Male Agent: I couldn't believe how hard it was not to use the word 'but'.
Mulder: I'm having that same problem right now...

Girl Agent: Have you ever been to team seminar, Agent Mulder?
Mulder: No!  You know, unfortunately around this time of the year I always develop a severe hemmorrhoidal condition.
Guy Agent: (Not listening) Well, it builds muscles you didn't even know you had!
Mulder: (Laughs at him silently)
Girl Agent: Cooperation, that's the key.

Mulder: Yeah.  How do I say this without using any negative words, Scully.
Scully: You want me to tell them that you're not going to make it to this year's teamwork seminar.
Mulder: Yes.  You see that?  We don't need that conference.  We have communication, like that- unspoken.
 You know what I'm thinking. (He wanders off)

(Scully enters with a tray of cheese and wine)
Mulder: Who cut the cheese?
Scully: Since we won't be making it to the conference.
Mulder: Parrr-tay!
Scully: However, I must remind you this goes against the bureau's policy of male and female agents consorting
 in the same motel room while on assignment.
Mulder: Try any of that Tail-Hook crap on me Scully, I'll kick your ass!

Scully: Mulder, we're in Western Florida.  The closest thing to primitive down here is living in a beach-front
 retirement condo.

Scully: You know, Mulder, sometimes I think some work on your communication skills wouldn't be such a bad idea.
Mulder: I'll be back soon and we can build a tower of furniture, okay?

Scully: You're putting me on...
Mulder: No, my dad and I were indian guides.  I know these things.

Mulder: (Commenting on the heat seeking camera) That's pretty sophisticated for government issue.

Scully: It sure is beautiful, though.
Guide: That's what happens.  People get to looking around.  Next thing they know, something eats them.

Guide: If we become blinded by the beauty of nature we may fail to see its cruelty and violence.
Scully: Walt Whitman?
Guide: No, When Animals Attack on the Fox Network.

Mulder: They became known as the Moth Men.  I got an X-File dated back to 1952 on them.
Scully: What would that be filed next to?  The Cockroach that ate Cincinnatti?
Mulder: No, the Cockroach that ate Cincinatti is in the C's.  The Moth Men is over in the M's.

Scully: (Getting frustrated trying to light the fire) You were an indian guide, help me out here.
Mulder; Indian guide says maybe you should run to the store and get some matches.
Scully: I would but I left my wallet in the car.

Scully: If I can separate the shell from the casing maybe I can get the powder to ignite.
Mulder: Eh, and maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows.
Scully: Do I detect a hint of negativity?
Mulder: No!  Yes, actually.

Mulder: I was told that the best way to regenerate body heat is to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with
 somebody who's already naked.
Scully: Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags you'll get lucky.  You ever thought seriously about dying?
Mulder: Yeah, once, when I was at the Ice Capades.

Mulder: If you're lucky you get 75 years.  If you're really lucky you get 80 years.  And if you're extraordinarily
 lucky you get to have 50 of those years with a decent head of hair.

Scully: (finally separating the shell from the casing) Taa-Daa!!
Mulder: Go girl!

Mulder: Hey, who did you identify with as a kid? Wilma or Betty?
Scully: I identified with Betty's bustline.
Mulder: Yes!  I did too.

Scully: (Tries to scootch Mulder into her lap)
Mulder: I don't wanna wrestle!

Scully: Mulder, you don't want me to sing.  I can't carry a tune.
Mulder: Doesn't matter, just sing anything.
Scully: (Pauses) Jeremiah was a bullfrog.
 Was a good friend of mine
 Never understood a single word he said
 But I helped him drink his wine...
Mulder: Chorus...
Scully: Joy... to the world... All the boys and girls.  Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea.  Joy to you and me...

Mulder: You alright?
Scully: Yeah.  I landed on soft dirt... kind of.

Mulder: (Building body pile) Too bad we don't have any office furniture.
Scully: I can see us now... there's plenty more bodies but there ain't no honey baked ham.
Mulder: Go team!

Guy Agent: You're just making this up!
Mulder: Why do you say that?
Guy Agent: Cause you work on the X-files and... you just want to write off your hotel room!

1st Message: Dana. Dana. She needs your help. She needs you, Dana. Go to her.

Kresge: Whoa whoa whoa WHOA! Who are you?
Scully: Scully, FBI. Can you tell me what's going on here?
Kresge: Well, no offense, Scully FBI, what's it to you?

Kresge: This is Mrs. Roberta Sim. Age 40. Suicide. She's been dead at least 3 hours. You got a call from her, she must've dialed 1-800-THE-GREAT-BEYOND.

Bill Jr: What's going on? They're... they're joking about you getting a call from a dead woman.
Scully: I thought it was a dead woman, just not the one in there. (She means from Melissa)

Tara: Oh! OH! That was a good one!
Bill Jr: What? Is he kicking?
Tara: Oh, he was kicking! He was kick-boxing!

Scully: (To Kresge) I'd appreciate seeing everything you have. In the spirit of the season?
Kresge: Wasn't a happy household. Happy people don't kill themselves.

(Scully falls asleep at her computer)
Bill Jr: Is this where you stayed the night?
Scully: Yeah... Some of it.

Young Scully: This has gotta be it! It's gotta be Hotel California!

Bill Jr: You really think Melissa had a baby?
Scully: Yes, I do.
Bill Jr: She called you from beyond the grave to tell you that? Sounds like something that partner of yours would say.

Melissa: So, you worried about Quantico or... who gets the most presents this year?

Melissa: There is no right or wrong. Life is just a path. You follow your heart, it'll take you where you're supposed to go.
Scully: God, you sound like a greeting card.

Scully: (Reading) And I could swear I hear Cher singing. The one who was married to Sonny.

Scully: (Still reading) I got your name off the TV. Some... lady on the Jerry Springer show who had a wolf baby said you came to her house.

Mulder: Scully, do you think it's too soon for me to get my own 1-900 number?

Scully: Peanut butter sandwiches?
Mulder: You think balogna would be more effective?

Mulder: I'm alarmed that you would reduce these people to a stereotype. Not everybody dreams to get on Jerry Springer.

Scully: Is there anything that you DON'T believe in, Mulder?

Scully: Sir, unles you want your scientific achievements to end up as a footnote on the Jerry Springer Show, I suggest that you make the time.
Mad Doc: Jerry Springer show?

Mulder: Good night, Doctor Frankenstein...

Mad Doc: You know what I feel about children. Mewling little monsters.

Waitress: Is it true Jerry Springer's comin' to town?

Mom: Hey! Hey! That's it! That's the song that was playin' when I got knocked up!

Scully: Mulder, I'm alarmed that you would reduce the man to a literary stereotype. A mad scientist.

Mulder: The other victims... they had their frying pans... violated.

(All the diner occupants are looking disgruntled. Waitress pours coffee into Mulder's lap)
Mulder: That's not a place you want to burn a guy.

Scully: Mulder?
Mulder: You may have been right, Scully.
Scully: What, that these people could be reduced to a cultural stereotype?

Jerry Springer: Tell me something. Is it hard to love these babies?
Mom: What's not to love?