Feelings

Is life real? It doesn’t feel real. It feels like I’m walking though a dream. . .nothing hurts me anymore. I don’t feel anymore. I know I hurt people, so why didn’t I feel something? Why didn’t I feel guilt or shame? Yet things feel so real when I dream. Things hurt me. . .Make me cry. . .Make me feel love again. I know dreams aren’t reality so I stopped, stopped the dreams stop the sleep, I stopped. I’m so sorry, but not how I should be, not how I would feel. . .If you hadn’t come back in my life.

You had to come back. For what reason I do not know, I just know you did. I felt such pain when you left. . .such horrific pain, I never thought it would go away. It eased after time. I found someone new. But you coming back. . .changed all that. I shut down. I could no longer feel, for fear you knew, for fear you knew what I still felt for you.

She caught on. She knew what I did. . .and why I did it. I did love her, but I was not in love with her. My heart will always be yours.

If only you could realise what I do feel for you, maybe then my heart would awaken from it’s slumber. ‘Maybe’. . .‘maybe’ doesn’t make up it’s mind, ‘maybe’ will say everything and do nothing. My heart ‘would’ awaken at the slightest look from your eyes, the smallest words from your lips, to tell me you love me.

But some how I don’t see this happening.

I know it may seem like the easy way out, but believe me when I say this takes a lot of courage. I would love to say I know what awaits me and that I will be in peace, yet I can’t.

Please tell the others I cared for them deeply.

W

*-*-*-*

She closed the aged paper and place it back in the book, where she had found it. A letter written by her Great Aunt. It must have been scandalous when she had the affair with a woman, then to commit suicide. Had Willow known history repeated its self so closely to the letter she may have made a few changes. {But then I may not be where I am now.}

Her thoughtful attention was interrupted by her lover standing over her. "Will you come to bed already, it’s four in the morning."

Willow turned her head to look into his deep blue eyes. "Sorry, I was just researching," she sighed.

"And what did you find?"

"That I love you more than anything, and I would change a single thing," she responded.

He leaned down and kissed her lips. "I love you more than I ever thought I could." Willow smiled as he gently pulled her to her feet and led her to bed. "You know, one of these days I will make an honest woman out of you."

"‘Mrs. Willow The Bloody’," she giggled. "For some reason I like it."