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Rufus, Reeve and the Turks belong to Square. I'm just borrowing them to do horribly cruel things to their minds. Fred is mine. No, you can't have him, not even to shoot.
Nose Cola Alert: as in don't drink anything while you're reading this.
YAOI implications.
Tseng was dead.
Reno still couldn't believe it. Tseng was dead. His leader, his friend. The only guy he'd call Sir without that little extra in his voice that turned it into an insult - or sexual innuendo, depending on how cute the other person was.
Depressed beyond belief, Reno trudged off the elevator onto the 53rd floor and down the corridor, so down that he barely had it in him to goose a secretary as he passed. She shrieked and hit him with the files she was carrying, but it didn't have its usual thrill. Rufus ShinRa had summoned all the Turks to his office for some kind of meeting, one they weren't allowed to bring weapons to. Shuffling to the door, he stopped and sighed, bracing himself the meet with his boss. Grabbing a flask of whisky out of his rumpled jacket, he took a deep pull and put it back. Fully braced now, he went inside.
"You're ten minutes late," Rufus ShinRa informed him coolly.
"I am?" Reno looked at his watch. "Damn. I'll be back in another twenty."
"Get back here!" Rufus yelled. He was a young man, no older than his employee, with bright blonde hair that reminded Reno of a Day-Glo highlighter. He wore a pinstripe suit that tried to make him look like his shoulders were broad, but only succeeded in making his head look like a pomegranate. It was about the same colour as one too, Reno noted.
"I swear!" Rufus snapped. "If I weren't already short one Turk, I'd shoot you!"
Instantly, the sound of bawling filled the room.
"Aw, for god's sake, Elena, shut the hell up!"
Startled, Reno looked over at the corner. Sitting on the couch, dressed in a blue suit that matched his but was actually ironed, was a woman with short blonde hair. Short, bobbed blonde hair, like a blonde pool ball. Reno did his traditional shudder and looked away as she blew her nose on a damp hanky. On the other side of the room was the last of the three surviving Turks. Rude was taller than he was and broader, standing impassively in his blue suit with his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. He looked completely unaffected by what had happened, though he winced slightly as Elena's wails reached new levels in loud.
"Oh, Tseng!" she cried.
"Shut up!" Rufus screamed. Elena dropped down to basic sniffling and he let go of the edge of his desk, the wood creaking as he released it from the near-breaking pressure. "Now," he said, visibly calming himself down. "Since Tseng died-" Elena started blubbering again. "SHUT UP! Since Tseng died, the three of you have been fucking useless! He pointed at Elena. You've been a whiny cry-baby." He frowned. "Actually, you've always been a whiny cry-baby." She glared and he turned to Reno. "YOU have become a no account drunk- never mind…" Reno grinned. "And Rude has-! Okay, Rude isn't any different than he ever was."
"Great. We're still losers. Meeting's over." Reno started for the door.
"FREEZE!"
Reno looked back at him over his shoulder. "What is it, man? It's nearly happy hour at the docks!" He hesitated. "I mean I have some paperwork I need to do. Sir."
Rufus gave him a glare that would have been terrifying if he didn't have acne. "You three morons are going in for grief counselling."
"What??"
"But it's happy hour-"
"Am I getting paid for this?"
"No arguments!" Rufus shrieked. "I sign the checks, I decide who lives and dies and I make the decisions!"
"Oh, if you put it that way…"
"Tin pot dictato- I mean yes, sir!"
"I better be getting paid for this…"
Rufus took a deep breath, the vein on his forehead throbbing. "Now, the three of you are going to shut up, Elena is going to get rid of her hanky. Reno is going to tuck his shirt in for once in his goddamned life and comb that rats nest he calls hair, and Rude is going to… be himself." He straightened up, arms crossing. "In room 5464 is a doctor. A psychiatrist. He is going to talk to you about your fucking grief and I'm not going to hear another word about it. Is that clear?"
"Who is this doctor?" Reno asked.
Rufus looked upwards, mouth working in a silent prayer for patience. "Don't worry about it. Professor Hojo recommended him very highly."
"This is supposed to reassure us?"
"GET OUT!" Rufus screamed.
Shrugging, Reno turned and slouched out of the room, followed by Elena and Rude. Behind them, Rufus gasped for breath, watching them go, then sat down and reached into his desk drawer. Taking out a pink bottle he took a healthy swallow.
"Goddamn Turks…" he muttered, then phoned the med centre to book another appointment to get his ulcers checked.
Room 5464 was a conference room with windows looking out onto the corridor, covered with curtains. The three Turks paused before the door, their reflections showing in the glass. Elena with her even damper hanky, Rude with a bored expression and ever present sunglasses, and Reno in a suit that had been slept in and long red hair pulled back into a messy tail.
"Do we want to go in there?" Rude asked at last.
Elena dabbed at her eyes. "Well, we did promise we would."
"No we didn't," Reno groused. "We just got yelled at and told to show up."
They kept staring at the door.
"Are we going to go in there?" Rude asked a few minutes later.
"Not me," Reno muttered. "Last time I went first that Cloud kid just about shoved that friggin' sword of his right up my-"
"I'll go," Elena interrupted. "I'll just find out what the doctor's like. Then you guys can come in."
She walked to the door, opened it and went in, closing it behind her.
Reno and Rude stared at the door. "You feel as much like a wuss as I do?" Reno asked.
"Yup."
"Glad I'm not the only one."
They kept staring at the door.
"Guys!" Elena opened the door and leaned out. "Come on in, the doctor is sweet."
"This is supposed to reassure us?" Reno muttered as he wandered in, Rude trailing behind.
The conference room was long and rectangular, a table with chairs around it in the centre, windows overlooking the city of Midgar on the wall opposite the one with the corridor windows. A coffee maker and a small tray with donuts sat on the table, along with a box holding something that looked to be foam. A skinny man in a white lab coat and glasses beamed at them, hands clasping under his chin.
"Oh, at LAST! I was getting so WORRIED!"
Reno and Rude hesitated, eyeing him. "He almost looks like Hojo," Rude muttered.
"Yeah," Reno whispered back. "Only scarier."
The man scurried forward. "Welcome, welcome! My name is Doctor Fred Woo Hakase, but you can call me Fred." He shook Reno's hand vigorously. "It's so WONDERFUL to finally meet you, Rude!"
"Um, doc, I'm not-"
Fred spun on Rude. "Reno! You're just like Mr ShinRa described you! Don't worry, we'll get right to talking about that drinking problem of yours in a minute."
"But I'M Reno!"
Fred turned to Reno, his eyes sad. "Oh, how sad it is to see a conflict of personality in one so young. Come, have a donut!"
To Reno's surprise, he found himself holding a honey glazed donut while Fred hurried around the room, yammering on how therapy was healthy and they would all be happy and content with themselves once they were done. Elena sat in a corner sniffling and eyeing him a little warily. Reno looked at Rude. "Run?"
"Sounds good to me."
They both bolted for the door. It was locked.
"Shit!" Reno cursed.
"Rude!" Fred gasped. "Swearing is UNHEALTHY!"
Rude raised an eyebrow above the level of the glasses. "Why do I think we're in deep trouble?"
"Because you're a wise man," Reno muttered, still yanking on the door and wishing he'd brought his weapons. Typical of Rufus to order them to show up unarmed. He'd get the pubescent little prick for this.
Fred had pulled four chairs into a circle. "Come, come! Sit!" His eyes filled with tears. "It's time to talk about Tsung."
"Tseng," Elena corrected and immediately started bawling again.
"Have a tissue, dear." Fred dug a Kleenex box out of the big box on the table and handed it to her.
"Thank you," she mumbled, taking it and sitting down.
Reluctantly, Reno and Rude joined her, sitting down warily on either side of her since Fred had taken the only other chair, beaming at them all even as he wiped a tear away, then folded his hands in his lap.
"Now, Mr ShinRa tells me that you're a close nit group, correct?"
"Absolutely."
"Sure."
"Whatever."
Fred sighed happily. "How wonderful." His face fell again. "But I also understand that you've all gone through a deep personal loss recently." Elena started blubbering again while Reno felt a tightness in his throat and Rude looked down. "Dare I say it? The death of your leader Tongue."
"Tseng!" Reno shouted.
"Now, Rude, wait your turn. It isn't polite to interrupt."
Reno leaned back, fuming. Elena patted his shoulder for a moment and he fought to relax. He wasn't going to let this idiot get to him. Grief counselling was a good thing. They could use it. None of them had been there when Tseng died and all of them felt guilty for it. He'd been everything to each of them.
Fred sighed again. He sounded like a wheezy kettle. "Now, from what I understand, Ting-Ting died at a place called the Temple of Ancients, when a horrible unhealthy man stabbed him over and over and over, making him bleed and scream and cry again and again for someone to help him. For ANYone to come to his rescue and save him from such a horrible fate. But none of you came! None of you were there for him in his hour of need!"
Elena howled, sobbing madly. Rude grabbed one of her tissues while Reno felt sick. Eyes wide with horror, he stared at Fred.
"How sad. How terribly, terribly sad to have failed a man you care for so." Fred wiped away a tear. "Well, let's all see the good side!"
"G-good side?" Elena sniffled. She was halfway through the box of kleenex already.
"Of course!" Fred cheered. "It's brought all of you closer together!"
"R-really?"
"Like hell."
"Are you stupid? You're stupid, aren't you?"
Fred leaped up. "Let's all turn our frowns upside down, because death is a HAPPY thing! It gives one a chance to see ones own worth as a living person! To hear the joy of the will! To wear very slimming black. I hate to say it, but blue doesn't suit any of you. Especially you with the pink hair, Rude."
"My hair isn't pink!" Reno yelled, still reeling from the 'death is a happy thing' bit. "And I'm Reno!"
"Rude Rude Rude," Fred mourned, kneeling before him with his hands on the Turk's shoulders. "Don't resist your own identity. "This brashness, the toupee, it's not you at all. You know that?"
Toupee? Reno thought. "This is my real hair!"
"Oh, Rude, don't deny it. It's not HEALTHY to lie to yourself. You're bald as a cueball, aren't you?"
For the first time since he'd known him, Rude sniggered. Reno glared at him. "Great, NOW you decide to get a sense of humour."
Fred spun on the other Turk. "Now, Reno. Laughing at your team-mate just shows your inadequacies. That's why you drink, isn't it?" Rude blinked. "Admit it, you think you're inferior to the others, don't you? Are you impotent? Feel free to share."
"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE!" Reno yelled.
"Not now, Rude."
"Um, do you know you're getting the two of them mixed up?" Elena ventured uncertainly.
Fred stood up, sighing. "I see we have a lot of work to do, beyond helping you get by your grief for Tickle."
"TSENG, DAMNIT!"
Fred ignored him, pulling something out of the box. "I think we all need to address our grief directly." He pulled a tab on the object and there was a fizzing, inflating sound as it filled out. When it finished, Fred put it in his own chair. "Now, why don't we all pretend that this is dear departed Tinkle come back to listen to ALL your little problems."
"Uh, doc, do you know that that's an inflatable woman?"
"She's very, um, pointed, isn't she? Could I have some more Kleenex?"
"I used to date a woman who looked like that."
Fred stepped behind the doll, holding it up. "Hi," he squeaked in a falsetto voice. "It's me, Tsump, back to see you!"
Predictably, Elena started crying, grabbing tissues to wipe her eyes with. She was surrounded by a forest's worth of them already. Fred turned the doll to her. "Tell me what you think, Elena."
"I-I m-miss you!"
"Jesus, Elena!" Reno snapped. "It's just a damn doll."
The doll spun, smacking him across the face. "That's not healthy behaviour, Rude!"
"Shit, doc! You just about put my eye out!"
Fred looked at him sadly. "Now, if you cannot participate, Rude, you will have to wait outside, is that understood? It would be for your own good."
Reno grinned, sensing salvation. "Great! Can I go now?"
His face even sadder, Fred pointed to the window. "Then take a five minute time out. And don't feel that we don't love you anymore."
"Uh, doc, that's a window."
"Because we really do. So skip off and cool down, it's healthy!"
"Uh, doc, we're 54 floors up."
"Hurry up now, or you might miss the donut break!"
"Yeah?" Reno sneered. "How ya gonna make me, you skinny freak? Hit me with your damn doll again?"
Fred was awfully fast with a needle.
"Now, Reno, why don't you tell me how YOU feel about my being all dead and rotting?" the doll squeaked.
Rude looked at the window dubiously. Reno was outside on the ledge, drunkenly strolling along, spinning on one leg to turn around with his arms pin wheeling, singing loudly all the while. "He's going to fall," he noted, wondering precisely what was in that needle Fred used, and how to avoid getting one himself.
"Rude is just expressing himself in a safe environment while allowing the rest of us to get on with this wonderful therapy," Fred assured him. "Now, focus! Dead people! Think about dead people!"
Rude resisted the urge to rub his throbbing temples. "I don't think the ledge outside of the 54th floor of an office building is a 'safe environment', doc."
"But of COURSE it is!" Fred insisted. "Just LOOK at that VIEW!"
"Woohoo!" Reno shouted outside, arms spread. "I can fly!"
Rude bolted for the window, half diving through it himself as he grabbed for Reno's leg, barely catching it as the redhead pitched off the ledge face first.
Fred sighed. "Well, if Reno is going to just run off like that, I guess we'll have to focus on YOU, Elena dear."
Elena blinked.
A frown on his face, Rufus glared across his desk at Reeve. The other man shifted uncomfortably, trying not to sweat.
Rufus' frown deepened. "I'm not sure your attitude is correct for this company, Reeve," he said slowly. "You seem to have a very unhealthy belief that 'people' matter."
Reno swung upside down past the picture window.
Reeve stammered, sticking a finger in his shirt collar and pulling to loosen the constriction of his tie. "Sir, I can assure you, these rumours are completely inaccurate. I'd never do anything to betray ShinRa."
Reno swung past in the other direction, waving.
Rufus leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled before him. "Go on, convince me." He wasn't sure Reeve was doing anything against company interests; in fact he didn't have any proof whatsoever, but his gut told him there was something annoyingly 'wholesome' about this man. His father had trusted him, but Rufus wasn't his father.
"I've always worked loyally for ShinRa, ever since I first started here. I've worked up through the ranks and profits are up in my section more than…" His voice trailed off as he watched Reno swing by the window, scrabbling at the glass and yelling something unintelligible. Rufus followed his gaze and gaped at the Turk, mouth open.
Reeve threw himself to his knees before the desk, hands clasped. "PLEASE, SIR! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SELL OUT SHINRA AND PRETEND I WAS A MECHANICAL CAT OR HELP AVALANCHE OR ANYTHING! PLEEEASE DON'T HANG ME OUTSIDE LIKE HIM! I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!"
Rufus didn't hear him. He was already out the door.
Cursing repeatedly, Rufus ShinRa ran up the stairs, too pissed off to use the elevator the one floor needed. What the HELL did that Turk think he was doing? He'd seen Reno do some pretty stupid things before, but that had to be the topper. If he fell, the company would be terribly embarrassed. 'Top Turk does nose-dive off office building'. The news would eat it up.
Still cursing, he banged through the doorway and into the crowded hallway. It looked like half the company was jammed into the corridor in front of the conference room, where the curtains on the windows to the hall were wide and the glass slid open. Threats of pink slips got Rufus through the press of men and women until he could reach the door and see what they were all hooting at.
Reno was back in the conference room and doing a strip tease on the table.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??"
Reno grinned at him, his eyes sparkling with a strange sort of glaze. He had his coat off and as Rufus gaped, stripped off his shirt as well, swung it over his head as the watching women and not a few of the men cheered, then flung it out into the audience.
Infuriated to where he thought his head was going to explode, Rufus turned his attention to the rest of the room and just about swallowed his own tongue in shock. Elena was sitting in the lap of an inflatable woman with the largest breasts Rufus had ever seen, stroking her cheek and sighing happily. "Oh, Tseng!' she babbled happily. Rude was only a few feet away, having abandoned any pretence of stoicism or control as he throttled a skinny man in a lab coat who looked unnaturally like Hojo.
"Wait!" the man gasped. "Reno! (wheeze) This is very (choke) unhealthy!"
"Diediediediediediedie-" Rude told him, squeezing tighter with a crazed leer on his face.
Rufus saw the reputation of the Turks going straight down the toilet. "STOP IT!" he shrieked. "I forbid this!" They all ignored him and his blood pressure shot up even higher. "I am Rufus ShinRa and I will NOT see such behaviour in my company! I will be treated with respect!"
Half a second later, Reno's pants wrapped around his face and the crowd cheered.
Rufus tore them off. "THAT'S IT!" He pointed at Rude. "LET GO OF HIM NOW!"
Reluctantly, Rude let go. The doctor wheezed a moment longer, then beamed. "How wonderful! What a healthy chance for everyone to admit publicly to any secrets they've been hiding. Elena! Do you have anything you'd like to finally get off your chest for everyone? Feel free to let it all out."
Elena cradled her doll. "Tseng and I are getting married."
"Wonderful! Reno?"
Rufus was too busy trying to adapt to that pronouncement to realize that it was Rude who answered to the name Reno.
"I want to kill everything and everyone, and see the world as an airless, lifeless rock."
"Wonderful! Rude?"
"I've slept with everybody in this room except for one." Reno launched his underwear somewhere into a corner as everyone gaped at him in shock, except for Fred.
"Wonderful, Rude! And to think your file said you didn't interact well with others!"
"Reno!" Rude bellowed. "You told me I was the only one!"
"And me!" Elena cried, though she didn't relinquish her hold on the doll. A few of the people muttered in agreement with the two of them but Reno just grinned, doing the limbo under an invisible pole.
"I don't believe this," Rude muttered. "Two timing little wh-" His voice dropped off and he abruptly turned to glare at Rufus. "He said everybody but ONE," he growled.
Realizing everyone was staring at him, Rufus went red. "Um… he must have slept with the doctor?"
"Uh uh. Ain't had the private therapy sessions yet."
So much for reputation. "THAT"S IT! EVERYBODY'S FIRED!"
Everyone started complaining about that except for Elena, who was too involved with her doll; Reno, who was busy propositioning the tall potted plant in the corner and Rude, who got a truly psychotic look on his face and started cracking his knuckles as he eyed Rufus.
"Um, okay, everyone but Rude's fired."
Reno looked up. "I'm not? Cool…"
Fred looked at Rufus, his eyes filling with tears. "Oh, how sad! What personal inadequacies are you trying to hide behind your need for control?"
"He thinks he ain't as good as his daddy!" Reno yelled.
"Shut up!" Rufus yelled, going red again.
"It's true too. He's not HALF as good a lay…"
"I SAID SHUT UP!"
Fred put his hand on Rufus' shoulder. "Oh, Mister ShinRa, I'm here to help you. CONFIDE in me! It's HEALTHY!"
Rufus jerked away from him. "Are you insane? After what you did to my Turks? They're useless to me now!" A sudden thought occurred to him. "Hey, I don't need them." He yanked a sheet of folded paper out of his inside jacket pocket. "Here, these are the last known coordinates of AVALANCHE. They really need your help."
Fred took the paper, looking at him worriedly. "They do?"
"Oh yeah," Rufus lied. "Their leader keeps sticking his finger in light sockets. You can tell every time you see his hair. They all think this dog they've got talks and one of them even believes he's a vampire. They're seriously disturbed, every last one of them."
Fred's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, how horrible! I have to go to them immediately."
"Heli-pad's on the roof. Just try not to talk to the pilot. I may need him later."
Fred scurried off, taking his box with him.
"When you come back, I'll tell you about someone named Sephiroth!" Rufus yelled. "He's got a major mommy complex. You'd like him." He turned to glare at the three Turks. "I hate you all."
"Does this mean Thursday's off?" Reno asked.
Rufus just sighed and went back to his office.
Reno woke up lying on something hard and uncomfortable, feeling a draft.
"Mmwa?" he mumbled, lifting his head. The conference room was dark, his clothes scattered everywhere, Rude sitting in a chair under the window. There was no sign of anyone else.
"What happened?" he slurred and looked down at himself. "And why am I naked?"
"The doctor drugged you and you did a strip tease on the table," Rude told him in his usual bland voice. "Elena ran off with the inflatable doll. Fred is after AVALANCHE. Rufus fired everybody else."
"What, again? That's the third time this week." Reno sat up gingerly, feeling like he had a hangover and sniggered. "Elena with the doll, eh? Wish I could remember that. Guess Fred turned her little brain into a pretzel. Glad to see you're still normal though."
"Yessss…" Rude hissed and took off his sunglasses. His eyes seemed to be… glowing. "How about you and I have a little talk about fidelity, hm?"
Reno blinked, suddenly nervous as Rude stood up. "Uh, hey man, what are you talking about? I'm always, um, that is- uh oh."
He barely beat Rude in a sprint out the door.
Note: Fred has no relation to Professor Hojo. It just occurred to me while I was writing this that they look an awful lot alike. I leave it up to all of you which of the two you'd least like to run into.
