WARNING: The following has nothing to do with hips! Just another cute story. Delete now if

you suffer an aversion to being amused!

The recent thread on vacuum cleaners prompted me to share this with the list. All our dogs

react differently to air moving devices. Becky *loves* vacuums, air compressors, etc. If it

sucks or blows, it's fun! If I fire up my twin air compressors [sometimes we move a lot of air

in this house, how's this for opening the door for you pseudo-comics--] she's right there,

insisting to be blown off at 120 psi. She cranes her neck, postures, makes sure I get her rump

thoroughly. She also likes the big shop-vacuum. This is one of those 7-1/2 HP things that is

guaranteed to suck a bowling ball through a chain link fence. The above items are know as

"Hissing Hose Monsters" in this house. However, the pressure washer, commonly known as

the "Hissing Pi**ing Hose Monster" scares Becky.

Peggy Sue doesn't care for vacuums or air hoses, but thinks the Hissing Pi**ing Hose Monster

is a hoot. Water play at 3000 psi. Needless to say, we don't let her near the darned thing for

fear of grievous injury. She did manage to sneak around the corner while I was cleaning algae

off the patio last summer, though. She completely disappeared in a cloud of green slimy spray.

My wife was not amused. Pigger got a bath and was kept in the house while the pressure

washer was in use. I was told to wipe the smirk off my face.

Earnie doesn't have any love for the big upright Royal vacuum, but isn't really afraid of it. But

get the battery powered hand-vac out of the closet and he's outa the immediate area. Ah, aren't

they great? 

Becky [Air hose alert! Get that itchy spot right behind my tail, dad! Ahhhh right there, that's it--

-]

Peggy Sue [Someday I'm gonna catch that Pi**ing Hose Monster--Wow! Look at the neato stream of water to chase!]

Earnie [You keep that Dust-buster away from me and Hump-D-Bear! ] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

The following may seem amusing, but at times it really isn't. Peggy Sue, now 5 years of age,

has always been a total wuss. A sweetie pie. Cuddly fluff ball. Totally non-aggressive to the

point of being timid. In the last month or so, she has decided to try & kill all the other dogs on

the hiking trails we frequent. So far all confrontations have been on-lead, with no harm done

except to my wifes arm which was stretched a few inches from Piggers lunges. Earnie &

Becky look at her with amazement, as they rarely react at all to other dogs, except a bit of

normal sniffing. Even they appear shocked by her behavior.

What's going on here? Is she going nuts? It's really embarrassing for us to have this 53 lb.

benign looking cutie suddenly turn into something so out of character. It's like a Barby Doll

with fangs. A Chia pet with an attitude. Woody Allen with boxing gloves. Weird. Her attitude

toward people hasn't changed. Still a lover. She has not been attacked by other dogs, we see

no obvious reason for her to want to kick ass & take names. PMS? I doubt it, she's neutered.

Any advice? 

Becky [Hey, I can handle myself. I don't need any blonde floozy protecting me!]

Earnie [I don't understand. I love everybody, that's why they call me the "Happy Humper"!]

Peggy Sue [Let me at'em! I'm gonna KICK SOME BUTT! Grrrrrr!!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Some of you may have been on the list long enough to remember when we had to part with the

beloved "Hairmobile", our 1980 VW Vanagon. Worlds best dog hauler. After it died a slow

death with only 300,000 or so miles on it, we were forced to purchase a [gasp] new van. The

criteria for purchasing the new car was simple. It had to please my wife [her car!] and had to

be a practical dog-hauler. After a few weeks of dealing with car salespeople, we were at the

point of needing blood pressure medication when my wife decided on a new Plymouth

Voyageur. She liked the "Sport" model which came with mag wheels, power everything--and

those dark windows. First, allow me an opinion of putting mag wheels etc. on a van. Sort of

like putting lipstick on a sow. A pig is a pig, a van is a van. I digress. My personal feelings on

dark windows have always been that they usually hide the local drug dealer. Can't see in. If you

look really hard, you might see the flash of gold chains and diamond rings on his person. I

avoid these cars. Never, never, flip them the bird in traffic. You can't tell if they're reloading

their guns behind that glass. But! Voila! There **is** a practical purpose for dark windows, I

discovered accidentally! While washing the car the other day, [not something we do often,

BTW] I looked through the darkened windows at an angle--my God! **What** is on those

windows??? I opened the door and examined the inside of the windows. It looked like all the

slugs and snails in the great NW had partied for the last month inside that van!

From the outside, though, it looked *clean*! After thinking about it for a few moments, I

realized that our new addition, Earnie, had been spending a lot of time in that back seat lately.

Earnie has a nose about the size of the average steer. Up until now, I thought the favorite place

for that humongous honker was in Becky & Peggy Sues crotches. Maybe not. Judging from

the amount of slime on those windows, he may have found another honker heaven. Oh, well,

sometime this spring we'll probably get around to washing the windows. In the meantime, we'll

have to be judicious about who we take to dinner with us, anybody sitting in that back seat

better be dog people---! 

Becky [If his nose is on the window, it isn't in MY CROTCH!!]

Peggy Sue [Sliming the windows must be a guy thing, eh?]

Earnie [I can hardly wait until they wash the windows--this is a form of art!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Ever heard those word before? In this house, they're two of the most dreaded words

imaginable, right up there with "that neighbor lady", "divorce", "fire", "wrecked car",

"bounced check", etc. Yesterday I heard those words. Scenario: Husband arises from bed,

opens bedroom door, staggers bleary-eyed into hallway. Wife, early riser, lurking, yea,

looming, at the end of hallway. Arms crossed. Eyebrows almost touching, *big scowl*. *Not*

smiling. Uh-oh. This doesn't look good. Times like this I'm always glad she never learned to

use my handguns. Not a dog in sight, either. **Very** bad sign. There are *always* three pot-

lickers wagging and thumping walls when I arise. Not this morning. Uh-oh. And then: the

dreaded words---"You'll never guess what <<<YOUR>>> dog did this morning"!! Uh-oh.

"So, tell me honey, sugar, sweetie--what did he do?" Says I. "You know those chairs we just

spent $800.00 to have re-upholstered"? Says wife. "Yeah, the green chairs, the ones that have

been in your family for 100 years, your favorite green chairs, right?" Says I. "Yes, <those>

chairs!! Just **look** at what <<<your>>> dog did to them!!" I stumble into the living room.

I spot the dogs, all peering intermittently around the corner of the dining room door. They are

**not** coming any closer. They have their "oh man are we in trouble now" looks about them.

I look at the chairs. "What's the problem?" I ask. "Look at the legs!!" Shouts wife. "Oh, yeah,

there used to be eight legs on the two chairs, right?" Says I. Uh-oh.

Only seven legs. Better count again, it's early. Nope. Still seven. Hmmmmm. No need for

Dawg Detective here. Obviously the work of The Great White Humper. Earnie the Beaver.

Dang. How to placate this angry wife---? Gotta think fast, too early for this stuff--! I tell her

"no sweat, I can fix it!" Knowing full well I have *no* idea how to do this. But it sounds good.

I **do** have an idea, though. Haven't shared this with my wife, so I'll run it by the list. How

about I cut the other seven legs off so they all match? Sure, the chairs will be only a foot high--

sort of low-rider chairs. Might start a new fashion! Maybe tomorrow when my wife is gone I'll

try that! Think it'll make her happy?? Maybe I better order some flowers, just in case---? 

Becky [I **didn't** do that, I wasn't in the area, I wasn't even home--look at his eyes, dad. He's guilty!]

Peggy Sue [I'm outa here! Ass-kickin' time! I am not a crook!]

Earnie [What a place to live! No humping, no chair chewing, can't get on the furniture, why don't you just send me to military school! Anyway, I like your idea of cutting all those legs off. Then can I chew on 'em?] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Arrgghhh! Earnie has developed an infection in a very private area. We suspect this may be

"related" [pun] to Hump-D-Bear in some way. Our Vet says it's just a simple "Sheath

Infection" easily treated with saline solution and Panalog. Hmmmm. I think I'll take Earnie and

Hump-D-Bear down to the free clinic & get 'em checked anyway. At least, Hump-D-Bear gets

a bath----! Oh, this is just toooooo gross-----! Now I know what you breeders go through--I

can't believe what the treatment for this entails.  

Becky [Serves him right! Keep him away from us girls, OK? Or I'll whip his little Humpty-Butt!]

Peggy Sue [See, at least my bad habits don't cost any money.]

Earnie [Geez, dad, I bet you never thought your fingers would be in **that** place. More Panalog, please, that feels good!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Ever try to sit down & play a movie all the way through without interruptions? Do you have an

8 month old pup? Does it work? Arrggghhh! In our house, this is how it goes: rent movie, take

the Golden kids on the ride to video store. They like this part. Come home, take all the dogs

out to potty. Empty those bladders well! Poop if necessary. OK. Back in the house. Chew

bones all around. Settled in, right? Pop the Laserdisc into the player. Hit play. The disc begins

to wind up. So does Earnie. I swear he uses the whining of the laser player as his cue for

mischief. The rest of the movie goes like this--Earnie finds three tennis balls. Jams them all into

his mouth. Looks like he has a terrible disease, bad case of the mumps. Earnie drops tennis

balls in front of recliner chair. Earnie shoves them under recliner chair. Earnie begins trying to

dig them out. Carpets won't take this kind of abuse. Scotty yells "no digging!" Earnie goes out

to hallway. Finds three more balls. Shoves these under Futon. Tries to dig them out. Pause the

movie here. Wife on hands & knees with yardstick, getting balls out from under the furniture.

Earnie helping, head under the futon, butt in the air. Quite a sight. OK, hit play. Earnie finds all

the balls, repeats the stuffing them under furniture act. Pause the movie. Dig out the balls. After

three or four of these ball-jamming exercises, movie watchers get frustrated. Time to put

peanut butter in the Kong! Earnie carries Kong to kitchen, drops it on the floor and looks up

expectantly. Scotty fills Kong with peanut butter. Back downstairs. Hit the play button. Enjoy

15 minutes of movie except for the loud sucking & slurping noises created by Earnie sucking

peanut butter out of Kong. Earnie finishes peanut butter, stuffs Kong under chair. Starts

digging again. Scotty has about had it by now--yells "OK, knock it off!" Earnie stops digging

& shoving balls under furniture. Now he has to pee. Take dog out. Dog pees. Dog sniffs the

yard interminably. Back in the house. Can't get away with the ball stuffing thing anymore, so

hassles & humps Peggy Sue. Scotty yells "no humping!"Earnie winds down with frustrated

look on face. Replay the above, over & over. The movie was 131 minutes. It takes 4 hours.

Oh, well. Naturally, when the movie ends pup goes to sleep. So do pups owners. 

Earnie [Oh boy, a movie! Stuff fetch dig pee gotta go out, here, hey, hey, gotta go out!]

Becky [I'll just nap behind the chair where the whirling dervish can't get to me.]

Peggy Sue [ I just KNOW he's gonna get bored and try to hump me! I'm gonna give him **such** a bite---!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Gosh, I hate to be a scofflaw here, but the posts about female neutered dogs whose urine

doesn't kill the grass must have been written by the folks who believe in the Easter Bunny, The

Good Fairy, etc. Ha! Unless you run Scotts Lawn Fertilizer through your spayed bitches, you

*will* have a polka-dot lawn! Last time I checked, it's a bad practice to add lawn fertilizer to

your dogs diet, so don't do it. Anyway, what's your objection to yellow spots in the grass?

Breaks up the monotony of all that booorrrinnnggg beautiful green turf. I find the yellow areas

don't grow as fast, and require less mowing, too. If you have enough dogs, all your grass will

die, allowing you to spend the weekend on holiday enjoying yourself instead of doing drudge

work in the yard. Lawnmowers are a major contributor to air pollution, and dog piss isn't. Kill

all your grass and clean up the air! Of course, if you simply cannot deal with the yellow spots,

there *is* a simple solution. Wait until dark and potty your dogs on the neighbors lawn. When

they complain that something is killing their grass, wave your arms, gesticulate wildly, and

mutter about a Government conspiracy. Wear camo clothes and clean your assault rifles in

sight of the neighbors. Yellow grass will become the least of their worries, and you will be left

alone with your pristine lawn. It works for me. 

Becky [Yeah, I leave yellow spots, but so does dad when we all go out for final potty.]

Peggy Sue [I only pee in one corner of the yard, so *all* that grass is dead!]

Earnie [Hey, I pee all over and don't kill the grass! So, to compensate, I eat clumps of it and dig a bit! Gotta keep up with the girls!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Today, it happened. While I was whacking tennis balls into the fields for the dogs to retrieve,

Earnie got the bright idea of challenging Becky, alpha bitch, 60 lbs. of muscle, retriever

extraordinaire, for a ball. Mistake. Off they go, Red Bitch in the lead, seven month old, 70 lb.

Earnie, A.K.A. "Bubba" gaining on her slightly, galloping along at her flank. At top speed, they

both dive for the ball. Picture rolling bodies, fur flying, grass in the air. Up they come. Becky

has the ball, and a smirk [I swear!] on her face. Earnie has a sore leg and the wind knocked out

of him. Scared me at first, he stood there and snapped at his left hind leg like there was a bee

on it. I rushed over and checked him out, no apparent problem with the leg. After a bit of

hobbling around, he proceeded to chase balls again with no sign of discomfort. But, he didn't

challenge the Red Rocket again. Peggy Sue, always the lady, just watched from a distance.

Smart dog, Peggy Sue! 

Becky [I told ya and I told ya--don't mess with me, or I'll kick your pretty-boy butt into the next county! Old age & treachery out do youth & vigor every time!]

Peggy Sue [Egad! I think I'll stay in the other half of the pasture. Toorough for me! Maybe I can find something interesting to roll in!]

Earnie [Whooooffff! Whew! Anybody get the number of that truck? Oooooo that smarts! I'll try again tomorrow---! Maybe tonight I can sneak up & hump her!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

It was a crime of passion. I doubt Earnie meant it, it happened in the heat of the moment.

Perhaps Hump-D-Bear said something that irritated him, like "no"; or " not tonight, I have a

headache". We may never know. We discovered the remains of Hump-D-Bear one morning,

the whole face, eyes, nose & all, gone. Just gone. We have kept the remains, it could be that

the poor bear is not beyond resurrection. Easter is upon us. We are all keeping watch. He/she

may rise again, who knows? Perhaps when we are through babysitting the Grandson for the

next couple of weeks, and Michael has time to do major surgery we may yet save the Bear. We will keep the list posted.

Becky [Fix the bear! Maybe that'll keep the brat from hassling me all the time. My head is a

slobbery mess. Danged drooley Earnster, anyhow!]

Peggy Sue [Will he keep that size ten nose out of my crotch if the bear is repaired?]

Earnie [OOOOOooooo I miss my buddy. Is there a chance the bear will return???] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Last night while walking our dogs on the trail, a large mixed breed dog came bounding over the

hill at us while it's owner screamed "COME!" at it to no avail. It marched right up to my dogs

and sniffed noses. It looked like everything was going to be OK until Peggy Sue said

something. I listened closely to the conversation between the four dogs and I'm sure I

understood most of what was said. Probably my remarkable ability to translate what they were

saying was at least partly due to the fact that I recently read "The Secret Lives Of Dogs" by

Elizabeth Marshall Thomas. Now, I don't claim to be a literary critic, but aside from my

learning dog language from this book, the only other thing I gleaned from it was the

fact that if this woman and her dogs lived next door to me, there would surely be a homicide.

If I let my dogs run the way she does, I would expectAnimal Control on a daily basis.

Anyway, what I think Peggy Sue said was "you're ugly, your mother dresses you funny, and

she sleeps under the porch". The other dog responded with "yeah, and your father is a son-of-

a-bitch!" At this point Becky stepped in and told the strange dog that not only was he ugly, he

smelled bad, and he was dumber than a box of donut holes. Earnie was standing by taking all

this in, when the other dog decided he was going to kick Peggy Sues cute little ass. Peggy Sue

said "just try it! My little brother can whip you good!" At this point the trash talk stopped and

the action began. Michael ran the strange dog off with a tennis racquet, thereby saving the day

and probably Earnies good looks. A pox on all people who allow their untrained dogs to run

off lead. Listen closely next time your dogs get into it -- I bet you, too can understand "The

Secret Language Of Dogs". 

Peggy Sue [I think Earnie coulda took him! ]

Becky [If he couldn't, I KNOW I could!]

Earnie [Damn, I hate big sisters. Their talkin' trash is gonna be the end of me yet!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA