(This story is fourth or fifth in a series (can't quite remember exactly) and contains some things which might not be suitable for little ones such as..err..one or two "secret fetishes" being displayed (they were revealed in the second story!) and at least one scene with...err...Roberto in a diaper. It's sort of disgusting, so you can skip it if you like. Since it's part of a series, there might be some strange things that are in actuality, running gags. Perhaps the other stories will be up soon, but I didn't write all of them...)

---

(In the Oublie Cathedral...)

Pious turned off the television. His lunchtime break was over, as well as his favorite soap, "Passions", starring Ethan and Theresa. He took the last bite of his tuna salad and egg whip sandwich and called for his servant to take the plate away. Pious walked across the dank old building and down to the EVIL basement, where most of his dirty work got done.

"Good afternoon, sir!" called a monk, wearing black. "I've prepared the 'visitor' for you, sir." Pious enjoyed trapping guests of the cathedral and cutting them up, turning them into delicious burgers. Today, it was an Amway salesman.

Pious nodded, rubbing his hands together. "Excellent. Don't forget to keep his bag of free samples. I enjoy using that AMWAY bathroom cleanser in the bathroom! HAHAHAHAH!" he laughed and cackled. The monk nodded and walked away, leaving Pious to resume today's work.

Today, Pious had a special plan; one that would allow him to destroy the ROIVAS family and friends FOR GOOD! He reached into a small cage and cooed. "Don't worry, my little kitten. You will help me destroy the ROIVAS family and friends...for good! With this magic hidden camera, I will soon know ALL of your Magickal secrets! MWA HA HA! Then I might eat you. Num num." Pious's attentions turned to a black box, sitting on top of the cage. He laughed, slowly....then loudly...then sinister...then he stopped.

---

(Two days later, in RHODE ISLAND)

It was a beautiful autumn day, and Anthony enjoyed his time, walking home from his job as a cashier at WEIS MARKETS. "She's a maniac, maniac on the floor.." he sang softly, looking around at the colorful fall scenery. Of course, poor Anthony couldn't tell whether the leaves were red or green. Come to think of it, he couldn't tell whether his trousers were red or green, either, which resulted in a hilariously mismatched outfit (that got him laughed at during breakfast). Anthony felt something sharp in his Birkenstocks! Could a pointy twig be stuck within the fibers of his sock? Anthony looked down at his feet. He didn't see a twig, but an adorable little kitten, pawing at his foot. Quizzical, he picked up the animal. "Hello, little kitty!" he said. The kitten mewed. "You must be lost!" he continued. Anthony looked for a collar on the kitten, but found only a large, black box with a glass lens on the front of it. Anthony scratched his head. "How strange..." he mumbled. "I'll bet Edward will know what this funny box is!"

And with that, Anthony ran the rest of the way home.

Maximillian sat, perched on the loveseat in front of the television set. Today's Jenny Jones had been a particularily riveting episode; "My Pre-Teen Daughter is a Tramp, so Please Send Her to BOOT CAMP!". Edwin Lindsey enjoyed watching the pre-teen tramps, especially. He hid the TV Guide under his hat. Roberto ate all of the succulent Butter flavored popcorn from the tri-flavor popcorn tin and was begging for Alex to make some more. Mike and Peter lounged in the corner, enjoying a relaxing game of "Don't Wake Daddy". They had to keep it down though, for every time someone woke Daddy, Paul would jump up from his NordicTrac, scream and hide under the coffee table. Ellia was at her usual dance practice, and Karim was out, buying a new bed with Chandra. All in all, it was a normal, peaceful afternoon.

Suddenly, Anthony burst through the door! Edward shook his head...why couldn't he use the doorknob like everyone else?

"I have found something amazing!" Anthony cried. Everyone gathered around him to see. They watched him reach for his rucksack, slowly...the suspense growing with every second.

Everyone gasped as he pulled out an adorable kitten! After several minutes of OOHing and AHHing over the baby cat, Edwin noticed the strange black box, hanging from around its neck. "What's this, eh?" he said, pulling the kitten close so he could get a better look at the box.

---

Pious jumped back as he saw a close-up of Edwin's nose on his monitor. "This might be harder than I thought..." he mumbled.

---

"I don't quite know what it is," said Anthony. "I was hoping Edward would know!" Anthony eagerly looked at the elderly doctor.

Edward took the kitten into his hands and examined the box. His face turned from one in suspense, to one of suspicion! "I see..." he mumbled and nodded.

Peter piped up. "What is it? Is it something bad?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't know. It sort of looks like a camera.

"Oh, Alexandra!" Peter said. "How would you fit a big old camera onto a teeny little kitten?" Everyone laughed.

"I suspect..." Edward began and the room quieted. "...that this box is one of those new-fangled shocky boxes that keep cats and dogs from escaping their owner's yard!"

Mike nodded. "We used those boxes on Sparky, the dalmation at my old station!"

"It doesn't add up, though..." Peter said, scratching his chin. "If the box is supposed to keep the cat in the yard, how did it get out in the first place?"

Edward nodded. "I knew you were going to ask that question! You see..."

---

Pious beat his fists on the desk, clearly angered. "These ROIVASES are dull! When am I going to see their SECRETS?" he screamed, throwing a mild fit.

His assistant monk made an effort to console him. "Doth not worry, milord. Soon, it the storm shall approach. A storm of metal and FIRE!" he crooned to Pious.

Pious nodded. "Soon..."

---

"Oh!" peeped Anthony. "That makes perfect sense, Dr. Roivas. You're so smart!"

Edward nodded. "Why thank you, Anthony!" He set the kitten down, allowing it to roam.

"I guess the kitten is part of the family now!" Alex smiled. "What will we name it?"

"I have the perfect name!" cried Roberto. "Let's name it Duloc!"

Nobody liked that name, though.

Everyone made a suggestion for the name. Max thought "Aloycious" was a fine choice, while Mike preferred "Sparky". Paul suggested that the cat be named "Ex-Lax", but it was unclear whether that was his name of choice or if he was just screaming out for some laxatives. Peter claimed that he was partial to the name "Torgo" and Edwin said that the cat should be named "Fat Ass".

"We're getting nowhere..." Edward stated. "And nobody liked mine and Alex's suggestion of 'Crystal Light"!" He shook his head and Alex sighed. "Anthony, what do you think?"

Anthony put his hand to his chin and thought. "Well, we can just call it 'Cat'!" he said, after a minute of meditation.

Everyone liked the name suggestion. The kitten mewed and slinked up to the bathroom.

(A FEW HOURS LATER)

"Alex, you've outdone yourself!" Max laughed a hearty laugh and slapped his belly.

"Indeed" Edwin agreed. "That was the most delicious Stouffer's Lasagna I've ever had!"

Alex blushed and shyly smiled, a rare expression for her. "Thanks, Edwin. I cooked it for five minutes less than what it said on the box this time."

Roberto slammed his bowl repeatedly on the table of his adult-sized high chair. "MOO! MOO!"

Edward laughed. "He wants more!"

Alex nodded and moved to serve Roberto the last piece, but Paul forked it, defensively.

"I NEED it! I need the last piece!" Paul Luther screamed as he shoved the corner piece of lasagna onto his plate.

Alex shrugged. Peter watched with wide eyes as Paul scarfed down the slightly cold pasta. "Hey, Paul..." he started. "Don't eat so much like that at one time...you'll get fat!"

Paul's eyes widened and he ran out of the room, horrified.

"...what's gotten into HIM?" asked Peter, nonchalantly. Everyone shrugged and waited for Alex to serve that night's dessert of Sara Lee Cheesecake.

---

Pious sat over his moldy dinner of Amway burgers and Billy beer. He suddenly heard a horrible wretching. The damned Centurion looked at his video screen to see a lopsided view of the monk Paul Luther heaving the contents of his stomach into the loo! "Oh, this is good!" Pious said. He quickly scribbled into his notepad..."Paul Luther= allergic to dinner!"

--- Karim and Chandra returned from their day of bed-shopping, empty handed. The denizens of the household were winding down for the day, gathered around the television and watching that night's episode of "Full House".

"Aww, nothing?" said Edward, pouring a cup of Sanka for the engaged couple.

Chandra shook her head. "Nope!" She sighed, exhausted. "Karim wanted the Taj Mahal style bed, and I wanted the four-post bed with curtains. We just couldn't decide!"

Karim mumbled and drank his Sanka, scowling. "I hate furniture shopping!"

Chandra shook her head. "Karim's getting cranky!" She looked at Karim with a funny expression. "Time for bed!" She leaped up the stairs.

"Hubba hubba!" shouted Karim, as he chased his lover, dropping his teacup.

Edward shook his head. "Kids..."

Everyone heard Karim and Chandra, but the kitten was the only one to SEE the action. Tonight's theme? "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar"!

---

Pious adjusted his nightcap and fluffy bunny slippers, getting ready for bed. He got out his bone toothbrush and flicked on the video screen on his bathroom mirror.

Pious dropped the toothbrush, staring blankly. After a few minutes of awkward stumbling (never taking his eyes of the screen), he located his pad and pen. He scribbled mindlessly.

---

That morning, the kitten snuck all around the house and finally, into Edwin's room. Cat got a good look at the contents of his hat. As it scampered down the hall, it ran past Roberto's room and got a good look at the Italian man, struggling to put on his own diaper.

"EZ-Fit Stripes, my ASS!" Roberto screamed. His fat feet thudded and thundered on the floor.

"Roberto?" called Alex from downstairs, upon hearing the racket. "Are you alright? It's breakfast time!"

Roberto's eyes darted around the room. She must have heard his diaper struggles! "Uh...I'll be down in a minute!" He had to hurry up and get the diaper on...he had to go really bad! Just a pull here and a nip there and...UH OH! It was too late. He messed himself...and the floor.

The kitten mewed and ran out of the room.

---

Pious spit his orange juice out and all over the counter. This family was disgusting! He had always suspected that something was fishy about the architect...

---

Edward smiled and served Anthony his daily cup of Sanka. "Here you go, son! Nothing like a cup of delicious Sanka to get you going!" Anthony nodded, weakly. Edward grabbed his briefcase. "I must be off. I'm giving a speech at the local museum about human bones!"

Peter Jacob shuffled his newspaper, looking for his own article about Manatees. "Good luck, Mr. Roivas!" he said, as he raised his cup of Sanka in a salute.

Alex hugged her grandfather, setting down her own cup of Sanka. "Have a nice day, grandpa!" She watched him leave.

Anthony, Peter and Alex waited...

"Okay. Let's go." Alex dumped her remaining Sanka down the sink and the two young men did the same. Alex opened the ne'er-used bread bin and revealed a hidden Mr. Coffee machine! She quickly made a pot of Folgers and poured three cups.

Anthony sipped his cup of refreshing coffee. "Thanks, Alex. I hate Sanka!"

"Hey, you and me both, guy!" Peter agreed.

The three laughed, while the kitten watched them from a high shelf.

---

Pious smiled and laughed, evilly. "HA HA HAAAAA! This is what I've been WAITING for! This family is just swimming in dirty little secrets!" He wrote everything down in his notepad.

---

That morning, while the house was nearly empty, Ellia crept in and up the stairs. She had left her blue platform boots in her room! She was very careful not to disturb Roberto, who was engrossed in an episode of Teletubbies. Ellia retrieved her boots without conflict. Just one more stair to go, Ellia....SUCCESS!

...or was it..?

The kitten hopped away and into the study, which was completely empty...except for Alex, who sat at a desk and studied.

"This stuff is really trying!" Alex held her forehead, tense. She had been studying abstract mathematics for three hours! Time to relax...time for a Chesterfield! She lit the cigarette, careful not to spray ashes everywhere. Taking a long drag, Alex briefly pondered how disasterous it would be if Grandpa found out about her little habit. After all, smoking claimed his wife of 30 years (she died after crashing her car because she was distracted by a still-smoking cigarette on the side of the road). Alex shook her head. "Gramps'll never find out! Besides, it's just the odd cigarette!" Dismissing the whole thing, Alex dug the cigarette butt into a flower pot and buried the evidence. She returned to her studying.

Alex looked up after hearing a mew. "Oh, it's just Cat." Alex picked up the kitten and petted its head, relaxing. "Better just take off this stupid collar. You never go outside, anyway!" Alex set the heavy black box and collar onto the nearby table.

---

Pious screamed! "NO!! How will I get more SECRETS now?!" He threw a huge fit.

An assistant monk quickly came to his aid. "Worry not, my liege. Thou hast enough dirt on the ROIVAS clan! We shall go there in person and claim the mansion!"

"Yes, yes! Prepare the chariot!" Pious commanded the monk. The monk went out and brought around their Pontiac Astre. They were on their way to RHODE ISLAND!

---

Anthony walked through the door of the mansion, after a hard day of cashiering. He yawned and sat on the floor after greeting everyone. Today's Jenny Jones was "Please Makeover my Too-Trampy Mom!" and Edwin enjoyed watching the trampy moms. He hid a highligher under his hat. Mike and Peter were playing a rousing, exciting game of "Bed Bugs", which Paul didn't object to. Paul busily skiied away on his NordicTrac, while Max and Roberto watched him, pondering if they really should use it too. Edward munched on some delicious caramel popcorn, trying to help Karim and Chandra compromise on their bed.

Alex heard a car door slam from outside. "Ellia is back from practice so soon?"

Roberto shook his head. "It's not my Diapers-on-Delivery.."

Who could it be? The gang went outside to investigate!

Everyone gasped as they saw none other than Pious Augustus lounging on the front of his Pontiac Astre! The kitten leaped into Pious's hands as he chuckled, darkly.

"Well, well, well! If it isn't the Roivas clan..." he began.

Max shook his head. "Well, who else would it be...this is the ROIVAS mansion!"

"Silence, WORM!" shrieked Pious. He walked around the group, menacingly. "Hid anything under your HAT lately, LINDSEY?!" he said to the archaeologist. Edwin stammered and blushed. Pious nudged Paul Luther in the shoulder. "Eaten DINNER lately, LUTHER?!" Paul burst into tears.

Edward held out his hands. "Now, now, now, Pious! What is the meaning of all of this?" he tried to reason with the liche.

Pious smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know, Roivas...or rather...see? Well, I don't have a VCR here. So you can just READ THE LIST!!" Pious threw his notepad at the doctor.

"Paul Luther = allergic to dinner!"
"{~~]<>;l;;;~~~$%}\`````"
"Karim = Likes Disney movies!"
"Edwin = Reads TV Guide!"
"Mike = Uses Crest!"
"Roberto = Incontinent!"
"Max = Rubs frosting on toast!"
"Anthony = Dislikes Sanka!"
"Peter = Dislikes Sanka too!"
"Edward = Has briefcase!"
"Ellia = Likes 70's Clothing!"
"Alex = Smokes Chesterfields!"

Everyone huddled around the list, shocked. Pious smiled smugly as he saw their faces fall, expressions growing more and more embarassed.

None looked so disappointed as Edward. Alex looked at his expression. "Grandpa! I'm...I'm sorry...I know you hate smoking...especially after... but I--"

"How COULD you?!" Edward yelled. He shook Anthony by the shoulders. "Doesn't like Sanka...?! DOESN'T LIKE SANKA?!! ARGGGH!!" He shoved the hapless Anthony onto the ground. Anthony sobbed.

Peter scratched his head. "We're sorry, Dr. Roivas...I guess we should have said something about the secret coffee pot earlier..."

Edward slapped his forehead and sank to the ground, sobbing.

Mike snapped his finger. "Hey! How did you get this information, anyway?"

Pious smiled and stroked the kitten, who mewed. "I'm so clever, you'll never find out, EVER! EVAHHHH!!"

"I think I know!" cried Roberto. Everyone looked at him. "Pious has implanted a secret camera into every room of the house! He's got the place bugged!"

"But how...? We've got a security system around the front!" Maximillian exclaimed.

Edwin shook his head. "He must have magickally bypassed the security system!"

Pious slapped his forehead. "IDIOTS! The cat! The camera was on the cat!"

Everyone laughed at him. How would you fit a big old camera onto a teeny little kitten?

THE END