montana with a diminished IQ and denounce its government,

costing the taxpayers a fortune.

If your Golden "dumps" on you, it's washable and will leave no permanent stains on your soul.

Your Golden will remain steadfast, trusting and loyal to you. Even when you don't deserve it.

Your Golden will suffer the bad times with you, and not walk away leaving you lonely and

despondent. A soft, furry head in your lap can be very comforting at times.

'Nuff said. This has rambled enough. I hope I made my point.

**************Let the flames begin!!!!!!*****************

Becky [You blasted 'em this time, huh dad? But--only stupid people would

think Goldens are stupid. How come they don't pick on cats? Now *cats*

are a prime example of stupid----!]

Peggy Sue [Well, perhaps some of you field dogs aren't as intelligent as we show stock. But stupid? No. Not stupid. Perhaps a bit slow. But hey--about these cats. If they're so dumb, how come you've never caught one???] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

OK all, time to get shed of some of the arguing and serious stuff going on at the moment on

this list! Neither of my dogs are ever very serious about anything. Except food, perhaps. Take

a lesson from the dogs. Anybody else have a dog that follows you when you mow the lawn

and ***deliberately** drops her tennis ball directly in the path of the mower?

Becky has discovered by placing the ball in such a manner, I have to stop and throw the

danged thing. Takes me twice as long to mow the grass as itshould. But it's more fun for both

of us. Who was it that suggested Goldens aren't very smart??? 

Becky [You can call me banal; single minded; even anal--I don't care what names you call---just ****keep on throwin' that tennis ball****! Lyrics by "Poop Doggy-Dog" for those of you not familiar with it!] 

Peggy Sue [Oh, Gawd. Red Dog Rap music. What next???] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

My dogs are soooo smart! Being the perfect Goldens they are, they slept on a solution to all

the furor created by the spelling and "grammer" posts here lately.

As this is an Olympic year, in keeping with International scoring rules Becky & The Pigger

suggest the following.

Two new categories will be introduced to be used by the members of this list to judge the

content and/or grammar of a post.

1. The BANALOMETER. This should be used when judging the contents of a post. We can offer scores from 0-10 with 10 being perfectly banal. The girls had a hard time coming up with an award for this category; but finally suggested a Jack Kevorkkian Certificate delivered in an old VW bus. Other suggestions are welcome.

2. The ANALOMETER. This category is scored using the same number system as above. However, this category should be judged on the degree of parsimonious poppycock, pompousness, sanctimoniousness, over simplicity, arrogance, prejudice, etc. that a post contains. The girls had no trouble offering a suggestion for an award in this category. This award will be known as the **Peggy Sue award**, and one turf-taco awarded for each point scored.

If we go to this system, we save bandwidth. Instead of a lengthy flame, just send a post with:

Banalometer--9.5; Analometer---7.3, etc.

At the end of the year we can have a run off for the B.A. of the year! More Golden-L fun! The

girls pointed out that we should begin this system July 1, as a member of the list has just

scored a perfect 10 in both categories [you know who you are! Congratulations! Your awards

are in the mail!]. I imagine/hope his computer is still smoldering from the flames. BTW; to the

lawyer on the list--I hope I never need your services. But I know where I'm coming if I need a

pointed letter written! :-] 

Becky [I told you there was a way out of this bickering! Goldens hate bickering---!]

Peggy Sue [Ok Becky, but I don't know why you couldn't use something forawards besides my berm burritos. I'm kinda stingy with those----! But, this **is** a good cause!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

U.P.S.---Becky has developed a strange affinity for U.P.S. [or Fed Ex, Airborne Express--

picky she's not]. Her first experience with U.P.S. was rather alarming to me. I was mowing the

lawn [safely, of course] around the back of the house. Becky **always** helps me mow,

keeps my pace down by dropping one of her 3,234 [estimate may be low] damned tennis balls

in front of the mower. All of a sudden--no Becky! I shut down my turbo-charged; stick-

throwing; rock hurling; poop spreading [yeah, kidding here] Snapper and ran to the front yard.

U.P.S. truck at the curb, no driver, no Becky. Uh Oh! Then I heard the giggling, roo-rooing,

etc. She and the driver were on the floor of the truck merrily wrestling around, just having a

great time. So much for the vicious killer dog image.

Unfortunately, she assumes **all** delivery persons, mailmen, garbage collectors, etc. come

to visit her. Caused a bad scene with our #1 mailman. He's nervous about dogs, putting it

mildly-- and I try to keep Becky away from him, even though he doesn't have to get out of the

truck to put the mail in the box. While #1 was on vacation Becky formed a bond with his

replacement. He would coax her over [not difficult!] to the truck, she would stand in the

window to be petted. Yeah, you guessed it. The regular guy came back, she runs over and

pokes her head in the truck and he almost squirts out the other door. Ah, well. I've been yelled

at before. He called me something like "dirty pagalomer wrackafrack". His mouth was moving,

no words coming out. Just foam. Snail mail flame job. He now realizes she is harmless, and all

is well, the mail is getting delivered if Becky is out. She knows to leave him alone. He avoids

eye contact with her.

The post about the dogs throwing their own ball and chasing it reminds me plum season is

near. Our driveway is steep with a plum tree near the top. We came upon Becky dropping

green plums at the top of the driveway in order to chase them as they flew down the hill in an

elliptical orbit! Who said these dogs are dumb? As the plums ripen, she eats them instead of

chasing them. Pits and all. So far everything has come out OK. ;-] ;-] 

Becky [Plum season? The all-purpose fruit! The food with entertainment value! The original fruit with loops!]

Peggy Sue [Too much effort. I'll just lay here on my back in the sun while you act like an idiot. Bring me a ripe plum, would ya mom?] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Thought I'd seen it all. Been with these Golden kids for about 5 years now. Always something

new, eh? Took the girls to Vancouver Lake this morning. Thought a bit of water fun was in

order. Took a tennis racket and a 6-pack of balls. Started slamming balls 100 yds. or so into

the lake, both girls really got into retrieving. After an hour or two of this, and the 3,482 retrieve

[possible exaggeration] both my arm and Peggy Sue began to tire. And Peggy Sue did a

strange thing.

Mind you, if these dogs were people, Peggy Sue would wear white gloves, pink petticoats, and

have high tea every day. Very much the lady. Becky, on the other hand, would wear plaid

shirts; carry her keys clipped on her belt, and challenge men to arm-wrestling contests in beer

joints. Full-throttle dawg, so to speak.

On with the story. Peggy Sue stopped swimming out into the lake after the balls. Instead, she

waited until Becky charged off after one, and lurked in the shallows near me. As Becky

returned the ball, Peggy Sue would crouch down and prepare to **charge**! When Becky

was about 25 feet from shore--**feral dog** became all fangs, RRRRRRrrrrrr--bounce,

bounce--POUNCE!! She would dive on Beckys neck, causing Becky to drop the ball to

defend herself. As soon as Becky dropped the ball--Peggy Sue grabbed it and proudly

returned it to me, spitting it at my feet while Becky frantically spun in circles out in the water

looking for the ball. 

Peggy Sue [Hahahahahah! Prepare to defend yourself, idjut red dawg! DROP that ball, I say----! Here's the ball, dad! Ptui!] 

Becky [Ooof! Ow! That hurts!! What the--hey where's my ball??? Peggy Sue--I'm gonna kick your butt!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

we **all** have in common. How to dispose of our dogs er, waste products. I may have a

unique answer for some of you! If you live in an area with sewers and your home is connected

to same, read on. For the past couple of years we have used a service-station type of waste

can with a tightly sealed lid to gather the burrito piles left in the yard. We then left this at the

curb every two weeks for the garbage collectors. Worked OK except when the weather begins

to get warm--Peeeooooeeyyy! Stinks! Michael would have to carry a handgun to protect

herself from the blowflies when she opened the lid. When we left this abomination at the curb

for the garbage man we feared being awakened at 5:00 AM by his retching. Soooo--I

discovered we have a sewer clean-out behind the house. The previous owner of this home

used it to dump the tanks on his travel trailer. Ah-ha! I took a 2 foot length of PVC pipe

[schedule 40-80, whatever] and using a male adaptor on one end, screwed it into the sewer

clean-out. I bought a 4" cap for the top of the pipe and capped it snugly to avoid odors, but

not too tightly so to allow easy removal to dump the ditch doobies down the pipe. Now, every

time we flush the toilet it removes the dog waste straight into the city sewers. Seems to work

like a charm. And literally **no** odors, flies, etc. Much better! Try it!  

Becky [I like a clean yard!]

Peggy Sue [Not me. No munchies. Humbug.] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Everyone who has posted to the list on this subject has a good point about the car becoming

too warm for the dogs left untended. Our girls are never left in the car on a warm day. But I

really must point out that there are other reasons for not leaving your dogs in an untended

vehicle. For instance, we left the keys in the Hairmobile with Becky & Peggy Sue a while back.

Mistake. Becky saw a cat. She stuffed that VW into gear and brought cat-chasing to a whole

new level. Really hard to explain to the officer. Had to detail how I usually only let her drive

while she's leashed, etc. Poor Peggy Sue along for the ride. Scared stiff. Becky isn't as good a

driver as she is a retriever.  

Becky [Boy howdy! Did ya see the look on that cats face?]

Peggy Sue [Dad won't let me drive because I can't reach the clutch. Wish they would buy something with an automatic.] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Well, if this doesn't take the weekly amazing award. Michael, my wife, has become a midwife

of sorts. Roianne; whom many of you listers know, is about to be the proud auntie of

nine puppies! Chloe, her marvelous bitch, is due anytime now. Roianne has Michael looking

after Chloe during the day while she is working. We consider this an honor! Chloe has a

wonderful disposition and is a joy to be around. All of Roianne's dogs fit that description.

Now, perhaps an informal poll is in order. Roianne has agreed to allow us a male should we

want one. Michael has said that two dogs are enough--and that Becky would never allow

another dog in the house. Does anyone out there really believe that Michael will be able to

resist bringing home another cute, cuddly puppy? I have my opinion, but you will have to wait

to hear it. So, fellow Golden lovers, what do you think? Will it be three dogs at the

Richardsons? Stay tuned--! 

Peggy Sue [Oh boy! Another playmate?]

Becky [Bring another dog in this house and I'll rip his ears off!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Girls

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet