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"I hate this place! I hate it!" Of course nobody was listening, and I was talking to the wall. That was a pretty standard state of affairs around here. Akane was off being the Suzaku no Miko, which was apparently the only chance I had of getting out of here, and Tamahome, who for that first few days had made it all worthwhile, was with Nuriko.
It had taken me almost two days to track down Akane. I had told her the same thing I was still telling the wall:
"I hate this."
And Akane had looked at me calmly, if a little perplexed, and asked, "What do you want me to do?"
She was as helpless to grant my real wish as I was. "I just...I don't know, really. But I really want to go home." There. I said it, plainly, and let all the miserable loneliness out in my voice.
"I know. I don't know how." That, I think, was when I saw how tired she really was. As lonely as I was, I didn't envy her the job she'd been stuck with. "I think," she continued," that we just have to summon Suzaku. Then I'll have the power to send you home."
There was only one part of that that really surpised me. "Just me? What about you? Don't you want to go back?"
Her smile was very tired, and a little sad. "Why would I?" The question was so quiet I don't think it was really meant for me. "No...no, I don't expect that I'll be going back. But we won't know til we get that far, will we?"
When she left, I was thinking too hard to remember to complain about my other problem....
Nuriko.
There was no way to put it delicately, the girl was mean. I really had tried to make friends, but it seemed like she was willing to get along with everybody in the palace except me. Of course she was always polite to the Emperor, and she doted on Akane. And Tamahome...the way she acted with Tamahome was enough to make me sick. It was almost as if she knew I liked him.
"She's always hanging on him," I complained to the wall. By this time Tamahome, like everyone else, had forgotten I even existed. Oh, I knew the rest of them were busy, but all he was doing was gallavanting around the city...
With Nuriko.
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Nuriko:
I was staring out at the lake when the little brat found me. Victim yet again to one of her pitiful attempts to make friends--she was disrupting thoughts that were already turning bitter.
It was a release to tormenet Miaka, but somewhere in my heart I knew that it was wrong, that she didn't deserve it--and I was ashamed. It didn't help that I knew Tamahome wasn't really interested, and yet was so close to discovering the truth; that Akane managed to get me so close to telling her everything; and that in spite of all that, the Emperor still barely knew who I was. I was confused, bitter, and lonely, and I took it out on the one person in all Konan who had no-one to turn to.
I was horrible.
But I kept doing it.
"I thought I'd come see if there was something you needed help with, Nuriko-san," she said. Suzaku help me, she was. She was trying to be nice again.
And even though I'd just been feeling ashamed of myself for just this, I felt that blind, nameless rage wash over me again.
"Actually, yes, since you offered...." My voice was colder than I'd known I could make it. "This floor is a bit dirty, and all the maids have gone to bed." Let's see how she took that!
"Hai." She was really going to do it--she had a rag in her hand, and she knelt down in that ridiculous short skirt of hers to scrub the floor.
I, being horrible, managed to knock over three sconces full of incense ash before she noticed.
She shrieked, "What are you doing?"
I slammed my fist down on a table, and it shattered. By now the floor really was a mess, but I was past caring. I advanced on Miaka, stalking toward her.
"I'm trying to get rid of you!" I was almost screaming, and m voice rose shriller with every word. "I hate you! You rotten, pathetic little tagalong! You're completely useless, and still the Miko and the Emperor think it's so important to take care of y--"
"ENOUGH."
My tirade ceased abruptly. Miaka lay on the floor, frozen and whimpering, her eyes wide. And from behind me strode Akane, her dark eyes blazing, anger crackling in her voice.
"Miaka. Are you all right?" Even that question did not ease my Miko's voice.
Miaka nodded as she scrambled to her feet. "Hai."
"Nuriko. Walk with me." It was not a request. I followed her down into the garden, leaving a shaken Miaka behind.
**************************
"Nuriko," Akane said finally, when the laughter of a miniature waterfall would hide our conversation. "You don't really hate Miaka, you know you can't get rid of her because she has no choice but to be here, and you don't really love Tamahome. There's some other reason why you do this-what is it?"
"I'm sorry--I am." I struggled to find something to say, and while I was searching, my tongue cut off communication with my brain and blurted, "I know it's awful! I'm jealous of her--and I keep telling myself I shouldn't take it out on her--"
"Jealous?" Akane repeated, mystified. "Whatever for?"
I had goen this far--why stop now? "The Emperor," I answered, though I could feel how petty I sounded. "You both worry about her--and he still doesn't even know who I am! Akane-sama, it's not fair!" I tried to muffle the sob that escaped, but I knew she heard it.
"Oh...." It was the sound of new realisation dawning. Akane toyed with the hem of her sleeves, just thinking. "I didn't know, Nuriko...." Of course not, how could she have? "...And I think you underestimate both yourself and him. But if you--do you want me to make a suggestion to him for you?"
And then whatever had been holding me back so long broke. "It wouldn't do any good anyway," I murmured. My eyes were so full of tears I could barely see, but I didn't want to watch her face anyway--not when I tugged the ribbon that closed my gown, and let it fall to my waist.
Still, I could hear Akane's long breath. "You really are full of surprises, aren't you?"
I blinked away the moisture that filled my eyes and managed a small smile. "That's one way of putting it."
She reached for my gown, and settled it up on my shoulders again. "I won't ask why you dress like a woman," she was saying quietly. "At least not tonight. But I will ask you to stop tormenting Miaka. And...have a care for Tamahome, please, Nuriko-kun? I'm not sure he's ready for what your...secret might likely do to him."
"I guess not." I sniffled, and it turned into a laugh. "They make a better couple together, anyway. I should concentrate on that...and on Hotohori-sama...."
Akane just gave me a wry, sour look, then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Her own kind of delicate exit. "I'm going to bed before you spring anything else on me. Oyasumi, Nuriko."
She disappeared down the path, and I turned back toward my room. I had one more thing to do: find Miaka and apologise. I'd worry about the rest in the morning.
On to Chapter 8
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