A Desire for the Gold

(Desire stands in the luxury apartment set, with expensive furniture to his left, a stylist coffee table in front and a bar to the right, ninja fixing the drinks and Flex Bruiser sat at the bar drinking them)

DESIRE: Welcome to my luxury Hollywood apartment, joining me today is a very 'erm' special guest.

(The guests music blasts out, it's the tune from the kids program 'Button Moon', it's the Flying Saucers theme! Miss Vamp clambers off of Jason and walks towards the patio door, a lovely view of Hollywood from the window. Raze lets Saucer in then stands guard at the door. Vamp meets Saucer who is looking particularly stupid today, attired in a silver tin foil jacket draped with fairy lights and tinsel, florescent green tights, his face covered with multicoloured glitter and sporting a saucepan on his head. He is accompanied by a old man in a black ninja costume, it's his manager 'The Master' taking a break from the popular martial arts TV series!)

DESIRE: Evening Flying Saucer or should I say Cryin Saucer.
SAUCER: Cryin sounds fine, I do a lot of crying.
DESIRE: That's settled than and you can call me Mr Desire.
SAUCER: Mr Desire I'd just like to say what an honour it is for me to meet such a talented athlete as yourself, you're so perfect in every way, so good looking, such a great physique, I'm so impressed.
DESIRE: Great observation Cryin.
SAUCER: If only I was half as talented as you Mr Desire, I'm so how can I put it.....
VAMP: crap!
DESIRE: To be fair to you though, you have had a little success in you're wrestling career, haven't you?
SAUCER: Yeh, I've won some titles but to be honest they were all flukes.
DESIRE: Anyway, how’s you're tag team partner the levitating teaspoon?

(A spoon flies over from behind the bar and hits Saucer on his saucepan) Ding

VAMP: There he is, the teaspoon has 'stirred'.
SAUCER: Mr Desire did you know that's why I chose 'Button Moon' as my theme music, I'm a big fan of Mr spoon.
DESIRE: I can believe it. What's this I here about you challenging the most powerful man in the sport, my good friend Flex Bruiser, Can't be true surly!

(Bruiser turns around from the bar to face Saucer)

SAUCER: I know what you're thinking Mr Desire, you think Mr Bruiser will batter me into retirement.
VAMP: Right on the money honey!
SAUCER: Well the thing is I'm a masochist, I love getting beat up and I couldn't think of a better man for the job than Mr Bruiser.
BRUISER: I'll be happy to oblige, it would be a pleasure.

(Meanwhile The Mystic Ninja is teaching the Master a few karate moves, Ninja executes a spinning savate kick, The Master blocks the kick with his jaw and the Master is out cold)

DESIRE: How about a drink cryin’?

(Bruiser pulls a bottle out from the bar, Desire takes off the saucers saucepan and Bruiser breaks the bottle over saucers head)

VAMP: Smashing honey!

(Bruiser puts the saucers saucepan back on with a double axehandle, the saucers eyes now covered as he trips over the settee then falls through the apartment window)

DESIRE: What a 'shock' for the 'master'!
VAMP: Cryin looks a bit 'spaced' out doesn't he honey.

(Desire, Vamp, Bruiser & Ninja all burst into hysterics)

VAMP: Jason that was a disgusting incident!.....Look he's damaged the window.
DESIRE: Don't worry darling, they'll be a bill in the post to the cryin one.
VAMP: Jason that was great fun, I hope they'll be another one
DESIRE: You never know.

(Mariah Careys 'Simply Stunning' starts to play as the camera fades away)

---

(The TV zooms in on the luxury Hollywood apartment set, Flex Bruiser is sat at the bar with a beer, the ninja mixing some cocktails as Jason Desire and Miss Vamps untangle their tongues)

DESIRE: Welcome everyone, its your pleasure to be here in my luxury apartment. This week we thought it might be interesting to interview UWO 'star' Craig Griffiths.
VAMP: But it wasn't! Anyway what a ...... guest we have today honey.
DESIRE: I think I smell the aroma of haggis.
VAMP: Yeh! It's trany-time honey!

(Music blasts out from the loud speakers, its the tune from the 'Clothes Show', look who's staggering down the catwalk/rampway, its the super-model Naomi Beadel)

VAMP: Its now time for the Scottish collection, look at the lovely super-model Naomi sporting the latest 'ruff as hell' look. Wearing a red, blue, yellow and green checked tasteless tartan 'skirt', not complete without the little dead hamster attached to the front, a white blouse with a very stylish yellow puke imprint down the front and the latest fashion accessory, the half drunk bottle of scotch.
DESIRE: Notice the spotty, blotchy texture, and that's just hi..her face.
VAMP: Check out the green fishnet stockings and the red suspenders honey.
DESIRE: Pity about the knobbly knees.

(Naomi stops halfway up the catwalk to pose to the crowd, as she turns around, her legs give way and she collapses off of the catwalk onto the concrete in a heap!)

DESIRE: Nice entrance Naomi.

(Two GWA security help Naomi towards the apartment set, Naomi says thanks and vomits over one of the men who in turn drops her in front of the set and walks off a little disgusted)

BRUISER: I'd offer you a drink Naomi, but it seems you've had enough.
DESIRE: Welcome to my Hollywood apartment Naomi, I'd ask you to take a seat but you might not bring it back. How’s the modelling business these days?
BEADEL: HICK?!? HICK!?!
DESIRE: That good eh!
BEADEL: HICK!! See you HICK!! Jimmy HICK!!
DESIRE: The names Jason, not Jimmy, Mr Desire to you.
VAMP: You know, Naomi honey, you do look familiar! What's this in your hair? It looks like lice!

(Miss Vamp checks out Naomi's hair, and it comes off in her hand)

VAMP: Its, its a wig, its that Scottish person Jason Beadle in drag!! Jason Beadle is the 'not so super' model Naomi Beadel, oh my god honey!

(Desire does a very poor impression of a shocked person as Miss Vamp spectacularly faints in his arms)

DESIRE: Raze, get rid of this.... impostor, transvestite, prankster fool!

(Raze lays out the former super-model with a big right hand and drags him up the catwalk by the hair. Jason struggles, his skirt coming loose as he tries to escape, the skirt now separated from Beadle as a selection of Desirettes in the crowd have a good look)

DESIRETTE 1: Are you sure it isn't a women?
DESIRETTE 2: He could just be a steroid user, I guess.
DESIRETTE 1: Well at least low blows will not affect him.
DESIRETTE 3: Its not just Beadles wrestling ability that is almost none existent then.
DESIRE: The truth is out then, Jason Beadle is a transvestite, a very poor pro. wrestler by day and a very ugly super-model by night!
BRUISER: Beadle never fails to surprise me, when you think he’s sunk as low as you can go he just goes lower.
DESIRE: Unfortunately I will have to leave now fans to tend to Miss Vamp, I'll find a way to revive her.
VAMP: Revive me honey.
DESIRE: Don't forget that famous saying, if you've got it flaunt it, if you haven't then you're Jason Beadle!

(Mariah Carey's 'Simply Stunning' plays as the camera fades away)

---

(The camera zooms in on Jason's luxury Hollywood apartment set, the Mystic Ninja in his usual black robes and hood is behind the bar handling the liquid refreshments, Flex Bruiser sat at the bar sampling them and is looking even more massive than usual showing off his 29" biceps in his World Gym training shirt. In the middle of the apartment lying on the settee is a topless Brute Hammer who's wearing only jeans and a large leather belt with a impressive looking hammer attached, on top of him is the Psycho Babe from Hell attired in cycling shorts and a very cropped 'So Psycho' T-shirt, and to their left wearing a white shirt with a Oriental Alliance tie, reclining in a chair reading a Japanese newspaper is Akira Kobashi. As expected Jason himself steals the show fashion wise in his red Armani suit and a white bandanna with a lipstick kiss pattern, the sex goddess Miss Vamp is as always stood as Jason's side in a very skimpy skin coloured bikini)

DESIRE: I was thinking of changing the name of my interview segment to A Desire For Some Quality Guests, but luckily this week I have what many people, and I myself consider wrestlings greatest stable of athletes, the Oriental Alliance. From right to left, my former tag partner and good buddy, a former GWA International Champion and current GWA World Tag Team Champion, the 'Master of Power' Flex Bruiserrrrrr!! In front of me taking it very easily, well you certainly need to when you compete in the EWC, first the worlds most talented female wrestler, top BWWF contender the Psycho Babe from Hell, underneath that lovely Japanese specimen we have the hardest man in the sport, that's what Babe told me anyway... the 'Gladiator' Brute Hammerrrrrrrrr, and to his left the 'former' UWO champion, the ultimate suplex machine, the 'Perfect Package' Akira Kobashi!
KOBASHI: That's UWO 'World' champion actually Jason!
DESIRE: Sorry Mr Kobashi, no offence, I thought the UWO was a regional fed.

(Jason pulls a stool up at the bar and orders his drink)

DESIRE: Just one of those tropical looking cocktails please Mr Ninja sir. First question to Mr Bruiser, you've won the GWA Strong Arm Contest, are you the strongest man in all of wrestling then?
BRUISER: Yes.
DESIRE: Very good, next question. Following the recent demise of the GWA as a wrestling promotion, you along with many GWA stars have joined the CNW, how do you see your career going there and is there anyone you're really looking for?
BRUISER: Even though the GWA has been inactive for most of the last twelve months, the Master of Power has not been inactive, the GWA's strongest man is still the strongest, even though our GWA world tag title has only been defended sporadically over the last year, such is our greatness that we are still ranked as the number one team in the sport. The most awesome of physiques is just even more so, if you can imagine that and the Bruiserline still resides as the premier clothesline in wrestling. I'm surprised you need to ask how my CNW career will go, I will be dominant, I will win titles and I will injure people, it might sound a little arrogant but it's true! Who am I looking for? anyone with a title basically, I have no time for pointless feuds, I have been trapped in the promotional inactive GWA for too long, I want some serious challenges, now!
DESIRE: What do you think of the current crop of GWA Champions?
BRUISER: The tag champions are unbeatable! no seriously the tag champs are totally unbeatable. I detest the Dentist although I've no doubt he is talented, though at what I do not know, I've defeated him once and I've destroyed him once, third time will be no different. Dentist is no match for Flex Bruiser and he knows it, he won't fight me cause he knows he can't win. World champion Worshipper is 'big', and that's about it, he basically fluked a victory against Legion in the Holy Wars and defeated Beadle because of his massive stable.
NINJA: I'd just like to interject here Flex, Tojo Osawa you might be a rich and powerful man in Japan but face the Oriental Alliance and your stocks will fall so fast you'll be bankrupt within five minutes of you're CNW debut.
BRUISER: That's right Ninja, Worshipper has a big gut and a big stable, period!
DESIRE: Will you and Brute Hammer ever team up again?
BRUISER: Well I have my own agenda, Brute has his, he's got a new partner but never say never in this sport. No offence to our team Jason but the greatest combination ever put together was Flex Bruiser and Brute Hammer, I'm talking better than the Militia's, the Annihilator's, and the Styners'.
GBH: For sure, I know that I can call on Flex at any time and Flex knows he can call on me for a hand or a K(i)LL or whatever, Flex has a good partner in Torturer, but he's no Brute Hammer as you know Jason!
DESIRE: Talking of your tag partner Flex, how are you enjoying teaming?
BRUISER: Torturer is a fine partner, we are universally acknowledged as the best team in the sport, as long as we stay that way I can't see a problem.
DESIRE: I've heard rumours Tort considers himself the captain of the team, what would you say to that?
BRUISER: Let Torturer think that if he wants, hey don't be starting dissension Jason, as long as we stay the champs I'm happy.

(Desire makes his way to the settee with Miss Vamp in tow)

DESIRE: Over to the Hammer, your 'hard man' reputation in the wrestling world is now absolutely undeniable, indeed the dream has become reality, can you be defeated?
GBH: I suppose I'd have to say yes, fifteen and two is damn good, but it's not perfect, Dustin Bags defeated me and I retired him from the sport, Ravishing Raver defeated me and I ran him out of the FWF. So I'd say I can be beaten, although it's extremely unlikely, and even if an opponent manages to fluke a win over me he won't live to tell the tale!
DESIRE: All I hear around the circuit is 'Brute Hammer - hardest man on earth', would you agree with that?
GBH: I'm not a person who goes around blowing his own trumpet, there's plenty of people around who'll blow it for me Jason.

(Babe turns over on the settee exposing her very ample assets as Jason's tongue checks out the apartment floor)

BABE: Yeh, just ask any of Brute's opponents if they're out of intensive care.
GBH: If you want proof, buy a front row seat for a EWC card or alternately talk to Fuzzy Rae, Argonaut, Iron Warrior or Gua Nomme, they'll show you the scars and injuries to prove I'm the hardest man in wrestling!
DESIRE: Oooww Babe..... I think I need another drink please Ninja. Right Hammer, the list of scalps you already possess is mighty impressive considering you haven't been around long in wrestling terms.

(Akira looks up from his newspaper for a second)

GBH: Certainly is, it looks good on the old CV, but it has it's disadvantages too, once my opponents see my credentials they either cancel the matches they've signed against me or leav... run from the promotion, and as for the champions in the FWF, they have absolutely no intention of defending against me and they've told me that to my face! I'm so feared it's unreal Jason.
DESIRE: And Psycho Babe, you've got pretty nice pai....uhm pretty nasty rep too, what plans do you have for the future?

(Miss Vamps runs her hands over Jason's trousers, obviously checking to see if they are fastened correctly!)

DESIRE: Calm down darling.
BABE: I plan to be the only female to win a world title while at the same time managing a wrestler to a world belt. I also expect my Team from Hell to be totally dominant and destroy every top tag team in wrestling. I have many future plans for EWC but I'm not going to be foolish enough to disclose them on national TV, lets just say the plans I have will rock the whole wrestling world like its never been rocked before.
DESIRE: Well Psycho Babe, you certainly are as you T-shirt suggests 'Soooo Psychoooo!!', are the rumours true regarding you and Iron Warrior, are you giving it to Warrior, come on you can tell me.
BABE: I'm certainly giving it to him..... my managerial brain, the latest training techniques and plenty of title shots. Warrior has got bulges in places other wrestlers haven't but as for my man it's the Hammer, the dream is reality...... in my bed!
DESIRE: On that rather exciting note let's talk to the Alliance's UWO representative Akira Kobashi. First question, how come you lost to Savage Warrior?

(Kobashi puts down his paper and fold his arms)

KOBASHI: Simple, due to outside interference from several sources. The standard of refereeing in the UWO has really gone down hill lately.
DESIRE: Yes and yes, but Savage Warrior is crap! and you are the perfect package.
KOBASHI: I hold Ric Paradise personally responsible for my title loss, I will regain my UWO world title and then I will retire Paradise from wrestling forever!
DESIRE: Ric's a fine wrestler, I should know I've teamed with him before, that would be a tough match.
KOBASHI: No question about that, Paradise can wrestle, but can he out brawl the Perfect Package and can he overpower the Perfect Package, I think not Jason!
DESIRE: Will you be staying around the UWO then or will you be for instance venturing into the FWF, BWA or CNW?
KOBASHI: I am the UWO franchise, you're not going to see me debuting in the FWF or BWA with a teacher gimmick or something Jason. I made my name in the UWO, and so far the UWO has been very good to me, this is my home.
DESIRE: Any future UWO plans then Akira?
KOBASHI: As I said, I will regain the UWO title and then I plan on making a run at the UWO world tag team titles, I've got a few partners in mind, but nothing definite yet.
DESIRE: Before I leave I'd like to catch a quick word with the main man, the Mystic Ninja, what are your views on the current state of play of your super-stable?
NINJA: I'd say the Alliance's hottest property at the moment is the Gladiator, EWC champion and top contender in the FWF, Brute has amassed one of the most amazing records of any athlete in the sport today, the dream has become reality and is heading for immortality as far as I'm concerned! Big Flex, future of wrestling, that's what a lot of people as well as me are calling him, the strongest man in the entire sport bar none, Flex's career has kind of met a brick wall due to the GWA's demise, though he still resides as GWA world tag champ and top contender for the International and World titles, put simply Flex would be World champion by now if the GWA hadn't gone down. The Package Akira Kobashi, arguably the most complete wrestler in the sport, was unlucky to lose the UWO world title and he will regain it as soon as he is granted a shot, if he is granted a shot! The beautiful Babe, not just a manager although she is an excellent one, not just a valet, the Psycho Babe can wrestle, she has plans to add more gold to the alliance's vault in the shape of the BWWF title, sooo talented, sooooo psychoooooo!
DESIRE: That's it for this edition, thanks to the Oriental Alliance for some of their most valuable time, until next time this is Jason Desire saying stay on top of things... especially if that things called Miss Vamp!

Return to DESIRE NET homepage