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The Fashionable Avatar

To make a very long story short, I started messing around with ipack awhile ago and I'm at the point now where I can start making a full new wardrobe for the Avatar and her friends! I know you're all excited, especially since I've finished my first real piece of clothing.

Avatar does The Nutcracker? No, it's not the tutu. This was actually a test item, and the first thing I created. I rather like it. Well, parts of it anyhow. The bodice is cut way too short (the skirt rises too high), especially for someone with the (female) Avatar's figure. She's actually very curvy and muscular which I think is refreshing and healthy. Then again, I suppose one would have to be very buff to tote around all of that equipment. Anyway, I might edit this and use it in a future set. You can see where I took a little piece from the Ancient Armor- well, this was a test piece that I did in roughly 10 minutes and I really liked the little scarf thingy to boot. Here also begins my obsession with sparklies. I really need to cut back...

I moved on to messing with the pendants after that nasty -u bug in ipack was fixed and I redid the Fellowship Medallion to look more like the one in Black Gate! This was, admittedly, an easy edit.

Do notice the abundance of sparklies. Um...Worthiness preceeds Reward? I got nothin'...

The pendant's main color, #242 in the palette index, is actually the flashing green which shows up as transparent on shapes where transparency is on. It's obviously on for the pendant shape but there are some shapes where this is turned off (Serpent Armor, for example). I've noticed that one can switch this on and off for the shapes in shapes.vga with U7Wizard, but not for the paperdolls :(. Ah well. It looks very pretty in the game, and you'll see it in action later on.

I decided to use this transparency option to my advantage and redo the Moonsilk stockings. In this, I found out that the actual transparancy color can be rather different than the original color! For example, flashing bright yellow turns out to be that low-resolution blue that was used in the Black Gate chamber (on the back wall). I documented these colors, making a test swatch to test on the Avatar's leg, seeing how the colors looked against skin.

Original Color Transparency
--- ---
Light Green #241 Yellow
Bright Green #242 Blue
Medium Green #243 Green
Dark Green #244 Red
Light Pink #245 Lilac
Bright Pink #246 Brown
Medium Pink #247 Grey
Dark Pink #248 Grey-Green
White #249 Opaque White
Bright Yellow #250 Low-Res. Blue
Light Orange #251 Dark Green
Orange #252 Red

Interesting, yes, I know! Anyway, I used my swatch and picked out a color that I wanted to use for my stockings. They ended up looking just like this:

Hint: I used colors #247 and #242.

Thankfully, #152 (0x98), the shape that I replaced my new stockings over (take a guess as to what #152 used to be) had transparency on, so my Moonsilk stockings looked like the real deal and not some freakish disco socks.

They went very well with my new Avatar! I decided that the drab orange gear wasn't cutting it so I updated everyone's skivvies. The female version was simple- a color change to brighten up her underwear a bit. I gave different skin tones different colors to mix it up. Yet, looking at the skin tones, I realized something.

I don't know how it looks on anyone else's screen, but the darker Avatars were these shades of horrible jaundiced yellow! I figured, if I'm overhauling the wardrobe, I may as well make the gang look more natural. Then, with the skin came the heads, and the three avatar women ended up looking like this when it was all over:

Medium!Light!Dark!

Not perfect, but there's always room for a tweak or two. I probably will tone down the sparklies ^^;. You also might notice that the poor women have no arms. Well, I'm not done with all of the arms yet ><;...but really, all it is now is a matter of color change.

The menfolk had it a lot harder. I was never fond of the ultra-buff Steak McRockflank male Avatar body so I decided to tone it down a wee bit. In retrospect, I think I may have gone slightly overboard, but really, he looks very nice in clothes. I haven't even started on the heads...but his body and arms are mostly complete.

I'm seriously thinking about switching the Avatar's portrait with Andrio's, making him a redhead and naming him 'Rick Astley'. Seriously.

Poor boy has no finished clothes, though (addendum- he does now- see below). Unlike my lady Avatar who has now, her first real piece of finished clothing- a dress! I kept it simple this time 'round, and I'm surprised by the results. It's not as awful as I thought it would be and I'm actually quite fond of the color. I liked it so much, I took a screenshot of my Avatar, Giselle, wearing the dress, along with her new Moonsilk stockings and the wonderfully gaudy Fellowship medallion.

Also, she is wearing glass slippers. Those can't be too comfortable. Note the transparency on the medallion! Sparklies are present.

Okay, so she looks like she's going to the prom instead of a battle. Or maybe she is going to the prom, who really knows? Surely they had something akin to a prom in Britannia or Serpent Isle. Even a good old hoedown would suffice.

Anyway, it is a bit hard to see the actual dress. The dress is broken down into four parts; the dress body and three sleeves to match the three arm positions. Sleeves go over the dress and placing them properly is an incredibly frustrating, tedious and boring process. Whee to that. Thankfully, Exult Studio does the job well, even if the coords don't change per frame (whereas they should... ^_^). Here is the dress and the default sleeve, for your enjoyment:

This was slightly modeled after a show choir dress I own. I wanted to keep it simple.Basic cap sleeves, using arms as a template. Does it get any easier than this?

So after finishing this one, I decided it was time to give the men some of their own fashions, so they can take their honeys out on dates without looking like something from a Medieval Times restaurant. I mean, really- chain armor? That is so Ultima IV. I wanted to keep within the "Brady Bunch Variety Hour" theme, so I created a turtleneck base with a vest over it (and the obligatory sparklies are on the lapels). The pants, with matching racing stripe (sparklies) were easier to do than I thought they would be, even though I don't know how to get the shoes (white shoes with a gold chain- sparklies) to go under them, so they look a little weird together. At this time, I gave the woman some bloomers and pantyhose, which also looked better than I thought they would, and updated her shoes to plain black dance shoes.

Now that I've created pants with a sparkly stripe down the side, I can die happy. *gasp* Bloomers! The pink is actually a nice transparent brown against skin, which makes for a nice hosiery effect.

So the the basic elements of my first ensemble were complete, and all I needed were some models. The three men that were with the party currently, the Holy Trinity of Dupre, Shamino and Iolo, refused to be seen in public in that ridiculous ensemble. I tried to convince them that the street in Monitor was basically deserted and nobody would see them except for maybe that loopy Luther, but to no avail. I don't think that giving them the idea of getting the crap beaten out of them by Luther helped my case at all. There was nothing else to do but hunt up someone who was absolutely desperate.

The only secret Sethys ever had was how he managed to keep his hair so bloody perfect after those years of being locked in a freezing dungeon.

The problem was getting past the egg at the front door that turns poor Sethys into dust. The solution was easy- a little trick called "crawling out the back window". Getting Seth' to model was even easier. All he wanted in return was some food and an electric blanket. I'm sure you're all dying to see the picture, so here it is, in its 256-color glory.

Methinks Sethys is enjoying himself a bit too much.

Yay! Hiatuses are F-U-N. During my break, I directed a couple TV shows, wrote a script or two, ripped the entire soundtrack to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (one of the best movie musicals of all time! If you like...er...really, really corny musicals), worked on my KiSS set (costumes from the aforementioned movie), neglected any other schoolwork and generally loafed around.

So anyway, tonight, I made a new GUMP! I decided to mess around a bit with faces.vga and give the Avatar an all new persona...and who better to add to the front of the party than your old pal, Mariah?

Okay, so she's blooming insane.

And she has a pastry obsession.

And that raggy outfit really ain't working for her.

Luckily, that last one could be fixed, and fixed it, I did!

Featuring the lovely muddy scenery of Moonglow. Rankin's sentiments echo pretty much everyone else's in town... HO HUM indeed!

The first thing I did straight off was replace the Avatar's sprite with that beautifully dressed "entertainer" figure as seen above (the woman in purple, not the bloke with the Fellowship staff). This was done easily with ipack- just a wee sprite swap. I was never fond of Mariah's original sprite; I know she's supposed to be crazy-go-nuts, but I just don't see her as a raggy old woman. Ah well, I didn't design the game!

Unfortunately, the weapons are still not perfectly aligned with the sprite's hands. This can easily be fixed with Exult Studio, but...uh...well...I...uh...like...got other...VERY important stuff...to do...*lazy shiftless bum*

Afterwards, I redefined the Avatar's portrait by simply swapping Mariah's (#153) portrait into the female Avatar's (#000/frame 1) spot. Easy peasy, especially since the origin is 0,0! Huzzah. The results were fabulous, and here's an Exult screenshot to tell the tale.

Notice the pointer pointing to where you're supposed to look! Now that's subliminal advertising. Notice Rankin is there yet again, to reiterate that it's MARIAH you're looking at. I love how Rankin always includes YOUR NAME into his sentences. *Hello there, YOUR NAME. Nice day, isn't it, YOUR NAME? Well, YOUR NAME, it's time for me to go off and light Cubolt's house on fire in a cheerful emotionless rage. Care to join me, YOUR NAME? Perhaps some other time then, YOUR NAME.* I don't know why I just wrote that. It's 2:08 AM and I'm listening to cheesy disco. Also, the picture looks like old film here; it really looked a lot nicer before I GIFed it. Oh well. More more more, how do you like it, how do you like your LOO~OOVE...

There was one more step left; the gump. I thought it would be a lot harder than it was, but in all actuality, making the gump was easier and faster than making paperdoll clothes. For one thing, there is only one frame in the gump to deal with, whereas clothes have multiple frames to place.

Also, the rendering for the Ultima 7 gumps isn't quite as detailed as paperdoll clothes, so this turned out to be a simple job. In the spirit of the game, I designed my gump to look just like the sprite it represented, with Mariah's lovely face and hair left intact. Considering this is my first gump, I think it looks halfway decent!

Okay, so her hair looks like Barry Gibb's hair. But Barry Gibb has amazing hair! Not as nice as Robin Gibb's, though. o_o Ooh, 70's wonder hair... Okay, so it's pretty early and I should probably go to bed. 9AM German tomorrow, ya know? Hair.

And to illustrate further, here's a pic of the amazing Mariah!gump in Exult action.

Wearing authentic 'clothes that Mariah would probably wear'! *ahem* Please ignore the illegally obtained Death Scythe, leggings, spellbook, gold and reagents; those were gotten from the cheat room. The dress is legit; I pilfered it from Brita's trunk (see? not gotten by cheating, so...). Meanwhile, billions of crushed and dejected teenyboppers sob in agony as Rankin is mysteriously absent from this picture. Sorry girls! Pihswollef eht nioj!

~~~

Well, it's been a long break. During this time, I worked on my Rouge the Bat KiSS set! You can see the latest full finished outfit (set 9) right here.

Owners of the 1928 Winter Sears Catalog will recognize the outfit.  Sonic fans will recognize the model as the one, the only, the lovely Rouge the Bat! Yay. I sayd...don'we Kei? Jeff, eyu shoodn't beh jaylos! This is the ensemble, sans Rouge. Ooh, unmentionables! ^o^

Okay, so no new gump yet. Frown. No teen heartthrob Bop 16 Tiger Beat F'Ship leader for youse to peruse (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!).

But don't take down your signed posters just yet, because here he is with a little Q&A for YOU!! <3 <3 <3!!

Teen Bop Vol. 5 Issue 8 (August 12, 1981) Presents: The Teen Bop Hop: Rankin

TEEN BOP has been scouring the streets, scoping the swains and looking at lads, wondering who to interview out of all of these shooting stars! From what we've heard, the latest comet is out in the rural country, so we strapped on our Wellies and headed out to MOONGLOW for a chat with your favorite brainwashed cult sect. leader and NPC #250, Rankin!

TEEN BOP: So, Rankin, what is it like to lead the most popular cult around, The Fellowship?

RANKIN: I'm not actually cleared to answer that question...

TEEN BOP: Oh, that's okay. Can't you give us some glimpse as to what its like?

RANKIN: Yes, but then I'd have to kill you.

TEEN BOP: ...

RANKIN: ...

TEEN BOP: Oh, you weren't kidding. So, let's start with something else. Lots of girls want to know which celebrity you think you resemble most!

RANKIN: That's a hard one. I think I'd have to say that lad from The Waltons.

TEEN BOP: You'll never believe this, but in a poll TEEN BOP did last month, our readers said that you resembled John-Boy Walton the most, too!

RANKIN: Who's John-Boy Walton?

TEEN BOP: So, Rankin, it must be very glamourous to be in Ultima VII!

RANKIN: Oh yes, very! It's a funny story, really. At first, I was going to be NPC #154, and then they really screwed up the USECODE and I had to be moved down with my friend Danag to #250...

TEEN BOP: Wow, only five spaces away from the end of editable characters!

RANKIN: Yes, since the cheat menu only allots one byte of user input to decide whom to edit, I'd say we really cut this one close. (laughing)

TEEN BOP: We hear that you graduated from college!

RANKIN: Yes, that was quite a few years ago, actually...

TEEN BOP: How was the campus scene? Got any advice for our collegiate readers?

RANKIN: Well, I graduated in 1978, and you know what they say about the 70s, eh?

TEEN BOP: No.

RANKIN: Oh, well, if you can remember the 70s, you're either lying or you weren't really there. (laughing) I was really into the roller-disco scene back then. You know, it's a wonder I'm still even alive and coherent. I think I still have my McDonalds coffee spoon somewhere...

TEEN BOP: Ah, maybe we should talk about something else. Weren't you on Apple's Way?

RANKIN: That was Vincent Van Patten.

Wow! That gives us an idea! Join us here at TEEN BOP next month, when we interview the one and only, age-defying, brooding vampy VINCENT VALENTINE!

~~~

So anyway, I've got ALL NEW, experimental paperdoll art here for you to gawk at! YAY!

I decided to do away with the old bodies, in a controversial move that shook up the whole town. Mostly, I was just sick of fitting everything to three sets of arms, trying to find the origins and crashing through Exult over and over, writing everything down, yadda yadda yadda...

My mission then, was to create a body, head and arms that are more universal- each body is roughly the same size, each head is the same size and each set of arms is the same size; that way, they all share the same origin coordinates. This would make it easier to fit clothes (or a lot faster, anyway). To make things even easier, there's only one set of arms. Like I said, this is experimental, and sounds sort of iffy, but I am pleased with the end results.

First things first, however- all new body types require a new status screen! So, I designed a new backplate for the doll:

The general area of the function buttons is still the same, elsewise this wouldn't work. There is a picture of this further down.

Say it with me: AHHHHHHH! ^_^

Of course, this meant redesigning the entire menu system itself, to match styles. The save menu was first, and for the most part, it's done- it still needs a bit of button tweaking, but it's actually quite...cute. <3

Then came the dolls. I tried to keep in mind that Exult has some funky anti-alias thing going on, and running Ultima from DOS will stretch things out a little bit on the screen. I drew a head, a body and the arms:

She looks like Martika Marrero!

Of course, there are six ethnicity/gender sets (and two automatons, not pictured but finished), so here they are, all put together:

It's like an episode of The Puzzle Place...

Admittedly, the hair is a little...repetitive. However, this was experimental and I didn't want to bother making elaborate 'dos if I didn't like the results in-game. However, I DO like the results, so I'll probably redraw the hair.

This led me to something else; it'll now be a lot easier to make lots and lots of clothes! \^o^/ So, first off, I decided to do the ensemble for one of my SI Favorites: the NPC Andrio.

Opie meets Harry Potter...

Ahh, memories! Long ago, when I RPed, he was one my my characters and was put into some embarassing sitations (for nowadays, anyway). He was a bit of a drama queen and pretty wimpy -_-;;. But that's in the past now!

In terms of the game, I usually cheated him into my party and gave him Swordstrike; he is one tough cookie, and like most mages, can blink away when the situation gets hairy. Of course, you have to cheat him back in after that...

Anyway, Andrio is just alright with me. His head frames are, like a lot of NPCs, located at shape 132. This is an arrow, but since I don't usually use bows and arrows (so sue me), I replaced it with his head and fitted it.

Then I decided to do a little tribute to him, and just make his whole outfit!

Andrio and the Prisoner of Rotoluncia? Andrio and the Chamber of Automatons? Andrio and the Order of the Dotty Magelord? You get the picture!

He's equipped with a little Fire Wand, and in truth- the only thing that is really exclusively his is the purple robe. I decided to make the Chain Mail into the popular blue mage tunic, as modeled here by Stefano...

Not quite Stefano DiMera...

And I'm sure you're itching to see them, so here's the specific pieces to this lovely outfit.

For best results, rub your hands before placing chick in palm.

The purple robe replaces the red cape and is unisex. The white stockings are also unisex. For the other items, I needed a female counterpart. So, I needed a model!

Preferably one that joins naturally in the course of the game and comes equipped with chain armor.

Like a flower to a bee, like...words to a melody...of looooooo~oooove...

So, we picked up Selina! Or Selenia. Or Celennia. Or Debbie Harry. Whatever name you call her, she is still there, with chain armor (now mage's tunic) and most importantly, a specific head. This lovely lady is wearing a daring blue dress; a perfect match to the blue mage tunic that Andrio has up there. I tried to match the sprite as much as possible, but took a little liberty with her head:

I want to be alone.

Her outfit comes in three new pieces:

The hair fits flush to the body and there are SPARKLIES on the shoes. You didn't think you could get through a Fashionable Avatar update without SPARKLIES, did you?

Okay, so just to prove I'm not BSing the whole thing, here are some ACTION SCREENSHOTS!

More SPARKLIES! Ooh...

The buttons were placed in the approximate same place as the original buttons and really work! They sparkle and look squishy ^_^.

Manchester, England, England, across the Atlantic Sea...

This is Andrio, just outside the Sleeping Bull. He is not wearing his cloak, mostly because I couldn't find one ><;.

Jai guru deva. Ohm.

And Selina, with her...Blink Ring not quite on her hand, but she wouldn't let me take it off ^^;. But you can see how different the new shapes are compared to the placement of the old, neh?

So, that concludes today's Fashionable Avatar update.

Join us three years from now when we update the site again, with things that are totally different from the things promised in the last update!

---

BIG UPDATE! COMPLETE WITH OBNOXIOUS SCROLLING TEXT THAT JUST GOES ON AND ON! AND ON AND ON! FOREVER! REALLY! IT JUST KEEPS GOING, WOW! ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK AND THE WORLD'S YOUR OYSTER! DON'T FORGET CEDRIC DIGGORY! I LOST MY SHIRT, I PAWNED MY RINGS! EAT YOUR VEGETABLES! LOSE WEIGHT NOW, ASK ME HOW! MAGIC MALL AND DAY SPA SOLD SEPARATELY! COLD WATER RINSE, DELICATE CYCLE! FOR BEST RESULTS, RUB YOUR HANDS BEFORE PLACING CHICK IN PALM! PEOPLE GET JEALOUS 'COS WE ALWAYS STAY TOGETHER! DON'T OVER WATER! HIGH DENSITY! YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR! NOW YOU'RE PLAYING WITH POWER! GREEN VALLEY BOOK FAIR! HER HAIR TURNS PINK, LAVENDER AND BLUE, WITH MAGIC THAT ONLY YOU CAN DO! PRIVATE EYES ARE WATCHING YOU! AND FOR THOSE THAT TRY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU NEVER DON'T CAN'T WONT FLIP THE SCRIPT AND PROVE 'EM WRONG! GIMME GIMME GIMME A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT! ALLES GUTE ZUM GEBURTSTAG! 4 FUNNY EYEGLASSES! THIRTY-TWO FEET! CITY LIFE! GO TO SCHOOL! THANK GOODNESS FOR CHEF BOYARDEE! WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM, SPIDERMAN, NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE! YOU WILL BELIEVE IN LOVE! WAIT, I GOT A NEW FRIEND! STEVE! FOREST FAIR MALL! SEE, IT JUST GOES ON FOREVER! JUST LIKE GALACTICA 1980! OOPS, NOT LIKE THAT, MY BAD. POOCHARE. BUT THEY INSIST. ON KNOWING MY BLISS. MARCO LIKES FOAM. NEIL SCHON HATES STEVE PERRY. CHIQUITITA TELL ME THE TRUTH. DOOBIE BROTHERS FOR CARPETS GALORE. I KNOW A PLACE! LARRY GRAYSON'S FAT LADIES EMBARRASSMENT GAME! LITTLE SEARS! GIANT DEPARTMENT STORE! BASIC! YOU'LL ALWAYS SAVE MORE AT YOUR SAVINGS STORE! THAT'S ASDA VALUE! CRAZY HY'S!

OMG. We interrupt this ongoing issue of the FASHIONABLE AVATAR to bring you an inexplicable episode of...

The LOGO was brought to you by Bradlees. Not the segment.

Rankin, the Fellowship leader who's "sort of always around but not" has become something of a running gag. And you know what we do with these around here?

That's right. BEAT THEM TO DEATH.

But this is actually something...UNSOLVED and MYSTERIOUS (hence the ugly-ass logo).

Everyone and their DOG knows about the "liqueur" glitch. Everyone and their DOG also know that Justin Guarini would make it to the top ten, but that's a different, wholly unrelated story. If you are not everyone, nor their DOG, here's a primer: Balayna has caught Rankin speaking against the FShip. This is Unacceptable. He asks you to deliver a vial of liqueur to her. Do so, she dies. Ask him about it and you get an endless loop.

I'm going to bold this because it seems to be a FAQ- This is a mistake in the English USECODE and really has sod-all to do with today's update (yay!).

Okay, now on with the MYSTERY. I was going to call this one Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Zomboid Clerk. However, seeing that the aforementioned Nancy Drew does not make an appearance in this segment, it'll just be called...

The Fashionable Avatar Lays a Storyline to Rest. Forever.

For this, cheat mode has to be enabled, and you'll want the cube. And a smile in your heart. Ahh...

While visiting Moonglow in Ultima 7, I'm almost sure- no- DEADLY CERTAIN- that your #1 task is to visit the Fellowship. You probably ran straight from the docks, all the way to the other side of the island, to meet Rankin, the incredibly interesting and--

Hey, stop laughing.

Anyway, you're all just dying to mingle with the FShip, since you love the whole lot sooo much. Anyway, go up north by the Lycaeum- his house is north a bit.

Don't get too excited when you meet him. Also, don't forget to read his book (blurry-ass inset).

If he's awake, good. If he's asleep, even better, my dears. We're not talking to Rankin, we're talking to his clerk first. She's usually awake, I believe at 6 AM (yikes, I'm usually awake at 6, right before I go to bed for the night...er...day)., bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, ready to do whatever the hell it is they do over there all day. From what I've seen, it involves a lot of ho-humming and weather predictions.

Speak with her- ask her about her job, what her job is, where she does her job and who leads the meetings (they're all nice and linked up).

Um...gasp? Shock? Pufnstuf? Is this talk of turncoatism? Crazy ramblings? Liquor talking? Apologies for the Vaseline Vision.

Okay, so you know what will happen next if you've done this before. Talk to Rankin. Wake him up if you must (he doesn't mind). Confront him about her accusation. When he's done with his cop-out excuse, and he asks you to deliver the vial, say no. Oh, but he seems so sad. :( If you're in a spot where you can still see Balayna, she disappears right before your very eyes. If you have the cube, Rankin will say she's dead, dead, dead.

Now, go visit the Dead Room. Hey, there she is now.

Bugger that for a lark.

You don't have to touch her or talk to her...she doesn't even like that sort of thing. Just look quickly and shuffle back to Moonglow.

Well hey! Look at that!

Oh the bitch is back...Stone cold DEAD as a matter of fact...again, apologies for the Vaseline Vision...just pretend you're watching The Great Gatsby.

Plus, Rankin is so surprised, he STILL says she's dead. Refuses to accept it, the unlucky chap. Oh well, dear- just act normally and run away when she comes in your house at dinnertime, looking for braaaaaaaaaains.

I'm wondering why she comes back just by going to the Dead Room with no further interaction- that doesn't seem to be a normal feature (if only it were that easy, eh?)! Whereas if you just went and stoved someone's head in with a safety mallet, that person would not come back with a mere "Kiss and Ride"...

Unfortunately for you Exult players, you can't do this one, AFAIK. No way, no how...since the "dead" don't go to the Dead Room anymore. You'll just have to trust my word and the ACTION SCREENSHOTS.

However, everyone can partake in the following crazy go-nuts funtimes*!

DISCLAIMER: The Fashionable Avatar makes no guarantee that the following part of the segment contains said "funtimes" and waives further responsiblity for time wasted on this article.

Open your favorite hex editor and jump to offset 0x110C30 in the USECODE. Feel free to change the "liqueur" keyword, but it's not necessary.

Yeah, just put in whatever you want. Soz 80s soft drinks are allowed...only because there was not enough room for 'Crystal Pepsi'.

Read down a bit (from the start- if you did the liqueur thing, go up). He gives you a litany of excuses on where she might be (and where she actually is). Starting from 0x110E52, you get these remarks:

To finish off today's segment, I've taken the liberty of writing some marvellous fanfiction (your favorite) to show the readers the way things probably really should have gone. I think you will find my blending of each alternate plotline seamless and thought-provoking.

.

8½. Don't Stop...Believin' by Green Bamboo Mystery Peanut

Hold on to that feelin'. Streetlight. People. Something about Quatro? OMG PLZ R/R ASL OMG OKTHX.
WF - Esperanto - Generic/Sports Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: Swears - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 0-2-56 - Published 6-3-04

Don't Stop...Believin'

A/N: It's the heartwarming story of one lovable and handicapped Dandie Dinmont's triumph through tragedy, heartbreak, defeat and shingles. You'll be moved to tears, and later to the kitchen for a snack.

If I don't get at least 6 good reviews, I will not update this one-chapter story ever again. So please...do us all a favor and refrain from hitting the review button.

---

One fine day, Rankin sat down at his desk to work on his stand-up comedy routine. He shoved his dinner plate off the table. It broke into three really big pieces. "It will take me AGES to put this back together!" he cried. Then he started writing his funny comedy ideas.

Dear Joe Namath:

My name is Cindy Brady. I am 10 years old and in elementary school. I have a brother Bobby, and he is one of your biggest fans! There's just one problem. He is very sick. So sick, that he might even die. Or something. He is one of your biggest fans and would love to see you in person. Before he dies. Or something.

Suddenly, Balayna came in, carrying a dead duck. It was tonight's dinner. "Rankin, WTF. You totally ripped this off The Brady Bunch."

"Tell the authour that, not me," he said with an East Anglian accent. "Oh dear, I've knocked down the fourth wall again."

Then Balayna said something like "I've been gossiping about you. TTYL," she ran out of the room.

"I have to do something about that!" Rankin said. So he whipped up a batch of Sharkleberry Fin Kool-aid and put it in a bottle. "I must seal this extremely well because the poison is so deadly, it will kill anyone who inhales it within one second.". He set out to find some super strong and mysterious sealant.

Two days later, the Avatar came to town! It was oh so exciting. His priorities were straight though- to see Rankin, the Fellowship branch leader. In fact, he ran straight from the dock all the way to the other side of the island (See? I told you.). Rankin greeted him with a pleasant smile.

"Have you ever noticed that whenever there's a story about the Fellowship or Moonglow, somehow Moonglow's Fellowship branch gets a mention, but I don't?" Rankin asked. There was a rimshot in the distance.

The Avatar shrugged. "What?" Then he went to find Balayna.

"Hello," said Balayna, knitting some trousers. "I am going to gossip now. You will believe what happened. I mean, you won't believe what happened. OK. Manny got pregnant by Craig, but he's being trashed by Ashley with her grrl band, and Marco is gay." Then she said something important to the plot of this story.

The Avatar was so shocked, he immediately went to confront Rankin about her accusation.

"Rankin, Balayna caught you speaking against the Fellowship," said Avatar Lite (Spark).

"Let me tell you kids, let me tell you kids about the 1970s. You know what the big thing was? Earth tones. Four colours, ladies and gents. Burnt Orange, Goldenrod, Avocado and...Brown. None of that "Blue" shit. "Purple"? Psh. Subject to a fine and/or arrest if you were a repeat offender. No way, everything was one of those four colours. No wonder why we didn't have colour television!" Rankin said as the drummer did another rimshot. "Oh, by the way, Avatar, please deliver this bottle to Balyana. I'd be ever so grateful."

"Okay," said the Avatar.

Rankin handed him a bottle sealed with three layers of cellotape.

"Okay," said the Avatar and he set off to find Balayna.

He found her later, knitting some leather boots. "Hi, Balanya? Plz accept my gift. of kindness and geatitude" said the Avatar, utilizing only the poorest of grammar skills.

Balayna took the bottle and drank it. Then she died.

"Okay," said the Avatar and he went and did a bunch of other stuff before talking to Rankin again.

"Rankin, what about that liqueur?" he asked.

"Oh my goodness, I killed her and you are too stupid to figure that out on your own," thought Rankin before making a really lame excuse. "She is in her house," he said.

Then Balayna walked through the door. "I am back from my trip to Britain. I told Batlin everything. Rankin, you are in serious trouble." she said sternly.

"Oh GNOS!" Rankin slapped his hands to his cheeks and screamed like Kevin McAllister.

Then after she died, Rankin said that "You must find her murderer and avenge her death!" but only after altering the USECODE, of course.

Then Balayna walked through the door. Rankin commented on her appearance by saying "She is right there," then quietly went back to working on glueing his plate back together.

IT'S OVER. NOW GO WATCH PERFECT STRANGERS.

Wow, wasn't that time-consuming?

Well, I'm just going to go ahead and post this now, so I don't have to look at it anymore. There's no new paperdoll art yet, but here's some clip-art. It's a flaming toaster pastry.

Watching the wedding...ooh, she's sitting with you, but her eyes are on the door!

Okay, so I lied. Here is an...HOT. ACTION. PREVIEW. SCREENSHOT. Of the next update...maybe.

Dinner and Dancing is the new trend in Britannia. Next to fighting your neighbor over bits of land. And the plague.

And finally, to conclude this update, I leave you with this picture of the Doctor, Tegan and Turlough. The Doctor looks like he's watching a car crash (Perhaps one involving Muppets.). Tegan is 80'S TO THE MAXX (Like seriously, I would totally wear that outfit- it's HOT!). Turlough is...Turlough (which is fine with me! <3).

All together now! *portamento synth noises* WOO WEE WOOOOOO....