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Barret stood smiling in his 'I LOVE MIDGAR' T-shirt and a small red french barret that barely covered his flat-toped haircut "You ready whitey?"
Cloud, gave Barret a grim glance before giving him the thumbs up and returned to the camera.
"OKAY..QUIET ON THE SET YA BUNCH OF CRACKERS AND LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! 5..4.....3...2.."
A light piano theme filled the room as the lights turned on and shone off Elena's face. Her pink apron sported a large picture of Cloud and Tifa hugging with her face superimposed over Tifa's. "Hello everyone! And welcome to 'Cooking with the Turks!' *Cloud..call me*. Today we'll be cooking a delicious Grilled cheese Sandwich and chocolate pudding with the help of my faithful assistants Reno and Rude!"
Reno and Rude stood on stage with their arms crossed, each wearing a pink apron with Rufus's picture on it over their Dark Blue suits. Elena became slightly distracted when a small wirey stage hand ran on stage and began to whisper in Elena's ear. Her eyes narrowed but quickly began to glitter like a small kids the first time they got to sit in on 'Storytime with Sephiroth.'
"OKAY EVERYONE!" Her voice sounding chipper as ever. "Apparently, we got several letters complaining about my bosses' language on last show, so our director has devised a clever plan on breaking Reno's bad habit right before our very eyes! Allow me to demonstrate."
Elena gingerly turned around and kicked Reno in the shin.
"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL DIDJA DO THAT FOR?!"
Elena smiled. "Rude."
Rude scratched his ear before casually smacking Reno on the side of the head, sending him tripping several feet.
Regaining his balance Reno wheeled around. "DAMMI-"
*SMACK*
"AHHH!"
Smiling triumphantly, Elena turned back to the camera. "And that's pretty much the jist of it! Now Reno dear, would you like to hand me the spatula?"
*grumble grumble* "I'LL GIVE YA A SPATULA ALRIGHT!"
Rude smiled and grabbed Reno by the collar as he strained towards Elena, a huge red vein popping out of his forehead.
"Never mind then, I'll get it myself! Okay now first, to make a Nibleheim Grilled Cheese Sandwich, you need two slices of bread, some good rocket cheese and a high powered Electro Rod."
"TO HELL YOU D-"
*SMACK*
"OUCH! ...yes ma'am.."
Grudgingly handing over his electrorod, Reno stepped back and cringed as he watched Elena continue her experiment.
Elena regained her large Cheshire cat smile and quickly cut a large brick of rocket cheese into slices with Ultima Weapon, the sound of grinding teeth flowed out from behind the camera with every slice. "OKAY! Now that we have the cheese sliced and our white bread all ready all we have to do is add 'em together and give em a big 'ol ZAP! ...would you like to do the honors since you've been such a big help today Reno?"
"But..I don't want cheese on my electro rod....."
Elena smiled. "Oh don't be such a wuss you! Here we go, a la grilled cheese sandwiches!"
Touching the Rod to the moist sandwich, a small flicker of smoke rose up before it went off like a large cheesy timebomb. Cameras flickerd and thick black smoke filled the small studio. After several minutes, the smoke cleared to reveal three blackened Turks standing behind a counter, soot covering every inch of their bodies.
"Maybe we shoud have put in..less..cheese?"
Reno lunged forward for Elenas throat. "I'LL GIVE YOU CHEESE!"
For several minutes, a screen with a picture of WEAPON stomping Midgar appeared on viewer's screens with "Sorry, we're haveing some technical difficulties, please stand by" scrolling across the bottom of the screen as screams and the sound of large metal objects being thrown around filtered through the numerous censor bleeps. Almost half an hour later, the screen lifted to a shot of Elena crouched under a counter with pudding ingredients. Her apron was torn to sheds and she clutched a small chunk of Renos hair in her left hand.
"I have to be real quiet..I don't want Reno to find me..OKAY! For good 'ol fashioned Chocobo Chocolate Pudding you just need some Chocobo Chocolate, some Geletin and just a splash of fine Turk Whiske-"
"WHISKEY! YOU WERE GONNA SAY WHISKEY WEREN'T YOU?!" Reno stuck his head under the table. "I can sense a bottle of that stuff from a mile away, give it up woman! I can uh...test it for freshness."
"Well, okay Reno..if you promise to be good..go and get a cup."
No sooner had Elena had finished her sentence that Reno slammed a designer shot glass down on the table.
"Um Reno...where exactly did you get that?"
"Get what?"
"Nevermind..."
Elena carefully poured a splash into the shotglass and stood back quite proud of her work while Reno took one look at the glass...one look at Rude..then grabbed the bottle out of her hands and made a break for the door.
"Yoink!"
Elena looked down at her shoes and then up to Rude and nodded. Rude for the first time in the show smiled and pulled on a small bungie that was attached to Reno's belt. The elastic stretched out and then slowly began to recoil as Reno flew back across the room and crashed into the far wall, still clutching his precious bottle.
"Wow....couldn't you have just chased him down or something?"
Rude smiled and replied in a gruff voice, "Naw..I've been waiting for years to do that."
Small grunts and groans were heard amongst the small pile of rubble that had accumulated on the floor. With a small *Eep* and fear for her job, Elena ran over and unburied the battered Reno.
With a half unconcious look in his eyes, Reno looked deep into Elena's eyes. "Ducks don't have thumbs."
"Huh??"
"You know..there are lots of things you can eat that aren't food!"
Elena looked at Reno, then back to the cameras. "Um..I uh think we should get Reno to a hospital to check for a concussion..so that's all the time we have for today folks! Make sure to tune in next week to "Cookin' with the Turks" where our special guest Star Ruby weapon will show us how to make some good Old Fashioned Golden Saucer Hashbrowns! Until then it's been uh.... expensive!"
"Happy feet!"
"Thats very nice Reno."
