Once again a "notorious" individual on this G&H list is expressing her denial over the

obvious fact that her dog is, indeed, equipped with a functional set of anal glands.

Now, far be it from me to cast aspersions upon the knowledge or character of an

otherwise fine member of our Great American Society--but, this denial is serious and

must be treated soon, before it turns to delusions of grandeur or something more

serious. Next thing you know, the denial gets worse, she begins claiming the dog has no

anus. Dangerous, indeed. No anus leads to terminal constipation. In this persons

defense, we must realize we're dealing with an Educator here. I believe, a Professor, no

less. Hmmm. We have two of those in my family. One teaches English, the other is a Math

Geek. Wonderful people indeed! Love them dearly! Experts in their fields? Oh, my yes!

However--the capability of being able to spout full chapters of Homers Odyssey or

quoting Milton at length, or proving the Pythagorean Theory does not mean that qualifies

you as an expert in the prestigious field of Anal Gland Expression. While I'm certain

that the person in question has spent many years teaching the finer points of our

language to ambulatory assh***s--these particular assh***s probably do not have anal

sacs, and even if they did would be unable to properly express themselves when

necessary.

Therefore, I am going to something I rarely do, and share the finer points of Anal Gland

Location with those interested.

First, you need to find a friendly Duck. Mallards are good, but Big White Domestic Ducks

make for the best practice. Unless you are on particularly familiar terms with

aforementioned Duck, you may need a roll of Duck Tape [pun intended] or a rubber band.

Remember, we must not injure this Duck! ASPCA rules! This is only a *practice* Duck! It

can be re-used as necessary. OK. Use the Tape or the rubber band to assure you won't be

injured if the Duck is unhappy with the proceedings. Some Ducks have been known to Quack

up. Tape the bill shut, carefully. Ducks bite when provoked. Don't ask how I know. Now,

listen closely. Part of the problem our G&H lister in denial is having is--location!

Just like in Real Estate--location, location, location! She probably doesn't know

*where* to check for the Anal Glands. Teaches Languages--not Anatomy, right? Sort of

like not knowing your a** from a hole in the ground. Sort of. Got that bill safed off?

Good! Pick up the Duck, face the head away from you. You should now be facing the rear

of the Duck. Move the Duck close to your face. See anything looking like a pink eye-ball

winking at you? No? Too many feathers? OK--take a deep breath! [DO NOT inhale too

closely to the Duck!] BLOW!! Did the feathers part? Yes? See that round orifice? Good!

Lesson #1 is now concluded! You have located the vent, anus, pig-eye, bum, whatever you

call it. Once the Duck settles down, return it for future reference. If the Duck follows

you around, that's bad. The Duck is in love. It happens. Watch your back.

Now, for lesson #2. You're going to apply this new knowledge to your Golden Retriever!

Once again, a *very* good relationship with your dog really helps. Find someone

you **really don't like**--MIL, SIL, SO, DH, ex-wife, etc. Have this person hold the dogs

head while you sneak around to the rear. Stealth is important. Now, on your hands and

knees--! Deep breath---BLOW! Ah, yes, if you're successful, those luxurious "feathers"

will part and you should see the "pigeye" within which the anal glands are located! You're

half-way home! If you're lucky, and your dog is normal, your dog bolted during the

feather-parting process and flattened the designated head-holder. So, you should feel

doubly satisfied! OK, that's it for today! Lesson #1 & 2 are complete. Go do your

homework. Lesson #3 is coming up! For Lesson #3 you'll need eye protection, rubber

gloves, a football helmet, and a padded Kevlar shirt is good, too. Bring these to class

with you. Oh, yeah, maybe a case of Baby Diaper Wipes, and a few rolls of paper towels,

too. Be sure to wear clothes you can burn in the event of an accident. Don't eat

anything for 24 hours prior to class, please.

Becky [Blow on my butt and I'll follow you anywhere, big boy--!]

Peggy Sue [You better bring an industrial blower; I gots **really** "big hair in

back--".]

Earnie [Try it and you'll eat through a straw the rest of your life.]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Earnie said that. Not me. If you saw my post about purchasing some "Healthy Dog Treats"

from a local "Dog Bakery" yuppie joint--you'll know I bought some of their "Home-Baked

Holistic Dog Treats". Very expensive. Around $5.00 a lb. Earnie did his ownshopping. So

did Peggy Sue. They had different flavors, although they all smelled thesame to me.

Bacon [smelled like oatmeal] Beef [smelled like oatmeal] Cheese [smelled like oatmeal]

Peanut Butter [smelled like oatmeal] and Carob with Garlic & Herbs [smelled like oatmeal

with garlic]. Earnie picked out the Peanut Butter ones, and Peggy Sue picked out the

Carob with Garlic. Maybe Peggy Sue thinks the Garlic will cover the smell of her poop

eating? Anyway, while we were in the Bakery, Earnie ate one of these biscuits. Inhaled

it, really, don't think he took time to taste it. Probably worried about what the hell

those funny little dogs in overcoats across the room were up to. Worried me, too. Looked

like Rats in uniforms. Anyway--- Yesterday I took a pocketful of these Yuppybiscuits

with us on the trail. Still had some of their regular treats, which we purchase in bulk

for $1.87 for 4 lbs. in my other pocket. Bopping along when we meet another owner & dog

coming the other way. Told the boy "sit". He did. Good boy! Treat time! Gave him one of

the Holisticwafers. He spit it out. I thought he dropped it. I picked it up, tried to

put it in his mouth. Wouldn't open his mouth. Gave me his best "yuck" look. Reached in

my other pocket for brand "X". He loved it. Even the dog coming the other way wouldn't

eat the Health Biscuit. It was laying on the trail where we left it an hour later.

Damn. My dog feels the same way about these biscuits as I do Tofu. Where's the beef? So

much for health food.

Earnie [I don't know what I was thinking about when we were shopping. I musta been

*real* hungry.]

Becky [I'll eat 'em! I'll eat 'em! Don't throw 'em out!]

Peggy Sue [They'll never replace Turf Tacos. But dad won't carry those in

his pockets.]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

OK! Finally, after a year of attempts at photographing Earnie with 4 tennis balls in his

mouth--I have succeeded! So, for those of you who told me I was full of it--well, yeah,

but this picture is *not* staged! This was not easy, folks! First off, the boy only

carries 4 tennis balls when he's really really really happy! Peggy Sue Roo-Roos! Becky

bounces! Everybody has their special "happy thing"! I've had no problem getting pictures

of Earnie with 3 tennis balls--that's normal. But he only carries those 4 on special

occasions. Each time I raced for the camera, the moment was gone. You know when he's

spitting them out, pushes 'em out with his educated tongue. Sounds like "Bill the

Cat"--Acckkkk--Ackkkk! Dang. Once I thought we had the picture, but you couldn't see the

balls--his head just took on the shape of a WWII Fighter Plane. Wide lips in place of

wings. Now--we have it! You can clearly count 4 balls! In fact--there could be 5--we're

not sure. The secret of this picture was in diving on the floor, and shooting up!

Michael shot the picture-- she got the rug burns! You can sure 'nuff count the 4 of 'em,

though! So, this qualifies Earnie for the title of "4x4" of the G&H list! 4 on the

floor, 4 in the mouth. Damn, if he wasn't "tutored"--he'd be a 4x4x2--right? So, we've

known for a long time who had the biggest human mouth on the list. Probably should split

that award, according to gender. Both first names start with the same letter--"S"--right? So, it's

only natural that the guy with the biggest mouth should

have the dog with the biggest mouth. I wonder how many tennis balls Gemma can carry,

anyway? Wow, for an "altered" male, the boy has balls----!

So, for those interested--reply privately, and I will send a JPEG image of the

Big-Mouthed Boy--!

Becky [Big deal. I can drag a huge--HUGE honkin' log into a river and retrieve it, too!

Tennis balls are for sissies!]

Peggy Sue [I'm far too much a lady to get involved in this sort of crap. Crap? Did

someone say crap? Where?]

Earnie [MMmmmfffff it's hard to talk around these balls!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Egad! The attention Earnie's photo has gotten is phenomenal--! So far, there have been

well over 300 requests to see that picture--that we know of! A couple of items I'll

mention publicly. Many asked how we got the picture. Some think it's staged, or I did it

in PhotoShop. It **is not** staged, or faked. He's done the 4-ball thing for quite a

while, but not often. We've been trying to get this picture for over a year. Dogs are

not good at posing on demand.

For you Techhies--My wife Michael took the photo, laying on the floor looking up at the

dog. She used a Nikon 8008s with motor drive, an SB-24 speedlight, 35-70mm 1:2.8 lens,

and Kodak Gold Max film. The biggest element was likely luck, as Michael really nailed

the depth of field & focus!

The other question is about using the photo. I've had numerous requests to use it. For

the record, I have *no problem* with anyone using the picture, provided--pay attention

here--that **any & all** proceeds or monies made go directly to Dog Rescue. I will ask

that anyone using the picture ask my permission, and explain your project. I personally

have no interest in personal gain. If rescue benefits, we're happy. I do think, now that

Cheryl Vetter has announced the "Book" project, that this picture will make a heck of an

attention grabber for the Book cover---<VBG>!

Becky [I do all the work, the biggest mouth gets all the glory--!]

Peggy Sue [There has to be drones, Becky--look at the White House--!]

Earnie [I'm gonna have my picture in more places than O.J. T-shirts, refrigerator

magnets, paintings--ahhhhh I'm famous--SHOW ME THE BISCUIT!!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; Peggy Sue; Pixie,

Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Not being the types who give up easily-- unless it's a job-- Michael & I decided to see

if we could get Earnie & Becky into Nursing Home Therapy work through our local Humane

Society. Peggy Sue got registered in Oregon through the Dove Lewis Program, a difficult

program to enter. Part of the reason the Dove Lewis program is tough is that Dove Lewis

dogs have complete Service Dog rights in the State of Oregon. Peggy Sue passed the

temperament test, Earnie & Becky were too dog-aggressive to make the cut. Did we give

up? Nope! Saturday we went through the "Orientation" at the local H.S.--about a two

hour presentation, including a gory video showing euthanasia. Ugh. But--today, we spent

another two hours at the H.S. with the Coordinator, an extremely pleasant lady who

checked our credentials--we passed, surprisingly--please, nobody on the list tell these

people the truth about us--! Then, the temperament testing on the three dogs! Tough

test. This consisted of slamming phone books on the floor, the woman cornering the

dogs-- literally, trapping them and hugging them, etc. This woman has guts! I can

imagine many dogs *not* being happy with a strange person, in a very strange place,

pinning them and literally laying upon them while holding her arms around the dogs neck,

her face *right* in the dogs face. She rolled chairs into them, slammed drawers, more

hugging, called them, handled their feet, and all parts of their bodies. All three

passed! Peggy Sue and Earnie accepted it; they were a tad nervous at first. Becky was in

hog heaven, of course. Old Becky no-nerves. This test did not include strange animals,

the reason Becky & Earnie washed out of the other program. We could have gone visiting

this week! Lots of facilities available that want/need visits! We decided to wait until

we return from the upcoming trip to California, this week will be busy with preparations

for the journey! We now have **three** Therapy dogs! Yes!

Becky [Wow! That was way cool--why did she keep slapping the phone book

around? Was she mad? It was great when she pinned me! I love hugs!]

Peggy Sue [This place stinks--what is this place? A dog prison? Is this the

Vets office? This sucks, but I'll deal with it if you want.]

Earnie [Dad! There's a damned **BIRD** in the hallway! Barkbarkbark! Oh, OK,

we go into this little office? This woman wants to hug me? Rub my feet? I'll give her 8

hours to stop this-ahhhh!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; TD

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet A.A.T.D; TD

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA; TD

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Yesterday was a rare opportunity to watch all three of our dogs being tested for

temperament. The testing was done because we wish to work them in Nursing Home and

Hospital Therapy. All three were tested individually, in the same room, by the same

person. Each test was identical. The reactions of the dogs were *not* identical! Read on

if you want--!

#1 Peggy Sue. Out of the van, heading toward the door of the Humane Society where the

testing is done. Oops! Stopped to sniff a really chewed-up wooden post. She looks

nervous. Skittery. Doesn't like the smells. Stinks like the Vet's Office. We open the

door, give the "wait" command. She waits. Sort of. Slithers through the door. Hallway

has cages both sides--birds, cats, rabbits, etc. Peggy Sue stiffens, takes on the "what

the hell is this place" stance. Notices Parakeet. Sniffs Parakeet. She likes birds.

Slight relaxation. Perhaps death is not immanent! Into the testing room, small cluttered

office. Strange woman immediately drops very thick phone book from a great height! Wham!

Peggy Sue doesn't react other than to get that "The sky is falling" look about her.

Strange woman comes at her in a rolling chair. Peggy Sue moves to the side. Looks at

woman closely. Woman climbs out of chair, literally traps Peggy Sue in a corner. Lays

down on Peggy Sue. Shoves her face into Peggy Sues face. Peggy Sue ain't liking

this--but, OK, deals with it. Goes to woman when called, gets petted, all is well. She

passes test, but is *very* happy to be OUTA THERE!

#2 Earnie. Out of the car, checks the "pissing post" in front, saunters into the front

door. James Dean with a fur coat. Checks things out. Arrgghh!!!! BIRD ALERT!

BarkBark Bark! "Yeah, Earn I know the bird is there, OK?" Cats, rabbits, no problemo.

Birds are enemies ever since that Kinglet flew into his face. Into the test room.

WHAPPO! Phone book slaps the floor like a shot right in front of his sizeable nose. He

just turns and looks at me. No big reaction. She traps him in the corner, no small

feat--he's big, he's quick, he's strong. She lays her body weight on him. Shoves her face in

his--he smiles. OBOY! Hug me! Ohhhhh dad! This is *one* friendly woman! Cool! Tail goes

wag wag wag. He gets passed. Out to the car. Happy boy.

#3 Becky. Outa the car. Swaggers up to the door. Doesn't bother with the pissing post.

Enters the door like John Wayne. If she had thumbs, she'd have hooked them in her

pockets. Cool hand Luke. Looks at the birds, cats, etc. Sniffs with distinct disdain as

if to say "what are all these lowly critters doing in here with me, the Queen?" Into the

test room. WHAM! Goes the phone book. She looks at the woman as if to say "if you wanna

play catch, just ask, OK?" Woman shoves her into corner. Pins her. Hard. If Becky were a

cat she'd have purred. Loved it. Did her "I'll give you 8 hours to stop that!" look--!

Woman shoves chair at Becky. Becky is busy rummaging in the waste-paper basket.

Something to eat. Chair bounces off Becky's butt, hard. Becky continues rummaging in

waste-paper basket. Woman decides Becky has nerves of steel. I told her that. Back to

the car. Becky passes test.

Earnie [What did I do that made you so happy? Let's do it again!]

Peggy Sue [You moron! That's **dog prison** and they kill critters in there! You're too

stupid to be afraid!]

Becky [Balderdash. Stand back and let me handle this, OK? No sweat.]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; TD

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet A.A.T.D; TD

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA; TD

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Whew! I've been **way** nervous all day! Why? Because today is the day of Earnies first

blood donation! I **do not** like needles. Plus, I've been concerned how Earnie would

react to having his blood taken. I didn't need to worry! Earnie was met by several

caring people at the Dove Lewis Emergency Animal Hospital in Portland, Oregon. He got a

thorough exam by a DVM, was pronounced "extremely fit" and then had his blood drawn.

They shave a small patch of hair off the throat, and insert the needle there. Earnie

laid on his side and eagerly accepted weenies and biscuits as we got him prepped. I was

holding his head as they inserted the needle--- he didn't even seem to notice it, not so

much as a twitch. Three of us snuggled him, talked to him, coddled him for about five

minutes--and it was over! At the end of the draw, he got 6 months worth of free Sentinel

tablets, a very pretty neck kerchief, and a fancy tag for his collar proclaiming him as

a Dove Lewis Blood Donor! He also gets his picture [guess which one!] hung on the wall

of the clinic as a blood donor! All in all, he loved it! I was the one freaked out.

It's a good feeling knowing our healthy pets blood may save the life of someone else's

beloved pet. The draws take place every 90 days. For those of you with healthy dogs

between the ages of 2-5 years old, check with your local Emergency Clinic. Likely they

too, have a need for blood. Wow! Quite a 48 hour period for the boy. Yesterday accepted

as a Therapy Dog in the morning, Agility class in the evening, and tonight a blood

donor! I think we'll take tomorrow off--?

Becky [Wow, he smells like weenies! How come he got weenies?]

Peggy Sue [Yeah, but he also smells like the Vets office. I'll pass on the weenies if it

entails a trip to the Vet.]

Earnie [These cool folks petted me, and fed me goodies, and hugged me, and gave me a new

scarf, and it was goooooooood!!!!]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; TD

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet A.A.T.D; TD

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA; TD

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue

Pretty pretty pretty pretty

Peggy Sue

Loves to lunch on her own dog-doo

makes her so happy

she sings "Roo-Roo"!

And you thought YOUR Limerick needed Beano--! P.U.---;->>

Peggy Sue [DO NOT FORGET I *am* the Fecal Gourmet--!]

Becky [Sure 'nuff glad I'm not the one brushing *her* teeth--!]

Earnie [Pretty strange lunch preferences. What the hell, she doesn't need a menu--can't

read anyhow.]

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; TD

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet A.A.T.D; TD

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA; TD

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Back home again. Been down in California, visiting with all the wonderful

G&H people around the San Francisco area. More news about the visits later.

Suffice it to say we had a ball! What a wonderful bunch of folks, and dogs!

Anyhow, this was a *test* of sorts. This was the first extended trip we've

taken in the Travel Trailer with all three [3] dogs. Thought we'd share our

revelations with the list. First, you have to realize just exactly what a

Recreational Vehicle consists of. Simple. A box on wheels. A portable

shelter, poorly designed. Why do I say they're poorly designed? Read on--!

The folks who market these RVs couldn't sell many if they were designed

properly. A properly designed RV would have dirt-colored flooring, walls,

counters, ceilings, etc. All surfaces would be non-stick, tougher than all

get-out. Ideally one could open the doors and hose the sucker down. But, as

I mentioned, nobody would buy something so mundane and practical. So, they

add glitter. Glamour. They beautify them. This pleases the public, and makes

them marketable. But, adding pretty carpets, drapes, etc. to a Travel

Trailer is a bit like chroming a lawn taco. Like applying lipstick to a pig.

Scratch the surface, it's still a lawn taco. Or a pig. Albeit, an attractive

lawn taco. Or pig. In the case of our RV the carpets are a deep Royal Blue.

Real practical. Ha. They're made of the cheapest possible material--and

everything stains them or sticks to them. Then there's the fabric wall

panels. Hair magnets. Of course, don't forget the plastic fake oak paneling.

Plastic plumbing fixtures that get a static electric charge and attract

fur-balls. You haven't lived until you've occupied a plastic hair-covered

toilet. Charming, just charming--! In a normal RV everything is made to last

about two years. If you're lucky. So here we are, two humans, and three

Golden Retrievers, who normally share 3000 square feet of house. Even the

house gets pretty hairy from time to time. Remember, 3000 square feet to

spread hair in. Now, we all gather together in a 27 foot long by 8 foot wide

chromed traveling lawn taco. For two weeks. If you deduct the square footage

for the counters, the queen-sized bed, etc. we are now sharing roughly 150

square feet of floor space. Hmmm. OK--in order to get a feel for this, let's

go back to the chrome lawn taco analogy. Take this lawn taco, roll it in a

mixture of sticky crud. Roll it around good, coat it thoroughly. Now, drop

the sticky chromed lawn taco in a bag of dog hair, dirt, sand, grass,

leaves, throw in a few ticks and fleas for animation--get the picture? It

ain't a pretty picture, is it? That, folks, is what the interior of the RV

looks like at the moment. Guess what we'll be doing tomorrow--? Uh-huh,

cleaning the hair outa the trailer. While the dogs nap. What's wrong with

this picture? Hmmmm. Did somebody say "dumb dog?"

Becky [On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again,

lalalala [sorry, Willy Nelson!]

Earnie [West bound and down, we be a-truckin']

Peggy Sue [I hate Country music--!!!]

--

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; TD

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet A.A.T.D; TD

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA; TD

Living in SW Washington State; USA

Today was the BIG day for the Richardson troops--something we've worked for

for months now. Before we left for CA we had all three dogs tested through

our local Humane Society so we could do Animal Assisted Therapy visits with

them! This morning with all three dogs in tow we went to a local Nursing

Home/Rehab. Center. We took Becky in first, knowing that **nothing** scares

her except the thought of missing a meal, maybe--! Becky was in hog heaven,

and even managed to get some response out of people who are not capable of

doing much, if any, communication. Watching someone respond to an animal

when they won't respond to a human is a heart-warming experience. All our

efforts to get these dogs into this program paid off in the first hour. We

brought Peggy Sue and Earnie in together, not knowing exactly what to expect

from Earnie. He was "exuberant" in the words of the Director--we worked him

in the hallways, among the wheelchairs, and kept him out of the rooms for

the most part except where the people expressly asked to see him. He calmed

down in the first 10 minutes or so--and was a big hit with several of the

residents! Peggy Sue, all-American Sweetheart stole some hearts this

morning--so gratifying to watch! Michael and I made a few new friends, too!

We are looking forward to the next visit, in a week. For the present time

we'll work primarily this one Nursing Home, the idea is to build a rapport

with the residents. Some of them get so excited to see the dogs! If any of

you on the list have ever considered this--do it! Everybody wins! It's a bit

of an effort to get your dogs certified--but worth the effort!

Earnie [What *is* this place? Hey, hands to pet me--food carts, too! I like

it! ]

Peggy Sue [I like my head rubbed. I particularly liked the 96 year old lady

who was soooooo sweet--!]

Becky [I'll work ALL the rooms! Oh, this is TOO much fun!]

--

Michael & Scotty

The Golden Gang

Becky; The Red Scourge of Squirrels, Feline Track Coach; TD

Peggy Sue; Pixie, Lover

of Every Creature; Fecal Gourmet A.A.T.D; TD

Earnie; Marriage Test, Woobie Shredder, General PITA; TD

Living in SW Washington State; USA