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USSR RUGBY: United Socialists Sluts of Rugby 2000 Ottawa Tour | ||||||||||||||||||||
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, but at least we knew it was gonna be naked times. As we milled around the Kremlin (the USSR camp site along pitch #2), the Soviet Flag flew in the wind. I was relieved to know that my wallet and the money in it were still with me. I only had to worry about Kangaroo court at this point, and that was over 24 hours away. I had left my wallet, my cash and the team's cash in BriBri's car near the airport. I noticed the absence of ID while checking in, but thanks to preparedness, I had packed a copy of my birth certificate and an expired ID. They were good enough to get me on the Air Canada Flight, but there were doubts if I would be able to return to the States. Now thanks to Craig, I would. Craig had driven up to Bri's car and gotten my wallet. Ah my wallet. I noticed something near my Driver's license. What is that? Hair? What the....and a strange feeling came over me...short, brown curly hairs. I see how Craig wants to play this game.....he wants to take it to the PUBIC. The tents were up, the tiki torches were set, coolers were filled, beers being drunk and it was closing in on 3 pm. Perfect, the last of our clan arrived. Jim D and Kibbe unpacked their stuff and set up tent. We were all now officially accounted for. We all loaded up in the vehicles that brought us, it was a bit more crowded than before, and drove to the Gypsy Rose. We entered the dark and perfumey bar and noticed the lack of women on stage. Oh no I feared, the Gypsy has become a karaoke bar. Oh the punishment I would receive in court. No, there is a large breasted lady walking on stage now. Beer!! We ordered lots of beer. Brian, MJ, Kiwi John, and I sat on the far side of the stage, everyone else was scattered around the circle stage. Everyone wore the his Jersey. MJ didn't get any Canadian money yet, so he was under the good will of Brian and myself. Now MJ wanted to get on stage for several women. He would grip the money I had given him to lie on stage, but then stop. The week before, July 3, the boys had all partied way beyond our means and MJ was injured during a brawl between Cruberti and myself. Cruberti had dumped his head into the wall, which had scraped MJ's pretty face along the cement. He now had a abrasion to the right of his eye. He covered this with a band-aid. He feared the stripper would get off his face and would find a pussy, bloody band-aid stuck to her inner thigh. I finally told him to go for it and the stripper loved the wound and expressed her interest in rugby players, to which MJ commented, "well you are surrounded by them." After some crucial trades by some of the guys (for smoke and digits), we headed back to the Kremlin. Our vehicle got a bit out of control on the drive back.  Kiwi John was driving and Jeff was in the front seat. JC and I were in the middle and Craig, Brian and Auggie were in the back. At some point, JC was fighting with Jeff about the music that would be played, and Kiwi John kept swerving all over the road. The fight turned back towards me and Jeff and I had him in a head luck and he had my arm in a drool lock. We pushed and prodded and I made a move for the door....slid it open and started to push Jeff out the door.....Auggie quickly grabbed him and we shut the door. Everyone sorta looked at each other, shrugged and went back to wrestling. We got back to the camp, last to leave, first to arrive. We had missed the important rugby super league match and started drinking heavily. Vodka was passed around and the tiki torches were lit. The mosquitoes were so bad, we were forced in doors and to the club we went. Some of the guys entered an ancient Indian sweat lodge to smoke the magical plant. When they left, many of the players became tired and fell asleep around 8 pm in their tents. The others went upstairs to drink. A two-man band played several great songs and even did a good version of Magic Carpet Ride. A group of Rochester boys partied very hard and made fun of my comrades for not drinking as heavily as they were. We continued to drink pitcher after pitcher and slowly became quite intoxicated. Handsome Pete, who was still wearing his Dinosaur Slippers, was dancing with every chick he could get his hands on. Kiwi John and I would throw him money...(Handsome Pete, He dances for nickels). He would dance, we would drink. MJ made his way into the bar, sat down pounded some beers and motioned to me to advance towards the group of Shippensburg Girls. We flanked the ladies, but then they recognized me from last year, "Montana," they exclaimed. We said our hellos and I grabbed someone to dance with....telling MJ to do the same. He stood there waiting. MJ doesn't have much game. SO I walked back to a cute girl near him, said, "will you ask my friend to dance, he is really shy." She did and they danced. I looked over about this time to see Donnelly spilling beer on himself, making biting motions in the air, and laughing at Handsome Pete. Women surrounded Pete. One of the boys was swing dancing with 4 different girls at one time. Amazing. I made my way back to the tent a couple times during the night, check on the Kremlin. Super Boy was sawing logs, I somehow got Jeff awake and he joined us for some beers, before he crashed again. We went back to the clubhouse and watched the finale of the band. They were very good. I noticed Kiwi John Sneaking out of the clubhouse. I followed, and watched him climb the flag pole like it was a coconut tree and he was a islander. Some people approached, I moved under the pole and made chit chat til they left. KJ wanted the Canadian flag, but was unable to get it and slid down. We worked our way back to the Kremlin and saw Kibbe had kept the fire high and hot. I thought surely it must be 2 or 3 am. We cooked up some hot dogs, but them on buns and enjoyed our feast. Kiwi John and I crawled into our tent and went to sleep. Blah blah blah...I wake up....I hear something outside. Loud noises. Its dark. What the hell time is it. If we went to bed at 2, it must be 3 or 4. Wait that is Big Jesse. He is awake. He is calling for me. He pokes his head in the tent. "Montana, why are you sleeping?" I tell him I am sleepy. "Wait, you are not Montana, that is Montana," a confused girl says. "I know, I am Super Boy," Jesse replies. She seems okay with this exchange and they wander off. Ground hard, I cold, sleepy. "Montana, Montana, where are you." Unfamiliar voices I hear. I reply, "over here." Kiwi John says, "shush?..you don't want them to find you do you?" "Who find who," I reply. Suddenly the zipper whips open, I get drug out into the morning air. It is sunny, barely, must be around 6 am. It's the Aurora Boys....my club from 3 years before. They are drinking. I am sleepy. Kiwi John busts out of the tent....and goes and yacks behind the tent. We get up and eat, drink a beer and get ready. The team starts rising around 830. By 9 we hear stories of this cute chubby balding USSR member that passed out at the bar and puked into a pitcher. Sounds like Brian I thought. Soon enough, BJ comes over and explains he had to take Brian home....carrying him home that is. Brian tried to bite people....telling them "for fuck sake...fuck off." He is in his tent now. We realize we need for him to wake up at some point, to get over his drunk. I volunteer. |
I now know what it's like in a hostage negotiation. I come offering myself as a guarantee that the team will survive...we need our Centre....the evil creatures in Brian must let him free. Then, out of nowhere, it changes from hostage negotiation, to the exorcist. Brian's eyes start spinning in circles, a few "fuck sakes," come out and I think I hear a growl. He says he is still drunk and wants to sleep. I lie, I tell him we have 20 minutes til the game(we have 2 hours). I go back in about 20 minutes and tell him we have 30 minutes. He gets up, and is very pissed that I lied. The rest of the team is slow out of bed too. Jesse gets up telling tales of 2 girls masturbating him in the bushes. JC brings up the point that he couldn't sleep at all Friday night because of whoever Jesse had in his tent wouldn't shut the fuck up. Then JC tells about how Jeff Collins, who had awakened again, threw a field mouse in Superboy's tent on Super Boy's date. Somewhere in the night, everyone managed to fall asleep. We played at 11 am. We sucked. We won, but we sucked. JC Scored 2 trys....oh no. After the game we went back to camp. My stomach was in a nasty mess. MJ about shit and puked himself on the field. The team was a bit run down from the night before. One of the North Bay guys, while whoring with UOV, hit his head, got a concussion and went into a seizure. The ambulance came for him. He turned out okay, but he didn't play any more that day. We played at 1:30 in our second match. We won that game too, barely. JC scored one try. Oh no. WE were done for the day, because Town of Mount Royal had forfeited to us that morning. Three wins on Saturday.....that was good, top 5 seed anyways. We started to drink. Except me....My stomach was a mess. Around 4 pm I was good and we started drinking beers heavy. We had our kangaroo court, which really was pretty bad. I really am a terrible judge.....but I did get away without being punished for my leaving my wallet in Washington, DC. Cruberti told everyone he put his pubic hair in my wallet and they thought it was time served. I then informed him I put his pubes back in his beer at the Strip Joint on Friday. He became very angry and I was then charged with something or other and had to introduce myself to each girl "Hi, would you like to floss with one of my pubes." I had to do this til the Naked game. Lindy passed out a bunch of Mardi Gras beads from New Orleans and everyone oooed and awed over the prize. Lindy received an applause. Our Den mother Lindy was a great mom to have on this trip. We drank a bunch of beer and the next thing I know, the naked game is being organized. Auggie really wants to play badly. Jim D, MJ and I attempt to find him a date. We find one girl, but she will only play if her friend will....we tie them together with Mardi Gras beads to assure she doesn't escape while she looks. She cannot find them and breaks the beads. Auggie is out of luck....for now. The Naked game was played, with about 7 of the boys in the game, including Auggie...the crown prince of Argentina. The game ended as a tie and stories of the game and shower spread like wild fire among the dressed players. The best naked game yet. After showers, more alcohol, hot tubbing, rugby songs, and the DJ's last song, the party broke up a bit. The bar stopped selling booze, the clans started breaking up. Everyone wandered around til it was very late. Super Boy made his way home with another girl to show her his tent pole. JC and I sang rugby songs at the top of our lungs. Jeff scavenged for jerseys. Everyone slept. I found myself sleeping around 4 AM and woke up to a wet, windy cold day. We had a tough time getting everyone awake for the games, but we won the first game (quarter finals) in Sudden death OT. We then beat Ste. Foy by about 5 trys....I even scored my first try ever with my team and 1st in Canada as well(3rd overall). I always must refer back to the Mark Twain of the front row...DIDDS: "Props are not supposed to score tries. Those that do have either cheated or fallen over in the wrong place. My brother is also a prop, but while on tour to Holland several years ago, was put on the wing and scored a hat trick. Since that day no other prop in his club has spoken to him, and I only discourse with him about our mother's birthday present. He has been forced into exile to Australia, where for some strange reason they accept try-scoring props. Must be something to do with all those convicts and kangaroos. If by some incredible fluke of luck a prop scores, he will spend the rest of his life describing in great detail the feat." Well, I will tell you about my try sometime.  Handsome Pete  Handsome Pete's slippers | |||||||||||||||||||
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Well we won and faced the Imperial College of London. They were well taken care of....Jaguar financed their trip with $10,000. We had Whiteys sponsor our trip (they gave $50). Well since the game was not that fun....I will say we lost and that was all I am gonna say about that. We posed for our team picture, showered, and were on our way back to the states. The USSR failed to win gold in Ottawa, but not too shabby for a drunk B/C side with a couple A side contenders. We played well, we drank well, and we sure the hell socialized well. Top 10 things seen, heard, or felt at the 2000 Indians Tourney. 10. someone stole the Ottawa Indians Argentinean Flag. Why the hell would we steal it, it isn't like we have anyone from Argentina on our team. 9. SuperBoy impersonated Montana much of Friday night. 8. Once again, Harry is asleep by 9:30 pm. (Harry is a world class sprinter, running in a marathon.). 7. Handsome Pete Dances for Nickels. 6. MJ finds game when it is thrown on his lap 5. Auggie made out with Flesh 4. Cruberti quotes, "We're getting our ass-kicked by a bunch of pre-teen, limey fucks," during the championship match. 3. JC says to girl, "feel my ass....it's like reading Braille, I hate mosquitoes." 2. USSR takes second place to a bunch of punks, but we had fun for 2 days before the game. 1. USSR saying all weekend, "I see you baby, Shakin that ass...shakin that ass." .  The Gypsy Rose....can't take me home. | ||||||||||||||||||||
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