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The Latest - Jake's Shorts:

Seems our poor old President Bill "Bubba" Clinton is receiving quite a bit of embarrassing "exposure" these days in the press with his alleged "Loose Zipper Problem" and all! His staff, advisors, wife, etc... are all now scrambling to cover up this mess. Seems to me someone should have told him long before that his fly was down, but then again maybe it was just his presidential way of informing the American Public that he is thinking of re-instituting the "draft!" They say "Loose lips sink ships" but there's nothing like an unzipped zipper to expose the "crooked members" of political office for what they really are!


Jake's Shorts:

So now some scientist wants to clone a whole human being. He says he wants to make it so an infertile couple can have a child with the genetic makeup of one or the other. Bad idea, I mean, what if the kid turns out rotten, the parents can't blame each other anymore - This would sure put a monkey wrench into the machinery of already sparse marital communication!

Jake's Shorts:

I read in the newspaper that in the rush to open a shopping center in time for the Christmas gift buying season, the sign maker made some mistakes and displayed the word "Maul" rather than Mall. If you ask me this guy had this one right but his other errors may need some changes. To point to the offices of the mall's management, a sign was placed which read, "Communeications, Cecurrity, Fist Raid & Mall Adminatraitor." This sign business listed the guy's name followed by the words - Signs and Such. I'd just love to see one of his trucks, if he did the sign could it possibly read - Sines Suck, which would be a true advertisement!

Jake's Shorts:

I see that OJ's lawyer is back at it again, this time defending a professional basketball player who threatened to kill, choked and then returned again to take a swing at his coach during a practice session. The young man was fired from his team and suspended by the league for one year but the defense feels this is too harsh a penalty! They maybe right - The coach should have been given a free throw for the thrown punch and the player shouldn't be punished at all for choking under pressure.

Jake's Shorts:

I love to see Christmas time roll around. That means that any day now the stores will be putting up the St. Valentine's Day displays.

Jake On Justice:

They say Justice is blind. Yeah!, and stupid too. I read in the newspaper where some homeless guy was tried, convicted and sentenced to four years in jail for constantly being a public nuisance. Turns out the poor guy was always trying to get arrested because he needed a place to live and thought jail would be a good place. And they say crime doesn't pay. Not only does crime pay, but it also offers free room and board!

Jake On Hunting As A Form Of Birth Control?:

I read in the newspaper some self-deluded NRA yahoo proclaim that, "Hunters are wildlife's best friends." He says that hunting isn't about killing or having fun, it's really about concern for the environment, planned parenthood and birth control, "We save the animals from a lot of suffering due to overpopulation and starvation. Me, my whole family and all of my buddies truly enjoy providing this service for Mother Nature" Well Mr. Yahoo, Mother Nature appreciates your concern and good deeds provided for the benefit of her children, but asks that you carry food laced with birth control into the woods instead of guns, ammunition, gutting knives, rope, camouflage, deer calling devices, etc... Seems her children's hearing is shot from your current birth control methods - And you wouldn't want your furry little friends to not be able to hear you coming to help them now, Would You!

Jake On Marv Albert Again!:

What is it with this guy, he won't stay out of the public eye. Now he's granting interviews on TV, Radio, and in Magazines and Newspapers. Marv, do yourself and us a favor please!...for God's sake - Get off our backs! You've made enough of a fool of yourself already. It's time to forget about your ego, accept what is and "bite" the bullet. You aren't going to find the support you're looking for from the public, suggest you look in your dresser drawer next to your panties instead and find a nice, strong garter belt!

Jake On The Court System:

What a joke the criminal justice court system is. I read in the newspaper about a murder that is witnessed by three other people and the accused even confesses to the crime. When it goes to trial, the jury cannot consider the eyewitness accounts due to a legal technicality and the confession is thrown out because the accused was not properly instructed about his right to have an attorney present during questioning. Now, because of the lack of evidence the result is a hung jury and a witnessed, admitted murderer is allowed to go free! Seems to me, the jury shouldn't be hung, unless it's a suicidal act brought on by their depression because they were forced to release a guilty man. It's the court system itself, along with the Judge and Attorneys who should be swinging at the end of a technically taunt rope, right next to the technically innocent man. And what about the dead victim, or is this person not really dead, just technically dead, and is there a difference from this person's perspective?

Jake On Marv Albert:

I'm not a sports fan so I feel no particular alliance to Marv Albert or his being the best in the business. From what I've recently learned he just sounds like another wealthy, pushy, back-biting media maniac who would have been a hell of a lot better off if he had stuck to just sound-bytes instead. No doubt he is successful at what he does and the saying, "Behind every successful man stands a woman" comes to mind when I think of him. I must point out that had Marv observed the positional perspective of this saying, he wouldn't be in the mess that he now finds himself in - Yessssss!

Jake On The Presidential Member:

What a hoot, Paula Jones, the young woman who is suing President Clinton for his alleged se-ual indiscretions and inappropriateness, wants him to expose his private parts to support her claim that she can prove her charges via her identification of his crooked member. Just what the he-- is this really going to prove anyway. I mean, the President is a politician right. Whether we look at his member, a member of his Cabinet or the member of any political office or party for that matter, I think we'll discover them all to be crooked. Seems to me, the real challenge here would be to find a straight shooter!

Jake On Freudian Psychoanalysis:

Well, it's been well over one hundred years since Sigmund Freud started this whole line of happy horsesh-t. Society today is sicker than ever and I wonder just what part Sigmund's "couch" thingy has played in the causes of society's ills. The way I see it, only the wealthy, influential and powerful people can afford to engage in this form of alleged treatment, which they do in numbers as it's also a trendy thing to do. And correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these same people the ones who call the shots or create trends in society, the: Celebrities, Legal Professionals, Business Executives, Politicians, etc... The point is, that for well over one hundred years, the wealthy, influential, powerful and famous people of the world have been spending their time on some couch somewhere, learning to blame everything on their mothers, and these same people in turn make the rules or create the trends in society, a society that continues to spiral downward toward the fires of hell. I can't help wondering if Sigmund Freud had taken up fishing instead of psychoanalysis, maybe we'd now all be better off. At least we'd not be placing our mothers on the proverbial hook! As it stands now, our mothers created the societal mess we try to function in, and if they are in fact responsible, I say "Let's do away with Mother's Day - They Don't Deserve It!"

Jake On A Flat Federal Income Tax:

I see where there's talk again of re-shaping the structure of the U.S. Federal Income Tax Code. It's being proposed that everyone pays a flat 17% of their income to the government, rich and poor alike, no more complicated tax forms needed. I like the idea but think an additional 1% should be added to provide a square deal for the resulting flat tax experience of all those once well-rounded IRS Terrorists, Tax Attorneys and CPAs who now know what it's like to be flat broke. And while we're being so geometrical, what about giving H&R Block a Federal Grant to get into another line of work being that their services would now be H&R Block-Busted!

Jake On Politicians:

I've often wondered why a politician is said to, "Run for office" at election time. Seems to me he needs to save his energy for running for anything until after he's elected. After his constituents realize what a con artist he is, making promises he had no intentions of keeping, etc..., they may decide to give the bum a, "Run for their wasted money". Show me an honest politician who makes no promises and I'll show you a loser at the polls. But show me a person who you shouldn't trust to sell you a used car and I'll show you an elected official. But remember, "Your vote counts" and "The check is in the mail!".

Jake On The Tyson/Holyfield Fight:

This whole Mike Tyson thing wouldn't have been so bad if Evander Holyfield had been more of a societal outcast such as a criminal; Then Tyson could have claimed he was only, "Taking a bite out of crime". I will say however, that Tyson has given a whole new meaning to the word, "Ear Ring". Well at least poor Evander didn't have to worry about a "Ring In His Ear" after a particularly hard punch, just stepping on "His Ear In The Ring".

Jake On Education:

The president wants to have all American school kids tested so that the educational system is better able to understand where their strengths and weaknesses are. I think this is a good idea as long as the kids' teachers are also tested. Since most learning seems to come from watching the no-brainer crap that they put on TV, let's first test all TV executives and writers to determine first if there is even anything to work with in terms of improving their minds or lack there of. And secondly, before any sort of written test is undertaken, pass out the little plastic urine cups for specimens, to determine how much they already know about chemistry, I'll guarantee that this will turn out to be one of their greatest strengths and weaknesses!

Jake On The IRS/Credit Card Payments:

What a sweet deal the IRS has. They take a cut from every paycheck and because they're bad in math, they make you re-calculate your tax obligation on their ridiculously long and cryptic forms, only to find out that in most cases you still owe them more. Now they're encouraging you to pay them by credit card - I guess they figure plastic cards don't bounce as much as rubber checks and plastic is a substance that they can identify with in the sense of their rigid, anal-retentive personalities. But watch out IRS, if a person pays for a defective product or service with a credit card they simply call the card issuer to suspend the transaction until the defective product is replaced, service satisfactorily completed or cancel the transaction entirely. If I were the IRS, I'd be a bit concerned about my math deficiencies and the defective product line I'm selling. I for one, intend to pay my taxes with my American Express card and cancel the service transaction unless the IRS at least does their own damned paperwork! Thank you American Express, "Don't Pay Your Taxes Without It!".

Jake On Beepers:

I tell you, things are really getting crazy with all the electronic gadgets they have today. I was visiting at my daughter's house and was out in the yard helping my 8 year old grandson and one of his little friends repair a flat bicycle tire when this beeping sound starts. My grandson's friend grabs a beeper from his belt, carefully looks at it and announces that it must be 5 o'clock, his mother just beeped him to come home for supper. I asked him why he just didn't look at a clock and keep track of the time and he informed me he didn't know how to tell time yet. I wonder if this kid's mother also beeps him in school to tell him it's lunch time and does he beep her to remind her he has little league practice after school.

Jake On The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe/Lack Thereof On Earth:

I'm glad the government scaled back funding for SETI - the search for intelligent life in the universe, now if they'd only do more about creating it here on earth. I read in the paper where some idiot electrocuted himself by cutting through a power line with scissors. He wanted to reduce power to his house so his kid couldn't play the stereo so loud. His wife told the reporter that she tried to tell him to use the rubber handled scissors but he couldn't hear her because of the loud music, and couldn't say anything else because of the shock of the matter. I wonder whose shock she was referring to?

Jake On Supply & Demand:

The economy is driven by Supply and Demand. This term used to be defined as how much is available to sell and how much we want to buy. Today it is defined as how much banks make available to lend and how far into the hole we want to dig. The banks however, control both sides of the transaction, they'll supply the credit as long as we meet their demands, and use the "Installment Contract" as a sort of ransom note.

Jake On The Appeals Process:

They really have to do something to limit the number of appeals a convicted individual can file and put our court system through. But then again it's said, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again". I bet this little ditty was thought up by an Appeals Lawyer while waiting for a stalled petition to go into motion.

Jake's Shorts:

I always feel a little less safe on the street when the school year begins. Not because all the kids are back in the classroom but because all the cops are also there to control them.

Jake's Shorts:

When I really get disgusted at the lies and dishonesty of the politicians in Washington, I think of the Pinocchio effect and wonder who's face is buried beneath the Washington Monument.

Jake On "Past Due Notices":

Don't you just love the utility companies, their billing systems are always screwed up with your payments not showing as being received, which leads to the "Past Due Notice". Whenever I receive one I write back: In regard to your "Past Due Notice" please be advised that in the future I would expect you to send a notice out in a more timely fashion!

Jake On Medical Studies/Warnings:

Seems like every time you pick up the paper, some medical study warns us that something else is no good for us and this makes us worry and feel anxious. I guess this is just wha t you would call, "Health Scare" and it seems to me that their warnings should be labeled as being, "Hazardous To Your Mental Health".

Jake On The UPS Strike:

The UPS Strike is over and I read a headline that said, "UPS Back". But the company estimates they've lost 5% of their business to "Back UPS Carriers" because of the walkout, and as many as 15,000 workers are still laid off due to lack of business. Seems to me that the headlines should read, "UPS DOWN", but at least the company color of Brown is symbolic of their projected economic picture.

Jake On Cellular Phones:

I read in the paper where some young guy was trying to call his girlfriend on his cell phone while driving his car but couldn't get a good connection. He got so mad because of the constant static that he drove his car head on into a telephone pole stating that he'd already shaken his phone to no avail and decided to shake the pole to try and improve reception. The end result was that he dropped his cellular provider for poor service and his auto insurance company dropped him for poor driving. With this sort of logic we can only hope this young man never becomes a commercial airline pilot with a shaky connection to the control tower!

Jake's Shorts:

From the moment we're born we begin to give wrong answers in "The Test Of Time". Sure wish they gave a make-up.

Jake's Shorts:

I dread going to work with the UPS strike going on because it just means more work for us USPS employees. We have to pick UPS where they left off.

Jake's Shorts:

I think Jake Jr. is starting to get serious about his girlfriend. Yesterday he came home with one of those "rings through his nose" and looks like a marriage feels.

Jake On Marital Spats:

Ever notice that after you've won an argument with the wife, she sulks off somewhere only to emerge looking gorgeous, her face adorned with just the perfect combination of cosmetics - That's why they call it "Make-Up".

Jake's Shorts:

Jake Jr. has finally applied for a job but is worried about the mandatory drug test he has to pass to be hired. My wife Shiela in her motherly innocence, tried to reassure him by offering that he would have no problem passing and was probably qualified to teach the course. He stormed out of the room stating that he didn't want any calls, no visitors and wouldn't leave the house until the day of the drug test - I guess he's cramming to test clean or doing more research!

Jake's Shorts:

To pick the best political candidate, choose the one with the cleanest knees. And never vote for the incumbent, they've already shown us what we can do with our polls.

Jake's Shorts:

I get a charge out of the health nuts who get vitimins, health food and health-related products through the mail. My question to them is this, "If these things are so good and your lifestyle is so health-related, then how come you don't walk or jog to the store to get them yourselves?" Sort of like buying snow shoes for a walk in Tahiti!.

Jake On Telephone Psychics:

I received a call that pitched a free reading from a 1-900 Psychic line once and in a moment of boredom called and received advice that was 100% accurate. The young lady informed me that the reading was free but the call would cost $2.99 per minute. Oh yea, she also said I would receive bad news in the mail which turned out to be the phone bill and to expect a visit from a stimulating stranger, turned out they share their contact lists with some company that sells vibrating beds. I thought about calling Madam Sabrina back to tell her to also expect bad news in the mail and a visit from a captivating stranger - I had the credit card transaction canceled by way of the Attorney General's Office, but I'm sure she already knew this, being Psychic and all.

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.....This is Jake.....This is Jake's favorite place to deliver mail. He is a character I made up who has experienced just about everything life has to offer (At least in his own mind). Everyone should be able to relate to Jake as I'm sure we all know someone (Or someone knows us!) who has the answer for everything. For the purposes of giving Jake life, I imagine him to be a 55 year old married man, married for 32 years to his High School Sweetheart - Shiela. Jake is employed as a Mail Carrier by the U.S.P.S. and delivers mail to an inner-city, mixed socio-economic area in which he also lives. Jake has worked for the postal service for 34 years which decreases credibility in his frequent experience-related advice as this time frame does not allow for his stated experiences related to other occupations, etc... Jake and Shiela have two children: Jake Jr. (A "Professional Student" for twelve years now who lives at home) and Donna (A married homemaker who lives in the country with her husband who farms). Jake always precludes his final tidbit of so-called advice with, "Take it from old Jake, one who knows the value of a free peek at nothing".



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ABOUT THE MATERIAL -copyright © 1997, 1998 all rights reserved: All material is original (To the best of my knowledge) and is the property of - ME. To send a message, make arrangements for use and/or whatever, you can kiss my rosy red butt at: Ye Old Circular File
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