Nelia writing of her dumb magic tricks for her dog Charlie made me think of the

game Earnie & I play nearly nightly. Earnie, being a normal Golden-- early on

figured out that if the TV is on, he's not getting my *undivided attention*. This,

of course, is not permissible. So--he goes into his pestering act. He used to grab

the nearest tennis ball and thoroughly slime it, then push it into my crotch,

armpit, face, whatever until I gave up and threw it down the hallway. This tennis

ball game came to an abrupt halt when my bride discovered that every place a

saliva-soaked tennis ball hit the carpet or wall--a spot appeared. On the carpet,

even shampooing doesn't get rid of these spots. I didn't see a problem. Justdog

snot. No big deal. I told her if we threw the ball enough times, all thespots

would blend together. No problem, right? Sort of a giant connect-the-dots puzzle.

Wrong. She didn't see things my way. So--we replaced the tennis balls with three

medium sized Kongs. Throwing the Kongs proved less than successful, as they bounce

funny and always [Murphy's Law] end up under the Futon; where the Blonde Destroyer

attempts to dig them out. If his digging isn't productive, he then attempts to

*bark* them out from under the Futon. This can be rather annoying, particularly if

you're watching a movie with one of those hard to understand British soundtracks.

So--I started hiding the Kongs in my chair or on my person. Hide & Seek, doggie

style! Now, learn from an expert before you try this at home. *DO NOT* hidethe

Kong in any place *inside* your clothing. This could cause personal injury.

*NEVER* hide the Kong in the waist band of your sweat pants. Don't ask me how I

learned this. Suffice it to say that once the Kong's location is discovered, your

dog *will* vigorously attempt to dig it out. This digging may come at the end of a

rather giant leap over the arm of your chair onto sensitive portions of your

anatomy. This can be painful. If your dog has a nose similar to Earnies, he *will*

find the Kong wherever you hide it. If you tire of the game, there is a way out.

Hide the Kong under the Alpha Bitch. No, no, the 4-legged one! I knew someone

would misinterpret that. If your dog is like the Earnster, he will circle and

whine for at least a solid half hour while Becky shows him her pretty teeth! I

will admit there are few hiding locations in the basement that Earnie doesn't know

of---they learn all your best hiding places pretty quickly. I did fool him for an

hour one night by hiding it in my armpit. Maybe I should shower more often.

Becky [I wish Earnie would learn the fine art of napping in the evenings.]

Peggy Sue [Yeah, he's pretty annoying, jumping all over the place looking for that

stoopid Kong.]

Earnie [Gotta find the Kong--where is it? Where did that sneaky devil hide it

now--nope, not in his pants--!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Anyone else have dogs like ours? The scenario--wife gets up early, feeds dogs who

also get up early. I sleep later. I'm a retired Electrician. You're all familiar

with retired Electricians. If you don't think so, check the dump boxes behind your

local Supermarket. Those guys combing the dumpsters? That's us! Another good spot

to see retired Electricians is the Drunk Tank at your local Jail. Anyhow, I

digress. During the time frame between Michael feeding the dogs; perhaps 6:30 AM

and 9:00 AM when I arise, the dogs nap. No activity. Same during my breakfast.

Sleeping dogs, all three. Peggy Sue sleeps in the hallway. The other two, Becky &

Earnie, sleep in the kitchen under the breakfast bar--right at my feet. Everything

is quiet until I get up to take my dishes to the sink. That's the signal. That's

when it begins. Earnie jumps up and starts the morning wrestling match. Usually

shoves a woobie; or the remains of one-- in Becky's face. It's war. Best twoout

of three, NCAA rules. These wrestling matches are complete with woobie tugs

[resulting in shredded woobies]; and much rough and tumble stuff. The tumbling is

accompanied by growling, barking, and snorting. Six months ago when this started,

I was afraid Earnie was making his move to be Alpha dog. He's 20 lbs.. heavier

than Becky and all muscle. But, as the saying goes, "Old age and treachery will

outdo youth and vigor every time!" I broke up a few "fun" matches that got a bit

too serious. That was before I decided to let it go one day under *close*

supervision. See where it led. As soon as it became obvious that Earnie was

getting a bit too aggressive; Becky; Alpha Bitch of the Universe---really let the

little monster have it. It was quick. Earnie was on his feet ragging on her one

second--the next he was on his back, Becky sitting astride him like a saddle on a

sow--with her teeth on his throat. If he even twitched she bit down. Eventually,

he gave up--and she let him go. He went after her again. Big mistake. She was

ready this time. She put him down again. Hard. Since that day these matches go on

daily, but Earnie obviously learned a great deal of respect for the gnarly old

Alpha Bitch. If Becky tires of wrestling--she grabs Earnie's ear until he yips. No

marks, no red spots--just squeezes. As in--*enough*, dude. They seem to have

"rules"--sort of a gentleman's [and ladies] agreement as to which portions of the

anatomy are fair to chew on. Legs, throats, tails, even muzzles are OK. Ears are

not. The "Ear Munch" signals the end of the match. So far, Earnie hasn't dared

administer the "Ear Munch" to the Queen Bitch. These matches continue for an hour

or so, or until I either take the dogs for our daily 5 mile walk or work on the

Agility hurdles in the yard with Becky & Earnie. Oh yeah--where is Peggy Sue

during all this? As far away as she can get! Peggy Sue will **only** get into a

match with Earnie [NEVER Becky] if she *knows* I'm close enough to end it if he

gets too rough--which he always does! Smart Pigger!

Peggy Sue [I weigh 53 lbs.. and I'm a *lady*! I'm not lowering myself to wrestle

with that 80 lb.. knothead! He's too rough! Protect me dad!!]

Earnie [Someday, I'm gonna whup that old Red Bitch. But damn--she's fast--and I

**hate** it when she bites my ear!]

Becky [Just try it Bubba. They'll find parts of you in three states. Red Bitches

Rule!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

While it's a well known fact that grass eating leads to the dreaded "stringers"

mentioned by Suzanne; there's another problem caused by over-grazing. The barf

factor. Dogs barf on a schedule. It's true. I know. 5:30 AM. Always within 10

minutes, one way or the other. Perhaps they think this is a considerate time

frame. Most people were about to get up anyway. Barfing in the bedroom wakes you

far more abruptly than any alarm. Becky even barfs in the same spot. Goes to the

corner of the bedroom, right behind the door--UUUrrppp; hu-UUrrrppp. Earnie & the

Pigger are random barfers. They wander and barf, covering much more area on the

beige carpet. Earnie holds the record with 6 individual puddles of puke. Of

course, if they don't target vomit in the wee hours of the morning, then the next

day you'll be chasing your dog around the yard with a roll of paper towels while

the dog looks over it's shoulder and does the combat crawl. This amuses the

neighbors, BTW. Particularly if they aren't dog people. Cheap entertainment.

Either way, perhaps we would all be better off to just give the dogs a head of

lettuce now and then.

Peggy Sue [I hate it when you chase me around the yard with a wad of TP! So

unsophisticated!]

Becky [Beats barfing at 5:30 AM.]

Earnie [I'm still chasing the world record for most puke puddles. ]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

It's the middle of summer. Usually not the high season for mushrooms! However, in

the last 24 hrs. we have had three calls involving mushrooms. One of these calls

is a case of two dogs becoming ill after "grazing" on some lawn mushrooms. The

dogs owner is shipping us some of these mushrooms in hopes we can I.D. them. With

luck they'll be recognizable when they reach us. It's hot and mushrooms deteriorate rapidly.

Every year we seem to go through this. Please *DO NOT* allow your dog to eat

mushrooms! No dog knows the difference between edible and toxic mushrooms. If such

a dog existed, we would be begging to sign this dog up for Poison Control. Puppies

in particular, like small children, tend to be oral. Everything goes into their

mouths. Most of the trips we've made to Emergency Wards over the years toI.D.

mushrooms have been cases of toddlers popping 'shrooms in their mouths.

Fortunately, most mushrooms are not deadly. Perhaps less than 1% are *deadly*.

But--quite a few of the mushrooms found in the typical lawn can be *toxic*. In

some cases, they may cause accumulative liver and kidney damage. As I pointed out

earlier, there may be Vets capable of diagnosing liver damage caused by mushrooms.

But first, the vet would have to know what the mushrooms are, what chemicals they

contain, and what amount the dog ate. More than likely, this information would

come too late, as by the time symptoms appear, the damage is done.

The next question is usually: "how do we get these mushrooms out of our lawns?"

Short answer--you probably don't unless you physically remove them. You can change

the PH or chemical composition of your soil which may eliminate a particular

species. But you certainly won't get them all. There are many thousands of species

of mushrooms in N. America. One thing we suggest to people is to find a local

Mycological Society. Generally they will have or know of a knowledgeable person to

come to your home and I.D. what's in your yard at a given time. That way you can

have some idea as to whether or not the 'shrooms are toxic. We've done this in the

past in our area. No charge--everything we do is strictly volunteer. Mushrooms

have been a fascinating hobby for us over the last 23 years. Thanks for listening!

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Awright, enough already. Earnie & my girls spotted the post about the allegedly

"dangerous" tennis balls. The girls were a bit upset, as tennis balls are a part

of their lives. However; Earnie, my two-year old male has gone into the basement

and refuses to speak to me or anyone else on this list until I tell him I'm *not*

taking away his tennis balls. He has a point. He says it was bad when we took away

the rawhide, because it might cause him harm. Then the cow hooves, the cotton

ropes, the plastic pop bottles and nyla-bones all went away. No more sterilized

beef bones, because they might break a tooth. Woobies are history because they

don't digest well; once properly slaughtered. Then, we neutered him. He didn't

even get Neuticles. He points out that neutering isn't as big deal for the girls,

because it doesn't show. On a guy, hey, it even changes the way you walk. No more

swagger, just mince along like Boy George. Bummer. So now, somebody wants to take

away his beloved tennis balls. Enough, already!!!!! Goldens of the world, unite!!

Earnie suggests the tennis ball worry-warts focus on something like getting rid of

cats; creating world peace, eliminating the drug problem; buying Bill Clinton

suspenders--- or something worthwhile. He says he bets these same worry-warts who

would take away his "dangerous" tennis balls probably smoke cigarettes and drink

beer. Probably not neutered, and he bets they even fool around a bit. Does this

bother them; he asks? Stuff like this **will** kill them; he points out. So why do

they worry about death by tennis balls? Good grief!! Given the choice between a

long, boring safe life without tennis balls, or the possibility of early

expiration due to accidental ingestion of a tennis ball--Earnie chooses to live

dangerously! My kinda guy! Hey, even Becky & Peggy Sue agree with him on this one!

So, all of you who are throwing out those tennis balls, please mail them to

Earnie--the tennis ball king, and proud of it! A four-ball mouth! Sometimes ya

just gotta take a chance! Yee-haw!!

Becky [Well; now, that's the *most* ridiculous thing I've ever heard!]

Peggy Sue [How the hell do you do a proper "Roo-Roo!" without a tennis ball in

your mouth? It's all about tone, here!]

Earnie [I practiced, and I practiced. I can pack four, count 'em; four tennis

balls in my mouth. Now you wanna do away with 'em? I'll give up my tennis balls

when you pry them from my cold, dead mouth! Didn't the NRA say something like

that? Sounds pretty awesome; hey dad?]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Earnie is happy today, since we made the decision to allow him his tennis balls.

We notice there is still a bit of discussion going on about the danger of "Death

by Tennis Ball". We discussed this, Earnie and I and the girls. About the risk

factor. We figure there are over 2000 people on this list. Most have multiple

dogs, right? So, for the hey of it--maybe 6000 Goldens on the list, give or take a

few? We have been on this list for three years or so. In that time we do not

remember *one* death by tennis ball. Now, we didn't even count the Goldens *not*

on this list. If a Golden died from choking on a tennis ball somewhere in the

remote Tasmanian Jungles, I'm sure we'd hear about it. Somebody would find out. A

bottle would drop from the sky, with a note in it; maybe--? GOD SPEAKING--A GOLDEN

JUST CHOKED ON A TENNIS BALL!!! Spalding stock would plummet. Statistically--the

odds of a Golden surviving a tennis ball seem pretty good. Particularly given that

most Goldens have multiple tennis balls. Agreed, we all eventually die of

something. As one of Earnies supporters on this issue put it, you could let your

dog out to pee and a tree could fall on him. I probably shouldn't mention this-- I

can hear the chainsaws already. You safety nuts are out there cutting down

anything taller than you are, right? Of course, cutting down the trees in your

yard can put *you* at personal risk, too. A member of the Sierra Club may take

offense and shoot you. Earnie also points out that most of his messing around was

done with inanimate objects--throw rugs, pillows--none of this stuff is married

and therefore has no irate wife/husband to do him in. He does not smoke, or drink

alcohol. He does not do drugs. His diet is carefully regulated. No feasting on

pork rinds and Haagen-Daaz ice cream. He goes to his Dr. for check-ups. Gets

regular strenuous exercise--usually chasing tennis balls. He says it's far more

likely the Alpha Bitch will do him in. Maybe we should make a rule against all

alpha bitches?

Becky [Maybe I can off him and make it look like an accident! I'll poke a tennis

ball down his throat!]

Peggy Sue [Uhhhhh Becky? That's the wrong end---the *throat*, Becky--]

Earnie [ Life is good if you got the balls!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Because of the turmoil surrounding tennis balls at the moment I decided to try

Suzanne Bria's Socky-Ball idea. Sort of a safe-sox game, right? I have a lot of

respect for Suzanne. If she says it's good, well, it's good. So, I place a couple

of tennis balls in a long sock. Tie off the ends. Stuff the thing in my back-pack.

Grab my tennis racquet. C'mon, dawgs! Play time! Off to the fields we hike. Once

down the trail and into the fields, off come the leashes! Time to Rock &Roll! I

take off the backpack, all three dogs bouncing around me and barking loudly! Hurry

dad! Hit the ball! So, I takes this "Socky-Thing"; toss it in the air, and with my

best tennis serve stroke, I give this sucker an overhand smash. Thanks a*lot*,

Suzanne. Not only can you not get any distance with this thing, but one end of it

came around and smacked me upside the head. I tried it several times. Must be some

technique I'm not mastering. After several tries I'm all bruised up and the dogs

are frustrated. Heck with it. I went back to smackin' them nasty ol' balls out

there about 100 yards or so. Guess I'm not coordinated enough for the Socky-Ball

thing. Oh well. Had the same trouble with the Levi-Leg toy. Somebody on the list

told us that allowing the dogs to play with a Levi-Leg was a great thing. No way.

It's painful. Maybe next time I'll take the pants off first. Maybe I got incomplete instructions.

Becky [I like **distance**! Hit that tennis ball **way** out there! Yeah! Yee-Haw!

Sometimes I catch one wayyyyyyy out there! Smack! Sounds like a baseball hitting

the catcher's mitt!]

Peggy Sue [I like to retrieve one ball--then carry it into the shade and roll on

it. Is rolling on a tennis ball dangerous, too?]

Earnie [I tried catching those long balls like Becky does. That smarts when they

bounce off your hard head! But the other day, I finally snagged one! Takes

practice, practice! Becky is awesome!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

If I *ever* decide to do agility again it's gonna be with a *much* slower breed.

Maybe Bloodhounds, or Basset Hounds? Maybe I could tie my Goldens legs together?

Is hobbling legal? I made the near fatal error of scheduling Earnies beginning

class at 6 PM. Becky's advanced class is at 7 PM. No, I *do not* get a break.

There are three dogs in each class. Those of you doing agility know it requires a

certain amount of physical effort on the part of the trainer. That's me, BTW. I am

expected to run these obstacle courses with my dogs. At first, the dogs had no

idea what was expected of them. Things went rather slowly. I could keep up.

Mostly. Tonight, it was cooler, and all that training we're doing here at home is

obviously working. Earnie is ***fast*** on the course. He is the only beginning

dog able to string several jumps; some at 24"--**blast** through the tunnel; 180

turn, back through the tunnel a'smokin', over the jumps--and then get a hilarious

case of the FRAPS on top of that! I am discovering that a 56 year old man,even in

reasonable condition is **no match** for an over-enthusiastic 2 yr.. old Golden on

an obstacle course. Finally, the hour is over. But wait! It gets better! Then out

of the car comes Becky, the 8 year old wonder dog! After waiting and watching the

other dogs perform for an hour--is she ever psyched! Ye Gods! Through the weave

poles, over the jumps, over the dog walk; through the tunnel, back over the jumps;

back over the dog walk; through the weave poles, and then the victory dance!

Ya-HOO! She's shaking, she's so excited. Her pupils are dilated! Looks like she's

stoned, she's so psyched! We continue at this frenetic pace for another hour. My

arse is dragging. I'll sleep well tonight. What really hurts, is the dogs still

want to play! Yes, earlier in the day they got a 5 mile walk, chased tennis balls

in the field--and still had enough energy to have a blast at the agility course!

Oh, well.

Becky [ The most fun tonight was when that Lab chased me through the tunnel! Did

you see the way I did the 180 over the jump and showed him all my teeth when I

landed? Now *that's* agility!]

Earnie [This is the most fun you can have after you've been neutered!

Yee-HAWWWWWWW!]

Peggy Sue [I stayed home and slept. Yawn.]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Humping in a male puppy is built in. It's sort of like buying a Microsoft product.

It'll do most of what you want it to, but it screws up from time to time; and it

always messes up when you're trying to show it off. You learn to live with it. If

it bothers you that your 10 lb. bundle of joy makes whoopee under the dinner table

with your guests new suede shoes--maybe you should have gotten a girl. Humping is

not something you easily train out of a male dog. I still remember removing Earnie

from Peggy Sue by shoving him off with my knee. He would fall sideways on the

floor, still air-humping wildly, slowly running down like an old set of those

wind-up chattering teeth. Eyes glazed, pupils dilated--in his own little fantasy

world! In a way, you have to admire that! Hey, remember those magazines you kept

under the bed when you were a kid? Sure, you remember! Dogs don't need magazines

to jump start their fantasies! They're built in! Lucky Fido, eh? If you remove

your puppies current favorite sex-partner, be it the throw rug, couch pillow,

stuffed teddy bear--whatever--no problem, he'll find *something* to love. Earnie

would have humped the woodpile if he thought there was a snake in it. Better throw

rugs than the grandkids. Actually, the day we made the decision to make Earnie an

*IT* was the day he threw that big paw of his over the grandsons shoulder---big

mistake! FWIW he's a better dog to live with now. So--don't despair! There is

light at the end of the tunnel! In that light there's a scalpel--!

Becky [I for one, do *not* miss his advances---!]

Peggy Sue [Yeah, thanks dad. He was getting heavy there at the end. My back is

better now, too!]

Earnie [Funny. I just don't get the urge the way I used to. Maybe I'm getting old.

But, ah, the memories--I *do* miss Hump-D-Bear. Sorry I slaughtered it.]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Jeanie's concern over being kicked out of the Rescue Parade because Toby

isn't **perfect** conformation material makes me laugh! Hey, Becky & The Pigger

aren't exactly prime examples of the breed, either! At least in Jeanie's

case--she's an attractive young lady. People will be staring at Jeanie as well as

Toby. In my case--I could lead a gremlin into the ring--compared to me--it'd be

good looking! Becky has it made! <VBG> Besides as far as I'm concerned there are

**no** ugly Goldens! They're all beautiful!

Lookalikes--a couple of years back we're hiking a trail near Portland; Oregon. Had

Becky & Peggy Sue at the time. Remote area, dogs off lead. Becky runs around the

next corner; ahead of us. All of a sudden, I'm seeing double. Weird. I quit

drinking years ago. Back around the corner comes not one--but *two* Beckys! I mean

we are talking **clones** here! The next moment a fellow comes around the corner

after the two dogs shouting "grab your dog!" So; I grab what I thought was Becky.

He grabbed what he thought was his dog. We were both wrong! Upon closer

examination, the dog I grabbed was male. Yeah, I peeked, and yeah, I know the

difference! Becky is a girl. I can tell the difference there, too! The guy looks

at Becky and realizes that's not his dog, either. Turned out they were

littermates. Becky came from a litter of 13 pups! The only difference aside from

sex; which admittedly is a pretty big difference--was the males head was slightly

wider. They're the same weight, color, temperament--amazing!

Becky [I didn't even know I had a brother! Good looking dude, ain't he?]

Peggy Sue [Yeah, well, he didn't try to hump you. He was really after me!]

Earnie [If I'd been there; well; uh; I guess we would have compared humping

stories--!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA