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He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a
sinner and was sent to Hell.
The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.
The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."
A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he
exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
The teacher asks, "Jessica, what part of the human body increases ten times
when excited?"
Jessica blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that
question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten
times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Jessica and says, "First, you didn't do your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG
disappointment."
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I
born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you
to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting
to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
If Darwin was right you will probably figure it out in a few million years.
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books --
the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape,
"Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's
keeper or my keeper's brother."
A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought
a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog,
jump!"
The frog jumped across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with
four legs jumped eight feet."
Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with
two legs jumped three feet."
Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted,
"Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.
Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
In the final exam in zoology the teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."
After ten minutes one student stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the
paper down on the teacher's desk. "Dammit!" he hollered. "You knew I needed
to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"
The student begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you,
boy, what's your name?"
The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know
sir. You tell me."
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
What are the four food groups?
For bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley and Yeast.
For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.
While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists loose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy, a well known botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world."
The second guy, an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."
The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "
When a problem gets to complicated for the physicists, they hand the
problem to the chemists.
When a problem gets to complicated for the chemists, it is handed over to
the biologists.
And when biologists think it is too complicated, they give the problem to
the sociologists.
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
Biology Revisited
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
should.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your
father didn't have children, you won't have children too.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
How biologists do it...
Biologists do it with clones.
Botanists do it in the bushes.
Zoologists do it with animals.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
YOU MIGHT BE AN ER PHYSICIAN/NURSE IF.......
1 - you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
2 - discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3 - you believe a good tape job will fix anything.
4 - you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
5 - you can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
6 - your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
7 - you find humor in other people's stupidity.
8 - you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
9 - you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
10- you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
11- when a patient presents with a list of medicine allergies you
automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
12- your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
13- you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
14- you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
15- you believe the govt should require a permit to reproduce.
16- you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
17- you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
18- you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow,it's really quiet" us uttered.
19- you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
20- your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
21- you believe chocolate is a food group.
22- when someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
23- when you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.
24- you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
25- you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
26- you have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".
27- you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
28- you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
29- your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.
30- you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...
Getting it right".
31- you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
32- you have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
Top Ten Ways To Get Thrown Out Of The Chemistry Lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulphuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
