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More Rodney "Wanna-Be" Material
Me and my wife can't agree on anything. She believes that astrology can forewarn her of trouble
in her future where I believe that the stars only appear after trouble has already struck. Such as a
lamp to the back of the head.
I caught my wife fooling around, when I confronted her she said, "Marriage is an institution, an
institution that requires compromise and commitment." So I said, "Yeah!, you're doing enough
compromising for the both of us. And I should be committed to an institution for marrying you
in the first place."
When you get married, you learn a lot of things. My wife has made me realize the true meaning of love, and boy do I miss it. She's also shown me that without marriage my life wasn't complete - Now it's over!
I tell ya, this kid was ugly and scary. On Halloween all the neighbors rang the kid's doorbell and delivered treats. They didn't want the kid to know where they lived.
The girl was ugly. Her family was so glad I dated her, they signed over the house as a dowry and suddenly moved while I took her to the movies.
I get nothing but grief from my wife. I was trying to explain a few things about my computer, like the difference between a floppy drive and a hard drive. She pipes in, she says, "Oh! I get it, like you as compared to a man."
I tell ya, my wife, she's on a new health kick, she's staying away from fat completely. I'm just wondering how long this is going to last, I'm enjoying the single life again.
Yesterday my mother in law calls and asks me to give her a ride to drop off her dry cleaning as her car broke down. I tell ya, that was a good feeling, taking her to the cleaners for a change.
I tell you, I don't get no respect at all. Last Halloween we weren't at home to pass out candy to the Trick or Treaters and returned to find the house covered with toilet paper. It wouldn't have been so bad but the paper had been used first.
You don't know who to trust anymore. I had to take my wife's car to some moron's body shop because she had an accident and dented a fender. The guy said he'd have both fenders match exactly so you couldn't tell the difference, have it ready tomorrow and gave me an estimate of forty bucks per pound, which didn't make any sense at all. I went to pick up the car the next day but nothing was done to it yet. So the guy takes a hammer, hits the good fender five times and says, "That'll be two hundred bucks."
I tell ya, I'm not the jealous type, I don't mind it when my wife checks out other guys. I just wish she wouldn't check in with them.
The other day I told my wife, "I lost my wallet, I'm very depressed." She said, "You're depressed, how do you think your moths feel, they've lost their home."
I tell ya the remote control to my TV is all screwed up. Last night whenever I pressed the Mute button, my wife fell asleep. Tonight I'm going to try the Recall button!
My wife's looking for a way to put the magic back into our marriage. She's always trying to make me disappear.
Me and the wife were having problems so we went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor said that marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle with worn pieces not fitting right and scattered all about. I told him he hit the nail right on the head, I'm worn out trying to find a piece while she scatters them all around town.
I tell ya, it's tough to get old. I asked my doctor about a ringing inside my head I was getting and how to get rid of it. He said not to worry, it will stop when the caller realizes nobody's home.
I never was a ladies man. When I was in High School I couldn't get a date for the prom and had to ask "Gert the Guppy." This girl was ugly, she looked and smelled like a fish. I had a good time though, I played right along and drank like one.
I tell ya, I get no respect at all. I was drowning and yelling to the lifeguard for help. He swam out to me, told me to "keep it down" as he pushed my head under the water.
Last evening I pointed out to my wife that's it's been months since we had relations, she agreed and promised to take care of it right away. That night we had her mother over for coffee.
My wife uses her own form of birth control that works like a charm. She comes to bed wearing a face mask of her mother.
With my wife I don't get no respect at all. Ever since I told her I want to be cremated when I die, she keeps a pile of wood and a can of gas under a tarp in the back yard.
I tell you, it's tough being me. My wife's idea of making love in unusual places means anywhere in our home with me.
I tell ya, nobody gives me no respect, not even my dog. The dog farts, he blames me, so does everyone else.
I don't get no respect. I accidentally inhaled some chemical fumes in the garage, couldn't breathe and my wife called the ambulance. On the way to the hospital the guy in the back with me lights up a cigar and offers me one too.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck with my wife around. Why the only thing she ever saved was her virginity until she turned eleven.
My mother in law said to me that I'm lucky my wife married me, she had plenty of prospective husbands lined up. I told her I knew my wife used to be the entertainment at bachelor parties, that's where I met her, I was right behind my soon to be brother in law.
I tell ya, I got no sex life. Me and my wife got into some heavy petting the other night. Boy did the dog get excited.
My wife was complaining to me the other night, she said she wishes I could be better with my hands around the house like her first husband was. So I said, "Give me time, he was married to you longer. My vision is just starting to get blurry and my palms are getting peach fuzz."
My mother in law got a little tipsy and told me that from now on she'd treat me better, just like her own son Frank. So I said to her, "Thanks but no thanks, that poor confused bas---d is still trying to guess who his father might be.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He has the cat scratch at the door to go outside to the bathroom, the dog uses the litter box.
I tell ya, I'll never get ahead. They say that behind every successful man there's a woman, but I can't turn my back on my wife for a second.
I tell ya, my dog is hopeless. He used to sit in front of the mirror for hours, looking at himself and barking. So I put a picture of my mother in law over the mirror, now he sits there for hours whining.
The other night I woke up to find my wife on top of me, boy did the earth move I tell you. Hey, if it weren't for earthquakes, I'd get no action at all.
My wife always does something to get me PO'd. The other night I had a fight with the dog. She took his side and told me I was a bad boy right in front of him, now he doesn't respect me either. He still fetches the newspaper for me though, after he's used it first!
When I was a kid, I was poor. I asked my old man for braces because I had buck teeth, he pushed them back in with his fist.
My old man, boy was he mean and rotten, but he did have a soft spot for animals - Freshly turned earth in the back yard!
My wife said to me that she's thinking about going back to work, that we could use the extra money. I told her it's OK with me, but pick a better corner this time and raise her prices.
My wife's a bad cook. I don't say Grace before dinner, I pray for my survival. And I don't have a cocktail before dinner either, I wait till after and get loaded to help kill the pain.
Before I got married, my wife told me, "I'm not putting out until after we're married". We got married, I still wasn't getting nothing so I asked her about what she said. She says, "I'm putting out all right but I never said anything about YOU putting in."
I went to my doctor for a physical, he told me I'm starting to get hemorrhoids and gave me a tube of cream to rub on the source of the pain in my a-s. I told him it wasn't enough, I said, "But Doc, there's not enough in this tube to even cover her face!"
It's tough being me I tell you. My wife was in the mood for a little Chinese take-out the other night. I caught her downtown with some short guy named Wang.
I tell ya, nothin goes right. I sent away for a genuine Swiss movement watch, paid fifty bucks for it. Some guy named Sven sends me back a ten dollar Timex covered with s--t!
My old man wasn't able to find a "Direction in Life" until the day I was born and he got his first look at me. He left the hospital, took a left out of the parking lot and headed west towards Egypt in search of a job as a self-made Eunuch.
I tell ya, cleanliness is important but some people are too clean. Take my uncle Louie. He used to take from five to ten showers a day. He died from having no skin, all his organs fell out onto the shower stall floor. He always said, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" and for him this came true. His compulsive cleaning got him a pre-mature seat next to the Big Guy before he had a chance to rinse and dry.
Well, at least my wife approves of my interest in home computers, she even encourages it. She's always telling me to go play with my "Floppy".
I tell ya, my wife is selfish. She treated me to a restaurant where she had a coupon, buy one meal the other gets half off. When dinner came, she took half of my food and put it on her plate.
I tell ya, me and my wife are total opposites. I come home to get a little peace and she comes home after giving it.
I tell ya, nothin goes right. I tried to get into a gay bar and they proofed me at the door. As I unzipped my wallet, the bouncer unzipped my fly.
I was begging the old ball and chain for a little action and she says, "Your problem is you don't know when to quit." So I says, "No, my problem is that you don't know when to start."
The other night I wound up in a gay bar, advertising ladies night, during their happy hour. Boy was I confused but I tell you, they gave me respect, they treated me like a queen.
Last week my wife told me, "If you didn't spend so much time in bed, you'd have more time to do things with your friends." I said who are you kidding, "If you didn't spend so much time in bed, my friends would have more time to do things with me."
Last week I stayed out late with my friends and came home to my complaining wife who said, "I've had it with you and your friends". I said, "Stop bragging and tell me something I don't already know!"
I tell ya, even my dog has better luck than I do. I can't seem to get a leg up on anything but he doesn't have any problem.
This girl was fat. Why, when she wears fish net stockings, it looks like two baby whales got too close to a fishing boat.
I tell ya, with my wife I got no s-x life. Just when I get going, she knocks on the door and wants to use the bathroom.
My wife treats me bad. She says to me last night that she had to go out for the evening to attend an affair. I asked her what affair, she says she didn't know, she hasn't met him yet.
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during s-x. She had a cellular phone installed in the back seat of her car.
I tell ya, marriage is tough. My wife asked me if I'd ever consider having s-x behind her back. I told her I didn't care what position we tried. I'm tri-se_ual, I'll try anything se_ual.
It's not easy being me. At my age I can't look in the personals to find a date. I have to look in the obituaries to find widows to hit on.
I live in a bad neighborhood. Just the other day I saw some stupid guy with bad luck try to rob a bank. He made everyone put on masks so he couldn't identify them, handed the teller an envelope he said was a letter bomb with his instructions inside, and couldn't make a getaway because his car was stolen from in front of the bank.
I tell you, my marriage is tough sometimes. I'm not saying I'm against the idea of marriage, I'm saying I should have left it at that - Just an idea!
I had a disagreement with my mother in law last night. She says to me, "I wasn't born yesterday you know". So I said, "No kidding, if I thought that, my eyes would be in rougher shape than you are".
My childhood was rough. For my eighth birthday, my old man gave me my own watch. I was to guard our car parked in front of the house from 4 till 6PM every day.
It's tough being me, I can't trust my wife at all. She told me she had to pick up some mail at the post office. She picked up the postmaster and shacked up for the weekend.
I tell ya, nothing goes right. My wife's father died. She had him cremated and keeps his ashes on her night stand but she won't let me smoke in the bedroom and that really burns me up.
My wife tells me I'd get along better with her mother if I complimented her. So the old bag says she's thinking about trying a new wrinkle cream and I said, "Why, whatever you're using now works great!".
I don't get no respect. I was crossing the street and got hit by the Blood Mobile. I was lying there in the road bleeding, a nurse comes out, soaks up some some of my blood and goes back in the truck. She comes back out, says she doesn't like my type, and drives away.
My mother in law says to me, "You were lucky to find my daughter". So I says, "Lucky?, Luck had nothing to do with it. She had the cheapest prices on the street".
I tell ya, I'm not an exciting guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I'll show ya where it's at". She said, "Good, and when we get there, you can drop me off".
I take showers, I don't like baths. The last time I took a bath, my rubber ducky got cheeky with me, went south and didn't reappear till I stood up to dress.
My old man would tell me I was a loser and would cause nothing but headaches for the rest of my life. He was right, my wife gets one every night.
The wife and I are always fighting over her mother. The old bag gets drunk, falls down between us, and we argue about who's going to pick her up.
I don't get no respect at all. My wife, she treats me like a dog. She wags her tail, I beg, she tells me to go scratch.
The other night me and the wife went to visit my mother. She said, "Rodney, are you eating your vegetables?". My wife pipes in, "Eat them, he became one!".
I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. They only gave house warmings to new residents they didn't like and sold coffee to the firemen who responded.
When I say I'm lonely, I mean lonely. I hang out in the lingerie sections of clothing stores to come on to the mannequins, but even they stiff me.
I tell you, I never was a bright guy. When I had my blood tested for a marriage license, it failed!
I never got no respect. As a little boy I joined a Cub Scout Den but never got to join in at our meetings. The Den Mother made me sit in a closet and told me I was hibernating.
Oh I was an ugly kid and grew up thinking I was the son of God. Whenever someone got a look at me they said, "Jesus Christ!".
I tell ya, alot of people are worse off than me. I ran into a drunk guy in a bar who said I was lucky to have a wife with a personality like my old ball and chain. His wife, Cybil, had at least twelve nasty personalities that all hated his guts.
It's tough being me, I can't trust anyone including my wife. She monitors my health more than I do, she's planning her next marriage around it.
I asked my doctor if my heart was strong enough for s_x with my wife. He told me my heart was strong enough but my wife's stomach might not be.
I tell ya, nobody ever helped me out. As a kid whenever I tried to cross the street on the way to school, the crossing guards got together and bet on whether I'd make it or not.
Yes, my banker Bill Buck, who also writes cheap murder mysteries, just came out with a new book. It's about a cheap, emotionally abusive Credit Manager who gets murdered by his kids entitled, "They were starved for their father's interest but canceled his account because he wouldn't give them any credit!".
I tell you, I've got it tough. Take my wife, I can't relax at home because she's always picking up. I'm tired of following her around to see who she's with.
I tell ya, blind dates never worked out for me. When I was younger, a friend set me up to double date with him, his girlfriend and her cousin, who they said was going through a seperation. When we picked her up, I found out she and her Siamese twin-sister were still attached at the ankle, I had to take them both out!
It's not easy being me. One of my wife's friends called, said she needed to borrow a large round object for the day for a scavenger hunt at her kid's birthday. My wife turns to me and asks how would I like to go to a party?
My wife accuses me of treating her like a personal s_x object, which isn't true. There's no way in hell I could fit her between the box springs and the mattress.
I tell ya, blind dates, they never worked out. I had one blind date, they told me she had a body that wouldn't quit. Yeah, it kept going and going and going.....!
I tell you, it's tough being me. My wife's fondest wish is that I spend some time with her brother. He's doing ten to twenty for killing her last husband.
My old man was very strict with a compulsive work ethic. Friends couldn't come over to play in the house, he made them bring tools to help us work on it.
My mother-in-law says to me that, " The happiest day of my life was when I met my husband". So I says, "Who're you kidding, you hated the man and were always on his back, God rest his soul. The happiest day of his life was when he met his maker!".
When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man left me inside a petting zoo while he went to a ball game with his buddies. When he came back he put money into the animal's food machine, held out his hand filled with little pellets to me and said, "here's you dinner". I told him I had eaten enough of those already, everyone fed me.
I was born in a small, backward town, whose population decreased by one with every birth. Every time a kid is born, some guy leaves town. So does his sister, after recovering from delivery and feeling better.
I tell ya this guy was stupid. His doctor asked for a stool sample and knowing this guy wasn't too bright, gave him specific instructions that the sample needs to be sh_t. The guy shows up with a hand made step stool painted brown and warned his doctor that the sh_t he used for paint hadn't hardened yet.
There's no pleasing my wife. The last time I got a haircut, she said it looked terrible because it looked like I got a haircut and a good haircut should look like you didn't get one. Trouble is she carries this same logic into the bedroom, when she makes love to me, she says it's no good unless it feels like she didn't make love to me, so she just doesn't bother in the first place.
Me and the old ball and chain had a terrible argument last night. She asked me if I thought her mother could use a face lift and would I give her the 10,000 bucks for the operation. I told her first of all that her math was wrong, it would cost 20,000 bucks to lift her two faces. And secondly, that I didn't particularly care for either one of them being closer to my line of vision.
My kid drives me nuts, he must have a learning disorder. Over the summer he went to a private acting school to learn about playing parts but got it all screwed up. Last week during "What I Did On My Summer Vacation", he got kicked out his regular school for playing with his private parts in public.
I tell you my kid's not right in the head. He made a bird feeder for the back yard, he hangs rotting meat from a rope to attract vultures.
I tell you this lady is fat and ugly. If aliens from outer space ever run into her, they won't know whether to abduct her or perform a cattle mutilation.
Every time my wife takes the car there's trouble. Yesterday I got a call from a tow truck guy who told me to pick her up on the expressway. Seems she tried to jump a stalled car in front of her and got her car stuck on top of it.
I tell ya, if it weren't for my doctor giving me my annual hernia check-up, I'd get no attention down there at all.
Oh I live in a bad neighborhood. If a parent wants to know where their kid is, all's they have to do is park their car on the street and pick their kid out of the group trying to steal it.
My wife, she makes my life miserable. She's got me on a diet, won't let me eat nothing but lettuce and vegetables. I tell ya, I'm sick of shi--ing little round pellets and trying to hop on anything furry that moves.
I tell ya, I'm in bad shape. I tried jogging my memory and pulled a muscle. Very bad shape. I hurt myself playing scrabble, sprained my finger placing the word weight.
I tell ya, my wife and I used to fight a lot because I like to go out with friends and she likes to have friends come over. So we worked out a deal where I get to go out two nights a week. One night I go out with the boys and the other night I go out, and the boys come over.
My wife is an old fashioned type girl, she believes a woman's place is in the home. I just wish she'd spend some time in ours with me.
When I was a kid I was poor and never even went to the Movies. My old man told me the local BIJOU was the home of some rich french pervert who liked little boys and little girls.
I tell you, my life wasn't easy as a kid. We were so poor the old man sent me to the train tracks to pick up coal that fell from passing coal cars. He also made my little sister help by lying on the tracks to bring the train to a jolting stop.
With me, nothing ever goes right. On the last day of a two week gig on the road, I called an expensive luxury hotel to reserve the Honeymoon Suite for our Wedding Anniversary that upcoming weekend. The desk clerk informed me my wife had been Honeymooning there for the past week and was expected to check out sometime today.
I tell ya, things never go right. For a trip to The Vatican I bought an, "English to Italian Phrase Guide", got slapped by the Pope and almost caused an international incident. Turns out the guide was mis-labeled and was really, "101 Pick Up Lines On The Streets Of Italy At Night".
I tell you it's not easy being me. My wife's always on my back when I'm around and on her's when I'm not.
Now with h--kers I go for the fast, inexpensive, car-hopping types. I like it to be just like making love to my wife - Cheap, quick and impersonal!
Oh, she's a wild girl. She thinks single-partner s_x means just one at a time.
I tell you, I don't get no respect. My wife and her best friend had an argument over obscene insults directed at me and parted company. Her friend came over the next day to make up and I overheard my wife promising not to use that language in her home again.
I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night, the cops picked me up and I wound up in front of a judge.
He said, "You're here because of your drinking, what do you have to say in your defense?". I said,
"Your Honor, the only reason I'm standing before you is because you were able to pass a bar and I
just can't".
My wife told me she'd get real upset if I slept with other women because I'd be wide awake more
often to bug her for s_x.
I tell ya she was old. When she was born the Sphinx was still going on parchments.
I tell you I just can't win. My doctor told me to eat more roughage I mean what could be rougher than my wife's cooking?
My wife promised a night filled with love and romance on my birthday. She called and said she was having a terrific time.
I get tired of begging so I thought I'd play it cool, let my wife make the first move. She called from Miami and asked if she had any messages.
Last week my wife's doctor quoted to her, "We lose 150 calories every time we have s_x". She visits him frequently and has dropped 3 dress sizes already.
My wife gives me no respect. Every time my birthday comes around she tells me I might lucky and gives me an instant lottery ticket. Last year she was right, I had a $100 winner and went out and hired a ho_ker.
My wife asked me if I'd ever considered making love to a total stranger. I told her making love to her was the same thing, I forget a lot between birthdays!
When I ask my wife for s_x she considers my requests very carefully. She considers them riduclous, grotesque and out of the question.
I don't get no respect. My bank closed my account due to lack of interest.
I don't get no respect. I wanted my phone number unlisted because of crank calls and called the phone company. They told me to call every bar I could think of and have them remove my wife's listing from their men's room walls.
I tell you I don't get no respect. Why, the surgeon general asked me to smoke on television. He felt I would serve as a good anti-role model being such a loser.
With me, nothing goes right. My wife's psychiatrist told her to try and separate herself from the negative, hostile and ugly sides of life . She told me to move out!
I tell you I don't get no respect. My wife likes me to talk to her during s_x, she makes me carry a beeper.
As a kid my father enthusiastically encouraged me to try different things, didn't criticize me for mistakes, especially when I helped him out at his job - He was an electrician!
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist because I couldn't sleep at night. My mother made me sleep all day to keep me out of her hair.
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him that my ankles had been swelling up. He told me to wear only dark socks to make them look thinner.
I tell you, I don't get no respect from nobody. Well, I ran into my doctor on the golf course, he helped me look for my lost ball then billed me $1,250 for "An Exploratory".
I asked my wife why she acts so hateful and disgusted around me all the time, she said "What act?". So I said if I'm so disgusting why not find a replacement and she said she doubts she could find someone else with my experience.
I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he brings me the paper every evening after he's used it first, drops a bone at my feet and buries my slippers in the back yard.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I had a little problem with number 2, if you know what I mean. He said not to worry, some people would always be full of s__t!
My accountant told me I needed more write offs to reduce my liabilities. I told him I couldn't find any more, everyone has already written me off to reduce theirs.
My wife bought a parrot to keep her company when I'm on the road and keeps it in our bedroom. It would only say, "I'm A Good Bird, Tell Me What You Want, I'll Do Anything" until I asked it, "Can You Say Rodney". The bird's feathers stood straight up and it squawked,"Rodney, Holly Sh_t, The Jerks Home, Quick Hide In The Closet Until I Can Get Rid Of Him".
I tell you, I can't take it no more. Whenever my dog cleans himself where only a dog can, my wife accuses me of "One old dog teaching another new tricks". He_l, if I were that limber I wouldn't need her!
I tell you, I don't get no respect. Last evening my wife told me she was feeling playful and if I played my cards right I just might get lucky. I was on my best behavior all evening, did everything she wanted and when we went to bed she brought out a deck of cards and took me for $1,400.
I've got no s_x life. My dog watches my wife in the bedroom. He has to wait for me to go out of town to learn any new tricks. The only thing he learns when I'm there is how to beg, drool and whimper.
Whenever my mother- in- law stops by the house, I try to let the dog outside. Problem is she won't go, she wants to stay and visit her daughter.
My dog, that's another one. He's lazy. I threw a stick for him to retrieve, it grew roots and became a tree. It's his second favorite place to lift his leg, me being the first.
With my kid, I don't get no respect. I was getting tired of him and his girlfriend hanging around the house, making out on the couch so I gave him a $20 and told him to go out somewhere and enjoy yourselves. He gave me a $50 and told me to get lost.
My wife's egocentric, always has to be first. I only hope this carries through with the "Till Death Do Us Part" thing.
My wife drops me hints when she's in the mood for love. She leaves me a note not to wait up, she'll be home late.
With my kids, I don't get no respect. They play Happy Birthday for me on their arm pits.
I really enjoy quiet times with my wife, too bad she doesn't have general anesthesia more often.
I tell you, with my kid, I don't get no respect. After he was arrested for the third time, I pleaded with him to be like other children, bring joy into my life. He says, "You had your joy making me you old fart, now suffer!"
I tell you, nothing goes right. Well, last week I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my wife and me, identified as her deceased older brother with the thyroid condition.
I tell you this guy is stupid. He watches the X-Files religiously, waiting for the female agent to get naked.
I tell you, my kid is mean. He keeps his water pistol right next to the toilet for quick refills.
My kid, what a slob. My wife was after him to change his underwear every day so he exchanges them every morning with his best friend, another slob.
My wife sent me to the store to buy her some cherry flavored douche. Who the he-- is she trying to fool?
And my kid, he don't help either. I told him all about the birds and the bees. Ever since he smears himself with bird seed and honey and sits in the yard hoping to get lucky.
I tell you, with me, nothing comes easy. My wife's always bit__ing at me to loose a few pounds so first thing this morning I decided to do some sit-ups in the bed before getting dressed. My back gave out and locked up as I was touching my toes, my wife comes in and accuses me of being a pervert.
My wife says that the strain of our marriage has ruined s_x for her, I'm around too much.
This guy was stupid. Why he bought a computer then went to the Post Office to buy stamps for his E-Mail.
My wife has become quite the little home maker. A guy invites her home, she makes it.
I tell you, my wife likes to try different things during s_x. Why just last night in the middle of my passion she got up and balanced her checkbook.
With my wife, I've got no s_x life, seems we're always to ill. She always gets an awful headache which causes a big pain in my a--!
I mean this girl was fat. At the circus the animal handlers had a hard time keeping the male elephants out of the seats.
With my wife, I don't get no respect, she thinks I'm stupid. Well, last night I came home early and found her and my best friend in bed together. She said he came ove r for my surprise birthday dinner and was helping her hide my present. I said but honey, you know I don't like "Pig in a blanket" and as for the present you're hiding, you can stop hiding it now, I know what it is and already have one.
I've put on a few pounds, you know, so the wife enrolled me in a weight-loss program. As part of this program they suggested I also attend a support group. I asked what group they would recommend, they suggested a herd.
With my wife, I don't get no respect. Well, the other night I woke up to a fully lighted bedroom and my wife's crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she had a nightmare. I comforted her that everything was OK, her nightmare was over but she said it wasn't and cried even harder. She told me she had a nightmare that she was married to an ugly man, woke up, turned on the light and there I was.
Even my wife doesn't understand me. I told her that sometimes I needed her to show me that I was needed, that I filled a certain void in her life. She handed me her purse and said, "I need you to fill this!".
I tell you, with my wife, nothing comes easy. After s_x I asked, "Was it good for you honey?". She answered, "It would have been better if you hadn't come home so soon, see you tomorrow Steve!".
I tell you, with my wife, I don't get any respect. I asked her to darn my socks, she swore at them.
My wife, all we do is fight about money and s_x. I mean, if she only shared what she made for putting out, I wouldn't have to work so much.
I received a notice that there will be sight-seeing tours through my neighborhood where famous celebrities live. They asked what hours I would be home so they could not schedule tours during these times.
My wife, she drives me nuts. Why, she gets so angry about my toilet habits she had his & her's bathrooms installed. Mine is out in the back yard with a urinal shaped like a toilet seat so I won't miss.
I don't get no respect I tell you. I hired a professional landscaper to plant something appropriate around my picnic table in the yard. He planted a hay field.
My wife tells me that I have to be committed for our marriage to work, she had me picked up and brought to the sanitarium.
My wife, she took me to a drive-in movie. I went to use the can, she drove-out.
I don't get no respect from my wife. For my birthday I asked for a new suit, she served me with divorce papers.
My wife, she's studying astronomy and shares this with me. Why just last night she taught me about "The Speed Of Light", she threw a lamp at me and watched closely as I tried to out run it.
My wife is a loving person and expresses her love in many different ways, when I'm out of town, so I'm told.
I tell you, my wife, she can't cook at all. Last night she boiled a chicken, the best part was it's crispy beak and feet.
I tell you, with my wife, life isn't easy. Last night she told me to take out the garbage. I said "Take it out?, hell I married it!".
I'm not an attractive guy. I took my grand kids fishing and really upset them. Whenever they caught a fish they'd scream to each other - Throw Grandpa Back!
I tell you as a young man I was hard up. I was "tri-se_ual", I'd try anything se_ual.
On my wedding day, I got no respect. I suspected my soon to be wife's indiscretions when the minister said, "If anyone is against this marriage, speak now or forever lose our piece".
I called one of those 1-900-Psychic Lines for a prediction on my longevity, the line went dead.
This girl was fat I tell you. I visited her personal web page last Friday, I'm still waiting for her picture to finish loading.
I don't get no respect from anyone. Have you ever been promised the stars only to get kicked in URANUS instead, that's the story of my life! - Being told to stick it in the "Dark Side Of The Moon!".
I don't get no respect. I volunteered to be the neighborhood school crossing guard. The mothers said they'd rather their children go it alone, it's less risky.
Well, I live in a tough neighborhood. I knew I was in trouble when I rented the apartment. The ad in the paper said, "On major bust route"
But really folks, I'm an old fashioned type of guy. I like to wine and dine and wine and wine a girl, then really take advantage of her.
My neighborhood is so tough and dangerous, the post office won't even deliver E-Mail.
I don't get no respect. I was feeling romantic and asked the wife to come out in the yard to look at the moon and stars . I got sh-t on by an overflying bat.
I tell you, my neighborhood is tough. To get into church on Sunday, you have to go through a metal detector manned by two armed nuns.
Everybody tries to rip me off. The phone company wants to charge me for something I already have - Call Waiting. Hell, my phone never rings, I'm always waiting.
Even the hired help are against me. I complained to our cook that my morning coffee contained grounds. She apologized and said she'd wash my cup better from now on after using it to clean the cat's litter box.
I paid $150 for a "guaranteed" speed reading class after my wife accused
me of being an illiterate, gullible slob. The instructor sent me an incorrectly
addressed letter with postage due and instructions to open and read on
the LA Expressway. The letter said, "Now You're Reading Fast".
I babysat for my infant grand daughter the other day and fell asleep
on the couch while cradling her against my chest. I woke up with a p--s
soaked shirt and a diapered face - Guess my drooling is more offensive
than the baby's p---ing.
I had a little accident the other day and wound up in the emergency
room. The nurse sent in a proctologist to take my temperature orally.
I don't even get respect in marriage. I noticed my hair was getting
a little thin so I bought some of that Rogaine to have Edwardo, our personal
masseuse rub on my scalp. After a couple of weeks I noticed a big difference
- My wife's hairy bo-bs and a--!
I do love my wife though and I think she loves me too. She's always looking out for me when I'm not around.
I went to a county fair and went into the sheep shearing demonstration building. When I walked in all of the sheep looked scared and ran back into their pens.
Getting older is tough. I fell asleep on a park bench and woke up covered with a sheet.
I asked my wife if I could do anything to make her happier. She asked me to honor my organ donor card.
My wife gave me a nude picture of her in the bath tub for my birthday - We don't have a bath tub!
My kids don't respect me. When they were little if anyone called them by their nicknames "Little Bast--ds" they smiled and sighed - If only.
I've never caught the garter at a wedding - At the request of the single girls, the grooms refuse to throw it unless I sit down.
My parents used to send me away to summer camp for two weeks every winter.
I asked my wife if we could try a different se-ual position. She agreed and presented a convincing oratory lecture on the merits of abstinence.
A panhandler approached me on the street and asked me if I would please work a different area.
I asked my dentist about dental implants - He referred my to his brother the proctologist.
Whenever I raised my hand in class to answer a question, the teacher made me go to the bathroom.
I asked an insurance guy for a quote, he said "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
Whenever I played in the sand box as a child, our cat would cover me over.
When I was a kid my parents bought me a jungle gym for the back yard - It was a frayed rope stretched tightly over quicksand filled with snakes.
In the 70's I was very much into "FREE LOVE" until I went broke.
As an infant whenever I was held on an adults lap, they'd pi-s my pants.
Once when I was a little boy, I became separated from my mother and got lost in a department store on Long Island. She went home to write a lost & found ad for the Muncie, Indiana Times.
When I was six we lost the family dog on a cross-country automobile trip. When we returned home my mother packed a lunch and sent me back out to look for him.
I researched my family tree but I wasn't listed. They pruned our branch the year I was born.
I'm getting old, you know, and have a little trouble with the bowels. The last time they moved, they left no forwarding address.
When I was courting my wife, she promised she'd always be faithful if we got married. So far she's joined twelve religions and had an affair with every minister, priest or rabbi she's met.
A week after I was brought home from the hospital the landlord served my father with an eviction notice, said we violated the no pet clause.
The corner newsstand vendor said I was the ugliest child he had ever seen - He was blind.
As a teenager I was promised a part-time delivery job from the corner grocer after school, he wanted a Ph.D.
I tell ya, I never had any luck. When I was a young man I met a girl I was crazy about and wanted to marry. She invited me to her family reunion to meet my future relatives, It was my own family!. I still wanted to go through with the wedding but the rest of the family had objections - They were worried about me tainting the bloodline.
This girl was fat. Why when she goes swimming, you have to move your blanket - The tide comes in.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I have to bribe myself with flowers, dinner, a movie and gift to make love "solo".
My wife, she's a shrewd business woman. She had me sign a pre-nuptual agreement that states I would benefit exclusively from the fruits of my labor. She gives a prune every evening when I come home from work and tells me to "Take A Good S--t For Myself".
She also promised that s-x with her would be wonderful. It's wonderful all right, I'm full of wonder as to who she's doing it with.
I mailed out an application for correspondence school along with two hundred bucks. They returned my application marked with a big red "F" and stamped "Course Completed - Tuition Paid In Full".
I'm not saying that my life is always unlucky and filled with disrespect. Just yesterday I found a four leaf clover in the center median of the interstate, landing there after being pushed out of my car by a faulty air bag.
Ye
Old Circular File
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