Yesterday it happened! At the ripe olde age of 9 1/2 months, Earnie has become a water dog!

We took Earnie & the girls out in our canoe for a couple of hours. Earnies first canoe trip.

Interesting, to say the least. Becky is an excellent boater, she will stay dead center in the canoe

and not flop around. I can tell her which way to move to trim the boat, and she understands.

Peggy Sue sits in front of Michael in the bow of the canoe, where she can be controlled. She

wants to lean over and snap at the waves--very disconcerting in rough water. Earnie sat in

between my knees in the stern, where I could keep the ornery little sucker from flopping

around like an injured trout. He was having lots of fun, but had no idea he could tip us over.

After an hour of continually sitting him down he settled in. Upon reaching shore I grabbed the

tennis racquet and started hitting balls out into the lake. Earnie dove in after a ball and looked a

bit surprised when his feet left the bottom. He'd never been in swimming before. At first his

butt sank and he floundered around, I wasn't sure I wouldn't have to go in after him--but he

soon paddled with his back feet, and off he went! He retrieved balls with the girls for two

hours and didn't want to get in the truck to go home! Today we took them back to the lake

and hit balls into the water--Earnie is now a faster swimmer than Peggy Sue, and can almost

stay with Becky. Amazing, how quickly they learn. When they're ready to swim, they swim.

We never rushed him, he just decided it looked like fun and in he went. Today there were large

waves breaking on the shore -- he thought those were a hoot--he got knocked own a few

times, but it didn't seem to frighten him. Guess he's ready for summer fun! 

Becky [I can still out swim him--but I can't carry two balls like he does! Ball hog!]

Peggy Sue [Now there are TWO danged idjut dawgs competing with me for those tennis balls! Dang! Good thing dad hits them right to me, or I'd never get one!]

Earnie [Wow! Now I know why that Alpha Red Bitch likes the water so much! Hit the ball! Hit the ball!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Big day today for Becky. After three years of living in this squirrel-infested area--she got one!

Our yard is fenced, so it's generally fairly simple for the squirrels to dart under or over the

chain link. Today, with a little help from Earnie--she managed to corner one. Now, for those of

you who think like my wife; who are horrified at the idea of **Killer** dogs, think about this:

we have three dogs. They average three times a day at least, going out into the yard. So, to

keep this simple, that makes around 3000 trips into the yard in three years. Each time they go

out--there are several sassy, smart alack squirrels who sit in the tree and taunt them. Becky has

probably chased squirrels out of her yard over 1000 times. Been close, got one by the tail

once--but it got away. Put yourself in her place. How frustrating. Sort of like deer hunting for

years with no luck. Like fishing for days without a bite. So today, there was no hesitation, nor

was there anything I could do to stop it. She was all over that little sucker like a cheap suit.

One little killer headshake--dead squirrel. She tossed it in the air and Earnie caught it. Michael

was horrified. We did take the furry critter away from them. I worry more about fleas and

disease than anything else. Becky & Earnie looked very proud of themselves. After all--they

**are** hunting dogs! 

Becky [GOT ONE!!!!! GOT ONE!!!! Hahahahahahahahahah damn I thought I'd never get one man this feels good!]

Peggy Sue [Oh, this is too gross! I just sit and watch them. I cannot believe you two killed that poor little critter!]

Earnie [Too cool, Becky! Now I know what a squirrel tastes like! Mmmmmmgood! Let's go after another one, hey?] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Anybody else have this problem? Earnie, our sweet natured, loveable, slow moving, 10 month

old Golden boy gets totally weird when he has a tennis ball. He changes from lover-boy to the-

-**Tennis Ball Terrorist**! He pushes it under the furniture and tries to dig it out, no matter

how many times you tell him to knock it off. He dips the dang things in the water bowl. He

then pushes the wet, slimy thing into your lap [or any bodies lap that's handy] running snot

trails [pupkus?] up your pants. This is a real wake-up call if you're wearing shorts. If that

doesn't get your attention, he'll slime your bare arms and hands. Once he managed to put one

in my bare armpit. That got my attention. Arrggghhh! Yeah, I know, take the tennis balls away,

right? We have tennis balls in every drawer, on every tabletop, shelf, kitchen counter and

anyplace else we figure he can't reach them. He always manages to find one---I swear they just

appear, perhaps they really are breeding under the bed. In the next couple of days I plan to

check all the tennis balls for gender. The males will go to the lake and be drowned.

Think this'll work? 

Becky [First, he killed all the Woobies. Now there aren't any tennis balls to play with because of him! What's next?]

Peggy Sue [Hey dad, is it too late to take him back to the breeder?]

Earnie [I've got a ball, hey see, I've got a ball! Pay attention now, or I'll snot your arm! Throw the ball, throw the ball!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Sometimes being a male isn't all it's cracked up to be. Consider the following: Yesterday took

the fur kids up the mountain to hunt some 'shrooms. They aren't very good at hunting

'shrooms, but they excel at squirrels, deer, elk, and of course, the ever-popular leavings of the

above creatures. The girls are old hands at this mushroom stuff. Experienced woodsmen, er,

ladies, so to speak. Earnie, on the other hand; at 10 months still has much to learn. Today, he

learned a valuable lesson. The forest is full of pitch right now, and it's normal to clean pitch off

the feet, feathers, etc. of the girls. Butter, real butter, does the trick. Rub it onthe pitch, they

lick it off along with the pitch. Now--- males have a problem that females don't. Certain

portions of the anatomy of males hangs a bit lower than the females. Out here in the great NW

some of the downed trees are fairly large, 4 ft. or so in diameter. Anything under 2 ft. is

considered brush, for you Easterners. So, you have to jump **high** fromtime to time to

clear the logs. Apparently Earnie didn't jump *quite* high enough on an occasion or two. We

noticed a lot of licking going on during the ride home in his er, belly area. Upon closer

examination here at home, we found his testicles to be quite covered with pitch. His licking

only made matters worse. What are we going to do? I asked my ever-so-wise wife. "What do

you mean, "we"?" Was the reply I got. "You got a mouse in your pocket"? She asked. "He's

YOUR dog!" Said she. So----I got out the butter and told Earnie to roll over. Dang, he liked it.

I think the next time the stubborn little sucker won't come in when I call him all I need to do is

yell "Hey Earnie! Want your balls buttered?" I bet he comes a-running--! 

Becky [Why is he smiling like that?]

Peggy Sue [I dunno, but I don't think he's got gas---]

Earnie [Rub it in, rub it in, rub that butter on my skin, oooohhhh yeahhhh! Eat your heart out, Christopher!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Before we made the final decision some 10 months ago to bring Earnie, our Golden boy home,

we thought we had heard *all* the reasons not to have a male dog. "They are oversexed, and

will hump the chairs, the other dogs, the neighbors cat, the neighbor, etc. etc." OK, we can

deal with that. "They tend to be aggressive if not neutered, and will fight other dogs,etc. etc.".

OK, we can deal with that. "They smell like a Musk Ox, and they leave little pecker-tracks

wherever they lay". OK, what are a few pecker-tracks between friends? As far as the odors go,

well, I know people who smell worse than my dogs. At least I can bathe the dogs. Try giving a

foul-smelling friend a bath sometime.

What we were **NOT** told was: they have loose lips. Not the kind that sink ships. The big,

floppy joweled kind that hold a quart of water after the dog takes a drink, and then dribble it

**all** over the floor fifteen feet around the drinking bowl. Earnie leaves enough water on the

kitchen floor that OSHA has declared it an unsafe walking zone. If it were just water, it

probably wouldn't be so slick. But once water has entered his mouth, it becomes---slime.

What dribbles on the floor could be used as a lubricant for auto engines. It's similar to

wallpaper paste. Except stickier. You could use it in place of Scotchguard--nothing sticks to it,

and it sticks to everything. Earnie goes into the next room and you hear this "flapping" sound,

similar to a flock of Geese rising off a pond--he's shaking his head. So what? I'll tell you so

what! When he shakes his head, long slimy strings of lugubrious dog saliva go every direction,

sticking to the ceiling, the walls, the floor, the furniture-- and *you* if you happen to be within

30 feet of him. When it dries, it leaves trails of sparkly stuff like old slug or snail trails. Did you

see "Ghostbusters"? Remember the scene where the ghost "slimed" Bill Murray? That's what

happens when Earnie shakes his floppy jowls! So--if you're in the area and you want to pick

Michael or I out of a crowd--look for the slime trails! That's us! 

Peggy Sue [If you think that's bad--look what he does to the water bowl when he drinks! It looks like somebody poured clear gelatin in it! Yuk!]

Becky [Hey, wrestle with him. My whole body gets slick & slimy! He bites me

on the face and all my fur is matted together. Icky-poo!]

Earnie [Why are you all running away from me? I was just gonna shake my

head a bit!] 

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

On the way home from the Portland area G&H picnic yesterday, Michael spotted a yard sale.

Being addicted to yard sales, she begged me to stop. We were looking for toys & books for

our grandson, when Michael spotted a plastic ball, about 4" in diameter, with an electrical

switch on it. "What does this ball do"? Michael asked the lady in charge. "It plays music if you

put a new battery in it", she replied. The price was 10 cents. Such a deal. We brought it home,

took it apart, and put a new battery in it, to discover it didn't play music. It's one of those balls

that rolls all over when you turn it on, and reverses direction if it hits something. Acts like it's

alive. Hmmmm. Possibilities here! After dinner we took all three dogsdown into the family

room and turned on the ball. I haven't laughed so hardsince the pigs ate my brothers! Earnie

couldn't figure the thing out, he swatted at it and pounced like a cat---it rolled down the

hallway, Earnie in pursuit. It hit the wall. It turned around--and charged him! Earnie did a quick

U-turn and retreated down the hallway! Halfway down the hall, his courage returned and he

turned on the ball, which was still chasing him, and proceeded to try and bark it to death!

Becky and Peggy Sue were tiredfrom a full day at the G&H picnic, having chased many a

tennis ball. They were trying to sleep. All the ruckus coming from Earnie made that impossible.

Finally, Becky got up, strolled up to the meandering ball, picked it up and took it over and lay

down on it. The look of disdain shegave Earnie said it all. Poor Earnie still steers clear of the

killer ball---! 

Becky [Earnie, you dummy! It's just a mechanical ball, you doobus! You nutless, er, gutless wonder!]

Peggy Sue [What are you worried about Earn? It's not like it's gonna bite your jewels off anymore--heeheeheehehhee!]

Earnie [Look at it's face! It's gonna get me, I tell you! This just isn't my weekend. First I become a eunuch, and now that things trying to get me! Daaaaad!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Former Great White Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Thursday is the Earnsters first birthday! I'd like to say it seems likeonly yesterday he was just a

little nipper---but that might stretch the truth a bit. If you read my posts, you **know** I

would never do that. Gee it's great to sit and reminisce, savoring his Golden moments of

puppy hood! I'll never forget the first few weeks, trying to keep Becky from killing him. The

pensive "take him back" looks from Peggy Sue--and from my ever-patient wife, from time to

time. The yellow puddles on the white kitchen floor--ah, yes, I remember it well. Of course,

after he got a little older and was allowed out of the kitchen, there were the spots on the carpet.

If you looked at the carpet in just the right light, you could pick out designs. Like Rorschach

tests. Right from the start, Earnie was a creative pup. As he grew, so did his creativity! Who

could forget that morning I awakened and walked down the hallway listening to my wife

yelling: "you'll **never** guess what YOUR dog did this morning"! Hey, so he ate the leg off

her antique chair, nobodies perfect, right? It was obvious from the start Earnie had certain

tastes. Drapes, bedspread fringes, throw rugs, and of course, hardwood furniture were all to

hisliking! A true connoisseur! I remember his first few outing to the forests, too! He was

attempting to eat every rock, dirt clod, fir cone, or anything else we were too slow to pry out

of his jaws. Too cute! How about my lawn?I can hardly believe the divots he's eaten out of it.

Some of them have yet to grow back, poignant reminders of his youth and Earnthusiasm! To

this day he never ceases to amaze us! I'm certain he holds all records for Woobicide, he never

met a stuffed toy he couldn't destroy in under a minute! I will admit that Hump-D-Bear was an

exception, perhaps because Hump-D-Bear was the only stuffed toy he ever met who didn't say

"no!" to his, er, sexual advances! Alas, Hump-D-Bear eventually died too, perhaps as a result

of too passionate love making. We'll never be sure, we just found poor Hump-D one morning,

no eyes, no ears, no nose, no stuffing. Dead. Gone to the Happy Humping Ground. Probably

the direct result of a headache. Just when you think Earnie's all grown up, he does something

to remind you he's a pup yet. Like getting the F.R.A.P.s nightly. Wild forays about the house

or yard! Flip turns off the Futon! Ricocheting off the walls! Hey, you always know when he's

around! To celebrate his own birthday, last night he really outdid himself! Just as we were

falling asleep, all 3 dogs in the bedroom we heard the dreaded "up-chuck-upchuck-upchuck

sound. Out of bed I flew, hoping to at least get a towel under Earnie, who was attempting a

world-record target vomiting episode in the center of the wall-to-wall carpet. Didn't make it. As

I stood there, 2 1/2 cups of slightly digested, warm dog food rolling across my toes, I knew

we wouldn't have missed having this first year with him for anything. Christopher, if you're

reading this, look at all you have to look forward to! 

Becky [If Ida killed him the first week you wouldn't be standing in a puddle of puke right now---]

Peggy Sue [Hey, is that stuff still good to eat?]

Earnie [Well, there went dinner. What's for breakfast? Do I get Birthday cake?]]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Great White Humper, AKA Happy Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

The other night after bringing Earnie home from the vets office minus his gonads, I got into an

interesting discussion with my wife. Poor little Earnie was sitting funny,[wouldn't you?] still

somewhat affected by the recent anesthesia, eyes like pee-holes in a snowbank. My wife

looked at me and said "you look depressed". "I am" I replied. "Why"? She asked. "Because I

hated doing that to Earnie", I said. "Hmmmph"! Said she. "It didn't bother you when we

neutered the girls"! "That's different", I said. "Why is it different"? She replied. "Because it

just is, I don't expect you to understand, being female and all" says I. At this point she glared

at me and started making little piggy noises, her ever-so-subtle means of telling me I'm being a

male chauvinist hawg again. This, of course, furthered my depression. I'm sure the men on this

list know what I mean--the sucking sensation in the pit of our tummies when we think about

being "tutored". Earnie; during this discussion, was sitting at my feet, alternately puking from

the anesthesia and trying to lick what was missing. I think he heard the whole discussion,

though. The next morning he refused to leave the bedroom until I did. He would not eat food

offered by my wife, I had to feed him. [Yes, this is true!!] He blames her! I sure hope he never

finds out I tried negotiating with the vet for a transplant. I figured I could have lots of fun with

a fresh new set. The vet, ever a practical man, warned me against this transplant claiming I

would spend a lot of time chasing cars and urinating on tires. I'm not sure how he knows this,

but I plan to keep a closer eye on him when I have Becky or Peggy Sue in his office.

Becky [I always thought there was a funny glint in that vets eye--!]

Peggy Sue [Typical redhead. You think everybody is attracted to you! Blondes are beautiful--watch me strut!]

Earnie [Hey, what's the deal? Somethings missing here----! Dad! What did mom do to me!!!!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Former Great White Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

My precious Golden boy is home from the Drs. office--all properly "tutored"! He's pretty sore

and somewhat wobbly from the anesthesia. By tomorrow he'll be feeling a lot better. His gait is

noticeably affected--no more of the big side-to-side sway. He probably is about, oh, 8 or 10

lbs. lighter. Christopher would be proud! 

Peggy Sue [Oh, thank God! I bet my back will get better now!]

Becky [Hey, Earnie, look at the bright side. You won't have clearance problems when you jump over logs anymore!]

Earnie [Geez, I feel a lot lighter in the hind quarters--? Does this mean I won't be missing Hump-D-Bear anymore?]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Former Great White Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Woke up in a good mood today [for a change], decided to celebrate something. Back in my

drinking days, I always found some reason to celebrate. More difficult finding stuff when

you're sober. What to celebrate came to me when I was swatting tennis balls in the meadow

for our three Golden "kids" today! I figure we have been in this home for over three years. We

average 5 days a week on our 4 mile walks. Of course that always includes off-lead time in the

fields to hit *many* balls for the furbabies! On an average day, 7-yrs. **young** Becky [AKA

Air Dog] will do 25 fetches before she's ready to vomit. Peggy Sue, ever the demure lady, will

fetch two or three balls, and then roll on one for a while. Much less energy expended. Not in

the "fetch 'till you barf" league. Earnie, being young and full of energy, usually runs between

Becky & The Pigger trying to swipe a ball or two, with limited success. Sometimes stealing

balls from the Wily Red Bitch can be dangerous, as he has learned. However, Earnie gets more

daily mileage than either of the girls. Typical guy--lots of chasing, not much catching. Anyway-

--I figured Becky does an average of 25 long fetches a day [as far as I can hit a tennis ball with

a racquet] or 125 fetches a week, so that means that in a bit over three years the fetchometer

has rolled over the 20,000 mark! Extemporaneous water fetching, sticks tossed down canyons

during mushroom hunts, etc. are not included in the numbers, so 20,000 is probably on the

low side. Yes! A celebration! Cake! Ice cream! Dog cookies! Junk food! Hmmmm. Becky is

napping through the celebration, though, as are Pigger & the Earnster. Party poopers! Well,

perhaps tomorrow we'll celebrate by fetching a few balls. Guess I'll go read my book.

Becky [Hitthe ballhitthe ball! ARFARFARF! Gotta fetch the ball---!]

Peggy Sue [Hey, why so anal over a few tennis balls? Try rolling on one. It

feels good, and it makes dad nuts when you won't bring it back!]

Earnie [Puffpuffpuffpuffpantchase! Will somebody put a drag chute on that

gnarly Red Bitch? Dad! She threatened me! I want a balllllllllllll-----!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Former Great White Humper

Living in SW Washington State; USA