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An Assault on the Five Senses
"Oh WOW this PRODIGY is SO COOL. Look at those way cool awesome 16-color VGA graphics." said Peter or Edwin.
"Oh I know," began Max or Alex or Paul. "Let's play Twisted Tales!"
And so, they typed in "twised" as the JUMPword. Then someone realized there was a mistake, so they backspaced over "twised" and typed in "twisted" instead.
They began to play the fun game when there was a knock at the door!
"OH NO it is PIOUS." said someone. Edward got out his favorite shotgun and opened the door.
It was the AMERICAN IDOL 2 Brought To You By Coca-Cola Ford Pop Tarts Snak Stix Herbal Essences GANG!
"Hi!" said Josh Gracin, waving a little plastic American flag (made in Taiwan).
Edward shot him in the face. "DIE Pious Augustus!"
Ellia or Alex or Karim screamed. "Edward, you killed Josh Gracin! He was a war hero! He bravely fought on the FOX front in the 8PM time slot trenches!"
"Oops" said Edward.
Kimberley Locke shrugged. "That's okay, we didn't like him anyway."
so then...
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL EVENTS OR LOCALES OR PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL.
kthx
"OH NO it is PIOUS." said someone. Edward got out his favorite shotgun and opened the door.
It was the AMERICAN STAR 2 Brought To You By Pepsi Chevrolet Malt-o-Meal Psssst GANG!
"Hi!" said Johs Grasin, waving a little plastic American flag (made in Taiwan).
Edward shot him in the face. "DIE Pious Augustus!"
Ellia or Alex or Karim screamed. "Edward, you killed Johs Grasin! He was a war hero! He bravely fought on the CBS front in the 8PM time slot trenches!"
"Oops" said Edward.
Kimberlee Lokce shrugged. "That's okay, we didn't like him anyway."
Someone then invited the AMERICAN STAR 2 Brought To You By Pepsi Chevrolet Malt-o-Meal Psssst GANG inside for tea. "You'd better watch out!" laughed Alex or Anthony or whoever else is there. "The contestant by the name of Cory Clrake might steal your hubcaps!"
Cory looked up. "Yeh." he said.
One blonde young woman named Kimberlea Cardwell piped up. "Hi! You guys are AWESOME! Julie and I are best friends! We're not fighting!" Kimberlea then made a snarky comment about Julie behind her back.
Everyone laughed. Then a skinny lad named Cley Acorn spoke up. "I'm not in the mood for drinking tea. Does anyone have any PEPSI instead?"
Peter or Karim or someone else laughed. "No, I'm sorry, we have nothing but C*c* C*l* instead." He crossed to the fridge to take out a two-liter bottle. "Would you like that instead?"
A comely contestant- Julie Tomato- screamed. "No! They have us conditioned to drink PEPSI. Drinking anything else will KILL us!"
Everyone gasped. "That is horrible!" said someone. Then, with horror, they looked over at Ricky Smythe, who was accidently drinking a C*k*!
"NOOOO! Someone stop him!" screamed Alex or Ellia or Julie or Cley or Kimberlee or Ryan Dunkleman (who wasn't even in the room). Suddenly, someone BURST into the room! It was DUPRE of Ultima fame!
"Never fear!" he said. "I am 3rd Lieutenant Pampers! My comedy hook is that I am a grown man who still wets the bed." With that said, Dup---er---3rd Lieutenant Pampers snatched the C*k* out of Ricky's hand.
"Thank you, kind sir!" said Ricky. "Hercules! Hercules!"
Rooben, a rather large man, cleared his throat at him.
"Oops. I mean...Aladdin 2: Return of Jafar! Aladdin 2: Return of Jafar!" cheered a gleeful Ricky as he clapped.
3rd Lieutenant Pampers (aka DUPRE of Ultima fame) nodded. "I will take care of this nefarious drink." he said, then guzzled down the soda. "Oh dear, I should not have done that. Now I will wet the bed just like Fuller from Home Alone starring Macaulay Culkin."
"We're so happy, we're going to sing a medley of 80's songs!" said Carmon Rasputin, one of the AMERICAN STAR 2 Brought To You By Pepsi Chevrolet Malt-o-Meal Psssst GANG.
Then some wild synthesizer karaoke music started up as the kitchen setting broke away to reveal a high-tech stage with a giant screen displaying some computer generated music notes and birds. The gang began to sing and dance to a wildly cheering audience.
(MUSICAL INTERLUDE- 80's Medli)
(To the tune of Everybody Have Fun Tonight by Wang Chung)
(Kimberlee L) I'd drive a million miles...to be with you tonight
(Carmon) So if you're feeling low, turn up your radio. Yeah yeah...
(Everyone) Everybody have fun tonight!
(Cley) Everybody have fun tonight
(Everyone) Everybody A-CORN tonight!
(Cley)Everybody A-CORN tonight
(Everybody) Everybody A-CORN...
(To the tune of I Heard a Rumour by Bananarama)
(Julie) Who needs friends? Who never show? I'll tell you what, you wanna know
(Kimberlea C) I heard that Julie was having it off with Ryan Dunkleman the host
(Julie) I couldn't save a broken heart
(Kimberlea C) and I heard she doesn't wash her hair
(The Girls) I heard a rumor! They say you gotta broken heart, I heard a rumor!
(Julie) Yes I did boy! OOH OOH OOH!
(To the tune of the Family Ties theme song by Alex Keaton and Tina Yothers)
(Rooben) I'll bet we've been together for a million years
(Kimberlee L) And I'll bet we'll be together, for a million more
(Rooben) Oh it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed
(Both) And I can't remember what I ever did before
(just then, last years AMERICAN STAR winner, Justin Guariani, pops out of nowhere and begins to sing, to a wildly cheering audience)
(Justin) What would I do baby, without JNN? What would I do baby, without JNN?
(Rooben) And there ain't no nothing, we can't love each other through
(Justin) What would I do baby, without JNNNNNNNN...
(everyone) Sha la la laaaaaa...
The audience cheered wildly.
"WOW, that was SO GOOD" said Ellia (definitely). "OMG I have an idea" said Peter or Joe or Anthony or whoever is left. "Let's go to BRITANNIA and escort 3rd Lieutenant Pampers back home."
And so, the ED gang waited for the magical MOONGATE to open up so they could get to Britannia.
This story has just jumped the shark.
Okay.
They got there only to find the most beautiful girl in the world named Icy-Hot Green Bamboo Mystery Peanut Smith standing in a dainty seashell. She looked surprisingly mature for her 13 years. She had iridescent red hair that flowed well past her hips, and a gorgeous, petite and perfectly developed hourglass figure. Her bosoms were not too large, not too small but just the right size for a man to fall in love with. However, she felt that sometimes they were too small so she often wore a push-up bra from Victoria's Secret. However, she did not know that her bosoms were the perfect size. Yet, men still fell in love with her and she was easily the most popular girl at Hogwarts. However, she was forced to drop out of the school after Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape and Harry Potter and Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley all fell in love with her/got jealous of her and tried to rape/kill her. So she and her push-up bra magically summoned a moongate and was now hiding in the city of Moonglow, where she could blend in with the other mages at the Lycaeum and give everyone romance tips and be a best girlfriend. Everybody loved Icy-Hot! But the most perfect feature was her unusual silver eyes. Through her eyes, one could see the future because she was half unicorn, half dalek, half human. Because of her background though, she was persecuted by the evils that roamed Britannia. Since this is an Ultima 7 crossover, I guess that "evil" will be the Fellowship this time 'round (or perhaps Chuckles, we shall see).
"OMG who is that beautiful girl? I am in love with her." said one of the ED guys.
"I am beautiful but I have been persecuted so I am now a big bitch to all men so plz win my heart over ktnx" said Icy-Hot.
"OMG u wibbly bum forks get off my property" said Mariah, running out of the Lycaeum with a rifle pointed in the general directon of the ED posse, Icy Hot and the AMERICAN STAR 2 Brought To You By Pepsi Chevrolet Malt-o-Meal Psssst GANG (if they were still there, I forgot because I'm resuming this scene from a week ago and I don't really want to re-experience whatever the hell it was that I wrote back up there).
"BANG BANG BANG!" said Mariah's rifle as it fired three bullets out of its mouth. Luckily for everyone, the bullets lodged themselves into Carlyn, the friendly neighborhood tailor and bar and grill.
"Ouch!" Carlyn screamed. "See if I'll let you try my salsa fingers and barbecue grilled whiskey chicken halves now!"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" sang the chirpy waiters to the tune of My Sharona.
"I don't like chicken" said Ginny Weasley (I saw her name up there, is she in this scene?).
"OMG it's PIOUS." said Alex Roivas.
Just then, two generic and spunky teenagers who are/could be/were not roomates/relatives/friends of Alex Roivas came out from the Moonglow Fellowship Hall.
"Hi! I'm SPUNKY!" said Teenager #1.
"I'm SPUNKY too!" said Teenager #2. "We're also interchangeable!" he or she added.
They were followed by Rankin, the new Fellowship branch leader in Moonglow. "I'm not going to be making an appearance in this story!" he said with a pleasant smile.
"OMG a PARADOX." said Ellia.
Suddenly the enormous paradox that Rankin made accidently, caused a huge rift in the Time/Space continuum and busted down the fourth wall.
Now you are in the story.
"I think someone is trying to revive Xeliotath!" said Peter.
"That's Xel'lotath, you half wit." you said, mumbling under your breath.
Didn't you...? (looking straight at you)
This story is a little hard to follow.
Let's have an interlude!
$. Eternal Darkness: Another Stupid Novelization and/or Sequel by Green Bamboo Mystery Peanut
But the book wasn't like any other book.
It was the TOMB OF ETETRNAL DARKNESS.
And it held special powers. Including the power to change the world! (omg thats so deep).
But this bad dude named Pious who was a badass with a bone staff and stuff he wanted the tomb for himself ok.
So one day he snuck into the beautiful alex's home. And he saw her! and she was sooooo b-u-t-ful!
"I don't like chicken" said Ginny Weasley.
It was the TOMB OF ETETRNAL DARKNESS.
And it held special powers. Including the power to change the world! (omg thats so deep).
Ginny groaned and slapped her forehead. "Come on, guys! Let's just F3 Teleport to the damn spa. I mean, the stupid cheat mode is on! We can do what we bloody well want!"
"OMG I have an idea" said Peter or Joe or Anthony or whoever is left. "Let's go to BRITANNIA and escort 3rd Lieutenant Pampers back home."
And so, the ED gang waited for the magical MOONGATE to open up so they could get to Britannia.
"Perhaps we should fix it." said Cley Acorn. "I'm not really keen on doing that 80's medley again."
The enormous group stood over their creation. They had filled in the Ethereal Void tiles with Floor tiles.
Professor Snape stepped out of the hot tub, glaring at the group. "You heard me, you've got to magically rewind the story by using the <<REW button on the control deck of your Betamax player." He grabbed a fluffy pink towel and began to pat himself dry. "It's not rocket science."
Peter Jacob scratched his head. "I guess we should just disregard those last few lines, then."
"Precisely." said Edward. "Those were out-of-sequence events, caused by Rankin's paradox."
"My paradox?" sniffled Rankin. "But it was an accident!" Rankin looks directly at you. "You believe me, don't you?"
Maximillian Roivas interjects before you can say anything. "Hey, that's my line, you weenie Communist git." Max shoves Rankin back into his building. "Go follow the triad!" he snorted derisively as Rankin stumbled through the wooden door-shaped polygons and right through the polygon floor. The group heard a splash.
"That's not much of an insult..." began Anthony. Lakitu the Koopa Troopa hovered through the air, carrying Rankin on his fishing pole and making a continuous beeping sound.
"Speaking of which..." said Ellia. "To add that to injury, it appears our space is changing as well as time. We're now trapped in the shoddiest level in Mario Kart 64." Ellia scratched her head. "So watch your step, especially around seams and joints."
"How do we put an end to this?" asked Julie Tomato, sipping a PEPSI.
Suddenly, Justin Guariani came out from behind a big, flat, grainy and heavily pixellated mushroom that spun next to the Fellowship Hall. "Hey guys! I think I found a portal to a different dimension! Maybe they can help us!"
Paul Luther nodded. "Yes, since the author is getting tired of writing this story and listening to Joe Brown and the Bruuvers, this alternate dimension scene will probably culminate with that Professor Snape-in-the-hot tub scene we saw above." He then added "The author is also tired of ten-minute ad breaks during American Idol."
Anthony piped up. "Don't you mean American STAR, Brother Luther?"
"Yeah, that too." Paul said, rubbing his chin.
The group began to follow Justin Guariani, all while Lakitu held up a big sign that said REVERSE and beeped loudly.
"Isn't there any way to shut him up?" asked Ginny Weasley.
Alex or Ellia glared at Ginny. "I don't think you're even supposed to be in this story." she said, cattily. "The author makes no mention of you being here, and--"
Anthony interrupted with a SHUSH. "Guys, you'll make the paradox even worse if you keep that up!"
Justin Guariani gulped as he watched the scenery morph and melt all around the group. "Too late!"
The scenery changed! It was all very fluid, but a large grey grid wall fused into the wall where Rankin's Fellowship Hall used to be. Several pastel and puffy articles of clothing materialized onto the grid, and the objects around them began to morph into counters and racks.
"It CAN'T BE!" screamed Edward. "We're at the PANDA EXPRESS, purveyors of the world's finest Spumoni™ clothing!"
"But how?" said Cley Acorn, shuddering with revulsion at all of the puffy-paint zebras and polar bears who smiled at him from a pink sweatshirt that hung on a rack.
"Who cares?" Carmon Rasputin shrieked with delight from behind Cley. She grabbed a lilac giraffe-print sweatshirt from the rack. "This changes color in the sun, yo! How rad is that?" Alex, Ellia, Carmon and Ginny Weasley all began to look at the clothing on the racks as their companions watched.
"Great, now we're stuck in the Tween Girl Flick Of The Summer." mumbled Anthony as the ladies made their way to the dressing room.
The ladies then proceeded to put on a hip fashion show to the tune of I'm Comin' Out.
"Speaking of flicks..." began Justin Guariani, just about totally disregarding the ladies and their fashion parade. "You won't want to miss my summer movie, Justin and Kelly...D2V!"
"Oh?" said Peter Jacob, his interest piqued. "What does the D2V stand for?"
Justin shrugged. "Direct 2 Video," he said, nonchalant.
JNN popped out from behind a rack bearing panda-print dresses. "NO. It's a THEATRICAL RELEASE." JNN said, then buggered off the the rest of the story.
The group applauded politely as the ladies finished their fashion show, even though nobody paid any attention to them.
"I guess we should see if we can find that portal Justin was talking about," said Cley Acorn. "This place gives me the creeps."
"Right." began Dr. Roivas. "Justin, why don't you show--"
However, before the doctor could finish his sentence, an enormous tree monster bearing the face of Noah Wyle emerged from the ground and snatched Johs Grasin, one of the AMERICAN STAR 2 Brought To You By Pepsi Chevrolet Malt-o-Meal Psssst GANG into his iron grip! The acrid arbor dragged Johs into his gaping maw, snapping and snarling as he ate the constipated looking marine in one bite.
Kimberlee Lokce shrugged. "That's okay, we didn't like him anyway."
As the tree weeped back into the ground, an enormous hole opened up. It was quite a frightening hole, seamless with the surroundings yet not bottomless. The hole opened up and one could see nothing but "ethereal void"; blue pixellated stars set into jet black.
Maximillian Roivas rubbed his chin. "Now this is a popper of a problem. We obviously can't walk on this." Maxi attempted to step into the darkness, but found his progress impeded by an invisible barrier.
Rankin, still a bit sopped from the earlier events, popped out from behind the cashier's counter. "Might I suggest something?" he chirped, with a dapper smile.
"No." said everyone.
Rankin chattered along, not even bothering to listen to the others as he crossed to the strange hole. "The shape 'ethereal void' is a chunk item, with certain flags activated to make it inaccessible to certain entities or actions, in this case, progress on foot. There are two clear solutions to this problem." He mumbled, rubbing his chin.
"Who cares." Anthony shrugged. "Let's go home."
"One way is to run U7Wizard and edit the chunk item," Rankin said. "Something I personally don't recommend." Rankin placed great emphasis on himself, pointing. He then kneeled to the ground, with Max Roivas barely resisting the urge to kick him in the posterior. "The other solution then, is to find the tiles in this void marked 'floor' and walk on those." He sighed, patting the floor with his hand, looking for the magic yellow caption. "They tend to be a bit...er...sparkly, for want of a better word."
"Well, uh..." Alex tilted her head, watching the man pat along on the void. "Once we get in the pit, then what? It's obviously two-dimensional."
"That's a good question." Rankin paused and the room got very quiet. "Well, er...my guess is that there's an egg out there that, once activated, will take us somewhere."
"You guess?" Ellia asked, slightly indignant.
Rankin resumed to pat, humming softly as to pretend not to hear her.
"What about my portal?" whined Justin Guariani. "I want to be important to the plot too."
Ginny Weasley rubbed her chin, as the rest of the group expected her to say something about her dislike of chicken. She didn't. "Why don't we just edit the chunk? It'd be a lot faster than looking for something that probably doesn't even exist...and I'm pretty sure there aren't any other chunks that look like this one in the game. We wouldn't be causing any major damage."
Rankin paused. "Ah, yes, that is a rather good idea..." he mumbled. "Alright, let's do it."
And the gang opened up U7Wizard and began to edit the chunk.
BH. Limited Warranty: The Story of Chezni by Green Bamboo Mystery Peanut
The enormous group stood over their creation. They had filled in the Ethereal Void tiles with Floor tiles.
"You first." said Cley Acorn, nudging Maximillian Roivas towards the hole.
Maxi tried to make himself look dignified as he strutted towards the floor. "I'm not scared!" he boasted. "It's just a floor. You can't fall through that. Besides, it's two-dimensional. There's no falling through anything."
Suddenly, Justin Guariani shouted as the Ultima 7 style scenery disappeared, being replaced once again, by the primative polygons of Mario Kart 64. "I found my portal! Come on, let's go!"
The group muttered and mumbled angry words and obscenities as they shuffled towards the grinning curly-haired lad, gleefully pointing to a portal. Justin clapped his hands together as one by one, they stepped through the shimmering hole. "Yay, I'm important to the plot!" he cheered. "I'm not a has-been!"
"Shut up and get in there." said Anthony, who shoved Justin into the hole, before jumping into it himself.
The gang was surprised. Okay, they weren't surprised at all since the last scene was given away during the paradox-induced plot leaks. That means this is the last scene!
And that means it's time for the...
Actually, this has never before been done, but it's more fun to make like it's a regular part in these stories. Basically, we get a panel of three "celebrity" contestants to predict the ending of the story. And here they are!
Celebrity Superstar #1 hails from lots of Quaker Oats commercials and diabetic testing supply commercials and cheese fun commercials and The Waltons and stuff. Say hello to WILFORD BRIMLEY!
(applause)
Our second Celebrity Superstar has a lot of free time on his filthy hands! That's basically because he's a has-been. Or more accurately, a never-was! It's the wee moptop, Junior Healey, That Kid from the Film "Problem Child"!
(applause)
The third Celebrity Superstar carries the distinction of being "the hardest character to find in Paladin's Quest" and also "the worst translated, too". It's none other than Chen!
(applause)
Wilford's Prediction: "When I'm sitting around, moping about my diabetes and wondering when I'm going to die, there's nothing better to eat than a bowl of steaming hot Quaker Oats. Their creamy texture and classic taste warm the mouth, but they also warm the soul. I wonder if death hurts. (chuckle) Oh, you want a prediction from ol' Grandpa Walton? Heh heh. Well, I think that those Eternal Darkness kids will beat that evil Pious, and right will be restored to the world. A happy ending for all! I don't want to die."
Junior's Prediction: "I'm so sorry, Mr. Healey. I'll never do it again, ever."
Chen's prediction: "I'm so old now. I'm appear in the unarmed grapple house combat unarmed convention in time. Against Dan. And Gunnny. Good ending? No ending, okay. Zaygos is bad, he will meet his demise in time! I like Karate. I am Karate master! Hot tub."
Let's see who was right!
Batlin's eyes glowed red at the sight of Anthony holding the cube. "Thou canst use that...against me!" He started to make a break for it.
Alex Roivas grabbed the sage by the collar before he could run out. "Not so fast, lardass."
Batlin sniffled. "H-hey...that's...that's not nice! I've lost 20 pounds already thanks to my sessions at Jamie Lyn: the Club Exclusively for Women! Those names really hurt my feelings!"
"Whatever." said Alex.
"Wait a minute. I am fairly, if not completely certain that this scene was supposed to take place at a day spa with several celebrities sipping cocktails in a hot tub." Rankin said, clutching his UTW fellowship staff tightly.
"Hmm..." thought Maxi. "You're right. What the hell was that portal, Justin Guariani?"
Justin shrugged. "Like I knew where it was supposed to go."
"Lovely!" Rankin said, sincerely.
Ginny groaned and slapped her forehead. "Come on, guys! Let's just F3 Teleport to the damn spa. I mean, the stupid cheat mode is on! We can do what we bloody well want!"
Batlin eyed Rankin. "Hey, wait a minute. Thou art the lad whom Balayna said was speaking against the Fellowship!"
Rankin looked flustered. "What? That is...that is just...!" His eyes darted around the room, waiting for someone to back him up.
"See you later!" Ellia or Alex or one of Alex's interchangeable friends said as she reached for the F3 button.
"No! No, doth not leave me alone with him! Not with Hook and Forskis and--"
---TELEPORT---
The group was standing in a steamy and hot room, with wall-to-wall white and blue tiles.
Edward fanned himself with his hand. "This is a sauna alright!"
"And there are the celebrities!" Justin Guariani pointed to a hot tub. Inside the hot tub lounged Professor Snape, Sephiroth, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sailor Moon and Knuckles the Echidna. "This is like the Spa of the Fanfiction Superstars!" Justin strutted over to the spa. "I'm gonna go canoodle! See you later!"
The gang followed Justin.
"So I was like, babes, if you don't give me that ticket, maybe we can go out on a date." Knuckles laughed as he told his story. "Yeah, so I got in trouble for that one...bribing an officer or something."
Buffy sipped her Pink Lady. "That's not the worst pull-over story I've heard. The worst one, okay, like--"
"Excuse me, ladies and gents!" Karim or one of the other ED guys walked right up to the edge of the hot tub. "Think you could tell us how to reverse this paradox that made us end up in your fine sauna?"
"That was straightforward..." mumbled Ginny.
"With a straightforward answer." said Snape, in his usually stoic tone. "Just hit the Rewind button on the Beta. You'll go back to the time before all of this stupid stuff started."
"What?!" an astonished everybody asked. Professor Snape stepped out of the hot tub, glaring at the group. "You heard me, you've got to magically rewind the story by using the <<REW button on the control deck of your Betamax player." He grabbed a fluffy pink towel and began to pat himself dry. "It's not rocket science."
"Is that all?" Anthony couldn't believe the answer was that simple.
"Yeah, that's it. Now hurry up, rewind and get the hell out of here." Sailor Moon puffed away on a cigar.
After an awkward semi-silence, filled with "Um"s and "Wha"s, Alex reached for the <<REW button and gave it a press.
---REWIND---
One day the ED gang was sitting at home, playing with the computer.
"Oh WOW this PRODIGY is SO COOL. Look at those way cool awesome 16-color VGA graphics." said Peter or Edwin.
"Oh I know," began Max or Alex or Paul. "Let's play Twisted Tales!"
And so, they typed in "twised" as the JUMPword. Then someone realized there was a mistake, so they backspaced over "twised" and typed in "twisted" instead.
They began to play the fun game when there was a knock at the door!
"Don't get that." said Ellia or Alex or Peter.
"We need a plural noun and the name of someone in this room!" exclaimed Paul, who was already into the game.
