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The Cosmic Forces Have Spoken

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Submitted By: Alias Thomas N. Beaumont
Date: Tuesday December 2, 1997
Email: death@another-world.com
Web Page: The FortuneCity Intelligence Agency

Dear Psychic:

What is the meaning of my life (as opposed to other peoples) and when do I get parole from this godforsaken prison planet?

It doesn't take a psychic to answer the first part of your question - What is the meaning of my life as opposed to other peoples: I'd have to say that by being opposed to other peoples, your life is probably pretty much filled with discontentment, anger, maybe even extreme dislike! The meaning to your life? - Don't you mean the meanness to your life you meany!

As to, "....when do I get parole from this godforsaken prison planet?" Being in a prison state of mind consider this. The Big Guy considers it a capital offense to not capitalize the "G" so methinks you may be in line, sooner than you think, for a horizontal transfer from an alias life also, Alias!

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Previous Psychically Mis-Informed Winners!

Submitted By: John
Date: Wednesday October 29, 1997
Email: JD@aol.com
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

(\/)y imaginary friend Luwanda has been pushing me to make a sexual commitment. And I don't know what to do. She is very persistent and says she is gonna leave if I don't.

What do I do???

In my trance state, I am having a vision of whiteness, whiteness everywhere, which represents pureness, virtue and healing. I also receive the impression of a very successful commitment, one that will quiet your imaginary Luwanda's demands.

John, this is what you are to do, listen to me, this is Luwanda speaking: When the men in white coats come, just lie down and let them put the jacket on you - I'm really into bondage! And at the hospital do as they ask and take the anti-psychotic medication, it will pacify the voices of me you hear inside your head and lull me into a lover's sleep. John do you hear me, John?...John?...please take the pills John!

Submitted By: Spanky
Date: Thursday October 9, 1997
Email: jabbertome@geocities.com
Web Page: Spanky's World

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

My hand puppet likes to clog dance in the nude. Should I be concerned?

Only if he decides to start wearing spurs then I'd not only be concerned, but also terrified. Clog Dancing, Who are you kidding? You should be ashamed of yourself, making the poor little guy perform in this way to satisfy some deep, dark se-ual void in your life. The "Screaming" psychic impressions I received from him were most distressing. You not only deprive him of his little outfit, but make him wear garters to boot. Don't you see what you are doing to his esoteric psyche - You must stop treating him like the Marv Alberts of this world immediately and please, for his sake - Stop demanding the lap dances, you keep forcing his little head against the underside of your desk!

Submitted By: amy
Date: Thursday October 9, 1997
Email: arog3941@uriacc.uri.edu
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

2?

Yet another cryptic psychic question to cause a northern shift in my psychic shorts, how cheeky of you! How's about a cryptic psychic answer?

If you really need to know Y, don't ?, he doesn't know anyway. U already know the answer so YRU going to gang up on him, 1? should suffice anyway. After trying to figure all of this out, U-R-Hello-2-?, He-Before June-B-not unable-2-HELP-U-Not in!!!

Submitted By: crystal
Date: Tuesday September 23, 1997
Email: siz10@usa.net
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

B or S??????

From a truly physical perspective, I believe that you can't have one without the other, unless of course the you put the B after the S, therefore B is no longer full of S and S is no longer relevant to B for the time being! The psychic impression I received while reading your question however, pointed me to the numerological arena where B=2 and S=9 or TWO NINE when we re-convert this back to a strictly alpha interpretation. From the letters contained in TWONINE we can now form the words NO WET IN, a reference to your bed I assume, because it was while you were sleeping that I received a flowing stream of telepathic transmissions as did your bed also receive a flowing stream. Sorry to hear about your little accident, might I suggest NO DRINK ANYTHING before bed. This is undoubtedly the advice you seek as these letters, when converted to the numerological system and then broken down to just two letters comes out to T or P (Thirst or Pee), we both now know that for you, it has to be one or the other.

Submitted By: Kim Stokes
Date: Sunday September 14, 1997
Email: kjs1@mto.infi.net
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

I am a registered nurse and I was wondering how crazy patients always seem to know when it is the change of shift? This seems to be the time when they are either incontinent of urine or stool or both, pull out any type of line they can, or go wandering down the hall naked. Yours sincerely....Kim

There's really nothing either psychic or psychotic indicated here. I can only therefore provide an explanation in the form of a question to you, based on my experience:

Dear Kim RN:

I am schizophrenic and was wondering, I think, or was that the voices again, well anyway, I was wondering how nurses would know it was the change of shift if patients such as myself didn't provide them with timely reminders such as:

Wandering down the hall naked to as a reminder that you neglected to do my physical assessment because you were much too busy completing the paperwork that states you did my physical assessment!
Defecating all over myself which is only a continuation of the treatment I have received in the hospital thus far!
The removal of lines, catheters, etc...to remind you that they have been left unattended for the whole shift, because you were much too busy completing the paperwork stating that protocols for their use and maintenance were in effect and being followed!
And finally, If you don't wish to see my urine, don't ask "How are wee doing today?

On second thought, maybe your question is related to the realm of the Psychic, being that "Health Scare" providers evidently provide "Psychic Treatments" as they look up from all of their paperwork for a brief instant to project a dose of medication or is that meditation?

Submitted By: Liat
Date: Wednesday September 10, 1997
Email: mirandee@netvision.net.il
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

Who is my perfect man? Should I cut my hair?

His name is Gaylord Fakawa and he is a transient mayonnaise farm worker in the south of France, who is also indecisive about cutting his hair. You may have seen him in the National Enquirer, he is the man with the world's longest nasal hair who can sneeze on command by tugging on his golden locks (We won't discuss where the color comes from!). I have the psychic impression that the two of you are astrologically aligned to one another and therefore should be ideal soul mates. A word of caution though, you may want to trim your hair a little bit , maybe even braid it up and tuck it back into your blouse, under your arm pit as Gaylord also has a tendency to not watch where he is walking and accidentally may pull your shoulder out of joint.

Submitted By: Tiffany Kostyk
Date: Monday August 18, 1997
Email: blizzardbunny@hotmail.com
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

Greetings from Manitoba, Canada, buddy. (but you probably knew WHERE my location is right? right.) SO , I'd like to know: IS THERE A CHANCE THAT THE TWO OF US CAN HOOK UP?? LIKE, SAY FOR DINNER AND A MOVIE? Can you see this vision, Mr. Illegitimate Comedian?

Greetings yourself, finally. I had trouble making a psychic connection, got a wrong number in Montreal where I got sworn at, I think, in some funny jargon, got re-routed somewhere around Thunder Bay, Ontario and bounced back to Duluth, Minnesota before finally asking for psychic directory assistance. But anyway, I did have a vision of us hooking up but not for dinner and a movie. We were at a Jets game in Winnipeg, seated behind the bench, sharing a hot dog and a Molson's when out of nowhere a psychic puck came flying over the psychic bench and struck you right over you psychic right eye causing one hell of a psychic gash. In this vision I turned my gaze from your profuse psychic bleeding to search for the direction and source from where this shot came only to discover it was my girlfriend who delivered the shot and was setting up to take yet another one in our direction - She's psychic too with no sense of humor (Psychic or otherwise) and has one hell of a psychic slap shot!

Submitted By: Fish
Date: Thursday August 14, 1997
Email: Fish@TheFunnyBone.com
Web Page: The Funny Bone

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

I'm thinking of, er.. psychically projecting, if you will, a number between one, and three hundred, eleventy bagillion, two hundred thirty two billion, six hundred fourteen million, nine hundred seventeen thousand, eight hundred and twenty one.

so, can you guess what I had for lunch?

(pssstt.. the number I'm thinking of is 2, and my breath smells like tuna)

<*}}><

Isn't it amazing the things that can happen when one is in tune with the "Psychic Powers That Be". Before you even thought of your questions, or before you even realized that you were going to think of anything for that matter, I had already transmitted via telepathy the answers to you. I had gotten the distinct impression that you were experiencing one of your many memory lapses brought on by lack of brain to the oxygen and psychically projected to you the suggestion that you try to remember the most important, meaningful, satisfying and moving event in your life - Hence the number 2. And while you were yet connected to the fragmented remnants of your life's high point, I psychically suggested you examine the causes of this moving experience - Hence your thoughts were of food, then logically to lunch, as you had just arrived at your work and were making plans for your ambitious work day ahead. And finally, yes, I had received the strong impression that your breath does in fact smell like tuna but unfortunately before I could connect with what you were going to experience for lunch, the vision faded and left. I would look into the tuna thing however, thanks for sharing that!

Submitted By: debra
Date: Thursday July 31, 1997
Email: debrak@msn.com
Web Page: None Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

When and how will I lose the 30 pounds my doctor says I need to lose?
What about my love-life? Is this cool guy I met on the Internet for real???

I see your weight loss and meeting "cool guys" on the Internet as being interrelated. I'm seeing you seated in front of the computer, staring with intensity at your monitor, waiting for the next instant message from a chat line to arrive. As you are engaged in this all to frequent activity, I see your left hand making frequent trips to bags of junk food, reaching for candy, soda or whatever tasty tid-bits you use to fuel your energy level for this activity. I'm getting the clouded vision of you walking a great distance to meet someone - A clouded vision usually means that it should but probably will not occur in the future. The visions are gone now but the suggestive impressions that linger are: 1) To successfully lose the suggested weight, you are to turn off your computer immediately and get some exercise. You are to leave the house and start walking in search of meeting new people, including possible "cool guys" and Oh! yes, leave the junk food at home. 2) In regard to your question as to the young man's "realness". Yes, he is real debra, he is really, really altogether totally real, you could say bigger than life itself, or bigger than a life should be, but unfortunately has asked the same questions and received the same advice as you have. The only thing "cool" about being overweight and out of shape is the resulting drop in body temperature related to premature non-existence. Besides, I don't think you'd really be interested in meeting someone who shares in your "Really well rounded traits" at the present time now, would you?

Submitted By: Steven H.
Date: Thursday July 17, 1997
Email: ttc13531@taconic.net
Web Page: Not Listed

Dear Mr. "The Illegitimate Comedian" Psychic Sir:

How many fingers am I holding up?

I am getting the impression that you are "left handed" however it is your right hand that you are referring to. On this hand I see just one finger, the longest one, pointing up to the heavens. I am also getting the impression that you use this finger frequently, as an expression of both your intelligence and as a digging impliment for your nostrils. Your left hand is now coming into view, it is searching for something, something small but important to you under your desk. My advice is to refocus the efforts of your pointing finger to seek out numbers from a phone book. Seek out an electrolysis expert and also have your vision checked as you may wish to have a palm reading in the future. This will allow you to see your way safely to the palmist's location and make shaving unnecessary before a reading.




Communications

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