The ETERNAL DARKNESS GANG throws a TELETHON!!

This is the same series as the previous story I had posted...but was written earlier, making it like, second in the whole series. Some day, the entire thing will be posted as one story. Not today, though. In my opinion, it's not as good as Secret of the Cat, but I also think it's doubly bizarre... lots of random events --- in the words of Kryten: "Time is occurring in random pockets! The laws of causality no longer apply! An action no longer leads to a consequence!" --- this includes at least one "Roberto is an adult diaper enthusiast" reference. Also includes Paul Luther and Anthony wearing bell-bottom trousers, singing about "Stranger Danger".

Inspired by that one episode of Full House where the Tanner family is in the telethon because they're God. How else can you explain why the Tanner family did bloody EVERYTHING and lived in this house that was a tiny townhouse on the outside and a sodding mansion on the inside? Double bonus points to the git who finds the other (blatent) sitcom reference.

---

One day, the whole gang was sitting around the Roivas Mansion, watching the EMERSON television. Alex Roivas brought out a plate of Tang and Sno-balls, but nobody liked Tang (except for Peter so he drank all of it) and Sno-balls. It was a rainy, grey day outside. Regardless of the poor weather, everyone's spirits were high; Anthony even looked moderately alive!

Edwin streched his legs out on the chaise lounge in the corner. "My goodness, Anthony! I didn't know your hair wasn't black!" he exclaimed. "...but your cardigan does not match your blouse. Did you dress yourself this morning?"

Anthony nodded, sheepishly. "Yes. These items are new, and I have not sewed the color-coding buttons on yet."

Everyone laughed. "Anthony has to sew buttons onto his clothes so he doesn't mismatch! He's such a baby!" cried Karim.

"No, I'M the baby!" hollered Roberto, followed by a hearty laugh. He then rubbed a Sno-ball onto his greasy chest.

Everyone's laughter was interrupted by a loud SHUSH!

Alex glared at the group. "SHUSH! I am trying to watch Jenny Jones!" She scowled as everyone's attentions turned to the television.

"Today on Jenny Jones, we're going to talk about the devastating effects of Maple Syrup Urine Disease, or MSUD. Later, we are going to get Rude Jude out to talk some sense into some slutty girls."

"Maple Syrup Urine Disease!" Paul cried. "That sounds so horrible!"

Edward nodded. "Yes, it is far, far worse than the medley of diseases that I have. Arthritis, Alcoholism, Glaucoma, Diabetes, Anthrax..."

"Yes, it is awful!" Mike scratched his chin, in a scholarly way. "I wish there was something we could do."

Everyone thought, wondering what they could do to stop this disease.

"I GOT IT!" cried Paul. "Let's put on a talent telethon!"

Everyone agreed that it was a very, very good idea. Everyone that is, except for...

PIOUS!

Pious rubbed his chin as he listened in to their conversation from outside the house. "Those do-gooders are up to more good-doing! I hate them all! How can I stop them...heh heh...those talented two-shoesies will soon become horrid hacks! MWA HA HA! I can't let John...or anyone else for that matter...discover that key. Damn you, Brandon...what are you hiding from me? Soon, the little hotsy-totsy Latina Lover Theresa Lopez will be MINE! HAHAH!"

Ellia, returning from her dance practice, tapped Pious's shoulder. Pious jumped a mile into the air! "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "You're trespassing on private property!"

"J..j..j...just pruning the roses. Heh heh." Pious nervously laughed.

"Okay, whatever. Don't get hurt." Ellia walked into the house.

TWO NIGHTS LATER...

The gang was in a tizzy, preparing for their "DILUTE MAPLE SYRUP URINE DISEASE FOR GOOD! '88 Telethon" (the '88 was a mistake). The host Karim and his cohost fiancee Chandra didn't seem nervous at all. Karim was more preoccupied with his CREST Whitestrips. Everyone else was very nervous, and the backstage area was flooded with the sounds of rehearsals and even arguements!

"Those are MY red bell-bottom trousers! Yours are green!" Paul cried, shaking his fists at Anthony.

Anthony scratched his head. "I'm sorry, Paul. I couldn't tell."

Peter chuckled. "I guess it should have been obvious from the waistband! You HAVE been packing on the pounds as of late, Paul!"

Paul screamed and ran out of the room. Peter shrugged.

Alex, who had finished rehearsing her touching song about MSUD (to the tune of "Livin' La Vida Loca") ran into the room. "It's showtime, guys! Let's go!"

Everyone worked at double speed to get ready! Paul stuck his finger down his throat, grateful that he wasn't up first in the talent telethon. Up came tonight's dinner of Catfish! Down the bog it went!

Pious watched from a secluded corner of the backstage area. Soon, he would make his move!

Karim said his opening speech and introduced the first act. Maximillian came out with his 50 trained dogs. They did a wacky dance! Then Max ate the dogs, one by one.

Next up was Ellia and her "Traditional Cambodian Pole" dance! The men ate it up and they got several calls asking her for a date!

As the calls and money racked up on the big number board, Pious waited to strike...

Mike and his band were next. They sang Wesley Willis's hit song "Rock 'n Roll McDonalds". Mike only forgot the words twice.

The next act featured Roberto, doing a sexy belly dance for the ladies! His hypnotic belly-jiggling coerced many viewers to call and donate money! It also encouraged others to go out and strangle loved-ones.

Karim introduced next, an act, featuring Paul and Anthony. Paul pushed Anthony around in a shopping cart, singing a song that also warned others. "Don't ever go and look at strange men! They might gonna rape you, oh-ho-oh!" Afterwards, Anthony held a giant lolly and did a lovely buck and wing routine. Unfortunately, right before the big finish, he slipped on some residue left behind by Max's dancing dogs and had to be carted offstage by the backstage paramedics. Marcy, in the audience appreciated the song and averted the glare of the strange man sitting three rows in front of her.

Right before Alex came on, she was confronted by Pious.

"Hello, Alex. How about some lemonade?" Pious offered the cup to her.

Alex smiled politely. "Why, of course, Pious!" She drank the contents of the cup. "It's a little sour!" She scowled and walked onstage.

Pious laughed loudly...and evilly. "HAHAHAHAHHA! When Alexandra sings, she'll be in for a big surprise! As will the audience! MWA HA HA! Don't worry, Nicole. I'll give you everything you need. Heh heh. Stupid Roivases! How can I ever get Sheridan back?" He sat back, smugly, and watched.

Alex began her song, backed by Edwin on the clarinet. "MMH MMH MMH MMH MMH! WAWAWA! ERRRGGGH! NUNUNPOOPOO! UH WEEDA OOHCA!" she sang. Alex was horrified! The lemonade was not lemonade...it was sour LEMON EXTRACT! Her voice is ruined!

Karim ran onstage, terribly humiliated. "Listen, audience...huh huh..." he began. "We're not trying to make a mockery out of this horrid disease...."

But it was too late. Everyone called and took their donations back! The telethon was officially a bust.

Pious came onstage, cockily. "You losers thought you could beat me! You'll never be victorious to the awesome powers of...XEL'LOTATH!"

Edwin tilted his head, confused. "I thought it was Ulyaoth this time."

"No, no. I'm sure it was Chattur'gha." said Peter, upset that the world didn't get to see his amazing ferret juggling routine.

Pious clutched his pelvis staff. "It hardly matters! You losers thought you could stop me!"

Edward looked icily at Pious, enraged. "This was designed not to stop you, but rather, a horrible disease that strikes baby mennonites! You horrible man!"

Paul nodded. "Baby killer!" he added.

"Oh." Pious stared at the floor, ashamed. "I feel really bad now."

"WOOBA WOOBA OO!" added Alex. "MMK MABBBBBBBY OOPOOPLOO. AHH HHHAAAAAA MAAAAAAAA VA!" Pious looked up and nodded. "HOOOO HOOOO HOOOO AHHHHHH." Alex said, gently. "Now let's go before it closes." She concluded, her voice completely restored.

Everyone cheered, even Anthony, now sporting a large welt on the back of his head.

"Good plan, Alex!" Everyone whooped and exclaimed, before carting off to the local burger joint.

THE END

Allow me to introduce myself, they call me Professor Coldheart.