[We now see Red XIII sitting (yes, sitting) in a chair, with a pipe in his mouth, bubbles coming out of it. He's dressed in what the stereotypical high class Englishman would be wearing. Use your own sick imagination here.]

Red XIII: I would like, ah, if I may, ...to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Cloud Strife and his fiancee Tifa Lockheart, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Midgar that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Cid Highwind, ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them.

[Red glances through a book, with each character's statements. Slowly turning the page, but only letting each page being seen for a second.]

Red XIII: It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were riding. It's true, also, that the Chocobo that they were riding was a class E and was quickly running out of energy, but, uh, they being normal kids and, on a night out... well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they?

[Red closes the book and gets right in front of the camera for dramatic effect]

Red XIII: On a night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time.

[Tifa and Cloud are ridding a Chocobo through the country side, heading towards Rocket Town (yes, an E Chocobo can't cross water, but oh WELL). It's raining hard. Suddenly a Helicopter flies by the two, very low to the ground. Insert humorous scene of Cloud trying to dodge the helicopter here.]

Tifa: *turns and watches the helicopter pass* DAMN! That's the third helicopter that's passed us. They sure don't care about their lives, what with the weather and all.

Cloud: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.

Tifa: *blinks* What are you talking about Cloud?

Cloud: *shrugs* I'm just following the script.

Tifa: *rolls eyes* You need to act more in character Cloud! This needs to be believable! *clears throat* That's the THIRD helicopter that's passed us. They sure don't care about their lives, what with the weather and all.

Cloud: .....

Tifa: *glare* Now your just mocking me.

[The two stop at a ever-so-convenient "Dead End" sign. Yes, this is the open country, but we had to stop these two love birds somehow o_O (Cloud: Love Birds? ... The hell...)]

Tifa: *looks over Cloud's shoulder* ...What's the matter, Cloud?

Cloud: Hmmm.. we must have taken the wrong turn a few miles back.

Tifa: Oh, but where did that helicopter come from?

Cloud: Gee, I dunno Tifa, the sky?

Tifa: ......

Cloud: Hmmm... well I guess we're turning back.

[The Chocobo has now run out of energy. He's slouching over, his head bent and refuses to move.]

Tifa: Ack! What's wrong with the Chocobo?!

Cloud: He must be out of energy! DAMMIT! I knew I should have taken the buggy!

Tifa: *rolls her eyes at Cloud's stupidity* What about the PHS?

Cloud: PHS? I KNEW I was forgetting something when we left!

Tifa: *TWACK*

Cloud: Well, you just stay here, where it's safe and I'll go for help.

Tifa: Where are you going to go? We're in the middle of the country!

Cloud: *thinks* Didn't we pass a mansion back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a PHS I could use.

Tifa: I'm coming with you.

Cloud: No Tifa, it's my mistake, I don't want to get you involved.

Tifa: Don't give me that crap Cloud, I'm coming with you! Besides, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful Ancient, and you might never come back again.

Cloud: *face goes pale as he laughs nervously* Heh, heh, heh, heh.

[The two approach Nibelheim. The town now has a gate, which is open, and has a sign on it that reads: "BEWARE OF EXPERIMENTS". Tifa and Cloud exchange nervous glances, but continue onward. Abandoned, the town is more run-down than anything, yet there's a building that still has light in it...]

Tifa:

In the Mako darkness, Of a freakish night, Burning bright, there's a guiding star. Yet it's not- made of materia.

[The ShinRa mansion can clearly be seen now, with thunder and lightning crashing behind it :D It just looks soooo inviting.]

Cloud & Tifa: There's a light...

Chorus: Over at that ShinRa Place.

Cloud & Tifa: There's a light...

Chorus: Brightly shining in space...

Cloud & Tifa: There's a light, light taking over, and making us follow it.

[Three helicopters fly by, again VERY low to the ground. Cloud and Tifa scramble away so they won't be cut into pieces. Pan up to the mansion attic where Reno is awaiting his solo. Think Reno with a Riff Raff twist. He has his Turk suit, but it's torn and faded. His hair is down, yet he's not balding like Riff Raff ^_^]

Reno:

The life-force must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow Mako slow, let the sun and light come streaming Turn into money. Turn into money...

Cloud & Tifa: There's a light...

Chorus: Over at that ShinRa Place.

Cloud & Tifa: There's a light...

Chorus:

Brightly shining in space. There's a light, a light

Cloud & Tifa: taking over, and making us follow it.

[Fade back to Red XIII, who is looking at a map displaying how FAR OFF Nibelheim is from Rocket Town]

Red XIII: And so, it seemed that the Ancients had smiled on Cloud and Tifa and that they had found the assistance that they required.

[Close up!]

Red XIII: *raises an eyebrow* ...Or had they?

[Fade out to Tifa and Cloud using a thunderbolt symbol o_O The two are relived to be out of the storm and at the door of the mansion. The whole place looks really creepy]

Tifa: Cloud! I take it back- I think it would have better to stay with the semi-dead Chocobo.

Cloud: It's too late to say that now. Just hang on, they might have a PHS.

Reno: *opens the door, speaking in a sadistically sexual voice* Hello.

Cloud: Hi! My name is Cloud Strife, and this is my fiancee, Tifa Lockheart. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our Chocobo tired out a few miles up the road... do you have a PHS we might use?

Reno: *flatly, yet observantly, he comments* You're wet.

Tifa: Yes - it's raining. (boy this dude's SCARY!)

Cloud: *impatiently* Yes.

Reno: Yes...

[THUNDERCRASH! The light from the lightning reveals a field of helicopters, all parked beside the mansion]

Reno: *grabs Tifa at the chest and pulls her in* I think perhaps you better both come inside.

Tifa: Ah! Get off of me!

[Cloud follows the two in with a sweatdrop on his forehead. Reno releases Tifa so he can shut the door as she and Cloud walk on. The mansion looks basically how it does in the game. I never really noticed on how much the ShinRa mansion was like the castle in RHPS until I played through that part in the game again. The only change is there is an elevator that goes to a lab that does not exist in the game. Other than that... tis the same]

Tifa: Oh Cloud, this is scary! What kind of a place is this?

Cloud: I dunno, looks like the average ShinRa party to me.

Tifa: *eyes Cloud* Right....

Reno: Follow me please.

Tifa: Is there a party or something going on?

Reno: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the President's affairs.

Tifa: Oh, lucky him.

[Aeris pops out of nowhere, laying on the stair banister. She's in the Magenta maid suit, but it's that damn ugly pink color, with the clashing red for a bow in the back]

Aeris: *speaks in a really sappy voice* You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all really lucky! *giggle giggle*

Reno:

It's astounding; Time is fleeting; Madness takes its toll. But listen closely...

Aeris: Not for very much longer.

Reno: I've got to find the spot.

[Reno begins to attempt to dance around just as Riff Raff had in the movie]

Reno:

I remember finding the Lifestream Looking for that damned place ShinRa would command me-

Reno & Aeris: And that voice was calling...

[In reference, the dance-room is filled with Turk dressed people. Elena, Rude, Reeve and Tseng are included. I couldn't give them parts, so might as well make them extras ^_^]

Turks:

Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

[Screen change to Red, who is trying his best to stand on his feet to give en example]

Red XIII: It's just a turn to the left.

[back to Turks]

Turks: And then a fight to the right.

[back to Red, who now has a Selphie UFO catcher doll, and is hugging it]

Red XIII: With your hands on your gal.

Turks:

You bring her in really tight. But it's the giant world map That really drives you insane. Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

[Aeris runs in front of Cloud and Tifa. Tifa looks more than slightly jealous, seeing as Aeris is trying to enchant Cloud]

Aeris:

It's so dreamy, oh Final Fantasy free me. Surrounded by the living? No, not at all. In another dimension, we gather and spread, Well secluded, I see all.

Reno: With a bit of a finger slip

Aeris: You're into the life flip.

Reno: And you'll never get your game back again.

Aeris: You've set your mind on the Promised Land,

Reno: *psychotically* But don't forget the black cloaked man!

Turks:

Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

[Yuffie's solo time. Sitting on top of the truck that the AVALANCHE members escaped from Midgar in. Her outfit is what she normally wears, but without the armor. Her top, now red, and covered in sequence. And of course she's got a cute top hat to match XD]

Yuffie:

Well I was walking in the trees just a-having a think When these people gave me the an evil wink. They took me up, made me an adventurer With magic up the wazoo I tricked them, an' took their materia- Time spent stressing, wishin' you never came.

Turks:

Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

Red XIII: It's just a turn to the left.

Turks: And then a fight to the right.

Red XIII: With your hands on your gal.

Turks:

You bring her in really tight. But it's the giant world map That really drives you insane. Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

[Tap dance ala Yuffie style. Just like in RHPS, she falls over at the end. Cloud and Tifa can't help but laugh, since they didn't like her anyway]

Turks:

Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

Red XIII: It's just a turn to the left.

Turks: And then a fight to the right.

Red XIII: With your hands on your gal.

Turks:

You bring her in really tight. But it's the giant world map That really drives you insane. Let's find the Lifestream again. Let's find the Lifestream again.

[As the music dies all the dancers fall over, including Reno, Aeris and Yuffie. Tifa and Cloud look around worried]

Tifa: Cloud, say something.

Cloud: Game Over.

Tifa: *rolls eyes* Baka. Come on, let's get out of here.

Cloud: Get a grip on yourself Tifa.

Tifa: But it... it seems so odd here.

Cloud: It's just a party, Tifa.

Tifa: Well - I don't want to party! Let's get the hell out of here!

Cloud: Well we can't go until I get to use the PHS.

Tifa: Well then ask that butler-thing or someone.

[As the two begin to bicker, they begin to back up to an elevator that is lowering. The Turks start to get up slowly and begin to giggle to themselves]

Cloud: Wait a second Tifa- we don't want to interfere with their- *thinks for a moment* party.

Tifa: This isn't a day at the Golden Saucer, Cloud.

Cloud: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more... foreign dancing.... yeah...

Tifa: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and you're trying to sound intelligent!

Cloud: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.

[Tifa finally notices the elevator is moving, as it's now at the ground level. She turns to see Rufus, with the black cloak surrounding him and very much like Frank-N-Furter was in RHPS, no heavy make-up thou. Rufus has SOME but not much.]

Tifa: *scream and faint*

Rufus:

How do you do, I See you've met my Loyal red-haired man. He's just a little let down Because, when you knocked He thought you were the pizza man.

[Cue Rufus to strut :D]

Rufus:

No need to fear me, just by the way I look. No need to befriend be, cuz I'm damn mean. I'm not a kind President by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

[Off with the cape and- Rufus in his white trench coat?]

All: .......

[Hikaru comes onto the set, holding a director's megaphone]

Hikaru: What the HELL are you doing Rufus?! You're ruining the scene!

Rufus: There is NO way! I am NOT wearing a teddy!

Hikaru: You HAVE to!

Rufus: NO!

Yuffie: *comes up behind Rufus and talks sheepishly* Please Rufus? For me?

Rufus: ........

[Off with the cape and- Rufus in a TEDDY! :D]

Rufus:

I'm not a sweet shachou From Bishounen, ShinRa. Pull up a holster, Maybe play at the Saucer. You look like you're both pretty adventurous. Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal, We could take in an old Super-NES game.

Cloud:

I'm glad we caught you at.. uh work... Could we use your PHS? We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Tifa: *tries to hold back laughter* Right.

Cloud:

We'll just call up our friends, And wait outside.

Elena: *shakes Rufus' hand* Pleasure to meet you President ShinRa

Cloud: We don't want to cause any worry.

Rufus:

Well your Chocobo went flat, well, *eyebrow raise* How 'bout that? Well, there's no need to panic. By the light of the Mako, you'll be glad to know. I'll get you a instant breeder. I'm not a sweet shachou From Bishounen, ShinRa.

[Rufus plants himself on the throne on top of the stage. Yuffie, Aeris and Reno follow and place themselves around the throne. Yuffie is particularly close to Rufus and watches his EVERY sexual move]

Rufus: Why don't you stay for the night?

Reno: Night.

Rufus: Or maybe a bite?

Yuffie: *licks her lips* Bite.

Rufus:

I could show you my newest obsession. I've got Hojo making a gourd With silver hair and a sword And he's good for giving me some......tension I'm not a sweet shachou From Bishounen, ShinRa *runs his hand through his hair* GOD DAMMIT!! I'm not a sweet shachou

Rufus, Yuffie, Reno, Aeris: Sweet shachou

Rufus: From Bishounen,

[Rufus hurriedly walks back to the elevator at this point, not wanting to prance around in his teddy for too long]

Yuffie, Reno, Aeris: ShinRa.. Ra-Ra

Rufus:

*faces Cloud and Tifa* So - come up to Hojo's lab, And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with pure----- fright. But maybe the rain Isn't really to blame. So I'll remove the cause. But not the symptom.

[Elevator goes up and Rufus leaves the scene. The Turks begin to head towards the lab as Aeris and Reno tend to Tifa and Cloud. Aeris undressing Cloud, Reno undressing Tifa, both enjoying it waaaaaay to much]

Tifa: Cloud!!

Cloud: It's all right Tifa, just play it cool for now, we'll whip all their asses later.

[As Aeris pulls down Cloud pants, Tifa blushes. Reno, currently trying to take off Tifa's top, decides to go no further, in fear of his life and his umm... privates..]

Yuffie: *grinning as she observes the whole fiasco* Oh, slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Cloud: Hi, I'm Cloud Strife, and this is my fiancee, Tifa Lockheart; ah.. you are...?

Yuffie: *searching their clothes for materia* You're very lucky to be invited up to Hojo's laboratory. Rufus only lets privileged people up there. *sexually pronouncing privileged*

Cloud: Have you seen it?

Yuffie: *blushes* And more- *she tosses Tifa and Cloud’s clothes on the floor*

Reno: *pushes Tifa and Cloud hurriedly into the elevator* Come along - the President doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Aeris: Shift it!

[Everyone blankly stares at Aeris, not believing she just yelled that]

Aeris: *timidly* Please?

[Everyone gets into the elevator. Reno, is pouring a glass of wine. He promptly throws the bottle on the ground. The group watches the bottle's spirit appear and flow into the Lifestream]

Cloud: *smiling and nods* Time well spent.

All: ......

[The elevator begins to go upstairs to the laboratory]

Tifa: Is he, um, Rufus I mean - is he your husband?

Yuffie: *giggles*

Reno: The President is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his....associates.

Tifa: But uh- have you... has he-

Aeris, Reno, Yuffie: Yes?

Tifa: *shakes her head* Nevermind.

[The elevator finally stops on the next floor up. There Rufus awaits, with his white trench coat back on. Cloud and the others exit the elevator]

Rufus: Aeris, Yuffie - go assist Reno. I will entertain *reaches his hand out to Cloud* ...uh huh huh...

Cloud: *ignores the handshake* Cloud Strife. This is my fiancee, Tifa "Flockheart".

Tifa: LOCKheart.

Cloud: Lockheart? Um.

Rufus: *slick-ly grabs Tifa's hand and kisses it* Enchante.

Tifa: *giggles like a school-girl*

Rufus: Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. *hands them the dresses each wore during the Wall Market fiasco* They'll make you feel less... vulnerable.

[Cloud sighs as he has to wear a dress ONCE AGAIN, while Rufus tries to suppress his laughter]

Rufus: It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

Cloud: Hospitality!? We don't care about what is going on here, but we have asked to use your PHS, which you have chosen to forget about!

Tifa: Cloud, don't be ungrateful.

Cloud: Ungrateful! *poses like he's ready for a fight*

Rufus: How stupid you are, Cloud. Such a perfect specimen of a SOLDIER. So... blind. You must be awfully proud of him, Tifa. *he says mockingly*

Tifa: As a matter of fact, I am.

Rufus: Have you ever been exposed to Mako, Cloud?

Cloud: *nervously* N-no.

Rufus: Oh well,.. *turns to Tifa* how about you?

Tifa: Do I look like a man to you? *gesturing at her chest*

Reno: Everything is in readiness, President. We merely await your... word.

Rufus: Tonight, my mindless minions... You are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and the Promised Land, is to be mine!

[clap clap clap]

Rufus: It was strange the way it happened... suddenly Hojo finally figured it out... whole pieces had to fit into place for him to figure out how... what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small experiment to make it happen... AN EXPERIMENT...

Aeris & Yuffie: An experiment!

Rufus: ..and that's how he discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the breath of life... Yes, we have that knowledge... We hold the secret... to life... itself!

[clap clap clap]

Rufus: *turns to Hojo, who is typing away on a computer* You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that the destructive creature is destined to be REBORN! Up now!

[Yuffie and Aeris unveil the chamber where the experiment is resting. Think the experiment pods in Nibelheim. Same thing. Hojo starts to play around with switches on the pod]

Hojo: Why wasn't I the star of this?

All: ......

Hojo: Well I AM the one who figured out to bring him back to life.

All: ..... *now with white skin and terrified looks on their faces*

[Hikaru, dressed in her "I am the director" garb, walks on.]

Hikaru: Look Hojo, no offense, but no one wants to see you in a teddy.

Hojo: Oh?

Hikaru: *nod nod* They'd much rather see Rufus here in a teddy, ne minaa?

All: ......

[Everyone's paychecks magically appear in Hikaru's hands as she threatens to tear them apart]

Hikaru: NE minaa?

All: OF COURSE!

Hikaru: Now, Hojo... *taps him on the head with a wand, making him magically disappear from the fic* You aren't needed any longer. Rufus, continue....

[Hikaru hurriedly runs back into the shadows and directs again. The room goes dark, and they begin to awaken the creature]

Rufus: ...throw open the switches on the Life 2 materia ports... and step the Mako power input THREE MORE POINTS!

[Glowing glowing glowing.. Rufus doesn't play with the goo that Frank does in the movie. I always thought that part was SO pointless! The pod begins to shake and rattle]

Tifa: *grabs on to Cloud* Oh, Brad!

Cloud: Again with this "Brad", who is it?

Tifa: ^^;

[The pod now opens up to reveal a fully bandaged body. Aeris walks over and takes the bandage covering its face to reveal Sephiroth]

Rufus: Oh! Sephy!

[Sephiroth, who's not too enthused about the whole fanfic, growls. He immediately begins to make himself float up to escape groping from Rufus. He de-tangles himself from the bandages to reveal him fully clothed and armed with his 7 ft sword]

Sephiroth:

The sword of Cloud is hanging over my stash, And I've got the feeling someone's gonna start Omnislash.

[Because Sephiroth got away before Rufus could grope him, Rufus takes his anger out by kicking Reno to the ground]

Rufus: You IDIOT!!

Sephiroth:

Oh, woe is me, I don't know what I am. Oh, can't you see, that I don't even know that Hojo's my father? I woke up from this pod with a start, when I was filled with shame.

Turks: That ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: And left from my dream where I was surrounded by fame.

Turks: That ain't no crime.

Sephiroth:

My powers are low, Cloud's dressed up with no place to go. *smirk* And all I know, is I don't even know who's my father.

[Rufus begins to run furiously around the room, trying to catch Sephiroth. Insert humorous scenes of Rufus jumping of the observing balcony and missing Sephiroth by an inch here]

Rufus: Oh, Sephy!

Turks: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: Oh ho no no

Turks: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: Oh ho no no

Turks: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: Oh ho no no

Sephiroth: The sword of Cloud is hanging over my stash.

Rufus: *has given up, he puts his hand through his hair* Another failure on Hojo's account.

Turks: That ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: And I've got the feeling someone's gonna start Omnislash.

Turks: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Sephiroth:

Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery And, can't you see, that I don't even know that Hojo's my father?

Turks: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: Oh no no no.

Turks: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Sephiroth: Oh no no no.

Turks:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, sha-la-la.

Rufus: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day released.

Sephiroth: RAGE! *slices around with his sword*

Rufus: *backs away* But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I'll have to forgive you.

Sephiroth: SICK! *still slices at the air*

Rufus: *smirks even thou Sephy isn't listening* Oh, I just love success.

Reno: He's a credit to your company, Sir.

Rufus: *excited (on Rufus standards)* Yes.

Aeris: A triumph of the Cetra.

Rufus: *excited (on an average person's standards)* Yes.

Yuffie: *totally un-climatic, she's jealous* He's all right..

Rufus: All right? *smacks pod* All right?!? I think we can do better than that.

[Rufus cautiously drags Sephiroth over to Cloud and Tifa. Cloud glares at Sephiroth, as Tifa checks him out]

Rufus: Well, Cloud and Tifa, what do you think of him?

Tifa: Well, um.... you see... I don't like men with... too big of a sword.

Turks: Ohhhhh! That one hurt!

[Cloud hangs his head in shame as Sephiroth eats it up]

Rufus: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the Yoshitaka Amano seal of approval.

[Rufus leads Sephiroth over to a package. He unveils it to be all sorts of samurai swords of different lengths. They all have the tags "Happy B-day Sephy" on it]

[REALLY BAD RHYMING WARNING!!]

Rufus:

A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds Will get sand in his face When I kick him, to the ground;

[Rufus kicks Reno to the ground. All laugh, except for Reno]

Rufus:

And soon with training, from vigorous straining, He becomes to love the cause, and works without pau-uuuse We shall make him glisten ...and gleam. And with orders, he'll go back to his--- quarters,

[As Rufus says quarters, he develops a VERY evil grin]

Rufus:

He'll kill the mortars and find those damn borders He'll be a strong man. Oh honey...

Rufus & Turks: But the wrong man.

[Playfully, Yuffie and Rufus hull out a stuffed person-type model thing for Sephiroth to slash at, which he does, scaring everyone]

Rufus:

He'll beat AVALANCHE-rs stupid protesters. And protect ShinRa... Find the Promised Land and lead us using, his chest, arms, and... *rab* Shins(?). Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven games...

Rufus & Turks: I can make you work for me-e-e-e-e-e.

Rufus:

He'll do killings, and assassinations, find enemies, clean and fast. He thinks ShinRa is good, must have the brain of a ass. Such strenuous living he just doesn't understand, When in just seven games, oh baby, ...I can make you work for me-e-e-e-e-e.

[As the song comes to a close, Rufus and Sephiroth make their way over to the freezer. Somehow, someone releases it and the door opens. Sephiroth quickly pushes Rufus out of the way, and flies away. There is a sheet of ice covering the opening of the freezer. Inside, a motorcycle can be heard]

Yuffie: VINCENT!

[On cue, Vincent breaks through the wall of ice. He's riding the motorcycle that Cloud had when escaping from Midgar. Vincent is clothed in his normal wear, and has a saxophone strapped to his back. Hey! Meatloaf doesn't play the saxophone either >P Deal with it! The whole musical number is played out just like it is in RHPS, because I'm too lazy to write or think up of anything else. Yes, Yuffie and Vincent... "visit" each other, on the floor, at this time. *clears throat* Enjoy Vincent's walk-on]

Vincent:

Whatever happened to Lucrecia, When I was a Turk and gave her a smirk? I haven't been the same since Hojo worked. He came into her life, even though I was a Turk. I used to write her and asked her to go, To come with me and leave Hojo, but no; ShinRa was creating an evil scheme. She let them test, NO! That creature was born! Oh Lucrecia, curse my soul, I really loved you oh- so. Oh Lucrecia, curse my soul, I really loved you oh- so. Oh Lucrecia, curse my soul, I really loved you oh- so. Oh Lucrecia, curse my soul, I really loved you oh- so.

[Saxophone solo]

Rude: *dancing with the other Turks* ..........

Vincent:

My head used to swim from the guilt that I felt. My hands always trembled, so I hid all away. They captured me and changed me all the way. And she'd whisper in my ear I could still hear her voice. Hide in the coffin, and dream for so long Because baby, this is gonna be my last song. With your arms around me I'll try to move along. She let them test, NO! That creature was born! (Repeat x12) Oh Lucrecia, curse my soul, I really loved you oh- so.

[As the song draws to a close, Rufus heads into the freezer, where a gun is kept just in case of an emergency. Rufus slowly stalks Vincent and casually chases him back into the freezer. All the while, Yuffie is screaming her head off. Gun shots are heard, and Rufus walks out with a HUGE bloodstain on his coat. Yuffie is now screaming again. Rufus gives her a sharp look and she immediately stops]

Rufus: One from the shop.

[All laugh at the un-funny joke]

Sephiroth: STUPID! *slashes his sword at the elevator that Rufus put him in*

Rufus: Oh Sephy!!

[Rufus opens the elevator, Sephiroth gives him a MEAN look]

Rufus: Now, don't be upset... *pushes his hand through his hair* It was a mercy killing... he had a certain naive following, but no... sword.

Sephiroth: *puts his sword at Rufus' neck*

Rufus: *gets turned on for SOME reason* Oh!

[Rufus easily pushes the sword away from his neck and bursts back into song again]

Rufus:

But Mako and a taste for blood. A hot temper and cruel-ness. Makes me, oooh *shakes with a mini Turk* SHAKE! Makes me want to take Amano by the...ha-ha-hand.

Rufus & Turks: In just seven games I can make you work for me-e-e-e-e-e.

[Reno comes over to Rufus to take off the trenchcoat, but Rufus refuses. Finally Aeris walks over and the two pair up, ripping off the trenchcoat. Hence, Rufus is back in his teddy]

Rufus: I don't want no dissension, just dynamic tension.

Tifa: I'm a killing fan.

[Aeris rolls her eyes and moves away from Tifa, as Cloud gives Tifa an odd look]

Rufus:

In just seven games, I can make you work for me-e-e-e-e-e. Do it, if you ca----an In just seven games, I can make you work for me.

[Cue the wedding march. Rufus takes Sephiroth's arm. Sephiroth looks at Rufus with un-ease. He knows what's up, and he doesn't like it. The two begin to march to the suite, which has a stained glass window of the ShinRa logo. As the two walk, the Turks throw rice]

Turks:

Promised Land Promised Land, rah-rah-rah! Promised Land Promised Land, rah-rah-rah! Promised Land Promised Land, rah-rah-rah! Promised Land Promised Land, rah-rah-rah!

[As the two get to the suite, Rufus turns to the Turks and nods]

Rufus: You are all idiots.

[Rufus turns back and walks into the suite. As the curtains fall, we can see Sephiroth un-seething his sword for an attack]

Red XIII: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Cloud and Tifa are quite safe, ... however, the sudden departure of the President...and his creation...into the seclusion of his quarters had left them feeling both sickened to their stomachs and fearing; a feeling which grew as the Turks departed, and they were shown to their separate dorms.

[Tifa and Cloud are split up, Yuffie shows the two each to a room. Tifa's is red themed, while Cloud's is blue. Aeris and Reno watch Tifa's room, sexually laughing. In Tifa's room, a figure opens the door and runs in. Of course, all we can see are silhouettes]

Tifa: Who the-?! Who's there?

Cloud: It's only me, Tifa.

Tifa: Oh, Cloud! Come in.

[A Cloud shaped figure enters the bed and begins to kiss Tifa all over]

Tifa: Oh! Cloud Oh... Yes, my prince...but what if...

Cloud: It's all right, Tifa, I'll be sure to protect you.

[Cloud goes back to making out with Tifa]

Tifa: Oh, I hope so, my prince. *in an orgasmic way* Oh...Ah...ahh

[Tifa pushes her hand through Cloud's hair, which comes off to reveal Rufus' hair]

Tifa: OHHH! Oh it's you!

Rufus: I'm afraid so, Miss Lockheart, but isn't it nice... *gropes Tifa*

Tifa: *gets up* Oh, you jerk, you sex fiend...Oh what have you done with Cloud?

Rufus: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Tifa: You tricked me...I wouldn't have *starts to cry*...I've never..never...

Rufus: Oh come now, it wasn't that bad was it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable. *smirks* I am a President after all...

[Rufus starts kissing Tifa's chest]

Tifa: Oh, stop... I mean help...Cloud Cloud!..Oh CLOUD!!

Rufus: Shhh. Cloud's fast asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This!

[Very sexual pose can be seen at this moment. VERY wrong]

Tifa: Like this..like HELL!! *smack* Oh, it's your fault... you're the evil one here... I was saving myself...

Rufus: Well, I'm sure you're definitely not SPENT yet... *starts kissing her again*

[Tifa has given up and gives into Rufus' exploits :D]

Tifa: *timidly* Promise you won't tell Brad?

Rufus: *blinks* Who's Brad?

Tifa: Oh it's not important-

[Tifa pulls Rufus in and they proceed to have... fun... yeah...]

[In Hojo's lab, Reno and Aeris are watching the Rufus and Tifa... make love love. Reno smirks at Aeris and motions towards Sephiroth, who is sleeping. Aeris' grin grows wider as she nods. Reno walks over to Sephiroth and takes his sword. At that moment, Sephiroth wakes up and sees that Reno has his sword. Sephiroth, defenseless without his sword, reaches out for the sword like a little kid who just had his candy taken away. Reno starts to move away as Sephiroth chases him. Finally Reno gets to the elevator and throws the sword down the elevator (or so it seems) Sephiroth jumps after it and starts running around frantically for it. Scene of Sephiroth looking for his sword in the rain starts here :D]

[Meanwhile... in Cloud's room, someone has come to pay Cloud a visit]

Tifa: Oh, Cloud, we can't stay here. It'll destroy our minds.

Cloud: Don't worry Tifa, we'll get out of here in the morning.

Tifa: Oh, Cloud.... you're so strong and protective.

[Cloud and Tifa cuddle. Cloud rubs Tifa's hair, revealing it's Rufus in a wig]

Cloud: OMAE KA!

Rufus: I'm afraid so, Strife, but isn't it nice... *gropes Cloud*

Cloud: Ack! Get offa me! What have you done with Tifa?

Rufus: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Cloud: You bastard, you tricked me! I wouldn't have...I've never never...never...EVER!

Rufus: Oh Yes yes, I know... *starts to his kiss Cloud's chest* But it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. I am a President after all *smirk*

Cloud: Stop it...stop it... *starts to moan* oh Tifa... TIFA!

Rufus: Shhh. Tifa's fast asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like...This!

[Very sexual pose can be seen at this moment. WORSE than the last one... SERIOUSLY WORSE]

Cloud: Like HELL! GET OFF OF ME! *pushes Rufus to the other side of the bed* It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was finally the time.

Rufus: Oh come on, Cloud, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in having enjoyment with.. your fellow man *smirk* Oh Cloud, make your President happy... Tifa needn't know, I won't tell.

[Rufus begins to kiss again, lower this time. Cloud finally gives in]

Cloud: *gingerly* Well, promise if you won't tell...

Rufus: On my father's graoouuuuuu....

[Reno comes in on the television with a slight grin on his face]

Reno: President ShinRa, Sephiroth has broken his chains and vanished. The new experiment is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Aeris has just released.. Dark Nation. *howls are heard outside*

Rufus: Mmmmm? *annoyed* Coming!

[Rufus continues his job on Cloud... literally....]

[Back in Tifa's room, she's confused and crying]

Tifa: *look left* What's happening here? *look right* Where's Cloud? *look up* Where's anybody?

[Humorous scene of Sephiroth running for the rain like a dog, trying to find his sword. Dark Nation is on his tail, and is gaining ground. We then scene cut to Tifa at the elevator, STILL crying and reflecting on what happened]

Tifa: Oh, Cloud. Cloud, my savior, how could I have done this to you?

[Tifa gets inside the elevator and goes up to Hojo's lab. As she talks, scenes cut quickly, making it seem as she magically pops everywhere in the lab]

Tifa: Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey... if only the Chocobo hadn't tired out... oh, if only we were amongst friends... Or sane people- Oh Brad..ah-I mean Cloud.... What have they done with him?

[Tifa walks over to the TV screen and pulls the switch, revealing security footage of Cloud's room. Cloud is smoking a cigarette as Rufus calmly lays in the bed with a wry smirk on his face]

Tifa: CLOUD! *is shocked* Oh Cloud.... How-no-WHY would you?

[Cue Sephiroth crying, while hiding in his pod, which is now tipped over and open, looking like a coffin. Tifa stops her crying and walks over to the pod, finding Sephiroth, who is cut up by bites of Dark Nation, and is still missing his sword]

Tifa: Oh, you're hurt...Did they do this to you?

Sephiroth: SWORD!

Tifa: Here, I'll dress your wounds *tears off a piece of her shirt and wraps it around his hand* ... baby there...

Sephiroth: NICE. *puts his hand on top of Tifa's and smiles*

Red XIII: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from what Aeris and Yuffie eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Tifa was, indeed, ... its slave.

[Yuffie and Aeris watch Tifa approach Sephiroth. Yuffie, of course, is in Mickey ears, PJs, and doing Aeris' nails. Aeris, who is blow drying her perfect shiny hair, is lounging in a teddy]

Aeris and Yuffie: Tell us about it, Tifa. *both laugh*

[Back to Tifa, who is now in the pod with Sephiroth and is cornering him]

Tifa:

I was feeling jipped, couldn't kick I'd only ever kissed before.

Yuffie: You mean she's...

Aeris: Uh-huh.

Tifa:

I thought there's no use getting Into a leisurely setting It only leads to heartbreak And-*smirk* bed wetting. Now all I want to know- is how it goes. I've tasted blood and I want more.

Aeris and Yuffie: More, more, more

[Tifa rips off another piece of her top, getting pretty skimpy here ^^;]

Tifa:

I'll let you have your way I'll do it anyway I've got hunger to feed Just give me your say. Zach-a Zach-a Zach Me I miss him so much! Hug me, squeeze me, impress me Creature of Mako. Then if anything grows, while you pose, I'll pull you up and knock you down.

Aeris and Yuffie: Down, down, down.

Tifa:

That's just how we work in this fraction, of the main attraction You want to find your sword and I want action. Zach-a Zach-a Zach Me I miss him so much! Hug me, squeeze me, impress me Creature of Mako.

[Back to Aeris and Yuffie, who are just having a field day with this silly song. They begin to mock it]

Yuffie: Zach-a Zach-a Zach Me *glomps Aeris*

Aeris: I miss him so much! *blows dryer in face*

Yuffie: Hug me, squeeze me, impress me *glomps even harder*

Aeris: Creature of Mako. *puts air from blow drier into Yuffie's PJs*

[Tifa and Sephiroth are now on the floor of the pod... making love. Oh yay... haven't we had enough of this yet?]

Tifa:

Zach-a Zach-a Zach Me I miss him so much! Hug me, squeeze me, impress me Creature of Mako.

[Here's the, what I like to call, toilet bowl shot... everyone gets they're own line... no they don't sing along with the song... too bad]

Sephiroth: Where's my sword?

Cloud: Who's this BRAD?

Rufus: Why am I doing this?

Aeris: Not fair! I wanted to fuck Sephiroth!

Reno: I'll pretend I'm Sephy, Aeris....

Yuffie: I want MATERIA!

Sephiroth: WHY am I in this Fanfic?

Tifa: Creature of the Mako!

[Back to Rufus, who is coming up the elevator, shooting at Reno. Cloud, is also in the elevator. Rufus is clad in his white trench coat, un-buttoned and showing that he is STILL wearing the teddy. Cloud is in a blue frilly China robe ^_^ Just like in the movie. Reno pulls open the elevator door and tries to dodge bullets. Once hits him in the ass]

Reno: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy!

[BANG!]

Reno: HEY! I was asking for mercy!!

Rufus: How did it happen? I thought you understood that were to be watching him!

Reno: I was only looking away for a moment... President...

Rufus: Well, see if you can find him on the *cocks gun and puts it next to Reno's forehead* security monitor.

[Reno hurriedly runs over to the security monitor and pulls down the switch. A man appears on the screen, standing outside]

Reno: President, President! ...We have a visitor.

[Both Rufus and Cloud run over to the monitor. Cloud recognizes him immediately]

Cloud: Hey, it's Ciddy! *Rufus and Reno exchange odd looks* ...Dr. Cid Highwind.

Reno: You know this trai- *Rufus glares* I mean...person?

Cloud: I sure do! He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Rufus: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here on purpose.

Cloud: I told you, my Chocobo got tired. I told you the truth.

Rufus: I know what you told me... but this Dr. Cid Highwind, his name is not unknown to me.

Cloud: He used to work for the ShinRa space program... of course you would know him...

Rufus: And now he works for the people, doesn't he, Cloud? *starts pushing Cloud around with his gun* He's attached to the group of traitors of that which you call AV-A-LANCHE! Isn't that right, Cloud? *knocks Cloud over*

Cloud: He might be...I don't know.

Reno: The intruder is entering the building, President.

Reno: He'll probably be... in the Chocobo room.

[Insert humorous scene of Cid standing in a Chibi Chocobo filled room, with the Chocobo theme music and everything]

Rufus: Shall we inquire of him in person?

[Rufus pushes a button next to the security monitor. Cid's lance is magnetically pulled. Cid, not wanting to let go of his favorite weapon, hangs onto it and gets a tour of ShinRa mansion, all the while, the Chocobo theme plays. He's pulled up the stairs, into Yuffie's room (where Yuffie and Aeris are chatting), ignored by the two ladies, pulled up more stairs, and finally through the wall of the lab]

Cloud: Great Scott!

[Toilet paper flies everywhere. Cid comes down the staircase, bumping up and down, finally stopping at the plate next to Rufus. Cid, still refuses to give up his lance, even though his fingers are being crushed]

Cid: Rufus, you ^#@&^#@&%!@, we finally meet.

Cloud: *shakes Cid's hand* Cid!

Cid: Cloud! What the &^#@&^#@(! are you doing here?

[Rufus, using his gun, splits the two apart]

Rufus: Don't play games, Dr. Highwind. You know exactly why Mr. Strife is here. It was part of your plan, correct? That he and his slut should check the mansion for you and your... associates. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. *pushes his hand through his hair* I am adaptable, Dr. Highwind; I know Cloud is. *Cloud flushes*

Cid: Not to dis ya, but yer totally wrong. Cloud bein' here scares the SHIT out of me in fact. I 'come here to find Vincent, ^&#^#@.

Cloud: Vincent! I've seen him! He's-

[Rufus nudges Cloud with his gun, stopping him from revealing any more]

Rufus: Vincent! What do you know about Vincent, Dr. Highwind?

Cid: I's be happen' to know all about a lot of thin's around here. See, Vincent is my #@&^#@$#%$ nephew.

[Cloud and Rufus look at Cid with shock]

Cloud: R-r-eally?

Rufus: I see no resemblance.

Cid: *rubs the back of his head* Well, actually we're jus' friends. I just am following this ^@#&^#(%$% script. *holds up script*

Cloud: Oh I see.

[Rufus hits the button again, releasing Cid's lance. The magnet makes a LOUD noise. Some stirring comes from Sephiroth's pod, which Rufus has just noticed that is knocked over. Rufus walks over to inspect it]

Cloud: Cid-

[Rufus pulls up the sheet covering Tifa and Sephiroth. Tifa and Sephiroth stand up, using the sheet to cover themselves]

Tifa: Ah!

Cid: Tifa!

Tifa: Cid?

Cloud: Tifa!

Tifa: Bra-I mean- Cloud!

Rufus: Sephy!

Sephiroth: SEGA!

Cid: Tifa!

Tifa: Cid!

Cloud: Tifa!

Tifa: Cloud!

Rufus: Sephy!

Sephiroth: SEGA!

Cid: Tifa!

Tifa: Cid!

Cloud: Tifa!

Tifa: Cloud!

Rufus: Sephy!

Sephiroth: SEGA!

Rufus: Listen...I made you... well sort of... and I can break you just as easily. *pushes his hand through his hair*

[Aeris comes in and bangs a gong, impairing everyone's hearing, and knocking everyone over]

Aeris: President, sir, dinner is prepared!!!

Rufus: *annoyed* Excellent. Under these circumstances, -dress- is to be optional. *glares at Tifa*

[Scene cut to Red, who is looking at a book, which has a painting of the Last Supper]

Red XIII: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now, this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little.. meaning.

[Rufus and the gang sit down for dinner. Rufus is presented with a chunk of meat(?), slicing it by repeatedly shooting it until it's in tiny bits. Aeris and Reno humorously serve the troop, throwing the meat on their plates, and pouring wine everywhere BUT in the wine glasses]

Rufus: *holds up his wine glass* A toast... to absent friends...

All: To absent friends.

[Everyone drinks what little wine they have in their cups]

Rufus: And Sephy. *puts Birthday hat on* Happy Birthday to you, *everyone joins in* Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Sephy... *glares at everyone, they stop singing* Shall we?

Cid: Hey, yo Rufus! What about ^#@^%$* Vincent?

Yuffie: Vincent?!

[Rufus cocks his gun, Yuffie shuts up]

Rufus: That's a rather tender subject. *smirk* Another slice anyone?

[Everyone immediately stops eating, except Sephiroth, who was still depressed about missing his sword]

Yuffie: *realizes what she's done* Excuse me...

[Yuffie gets up from her seat and leaves the room, shutting the doors behind her. She then screams her head off]

Cid: Shit.. I 'new he was in a bad crowd, but DAMN.... this is ^#$@&^#@... Aliens!

Sephiroth: EH!

Cloud & Tifa: Cid!!

Rufus: Go on, Dr. Highwind. Or should I say.... Dr. CIDNEY Highwind?

Cloud: *bursts out laughing*

Cid: &$#@ you Rufus!

Cloud: *continues to laugh, tears are showing*

Cid: Dammit Cloud... you can stop `any time now.

Cid:

From th' day that he joined He was $^&#^$& boring. He was th' thorn In ShinRa's side. We tried for a while...

[Cut to Red]

Red XIII: ... but all we could get was a simple smile.

[Back to Cid]

Cid:

He left th' coffin th' day we came. From th' day she was gone All's he wanted Was to stay warm and to kill the &^#@&^$@*$ Hojo. Shootin' bugs...

[Red]

Red XIII: He was a low down and depressed, even though he was smug.

[Cid]

Cid: ^$#&^$#%*^*#$!

All:

When Vincent said he wanted to kill in an instant We knew we had a great addition. But when he got dark and depressed, with his Hojo mess...

Rufus: What a sap!

Tifa: Makes you depressed.

Cid: 'nd I &$#*&^#% was.

[In her room, surrounded by Vincent pictures, Yuffie sulks... joining in on the song :D]

Yuffie:

Everybody hated me. He nearly, dearly loved me. Just cuz we're secret, doesn't matter to me; I told him to stay here and talk with me But he left to find Lucrecia without even telling me!

Cid:

But some damn thing Must'a scared 'em, Making 'em warn Me in a note that reads...

All: What's it say? What's it say?

Vincent:

I'm lost here without a clue. Oh, hurry, for I don't know what to do. They mustn't carry out another evil deed.

[Vincent scream]

All:

When Vincent said he wanted to kill in an instant We knew we had a great addition. But when he got dark and depressed, with his Hojo mess...

Rufus: What a sap!

Tifa: Makes you depressed.

Cid: 'nd I &$#*&^#% was.

All:

When Vincent said he wanted to kill in an instant We knew we had a great addition. But when he got dark and depressed, with his Hojo mess...

Rufus: What a sap!

Tifa: Makes you depressed.

Cid: 'nd I &$#*&^#% was.

[Rufus stands and pulls off the table cloth, revealing Vincent in his coffin, under glass. Various parts missing. Cid is shocked, and Tifa goes screaming over to Sephiroth, who welcomes her]

Rufus: Oh Sephy! *pushes Tifa away* How could you?

[Rufus chases Tifa out of the dinning room. Cid and Cloud follow]

Aeris: Oh I hope she'll be alright...

Reno: Oh Aeris... SHUT UP!

Rufus:

I'm gonna tell you once; I won't say it twice. You'd better spice--- your act up Tifa. Your cocktails never tasted very nice. You'd better spice--- your act up Tifa. I've laid a seed; should you ever find a need You're make men horny, it's awful corny, wind 'em round like string. When we did it, didja hear the doves sing?

[They finally enter back into Hojo's lab]

Rufus:

Don't stop to talk. The guy's 'll just walk. You'd better spice--- your act up Tifa. The transducer will seduce ya.

Tifa: My feet! I can't move my feet!

Cid: &^$@&^#@&^(#@^$(@*#$@&$?$#*&@%#@($^%@)*@^$($%!#~(#&(@)(^@

Cloud: It's as if we can't move!

All: *sweatdrop*

Rufus: I'm glad you catch on so quickly Cloud...

Tifa: Oh no! We're trapped..... with CLOUD!

Rufus:

It's something you'll get used to. It's called marriage, isn't it just so nice?

[Reno and Aeris enter in from the hole Cid had made earlier. Trailing behind then is Sephiroth]

Cid: Ya won't find ODD people bein' stuck to where they are. Th' sonic transducer... it's... some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?

Cloud: ........Huh?

Cid: It's somethin' we've been working on for a'while. But it seems the ^@^$@(@!$ has found out how to make it. Shit... This's a device which can break down solid matter and then project it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time..

Tifa: Does that mean he can bring back my mother?

[Rufus smirks as he walks over to Tifa and starts fondling her]

Rufus:

Mu-tha, nata, Tifa! You'd better spice--- your act up Tifa. You better spice up, bat those eyes, You better spice up

[Back to Red...]

Red XIII: And then she cried out...

[Back to Tifa...]

Tifa: *beats on Rufus' chest* Stop!

Rufus:

Don't get so antsy my dear! Open your ears so you can hear.

Cloud: You're a bad man, but you better try to lust her, Rufus ShinRa.

[Aeris equips the 'Petrify' materia and uses it on Cloud]

Cid: Ya a bad man, but ya better try to lust her, Rufus ShinRa.

[Petrified]

Tifa: You're a bad man --

[Petrified]

[Rufus smiles with triumph]

Yuffie: My God! I can't take this anymore! First you drop me for Vincent, and then you shoot him down like a sick dog for Sephiroth! You use people up and then you toss 'em out like trash...I loved you.. do you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: no materia, that's what. You're like a sponge. You suck, suck, suck, and take others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough of this crap! You're gonna choose between me and Sephiroth- And don't try any tricks this time!

[Petrified]

Sephiroth: *who magically appears* MEAN!

[Petrified]

Rufus: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes my face ache... and my minions turn against me... Sephy's acting just the way that Vincent did. *turns to Aeris and Reno* Do you think Hojo made a mistake, using his own sperm to make Sephiroth?

Aeris: Ahhhh! Who cares about all of that? When shall we return to ShinRa, huh?

Rufus: Aeris, I am indeed grateful to both you and your.... mate... Reno. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I might actually be generous.

Aeris: I ask for nothing... Sir.

Rufus: And you shall receive it...in abundance!

[Rufus slams on the freezer where he was leaning and walks over to the elevator]

Rufus: Come, it's time for the floor show!

[Rufus leaves, as Aeris and Reno do the hand dance around Cid's statue]

Red XIII: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Cloud and Tifa should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Cid Highwind. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Cloud and Tifa had both tasted....forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that the President was a man of little morals...and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had been formed in Rufus' crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.

[Rufus is preparing all the statues, doing their make-up and dressing them in various teddies. He himself is now clad in his white trench coat, open, with a ruby crested teddy on... Now what we have all been waiting for... the finale!]

[Aeris is behind stage, carrying a basket full of Softs. The song starts up and she throws a Soft onto Yuffie]

Yuffie:

It was great when it all began. I was a regular materia fan. But it was over when I met the man Who would soon hold my heart in his hand. Now the only thing that makes me stay Is that love of Vincent's way. Materia-ize my world, and give me all of it ba-ack.

[Soft!]

Sephiroth:

I never wanted to be in this fic, Hikaru's makin' me do things that make me sick. And somebody should be told But no one's around, it's cuz of her cold. Now the only thing I've come to like Is when Vincent rode Cloud's bike. Materia-ize my world, and give me all of it ba-ack.

[Soft!]

Cloud:

It's beyond me; I don't get it! I'll be silent; test me. Burn this place down! What's this? Let's see, I feel emotions! What's the hell is this? Wo! Here it comes again.

[Soft!]

Tifa:

I have been released; times with Cloud have deceased. My lust for love increased; Slut-ness is very near. The game has been succeeded; yet I still feel this need to. It's the best! Thank you Rufus! His lust is so sincere.....

[Curtains from behind start to rise, revealing the ShinRa logo. There Rufus stands, with sparkles on his face, and still wearing the white trench coat-ruby teddy get-up]

Rufus:

Whatever happened to Crono? That silent, red-haired fool? As he fought for time How we turned up the sound.... 'cause we wanted to feel the game. Give yourself over to the Squaresoft masters. Swim the warm waters, and develop the powers Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure And sensual daydreams are yours to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh!

[Rufus jumps into a pool, yet magically is not wet at all. As he stands on a floatie, he pushes his hand through his hair]

Rufus: Don't fear it, buy it. (Repeat x4)

All: Don't fear it, buy it. (Repeat x4)

[The dancers mindlessly follow Rufus into the pool, literally walking in. They begin to have sex in the pool, Rufus happily watching, but not participating in it all. A soft, that fell from Aeris' basket, rolls over to Cid and un-petrifies him. He is totally oblivious to the fact that he is also dressed up]

Cid:

Tch! Shit! What the *&#@^%$ has happen'd to them? I've gotta get them out of this &^@#%$( place, before they get zapped into some dammed place. I've got to be strong, an' hang on, or else I might as well #@^%@#%!^%$, or I'll............. *finally realizes what he's wearing* ^!@$~(?#@*!%#)@!^!*#&%%>#&@%!

Brad: It's beyond me; I STILL don't get it!

Tifa: God bless Square and Rufus!

[A platform rises and Rufus stands over everyone. The others start kicking the water, making it look like some old water show]

Rufus:

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my! I'm a mean and evil thing. I've got a fine body and an evil sting. One shot an' you'll hear the angels sing. Your life 'll be over and you'll hear a gong ring. So let's continue the search for Mako. We're gonna find it and make mo---ney. Materia-ize my world, and give me all of it ba-ack.

[All the dancers in the pool now come back up on stage, along with Rufus and began to dance just like in RHPS... I dunno what the dance called... sorry ^^;]

All:

We're a mean and evil thing. We've got a fine body and an evil sting. One shot an' you'll hear the angels sing. Your life 'll be over and you'll hear a gong ring. So let's continue the search for Mako. We're gonna find it and make mo---ney. Materia-ize my world, and give me all of it ba-ack.

[Cid slides on the stage and does a solo can-can :D Now back to the song...]

All:

We're a mean and evil thing. We've got a fine body and an evil sting. One shot an' you'll hear the angels sing. Your life 'll be over and you'll hear a gong ring. So let's continue the search for Mako. We're gonna find it and make mo---ney. Materia-ize my world, and give me all of it ba-ack.

[Aeris and Reno burst into the auditorium, dressed in Turk uniforms with a futuristic teist. Aeris now has HEAVY make-up on and Reno is wearing his sun-glasses. Rufus swallows hard, while all the others are shocked and curious on what's going on]

Reno:

Rufus ShinRa, you're time is up! Your mission has failed 'ya; This fanfic is way to silly. I'm the new President; You now are my associate. We return to ShinRa. Prepare the transit beam.

[Aeris nods and is about to leave when Rufus shouts...]

Rufus: Wait! I can explain!

[Rufus walks over to Yuffie and whispers some things in her ear. She quickly runs over to the lights. Rufus then pushes Sephiroth over to the lights, and curtain controls. The curtain lowers and cue song]

Rufus: On the day I was sent away...

All: Farewell...

Rufus: Was all I ever said...

All: Now I...

Rufus: I've finally found a place to stay.

All: Oh, my, my...

Rufus:

Tell me that I may. 'cause I've seen, oh, Mako eyes In the mirror through my eyes And I realize, I'm going back.

All: I'm going back.

[Rufus sits at the edge of the stage]

Rufus: Everywhere people know my name...

All: ...feeling...

Rufus: ...like I'm not the same...

All: ...treating...

Rufus: ...people like trash, for it's only a game...

All: ...dealing...

Rufus:

Cards for Squall, *throws pretend cards* Cards for Zida-ne *deals out pretend cards again*

[Rufus stands up, the wind machine turns on, a blue background appears and someone magically throws Rufus a silk scarf]

Rufus:

'cause I've seen, oh, Mako eyes In the mirror through my eyes And I realize, I'm going back.

[Rufus starts to walk out of the auditorium. In his mind he sees people applauding him and worshipping him like a President of ShinRa should be treated]

Rufus & All: I'm going ba-a-ack.

Aeris: How sentimental.

[Rufus blinks and looks at Aeris, he then turns back to the audience, seeing that they are gone]

Reno: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to ShinRa, I referred only to Aeris and me. I'm sorry, however, if you thought you were coming, but see, you're remaining here. Well... in the Lifestream that you love so much, anyway. *aims laser at Rufus*

Cid: Holy SHIT! That's a laser!

Reno: Yes, Dr. Highwind. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-mako.

Cloud: You mean...you're going to kill him?

All: DUH CLOUD!

Cloud: *sweatdrop* What's his crime?

Cid: Ya saw what those ^#@&%$# did to Vincent! He deserves it!

Reno: Exactly, Dr. Highwind. And now, Rufus ShinRa, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to the Lifestream!

[Rufus proudly stands up, as he wants to die respectfully]

Cloud: *whispers to Tifa* Hey wait a minute... he's not supposed to die until disk 2!

Tifa: ..... Cloud... *BANG* Follow the script for once okay?

[As Reno is about to shoot, Yuffie screams, so Reno shoots her (since her scream is VERY annoying). Now that Rufus knows Reno is out for blood fear strikes him and he tries to escape the wrath of Reno. He fails, and is shot down. Everyone looks to Sephiroth]

Sephiroth: WHAT?

Tifa: *nudges him* You're supposed to get mad now.

Sephiroth: WHY?

Tifa & Cloud: .........

Sephiroth: HA!

[Hikaru magically appears once more and takes Reno's gun, wounding Sephiroth in the leg]

Hikaru: Now play dead!

Sephiroth: WAH! *holds his leg and falls over*

Cloud: OH MY GOD!

Tifa: Oh! You killed Sephy!!

Cid: That joke has bin used too $#&*@#&^#@^%$ much.

Aeris: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Reno: *yells* They didn't like me! He never liked ME!

Cid: Ya did good.

[Reno and Aeris start to walk towards Cid and the others]

Reno: We had to act quick.

Cid: Shit! Ya'r O.K. by me.

Reno: Dr. Highwind, I'm sorry about your...... nephew.

All: *shudders at the mention of Cid being related to Vincent*

Cid: Vincent? Well that &*^#@%$@ 'rolly a lot happier now.

Reno: You should leave now, Dr. Highwind, while you still can. We are about to beam the entire mansion to the planet Bishounen, in the galaxy of ShinRa. Go... Now!

[Cid, Cloud and Tifa hurriedly leave ShinRa mansion. Aeris laughs as she and Reno watch the "dead" bodies of Rufus and Sephiroth]

Reno: Our noble mission is completed, my most beautiful mate, and soon we shall return to the Mako-drenched shores of our beloved planet.

Aeris: Ah, sweet Bishounen, land of Mako. To sing and dance once more to your musical refrain... To deal with that - fight, to the right...

[Scene of Turks dancing.. Now back to the two...]

Both: HAH!!

Reno: But it's the giant world MAP...

[Back to Turks dancing]

Turks: That drives you insane!

Aeris: And our world... *scene goes back to Aeris and Reno* will go to the Lifestream...again!

[Both laugh insanely as the mansion takes off for space. In the ruins, Cid Cloud and Tifa remain, struggling to move]

Cloud:

We've done a lot; God knows for how long To find the plot. I've even thought. But all I know... is down inside I'm

All: Sleeping...

Tifa:

And RPG heroes come to the save To kick some ass, to free the world. And all I know... is we are still

All:

Singing... Ohhhhhh.....Ohh.... Ohhhhhh.....Ohh.... Ohhhhhh.....Ohh.... Ahh, ahh...

Red XIII:

And playing, on the TV space Some people, are performing Heroics... Lost in time, and lost in space, And meaning....

All: Meaning.

Squaresoft,
double feature
Rufus has built and
Lost Sephy.
The Mako conquered
Cloud and Tifa.
The associates have gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Squaresoft Game.

I want to play, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Squaresoft Game.