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| BEST TOUR STORY OF 1999 | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Scioto Valley and the SVELTS Trip to Georgia | SVELTS | |||||||||||||||||||
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I debated on how to handle this entry. This was simply the greatest tour story I read last year. Funny, sad, and believable. It is a VERY long story so it would be tough to reprint the entire "book." I have cut and pasted various clips of this great epic for your reading pleasure. Use the link at the bottom to read the stories in full. "The Book of Stupidity" has two parts, written by 2 different people....man and a woman. Check out their versions and enjoy. This is the 1999 Tour Story of the year. 11-March-99: Thursday 2 p.m. Is it acceptable for semi-mature, quasi-professional men to willingly fling themselves into the chasm of debauchery? Hell, all I need to do is look at the contortions of the faces of the men sitting in the front seat of our rented vessel to know the answer to this. Bigger Time (a.k.a. Bar Stool) and Big Daddy really need this. The definition of need here isn't some biological process-that thing that pulls buzzards back Hinckley or sparrows to Capestrono-no, this is something deeper, more intestinal, definitely spiritual albeit non-secular. It makes you wonder: When it comes to stewed prunes, are three too many, are four not enough? My apologies to Chevy Chase, whom Dan Clifford considers one of America's most important actors-which explains why he's never been on a rugby trip. Let the games begin. 8 a.m. I'm up. I'm always up early. I check out the ocean. It's still there. What's that? lesbians cuddling on the beach. Already. Cool! (Editor's note: we discover later that there's some sort of lesbian pride event planned for Sunday(really cool!) White wine, anyone? Need coffee. 12 to 5:30 p.m. To River Street! Call this "Wondering Drunk, Part I." It's not too crazy yet. We meet up with some of the Blind Pig guys (Univ. of Georgia Old Boys) they're always here. Get acquainted with some guy named George from Orlando "he's definitely SVELT-like" in between Jaeger and Rumpleman's shots he says he seeking a game "yeah, we invite him" he may show. No one falls down, yet! 13-March-99: Saturday 6 a.m. Holy shit! Can't move. Brain hurts. 6:30 a.m. I'm up. I stumble to the room of the Steel Valley boys? I believe they're dead, they look it, but this is not the stench of the dead? too organic. Besides, the dead don't snore. Jimmy lifts his head long enough to accuse me of some caper?yeah, like I want to be up. |
6 p.m. to 3 a.m. To River Street! Call this "Wondering Drunk, Part II." We go forth with the courage of Lion Hearts, the dedication of gnats, the intelligence of captive turkeys and the hormones of 8th graders. The only blip in the tour is that we learn there is no Island Shuttle to Savannah, or if there is, they don't want us on it. So, we con-OK, we end up paying her-the mother of our motel-lobby goddesses to drive us. We learn she's from Akron and that her older sister is really horny (we guess the woman's 103). She gives us her pager number and tells us to dial in 696969 when we want a ride home? right! Mental note: You can't get here from there at 3 a.m., especially if your designated driver is home passed out cold, and her 43-year-old brother believes she's at risk of gang sex. Now that's comedy! Call Guinness because Bing's connection one minute after hitting River Street has to be a World Record. The rest of us-with Bing and his entourage in tow-find the blues band we're sharing a motel hall with. They're the Statesboro Blues Band, and these geezers can jam! Our front-row-groupie-imitations includes vignettes such as hoisting the wife of some weasel using her crotch for leverage, while she looked for a friend in the crowd; doing-the-butt with a 40-something divorcee, her-married-but-single-for-the-weekend sisters, and their friend, whose husband was on sea duty with the Navy (is this a great country or what(you couldn't do this shit in Kosovo.) Other sideshows include laudable renditions of The Two-Finger, The Wabble-Lips, The Is-That-Your-Belly?, and The Show-Us-Your-Tits polkas. Query: Is there some magical force in the voices of thousands of screaming, drunken men that makes women raise their blouses? Oh, and we lose Quigg. (Can anyone say Monongahela Dan?) Fade to Pittsburgh, June 1998: Jeff: "Hey, Woody, Quigg's missing, should we worry?" Woody: "We'll see if he's back by 9 a.m., if not we dredge the river.") The evening ends as weird as it begins. We make our way to the Marriott, where our wrinkled escort said to meet her. She doesn't show, but we get to witness a threesome of sorts in the parking lot of all places. There's almost a fight at 3 a.m. when first Brett (then the rest of us) attempt to talk to a filly sitting on a hood of a beat up Chevy, only be ambushed by her drunken and slobbering brother and father. We figure a battle's not worth it, as these mites couldn't punch their way out of a paper bag. We also figure our night's going one hell of a lot better than theirs as almost everyone in their vehicle is hanging out the doors or laying in the street puking, in full view of a cop at the corner (Ah, Savannah, my heart goes to thee!) Meanwhile, big bro is spitting at them all in some southern scream to "Get back into the Goddamn car." We get a cabby to drive us back and not charge and arm and a leg. | |||||||||||||||||||
| Svelt Wrap Up | ||||||||||||||||||||
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What we learned: Corona and Bud don't mix Big Daddy is cute in Scooby Doo boxers Quigg is dead weight after collapsing in a parking lot Women without teeth shouldn't smile; spitting is acceptable Bigham is an idiot Always party with beer reps Griz Light looks like a movie star Barry Manilow concert T-shirts are not appropriate attire on SVELTS road trips; Nine Inch Nails shirts are A two-finger discount takes on a whole new meaning on River Street The SVELTS know how to party It's not so much girth as it is attitude Women think we're charming when we smell bad Phil Payne is a bad ass Carol Payne did not pet the bull dog Sparky is a God Savannah Tree wants to be the mother of all our children Big Breasts is not a town in Montana, Crusted Butte is | ||||||||||||||||||||
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