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This page is inspired by the greatest stand-up (When able) comedian dead or alive (With him it's the same) - Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney, the "King of the one-liner" (That's all he can remember) is my GOD!, but then again I'm an atheist. Eat your heart out Rodney, If it hasn't quit yet!

Rodney Graphics, Wave File & Joke Of The Day copyright © 1995-1998 Dangerfield Entertainment all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.
PRE-QUALIFICATION: If you're looking for a fancy page with all of the new features: Java applets, animated GIF's, MIDI music, etc...You'll have to go somewhere else. This page doesn't do much of anything, just sits there - Just like Rodney.

Click here for Rodney's Joke Of The Day.

Now For The Material Rodney Wishes He'd Written

Sorry folks, censored for prime time, use your imagination

LATEST FRESH PICKED CORN!..... Whenever I raised my hand in class to answer a question, the teacher made me go to the bathroom.
I tell ya, I never got no respect. My parents used to send me away to summer camp for two weeks every winter.
I never got no respect. As a kid, I took a personality test. I was encouraged to cheat to get a passing mark.
People have the wrong impression of me regarding booze and pot. I only tried marijuana once, but didn't exhale.
I overheard my wife telling my daughter, "You have your father's eyes but don't tell daddy, he already hates Uncle Frank as it is".
I don't even get respect in marriage. I noticed my hair was getting a little thin so I bought some of that Rogaine to have Edwardo, our personal masseuse rub on my scalp. After a couple of weeks I noticed a big difference - My wife's hairy b--bs and a--!
My wife accuses me of only saying "I Love You" to try to get out of something. That's not true, I say it to try to get into something too!
I tell ya, my parents never loved me. The only time they ever paid any attention to me was when I had Chicken Pox - They played connect the dots.
I tell ya, I just can't win. I found an ad for a "Do It Yourself Legal Kit" and sent away for their free 30 day at home trial. Now I got 2 lawyers, 12 jurors and a judge staying at the house until the end of the month!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She told me to pick up my room first, take out the garbage and put up this "Room For Rent" sign on my way out.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle had a surgery to correct his blindness. He asked that I be the first thing he sees when the bandages came off. He took a look at me and asked the doctor to reverse the operation.
My mother in law said the other night she was thinking of volunteering at the grammar school, that because of her life experiences she could teach the young ladies a thing or two. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea - There's enough child pregnancy already!
I tell ya, my wife gives me no respect. I pleaded with her the other night for a little tenderness. She kneed me just south of my zipper....Boy was that tender and sore!
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him to play catch with me in the yard, he threw a stick and made me fetch it.
As a kid I asked my father why I didn't have any brothers or sisters. He said after I was born my mother didn't have time to work the streets anymore.
My old man was cheap I tell ya. As a kid I needed art supplies for school, he gave me a half used gallon of paint and a roller.
With my old man I got no respect. He'd take me deer hunting, tie antlers to my head and make me wear a brown furry coat. I hated being shot at but he'd say it takes a "Little Doe" to make a "Few Bucks!" Even he'd take a shot at me after reloading with frequent slugs of beer!
My old man was mean I tell ya. I was one year late starting school because he didn't want me to have shots - He said he didn't want to waste his liquor!
As a kid I didn't get no respect. My old man taught me to hitch hike and sent me with out with a bag of candy to attract strangers.
I tell ya, my mother in law is drawn to complaining like a moth to a hot light bulb, and looks like she got stuck to it for too long - Face first!
When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the Freak Show at a carnival, the guy said, "Hey mister, how much you want for the kid?"
My wife just did something real nice for me to improve my health - She gave up cooking!
I tell ya, I just can't win. When I was dating, everyone always would say, "She'll make you a nice wife!" They were right too, she doesn't do nothing - I gotta do all the cooking and cleaning!
When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the lake to go ice skating for my first time, there was a sign that said "No Skating - Thin Ice" which had me worried. My old man said it didn't apply to me because I wouldn't be skating, I'd be falling!
I tell ya, I don't get no respect. The day before Christmas I had an appointment with my doctor. He told me that drinking was destroying my liver, handed me a bottle of scotch and wished me a Merry Christmas!
My wife is easy I tell ya. We were walking down the street and some guy dressed as Santa Claus shouts "Ho.. Ho.. Ho". My wife turned around three times.
I asked my mother in law to help me stuff our Christmas Stockings. Everything she put in turned old and wrinkled.
I don't get no respect. I tried to join Gambler's Anonymous, their number wasn't listed in the phone book - It was anonymous too! Their listing said "Bet you can't find us."
I tell you, even at Christmas I don't get no respect - I give a gift, the other person never likes it. Take my kid, last year I gave him a B-B Gun with BB's, he gave me the BB's back, one shot at a time.
My wife loves Christmas, she says "Christmas is the time for giving." Problem is she shares her Christmas Spirit twelve months out of the year with any guy that want's to get into the Christmas Spirit!
Last year I was sick at Christmas. My mother in law caught me under the mistletoe so I had to kiss her. She gave me tongue!
In grammar school I got no respect. My teacher made me sit right in front of her. She made me sit on all the apples she received to make cider.
Even at Christmas I don't get no respect. In her ceramics class, my mother in law made a figurine of me squatting down. She uses it to top her Christmas tree!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man where babies come from. He said most babies are brought by the stork but I was dropped by a flock of pigeons.
I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood, crime was the major industry and everyone had a part in it. Me, I was trained as a look out. Whenever I left the house my old man would drop garbage out of our fifth floor apartment window and yell - Look out!
My mother in law is a pack rat, she never throws anything out. She has a leaf pressed between the pages of a diary she kept as a young girl. The leaf is considered a fossil and the Smithsonian wants the diary for their "Dead Sea Scrolls" collection.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me. I wound up with my mother - She lost by TKO in the sixth round!
My wife complains that I never get into anything Christmasy. I told her I tried to once with a girl named "Holly" and got slapped in the face.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I was kidnaped and the kidnapers called my old man to discuss the ransom. They wanted five thousand dollars but settled for six-pack and a bag of chips with the stipulation that they keep me until his baseball game on the radio is over.
When I was a kid growing up in New York I got no respect. My mother sewed labels in all my clothes in case I got lost. She picked the name and address out of a phone book from Wisconsin.
I tell ya, this guy was stupid. His wife asked for a kiss under the Mistletoe, he asked her to take off her shoe and lift her foot.
My wife says she wants to spend Christmas this year somewhere where it's cold and snowy. I suggested that on Christmas morning we break open a few pillows in our bedroom, it's the coldest room in the house.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I got lost in the woods on a Boy Scout camping trip. My old man suggested starting a forest fire to flush me out.
I had it rough as a kid I tell ya, even the grammar school I went to was tough. In the third grade I was picked to be in the Christmas play - I was one of the Three Wise Guys.
I tell ya, I never got no respect. I remember getting lost while shopping with my mother as a kid and wound up at the Lost And Found. She came by and claimed a pair of gloves.
Me and my wife had a fight over her spending too much money. She says to me, "It's only money, it doesn't go as far as it used to and doesn't buy happiness." So I says, "No, but I'd at least like a few minutes of pleasure, here's five bucks, just like the old days!"
My wife asked me what I want her to put in the stocking this Christmas. I suggested a leg attached to a willing body.
With me nothin goes right. My doctor told me a little wine before dinner will help clear the meal from my stomach, so I told my wife. He was right too - That evening she whined and complained so much, I threw up!
I tell ya, nothing goes right for me. I walked into a restaurant and told them I had "reservations." The maitre d threw me out for insulting the place.
I tell ya, my neighborhood was tough...I was in a restaurant - on the menu they had broken chicken fingers listed as an appetizer.
My mother in law told me she wanted a new pair of slippers for Christmas. I just wish I could find a pair that lived up to their name, especially at the top of a long flight of stairs!
I tell ya, my old man was cheap. As a kid I'd leave milk and cookies out for Santa Claus, my old man left a can to collect payment.
I had it rough as a kid I tell you. We were so poor we couldn't afford a Christmas Tree. My old man made me stand in a corner while my mother taped Christmas Cards to me for decorations. When she ran out of cards she hung laundry!
I mean this guy was stupid. His wife told him to "make the bed", he wound up with a sexually transmitted variety of Dutch Elm disease. He told his doctor he should have put on a "Bed sack" first!
Blind dates never work out, I always get losers. They fixed me up with a professional girl, said she was in Electrolysis - She still had half of her mustache left!
They say you can't meet anyone decent through the personal ads. - That's not true. Why if I didn't call the number I found on a men's room wall, I wouldn't be married today!
The old ball and chain asked me what I'd like to find wrapped and tied under the tree for Christmas. I told her "Her Mouth!"
I was born in a small town that developed it's own "Theory Of Relativity." Leave a brother and sister in a room alone, nine months later another relative emerges.
I learned to tell time at a very early age. I knew when it was time for lights out by the number of empty beer cans at my old man's feet.
Boy was this couple stupid. They had a fight but didn't know how to make-up, they went to a Mary Kay Cosmetics Party to learn how.
For me nothin goes right. My psychiatrist told me I needed to go and find myself - Which is his way of saying...Get Lost!
I was going over our Christmas Gift list with my wife and commented about the expensive gifts she had listed. She said, "Christmas is the season of giving - Tis more blessed to give than receive!" So I said, "Who are you trying to fool, you give out twelve months of the year. And as far as being blessed, hell they should make you the patron saint of motel rooms!"
I tell ya I get no respect anywhere. I was in a bar and asked for a double scotch on the rocks. The bartender poured the drink in my lap!
Even as a kid I never had any luck. One time at Christmas my mother took me to see Santa Claus, I sat on his lap, got real excited and pis-ed my pants. That year I didn't even get coal in my stocking - I got sponges.
With my wife, it's tough to save a buck. Last week I tried to put something away for a rainy day, she went out and bought a designer rain coat for two thousand dollars.
I spotted my wife's car in the parking lot of a downtown motel this afternoon and caught her coming out of a room with another man. She swore that she didn't sleep with him and I believe her - She was much too busy to take a nap.
I don't get no respect with parties either. When my wife threw a surprise birthday party for me, she told me in advance but not the guests. She had to take them by surprise so they'd show up.
My mother in law was in a "holier than thou" mood and criticized me for my drinking. She said in all her years she never once got stoned. So I said, "That's because you had a good hiding place, they couldn't find you during the witch trials."
When I say I'm lonely, I mean lonely. I bought an inflatable woman once to take to the drive-in movies so I wouldn't be alone. I went to the can and when I came back she was gone. She ran off with my spare tire in the trunk.
My nephew was feeling sad because he couldn't get a date for the prom. My mother in law pipes in, "In my day, a man just did what he set his mind to do." So I said, "Yeah! But I don't think it's legal any more to hit a girl over the head with a club and drag her away!"
My wife went on one of her cleaning binges and threw out a bunch of my stuff she said was old and just laying around. So I helped her and asked her to give me a hand with the couch where her mother was sleeping.
In my neighborhood I get no respect. They had a block party and placed Porta-Toilets in front of my door so I couldn't come out.
My wife and I had a huge knock down, drag out fight over her mother the other night and she said she wanted a trial separation. I told her she'll get one soon enough after I'm tried and convicted for murdering the old witch.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect anywhere. I went to a church service and dropped a check in the collection basket, they asked me for three forms of ID!
My wife's always on my back, nagging and complaining. But I won't stand for it anymore - I just lie down and take a nap till she's finished.
Now with hookers I don't look for the fancy, classy call-girl. They're all call-girls to me anyway - You should hear what they call me when I call on them!
Me and my wife use a guaranteed form of birth control - Nothin happens till she makes the first move.
I tell ya though, my wife keeps the romance alive in our marriage - she still hits on me. Why, just the other night she punched me in the mouth when I asked for a little tumble.
With my mother I got no respect. As a baby I wasn't breast-fed...She threw the legs and wings at me instead!
I tell you, my old man was tough but he did watch over us kids. As we were still unconscious from being disciplined, he'd watch our breathing till we came to.
Now with hookers I never had any luck. I asked one girl if she wanted a good time. She said sure but she'd need fifty bucks. She took the fifty and went to Disneyland!
My wife, what a conniver. When we were engaged she said she was willing to give herself completely to marriage. She just didn't say whose!
I tell ya, if I had a quarter for every time my wife did something nice for me, I'd put a down payment on a Thank You card.
My wife's into this thing where if she gets something new, she doesn't want it to look new because if it looks new, everyone will know you got something new and will ask questions. Then she shows me the smashed fender of the new car I just bought for her.
With my daughter I get no respect. My wife asked her to be more patient with her father. She says, "Patient, I've been waiting to meet him since I was born."
My wife prides herself with being a person with simple tastes. She's always telling me she enjoys the little things in life, that's why she married me.
I tell ya, I get no respect at all. I went into a restaurant and had to "Wait To Be Seated." They made me take dinner orders from five tables before I could sit down.
My wife is always in a mood, says she's just about had it everyone. She's right too, the only one's she hasn't had it with, she hasn't met yet.
With my kid, it ain't easy. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he said he wanted to be just like his father, whoever that is.
My wife said to me the other night she used to be a classy, hot number before she married me. I said, "Who are you kiddin, you still are. Your number's still listed in the best men's rooms around town."
I had a fight with my mother in law who says I'll miss her when she's gone. So I says, "I miss you now - Every chance I get!"
I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. As a kid I ran a lemonade stand but had to close it down. I couldn't keep up with the protection payments to the cops.
I don't get no respect from anyone. I had a sleeping problem, was tossing and turning all night, keeping my wife awake and so I asked my doctor if he could give me something to help us out. He gave me his address and told me to give it to my wife, now she sleeps with him every night.
I had it rough as a kid I tell ya. When my parents went out and left me with a sitter, they'd tie me up in the yard with the dog.
When I was a kid, I got no respect. My mother told me that at first I caused morning sickness which spread and caused a permanent pain in her a-s!
I tell ya, when my old man taught me a lesson, it came right from the soul. The sole of the shoe that he threw at me.
I tell ya, my kid is dumb. He's thinks he's a computer hacker and wants to spread a virus. I caught him yesterday sneezing onto his modem then sending out bulk emails.
When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my old man I wanted to learn to be a plumber just like him. He used my head as a plunger to unclog the toilet.
My mother in law, now there's a piece of work I tell ya. She refuses to wear slips any more because she says everything already has!
I tell you, my old man was a pervert. He got drafted and wound up as a Private in the Army. They booted him out for being too private in public.
With my old man I never got no respect. My school had a father and son picnic, he took my sister!
It's no use I tell ya, I just can't win. I received a free sample of hand cream in the mail, the post office wanted me to grease their palms with $2.50 postage due.
With my old man, I didn't get no respect. I asked him to play pitch and catch with me in the back yard, he made me hold a garbage can while he threw empty beer bottles at it.
I tell ya, this woman was ugly. She went to a plastic surgeon for a consultation, he advised her to put a black plastic bag over her face and leave it there.
When I was born I got no respect. The doctor tried to hand me to my mother saying "Look what I found!" She refused to take me saying, "Finders keepers!"
I tell ya, my marriage is a 50-50 proposition. Half the time I wish I never proposed and the other half I'm wishing my wife would propose divorce.
I tell ya, my mother in law isn't happy unless she has something to complain about. When she's feeling sad she visits me to lift her spirits.
I don't get no respect at all. When I was born, my mother tried her best to push me out while the doctor tried his best to push me back in. No wonder I don't know if I'm coming or going!
My wife complains that I talk in my sleep. What does she expect, I mean, it's the only time she shuts up and I can get a word in.
I don't have any luck at all. I was having my vasectomy done and was slipping in and out of anesthesia when I overheard the surgeon in anger telling a nurse, "My wife is fooling around on me and when I catch the guy, I'm going to cut his......Oops!"
I don't get no respect at all. Before my operation, I heard a nurse say to my doctor, "Sorry about Mr. Smith yesterday. Your arthritis seems better today, can you hold the scalpel or should I try it again?"
My wife I tell ya, she's quite the little amateur Magician. She plays tricks on me and turns them for most everyone else.
I don't get no respect. Every time I get in the elevator, the operator says the same thing, "Floor please?", and hands me a mop.
I don't get no respect. I went to buy a suit, took one off the rack and told the sales girl I wanted an alteration. She told me with a face like mine I made the right decision and that the pants would fit better after the swelling went down.
My wife asked what I wanted for my birthday, I told her lessons to improve my "short game." She said, "With all the practice you get alone in the bathroom, I'd think you'd have it down to a science by now."
With my wife, nothing is wasted. When the knees of my pants wear out, she makes me a pair of shorts. When the bread goes stale, she makes me a sandwich.
I tell ya, my old man was tough. He caught me swearing once and told me I'd better watch my mouth. He even made it easier for me to see, thanks to his fist and the resulting swelling.
When I got married, I found out that my life was now a fifty/fifty proposition. She gets her way fifty percent of the time and I don't get my way the other fifty.
I live in a tough neighborhood, even the police won't come here. Why, the last time I saw a police car drive through, it was being driven by the eight year old girl scout who stole it.
Click here for more Rodney "Wanna-Be" Material


That's all the corn for now, I ran out of oleo. My wife won't let me use the "High-Priced-Spread" because the last time I did, she caught me on "The Strip" with some bimbo named Buffy on my lap. Come back in the near future for more Rodney "Wanna-Be's". In the meantime, follow the links below.

Here's The Real Deal

Click here to visit Rodney's Home Page and show him some respect
Rodney's Joke Of The Day (Updated Daily, If Rodney Updates): One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

Lets Play Top That!: I get tired of begging so I thought I'd play it cool, let my wife make the first move. She called from Miami and asked if she had any messages.
PLEA! - Click here to help me make Rodney keep his promise!
DISCLAIMER - This page and material is not affiliated with Rodney Dangerfield or Dangerfield Entertainment in any way - Hell, he might just want to sue me. I just happen to like the guy and thought I'd give him a little respect. Also, while I would be truly honored (And richer!) to be able to call Rodney "Father", I'm just one of the millions of other poor slobs out there that has to be satisfied with calling him a "Moth-r".



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ABOUT THE MATERIAL -copyright © 1997-1998 all rights reserved: All material is original (To the best of my knowledge) and is the property of - ME (Unless otherwise noted). To send dis-respect, make arrangements for use and/or whatever, you can kiss my rosy red butt at: Ye Old Circular File
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