Jokes

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#FFFF99" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="172006e0esnjov.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#3300CC" FACE="Buckingham" ><B><U>Jokes</U></B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT> <B>    </B><B> </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Classic Cab Of Myrtle Beach 8439169191"><U><B><U><IMG SRC="2fb21210.gif" border=0 width="33" height="33" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></U></A><B>     </B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>back to</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B> </B><A HREF="id3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Products and Services"><U><B>Products and Services</B></U></A></FONT></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#FFFFCC" TEXT="#080000" background="17464413.jpg"> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="36a1e270.gif" border=0 width="30" height="39" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">JOKES<IMG SRC="1df1e270.gif" border=0 width="30" height="39" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></div> <div> <B>    <script language=javascript>var Loaded=false;var Flag=false;</script> <script src='http://files.cometsystems.com/javascript/lc2000.js' language=javascript></script> <script language=javascript>if(Loaded&&Flag)TheCometCursor('balloon',0,0);</script>   </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FF0080" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B><U><IMG SRC="36b40400.gif" border=0 width="64" height="64" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></FONT><I><B><U> <A NAME="_blonde_driver"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></I><I><B><U> </U></B></I><I><B><U>Blonde Driver</U></B></I></div> <bR> <div>  <B> A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and</B></div> <div> <B>  approaches the blonde lady driver. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>  "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the</B></div> <div> <B> road?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>  The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="19f180c0.gif" border=0 width="24" height="12" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B> "I almost had an accident.<IMG SRC="1a0180c0.gif" border=0 width="24" height="12" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>I looked up, and there was a tree </B></div> <div> <B> right in front of me,. </B></div> <div> <B>I swerved to the left, </B></div> <div> <B> there was another tree in front of me,. </B></div> <div> <B>I swerved to the right, </B></div> <div> <B>and there was another</B></div> <div> <B> tree in front of me" !</B></div> <div> <B>The blond Driver Exclaimed. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Reaching through the side window, pointing to the rear view, mirror,</B></div> <div> <B> the  officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener." </B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FF0080" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B><U><IMG SRC="36c40400.gif" border=0 width="64" height="64" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></FONT><B><U> <A NAME="blond_driver_2"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>Blond Driver 2</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the</B></div> <div> <B> freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a</B></div> <div> <B>blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was</B></div> <div> <B>oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked</B></div> <div> <B>down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,</B></div> <div> <B>PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" </B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FF0080" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B><U><IMG SRC="1bb40400.gif" border=0 width="64" height="64" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></FONT><B><U> <A NAME="blonde_repair_kit"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>Blonde Repair Kit</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Troy was helping Kandi ( a blonde) clean out the truck box of her truck.</B></div> <div> <B>Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit".</B></div> <div> <B> Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite</B></div> <div> <B>inside. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Kandi what it was for. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Troy said, "I can see that, but why?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Kandi replied, "In case I have a flat </B></div> <div> <B>and need to blow up one of  my tires." </B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1bb40400.gif" border=0 width="64" height="64" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#003399" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B> <A NAME="the_blond_s_escape_1"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B></FONT><B><U> Blond  Escape</U></B></div> <div> <B>A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning</B></div> <div> <B>building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the</B></div> <div> <B>street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your</B></div> <div> <B>only chance to survive!"  The Brunette jumps and SWISH!</B></div> <div> <B>The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams</B></div> <div> <B>into the sidewalk like a tomato.  "C'mon! Jump! You gotta</B></div> <div> <B>jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're</B></div> <div> <B>gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's</B></div> <div> <B>Brunettes we can't stand!  We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" </B></div> <div> <B>says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank</B></div> <div> <B>the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement</B></div> <div> <B>like a pancake.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again,</B></div> <div> <B>the firemen yell "Jump!  You have to jump!" "No way!</B></div> <div> <B>You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the</B></div> <div> <B>Blonde. "No!  Really! You have to jump!  We won't pull</B></div> <div> <B>the blanket away!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna</B></div> <div> <B>convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket</B></div> <div> <B>away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket</B></div> <div> <B>down, and back away from it . . ."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="386d3630.jpg" border=0 width="211" height="99" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B> <A NAME="what_a_taxi_ride_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B><U>What a Taxi Ride </U></B></div> <div> (Provided ByFrancien Wilson thanks sis)</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.  The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.  For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"  The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1b640400.gif" border=0 width="64" height="64" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><B><U> <A NAME="relatives___rated_pg_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>"Relatives" - Rated PG.</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. </B></div> <div> <B>An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to </B></div> <div> <B>concede their position.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically </B></div> <div> <B>asked, "Relatives of yours?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Yep," the husband replied, "In laws."</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <I><B>(</B></I><I><B><U>Special thanks to: Dave "Doc' McCall, (Quote) "Enjoy as I did"!   )</U></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://webpages.cablevision-online.net/drmccall/faq.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://webpages.cablevision-online.net/d"><U><I><B><IMG SRC="1ca01500.jpg" border=0 width="257" height="336" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></I></U></A></div> <div> <I><B>Want to know who this is?  Click on the pic.</B></I></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1b83f520.gif" border=0 width="63" height="82" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><B><U> <A NAME="the_bobbit_hillbillies"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>The Bobbit Hillbillies</U></B></div> <div> <B>(To everyone</B></div> <div> <B>, You </B><B>must actually sing it </B><I><B>out loud</B></I><I><B> </B></I></div> <div> <B>to the tune of the Beverly Hill Billie's Show Theme Song.  </B></div> <div> <B>It is very funny!)</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.</B></div> <div> <B>A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-</B></div> <div> <B>It seems one night after getting with the wife</B></div> <div> <B>She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   PENIS, That is,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Clean Cut,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Missed His Nuts.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side</B></div> <div> <B>And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride</B></div> <div> <B>She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend</B></div> <div> <B>And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   CURVE, That is,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Tossed the Nub,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   In the Shrub.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>She went to the cops and confessed to the attack</B></div> <div> <B>And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back</B></div> <div> <B>They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"</B></div> <div> <B>To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   FOUND, That is,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   By a Fence,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Evidence.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long</B></div> <div> <B>So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that Dong."</B></div> <div> <B>A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need</B></div> <div> <B>And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   WHIZZED, That is</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Even Seam,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Straight Stream.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court</B></div> <div> <B>With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short</B></div> <div> <B>They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape</B></div> <div> <B>And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   VIDEO, That is</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Unexposed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                   Case Closed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ya'll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya Hear</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#339900" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><U><IMG SRC="1be40400.gif" border=0 width="64" height="64" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></FONT><I><B><U> <A NAME="firestone_tire_slogans"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></I><I><B><U>Firestone Tire Slogans</U></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <B>5. "Safer than a Russian sub."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>      4. "Come to our BLOWOUT sale!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>    3. "Pop a set on your car today."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>            2. "Reinforcing the importance of the</B></div> <div> <B> speed limit."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>      1. "You can't recall a better tire.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U><IMG SRC="1db28280.gif" border=0 width="40" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></I><I><B><U> <A NAME="things_to_make_you_go_hmmmmm"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></I><I><B><U>Things to make you go hmmmmm</U></B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>1. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it </B></div> <div> <B>become kitty litter?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>2. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>3. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>4. What do chickens think we taste like?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>5. What do people in China call their good plates?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>6. What do you call a male ladybug?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>7. What hair color do they put on the driver's license</B></div> <div> <B> of a bald man?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>8. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>9. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>11. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>12. Why are there Inter states in Hawaii?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>13. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes</B></div> <div> <B>  instead of parachutes?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>14. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>15. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>16. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>17. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>18. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>19. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights  crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>20. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>21. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>22. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>23. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called</B></div> <div> <B>shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>24. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>25. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck</B></div> <div> <B>together?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>26. If flying is so SAFE, why do they call the airport the terminal?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><IMG SRC="1d920200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></I><I><B> <A NAME="sayings_1"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B></I><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#003333" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B><U>Sayings</U></B></FONT></div> <bR> <div> <B>Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear</B></div> <div> <B>bright until you hear them speak.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and</B></div> <div> <B>blamed it on the cost of living.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,</B></div> <div> <B>someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You can't have everything, where would you put it?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by</B></div> <div> <B>those who got there first.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12</B></div> <div> <B>people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <I><B><U><IMG SRC="1d88c840.gif" border=0 width="140" height="132" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></I><I><B><U> <A NAME="the_genie_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></I><I><B><U>The Genie </U></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <B>Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He</B></div> <div> <B> rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. "I will grant</B></div> <div> <B>you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked. The Genie</B></div> <div> <B>replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world</B></div> <div> <B> will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Well, I can live</B></div> <div> <B> with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always</B></div> <div> <B> wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the</B></div> <div> <B> man. "NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferrari's,"</B></div> <div> <B> said the Genie. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Next wish?" "I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man.</B></div> <div> <B> POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "NOW, every</B></div> <div> <B>  lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the</B></div> <div> <B>Genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million,"</B></div> <div> <B>replied the man. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "What is your final wish?" The man thought long and hard, and</B></div> <div> <B> finally said,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><B><U><IMG SRC="1d628230.gif" border=0 width="40" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></I><I><B><U> <A NAME="travel_expenses_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></I><I><B><U>Travel Expenses </U></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <B>A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for</B></div> <div> <B> the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for</B></div> <div> <B> two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. </B></div> <div> <B>The loan officer said the bank would need some security for</B></div> <div> <B>  such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a</B></div> <div> <B> Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.</B></div> <div> <B> Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as</B></div> <div> <B> collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into</B></div> <div> <B> the bank's underground garage and parked it there. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000</B></div> <div> <B> and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said,</B></div> <div> <B>  "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has</B></div> <div> <B>  worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>  While you were away we checked and found that you are a</B></div> <div> <B> multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to</B></div> <div> <B> borrow $5,000?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I</B></div> <div> <B> park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?" </B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1d25e520.gif" border=0 width="94" height="82" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><B><U> <A NAME="anagram_funnies_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>Anagram Funnies </U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>An anagram is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever!</B></div> <div> <B>Dormitory:  Dirty Room </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Evangelist: Evil's Agent </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Desperation: A Rope Ends It</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The Morse Code: Here Come Dots </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Animosity: Is No Amity</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: </B></div> <div> <B>It can be rearranged (with no letters left over </B></div> <div> <B>and using each letter only once) into: </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS!</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1d0dcb70.gif" border=0 width="220" height="183" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><B><U> <A NAME="greedy_lawyer"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>A </U></B><B><U>Greedy Attorney</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Luxes in front</B></div> <div> <B> of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got</B></div> <div> <B>out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The </B><B>attorney</B><B> immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and</B></div> <div> <B>within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the </B><B>attorney</B><B> started screaming</B></div> <div> <B>hysterically. His Luxes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same,  no matter what the body shop did to it. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>When the </B><B>attorney</B><B> finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The </B><B>officer</B><B> replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"My God!" screamed the </B><B>attorney</B><B>. "Where's my Rolex?!?!"</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1cd28280.gif" border=0 width="40" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><B><U> <A NAME="all_change_here"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>All Change Here!</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Submitted By:</B></div> <div> <B> Paul P</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> A boy and his father, who were visiting from a third world</B></div> <div> <B>country, were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything</B></div> <div> <B>they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could</B></div> <div> <B>move apart and back together again. (Elevator doors) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father</B></div> <div> <B>responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.</B></div> <div> <B>I don't know what it is!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old</B></div> <div> <B> lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a</B></div> <div> <B> button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into</B></div> <div> <B> a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father</B></div> <div> <B>watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls</B></div> <div> <B>light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the</B></div> <div> <B>reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous</B></div> <div> <B>24-year-old woman stepped out. </B></div> <div> <B>The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your mother!"</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="24165960.jpg" border=0 width="101" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B>.</B><B> <A NAME="what_would_you_have___rated_r"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#BF00BF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B><U>What would you have?</U></B><B><U>- Rated R</U></B></FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my </B></div> <div> <B>rooster's legs...what would you have?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Two feet of my cock in your ass.</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <I><B><U><IMG SRC="24220200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></I><I><B><U> <A NAME="the_marriage_head_cold"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></I><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#660033" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><I><B><U>The Marriage Head Cold</U></B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B><U>(Special thanks to: Dave "Doc' McCall "Enjoy as I did"!   For the next section:)</U></B></I></div> <div> <I><B><U>1st Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm Really worried about those</B></div> <div> <B>nasty sniffles you have!  There's no telling what that could turn</B></div> <div> <B>into with all the strep that's been going around.  I'm going to take</B></div> <div> <B>you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple</B></div> <div> <B>days of rest.  I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring</B></div> <div> <B>you some takeout from Tosini's.  I've already arranged it with the</B></div> <div> <B>head nurse."</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>2nd Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>"</B><B>Listen, h</B><B>oney, I don't like the sound of that cough.  I called the</B></div> <div> <B>Doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you.  Why</B></div> <div> <B>don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>3rd Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>"Maybe you better go lie down, darling.  When you feel lousy you</B></div> <div> <B>need the rest.  I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup</B></div> <div> <B>around here?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>4th Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the</B></div> <div> <B>weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get</B></div> <div> <B>them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>5th Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>6th Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>7th Year:</U></B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing.  Are you trying to give me</B></div> <div> <B>pneumonia?  You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the</B></div> <div> <B>store."</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B> <A NAME="laugh_of_the_week__courtesy_of_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>LAUGH of the Week  Courtesy of  Laughers.com</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><U><IMG SRC="2532d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">NEW COMPANY POLICIES:</U></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <B>SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:</B></div> <div> <B>We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of</B></div> <div> <B>sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able</B></div> <div> <B>to come to work.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>SURGERY:</B></div> <div> <B>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee</B></div> <div> <B>here, you need all your organs. You should not consider</B></div> <div> <B>removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something</B></div> <div> <B>removed constitutes a breach of employment.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:</B></div> <div> <B>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can</B></div> <div> <B>do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort</B></div> <div> <B>should be made to have non-employees attend to the</B></div> <div> <B>arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is</B></div> <div> <B>necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late</B></div> <div> <B>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your</B></div> <div> <B>lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided</B></div> <div> <B>you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going</B></div> <div> <B>in your absence.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>YOUR OWN DEATH:</B></div> <div> <B>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at</B></div> <div> <B>least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your</B></div> <div> <B>replacement.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>REST ROOM USE:</B></div> <div> <B>Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room.</B></div> <div> <B>In the future, we will follow the practice of going in</B></div> <div> <B>alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin</B></div> <div> <B>with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names</B></div> <div> <B>begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If</B></div> <div> <B>you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to</B></div> <div> <B>wait until the next day when your time comes again. In</B></div> <div> <B>extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a</B></div> <div> <B>coworker. In writing, both employees' supervisors must</B></div> <div> <B>approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict</B></div> <div> <B>3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes,</B></div> <div> <B>an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will</B></div> <div> <B>retract, and the stall door will open.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>PAYCHECK GUIDE:</B></div> <div> <B>The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our</B></div> <div> <B>employees better understand their paychecks:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Item           Amount</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Gross pay      $1,212.02</B></div> <div> <B>Income tax     $244.40</B></div> <div> <B>Outgo tax      $45.21</B></div> <div> <B>State tax      $11.61</B></div> <div> <B>Interstate tax $61.10</B></div> <div> <B>County tax     $6.11</B></div> <div> <B>City tax       $12.22</B></div> <div> <B>Rural tax      $4.44</B></div> <div> <B>Back tax       $1.91</B></div> <div> <B>Front tax      $1.16</B></div> <div> <B>Side tax       $1.61</B></div> <div> <B>Up tax         $2.24</B></div> <div> <B>Tic-Tacs       $2.98</B></div> <div> <B>Thumbtacks     $3.93</B></div> <div> <B>Carpet tacks   $1.98</B></div> <div> <B>Stadium tax    $2.69</B></div> <div> <B>Flat tax       $8.32</B></div> <div> <B>Surtax         $3.46</B></div> <div> <B>Corporate tax  $2.60</B></div> <div> <B>Parking fee    $7.00</B></div> <div> <B>FICA       $81.88</B></div> <div> <B>TGIF Fund  $9.95</B></div> <div> <B>Life insurance $7.85</B></div> <div> <B>Health insurance $17.23</B></div> <div> <B>Dental insurance $5.50</B></div> <div> <B>Mental insurance $5.33</B></div> <div> <B>Disability       $3.50</B></div> <div> <B>Ability          $1.25</B></div> <div> <B>Liability        $3.41</B></div> <div> <B>Unreliability    $10.99</B></div> <div> <B>Coffee           $16.85</B></div> <div> <B>Coffee Cups      $66.51</B></div> <div> <B>Floor rental     $16.85</B></div> <div> <B>Chair rental     $1.32</B></div> <div> <B>Desk rental      $14.32</B></div> <div> <B>Union dues       $25.85</B></div> <div> <B>Union don'ts     $3.77</B></div> <div> <B>Cash advance     $0.69</B></div> <div> <B>Cash retreats    $121.35</B></div> <div> <B>Overtime         $1.26</B></div> <div> <B>Undertime        $54.83</B></div> <div> <B>Eastern time     $9.00</B></div> <div> <B>Central time     $8.00</B></div> <div> <B>Mountain time    $7.00</B></div> <div> <B>Pacific time     $6.00</B></div> <div> <B>Time Out         $12.21</B></div> <div> <B>Oxygen           $10.02</B></div> <div> <B>Water            $16.54</B></div> <div> <B>Heat             $51.42</B></div> <div> <B>Cool air         $26.83</B></div> <div> <B>Hot air          $28.13</B></div> <div> <B>Miscellaneous    $113.29</B></div> <div> <B>Sundry           $14.09</B></div> <div> <B>Various          $8.01</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Net Take Home Pay   $6.02</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to</B></div> <div> <B>provide a positive employment experience. All questions,</B></div> <div> <B>comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,</B></div> <div> <B>aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,</B></div> <div> <B>contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be</B></div> <div> <B>directed elsewhere.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Have a nice week.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Your Boss</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B> <A NAME="the_trooper_and_farmer"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>The Trooper and Farmer</B><B><IMG SRC="25420200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>     </B><B><IMG SRC="25620180.gif" border=0 width="32" height="24" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B>A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, </B></div> <div> <B>and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.</B><B><IMG SRC="25520200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>     Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.   As he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.  The farmer asked, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Having some problems with circle flies there, are Ya</B><B><IMG SRC="2590f0f0.gif" border=0 width="15" height="15" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT></div> <div> <B>     The trooper stopped writing the ticket and replied, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Well yeah, is that what they are called</B><B><IMG SRC="2590f0f0.gif" border=0 width="15" height="15" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B>  I never heard of circle flies.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT></div> <div> <B>So the farmer explains, "Well, circle flies are common on farms, Ya See,</B></div> <div> <B>they're called circle flies because they're almost always found</B></div> <div> <B>circling around the back end of a horse.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT></div> <div> <B>     The trooper says, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Oh,</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B> and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and exclaims, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses rear end</B><B><IMG SRC="36d0f0f0.gif" border=0 width="15" height="15" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>  The farmer says, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Oh no</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>!,</B></FONT><B> officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses rear end.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT></div> <div> <B>     </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>The trooper replies, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Well, that's a good thing,</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B> and goes back to writing the ticket.  After a long pause, the farmer states, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT><B>Hard to fool them flies though.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF00FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>"</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div> <B>Shared to bring out a grin.</B></div> <div> <B>Enjoy as I did!</B></div> <div> <B>Dave "Doc' McCall</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="36f20200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B> <A NAME="youthful_proverbs___rated_pg_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>"</B><B>Youthful Proverbs" - Rated PG.</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="37028280.gif" border=0 width="40" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  <IMG SRC="37128280.gif" border=0 width="40" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B><B><IMG SRC="37328280.gif" border=0 width="40" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B> <IMG SRC="3721f210.gif" border=0 width="31" height="33" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B></div> <div> <B>A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each </B></div> <div> <B>child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come </B></div> <div> <B>up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader</B></div> <div> <B>It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings</B></div> <div> <B>You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?</B></div> <div> <B>Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty</B></div> <div> <B>If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning</B></div> <div> <B>Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents</B></div> <div> <B>Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed</B></div> <div> <B>Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded</B></div> <div> <B>You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box</B></div> <div> <B>Better late than . . . pregnant</B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="1cb20200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B> <A NAME="wanna_argue__rated_g"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Wanna Argue? Rated G</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How do you get a redhead to argue with you?</B></div> <div> <B>Say something</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="37b55520.jpg" border=0 width="85" height="82" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B> <A NAME="new_brides_toy"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>New Brides Toy</B></div> <div> <B>A young couple were married, and celebrated their first</B></div> <div> <B>night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time</B></div> <div> <B>again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes</B></div> <div> <B>into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges</B></div> <div> <B>from the shower.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.</B></div> <div> <B>When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,</B></div> <div> <B>exposing his body for the first time to his bride where</B></div> <div> <B>she sees all of him well.  Her eyes went up and down</B></div> <div> <B>and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she</B></div> <div> <B>asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part</B></div> <div> <B>of his anatomy.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,</B></div> <div> <B>"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U> <A NAME="10_characteristics_of_the_company"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>10 Characteristics of The Company Car... </U></B></div> <div> <B>1-</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#003333" FACE="Eurasia" ><B> Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.</B></FONT></div> <div> <B>2- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.</B></div> <div> <B>3- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars. </B></div> <div> <B>4- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked. </B></div> <div> <B>5- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing. </B></div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="626" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 918 ><NOBR><div> <B>6- It needs cleaning less often than private cars. </B></div> <div> <B>7- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks,</B></div> <div> <B> concrete slabs and other building material. </B></div> <div> <B>8- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the</B></div> <div> <B> radio. </B></div> <div> <B>9- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with</B></div> <div> <B> the keys in the ignition. </B></div> <div> <B>10- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing</B></div> <div> <B> expeditions on remote beaches.</B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="________________________________________"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U> <A NAME="cooperate_or___"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>Cooperate or...</U></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3870e470.gif" border=0 width="270" height="327" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U> <A NAME="flipper_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>Flipper?</U></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="38814490.gif" border=0 width="276" height="329" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 23 WIDTH="622"><div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><U> <A NAME="creative_ways_to_cope_with_stress_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B></div> <div> <B><U>Creative Ways To Cope With Stress.</U></B></div> <div> <B>- Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.</B></div> <div> <B>- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. </B></div> <div> <B>- When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you have other plans. </B></div> <div> <B>- Dance naked in front of your pets. </B></div> <div> <B>- Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. </B></div> <div> <B>- Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. </B></div> <div> <B>- Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.</B></div> <div> <B>- Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.</B></div> <div> <B>- Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help. </B></div> <div> <B>- Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. </B></div> <div> <B>- Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.</B></div> <div> <B>- Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.</B></div> <div> <B>- Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.</B></div> <div> <B>- Braid the hairs in each nostril.</B></div> <div> <B>- Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. </B></div> <div> <B>- Pay your electric bill in pennies. </B></div> <div> <B>- Drive to work in reverse. </B></div> <div> <B>- Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. </B></div> <div> <B>- Polish your car with earwax.</B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U> <A NAME="if_your_family_tree_doesn_t_fork__"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork</U></B></div> <div> <B><U>(Thanks Doc)</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Many many years ago when I was twenty-three,</B></div> <div> <B>I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.</B></div> <div> <B>This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.</B></div> <div> <B>My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This made my dad my son-in-law, And changed my very life.</B></div> <div> <B>My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.</B></div> <div> <B>To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy,</B></div> <div> <B>I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.</B></div> <div> <B>And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad,</B></div> <div> <B>For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother</B></div> <div> <B>To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my stepmother.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.</B></div> <div> <B>And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.</B></div> <div> <B>My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.</B></div> <div> <B>Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother, too.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.</B></div> <div> <B>And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.</B></div> <div> <B>For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.</B></div> <div> <B>As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!</B></div> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B><U> <A NAME="most_embarrassing_moments"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></U></B><B><U>Most Embarrassing Moments</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The following are the top winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":</B></div> <div> <B><U>Lady Golfer</U></B></div> <div> <B>I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."</B></div> <div> <B> Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Nuts about You</U></B></div> <div> <B>My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a Variety</B></div> <div> <B> >of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind  the</B></div> <div> <B> >counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at</B></div> <div> <B> >your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I</B></div> <div> <B> >turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me</B></div> <div> <B> forget.</B></div> <div> <B><U>Curl Up and Die</U></B></div> <div> <B>I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"</B></div> <div> <B> Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <div> <B> <A NAME="quote_of_the_week_courtesy_of_"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>QUOTE of the Week Courtesy of  The-Mouth.com</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I was the best man at the wedding.  So why is she</B></div> <div> <B>marrying HIM?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     - Jerry Seinfeld</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Us"><U><B><U>About Us</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id10.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Classic Cab Passport"><U><B><U>Classic Cab Passport</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Myrtle Beach Attractions"><U><B><U>Myrtle Beach Attractions</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Calendar"><U><B><U>Calendar</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="NEWS"><U><B><U>NEWS</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U><B><U>Contact Us</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id8.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Traveling?"><U><B><U>Traveling?</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id16.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="SC State"><U><B><U>SC State</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="updates_on_vehicles_recalled__repairs___tips___more.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Auto Updates"><U><B><U>Auto Updates</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <B><U>Jokes</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Trivia"><U><B><U>Trivia</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="DISCLAIMER"><U><B><U>DISCLAIMER</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id46.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Local Services Referral"><U><B><U>Local Services Referral</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="DISCLAIMER"><U><B>DISCLAIMER</B></U></A></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#003366" FACE="Arial" ><IMG SRC="3f320200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></FONT>       <B>           Copyright (c) 2000-2002 Classic Cab All Rights Reserved.</B>                <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#003366" FACE="Arial" ><IMG SRC="3f320200.gif" border=0 width="32" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></FONT></div> </td> <td valign="top" width=145 BGCOLOR="#FFFF99" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="19e91c00esnjov.gif"> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>JOKES</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#_blonde_driver" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><I><B><U>Blonde Driver</U></B></I></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#blond_driver_2" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Blond Driver 2</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#blonde_repair_kit" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Blonde Repair Kit</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_blond_s_escape_1" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Blond</U></B></U></A><A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_blond_s_escape_1" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U> </U></B></U></A><A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_blond_s_escape_1" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Escape</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#what_a_taxi_ride_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>What a Taxi Ride</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#relatives___rated_pg_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Relatives- Rated PG.</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_bobbit_hillbillies" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>The Bobbit Hillbillies</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#firestone_tire_slogans" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Firestone Tire Slogans</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#things_to_make_you_go_hmmmmm" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Things to make you go hmmmmm</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#sayings_1" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Sayings</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_genie_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>The Genie </U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#travel_expenses_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Travel Expenses </U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#anagram_funnies_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Anagram Funnies </U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#greedy_lawyer" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>A Greedy Attorney</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#all_change_here" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><I><B><U>All Change Here!</U></B></I></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#what_would_you_have___rated_r" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><I><B><U>what would you have?- Rated R</U></B></I></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_marriage_head_cold" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><I><B><U>The Marriage Head Cold</U></B></I></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#laugh_of_the_week__courtesy_of_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>NEW COMPANY POLICIES</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#the_trooper_and_farmer" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><I><B><U>The Trooper and Farmer</U></B></I></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#660033" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><A HREF="id9_m.htm#youthful_proverbs___rated_pg_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B>"Youthful Proverbs" </B></U></A></FONT><A HREF="id9_m.htm#youthful_proverbs___rated_pg_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B>Rated </B></U></A><A HREF="id9_m.htm#youthful_proverbs___rated_pg_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B>PG.</B></U></A></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#wanna_argue__rated_g" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B>Wanna Argue? Rated G</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#new_brides_toy" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>New Brides Toy</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#10_characteristics_of_the_company" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>10 Chara-</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#10_characteristics_of_the_company" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>characteristics of The Company Car... </U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#creative_ways_to_cope_with_stress_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Creative Ways To Cope With Stress.</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#if_your_family_tree_doesn_t_fork__" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#most_embarrassing_moments" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Most Embarrassing-</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#most_embarrassing_moments" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>raising Moments</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#quote_of_the_week_courtesy_of_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>QUOTE of the Week</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#________________________________________" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>CARTOONS</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#cooperate_or___" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B>Cooperate or...</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id9_m.htm#flipper_" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Flipper?</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>