All He Does
He stares at me all the
time. I never know quite what is going on in his
mind. I know that my almost constant crying upsets him, but
I can't seem to stop. Sometimes I think he will yell at me
or hit me to get me to stop. I have seen him raise his hand
to strike me, but the blow never comes. I used to think
that he would drain me like he did to everyone else, but now I
know that he can't bring himself to do it.
I'm still not sure why he decided not to kill me in the first
place. At the time, death was what I wanted. Sure, I
fought him with everything I had. I was angry and hurt and
didn't care whether I lived or died. I had watched him kill
my friends, watched horrified as he drained Buffy's life
away. We were all so helpless against him once the chip
stopped working. Maybe if we'd had some advance warning, we
could have been prepared. But Spike was just too strong.
Still, they all put up a good fight. I suppose that
is part of why I fought so hard myself. I couldn't bear the
thought of just giving up after my friends had all died so
bravely.
I don't understand why he came after me last. Maybe he
expected me to be an easy kill after the others. Maybe he
had some special torture in mind for me. Whatever the
reason, I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore.
I remember the first time he forced himself on me. He had
been drinking, but I don't think he was really drunk. He
seemed all too lucid for that. I was terrified and angry
and disgusted. That is, until he began to touch me. I
hated myself for the reaction his touch caused. I
desperately wanted to be repulsed by his attentions, but I
couldn't be. Every time he touched me, my body ached for
more. No one had ever made me feel the way he did.
The feeling of him inside of me, his teeth piercing the flesh of
my neck was unlike anything else I'd ever experienced. It
was pain and ecstasy all wrapped up together until the two were
inseparable from one another.
But afterwards, as he stared at me with his cerulean eyes and his
demonic visage, I was reminded that he was the same monster who
had killed my friends, the only real family I'd ever known.
And the tears began to flow.
I cannot seem to stop crying any more than I can stop wanting
him. My mind screams at me that it is wrong to want him, to
need him the way that I do. But my body aches for his
touch, my blood boils beneath the surface for him to taste it.
I think he has given up on me somehow. I don't blame
him. I doubt this constant murmur of my sobs is what he had
in mind when he kidnapped me away from Sunnydale. It is
driving me crazy, but I cannot stop. I can only imagine
what effect it is having on him. Part of me wishes that I
could talk to him, figure out what is happening to the two of
us. But we never speak. I cry, and he stares at me.
I have heard him talk about Angel. I know that the dark
vampire is coming to seek revenge on his errant childe. I
doubt he knows that I am here with him. Angel probably
assumes that I am dead somewhere, an unrecognizable corpse lying
in a morgue.
It is better that way. I couldn't bear Angel's accusing
glare. Even without the marks of Spike's attentions
covering my body, Angel would know that I have been with his
childe. He would only believe for so long that it was an
unwilling act on my part. Eventually he would realize that Spike
wouldn't have kept me around this long unless he was getting
something more from me. How could I face Angel after all of
this? How could I face my best friend's former love and
admit that I willingly follow Spike into his bed each day, let
him drink from me until I am light-headed from the
sensation? Angel could never understand.
Even I am not sure why I do it. I just know that I need
him. As twisted as it is, Spike is all I have left of the
life I once knew. He is both my connection to my life
before and the reason it ended. Perhaps that is why I keep
crying.
Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't simply turn me. Perhaps
he is not interested in eternal life with me. There was a
time when I would have fought against it, but I am past that
now. There was a time when all I wished for was a peaceful
ending to my life so that I could move on to whatever world lies
ahead and rejoin my friends. But they would never take me
back now. How could I even ask forgiveness for how I have
betrayed them? But it doesn't matter. Spike is my
whole world now. A world filled with pain and death, but a
world nonetheless. Any other life I might have had died
with my friends. Now I simply wait for Spike to decide
whether I will be born again.
I wish that I could talk to him. But all he does is stare
at me.
I hear a noise from elsewhere in the house, and a sob dies in my
throat. I can see him tense up, and I know that Angel has
found us. My eyes linger over the silver dagger he once
used to mark me as his.
As the noise gets closer, his blue eyes linger over the bite
marks on my neck and chest. He blows me a kiss softly as I
reach for the dagger. He does not even make a move to
prepare to defend himself. I can see in his eyes that he is
ready to meet his end. But I will not permit that to
happen. He is all that I have left, and I cannot not let
him go. To hell with Angel and everyone else. I will
not let it end so soon.
