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spoilers for ep. 46
for Laurelgand

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I wanted to be like him. All I could think was that it should have been me, that I would have given my tainted life for his in a heartbeat had the choice been offered.

But of course it wasn't. It never is. Death takes whom it will, and even the most powerful among us can not stay its course for long.

He was so pure...so peaceful. He had in his heart what I had studied and tried so hard to attain. We had both lost so much; we had lost that which we loved, but only I found it so easy to destroy.

I wasn't there when he finally said good-bye to her. The others had told me of it, and so I could only envision his strength, his face, contorted into pain, Suzaku's light enveloping him as he made his peace with her and released her from her half-life, and from his heart.

I think I only imagined it to punish myself.

I begged him not to. He was my strength, too, my anchor in the storm, the way I was strong for the others. I didn't know if I could go on without him, comforting them, fighting for them--not when our powers were gone and our people were dying all around us. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to be wrapped in bandages while he ministered to them, while I offered last rites to those too far gone for him to help and kept fetching cabbages for the soup. We were the Suzaku no Sichiseishi! We were supposed to save our country, not die in losing it!

But I knew. As soon as I heard the cry of "Shouka!", saw his head turn, saw tears spring to his eyes, I knew what he would do. I tried to stop him--I clung to his chest as I had not clung to anyone in as long as I could remember, and begged him to stay with me, but he only smiled at me sadly and pushed me away.

I remember how he bent over her, dipping his fingers into the holy water Taittsu-kun had given him, how he had kissed the baby's forehead and then lifted his face to the sky. I was the only one that heard when he whispered:

"Shouka...give me your strength."

As if he didn't have enough strength for all of us.

Light was everywhere, streaking the air, falling from the sky, all emanating from the centre of his heart. I thought I was blind, and maybe I was, because all I saw was shadows--the silhouette of his body collapsing to the ground, crumpling in a broken heap at my feet.

I am sorry, Mitsukake. I wanted to be like you. I should have--I would have--died for you. But now I can never emulate you. I am too far gone for that. I know I will dishonour your memory, because I will destroy again.

But not here, and not now.

They stood--all the wounded ones he had been caring for. They readied their weapons, and I felt rage, an overwhelming fury I had not let into my heart since long ago, when it had undone me. But now it was blazing again; tears and the fading remnants of his life's green light clouded my vision, and I felt a scream tear from my throat.

"SILENCE! YOU WILL NOT FIGHT HERE!" I had tried to forget I was capable of such anger, but now all my effort was lost. "HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR YOU! LEAVE THIS PLACE AT ONCE, ALL OF YOU! NOW!"

That's right. Go. Leave me to my grief, to my fallen comrade, and my broken soul.

I wanted so much to be like him.

~Owari~