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He Thought Of Me

After "The Replacement".

*~*

He came to me before even thinking of Anya.

A whole week has gone by since we merged the two Xanders into one and I still can't get that one thought out of my mind.

He chose me over the girl he 'loves'.

I don't know why that gives me all these warm tingly feelings inside. I thought I was past that- past those feelings of Xander that always brought nothing but pain with them. How could I let myself even go there again? After all the heartache we've caused each other?

But, here I am, all tingly just looking over at him. Goddess, I'm a sap. A part of me feels guilty for even feeling this way. It's not right to Tara, that's for sure. He is my first true love, though, and in a way he completes me more than Oz or Tara ever did or could.

How did one little thing like him thinking of me before Anya get this far? It's not like it means anything. He's just scatter-brained. Of all the people in the city, he knew that I would believe him, that he could say the exact things to make me know it was him. That's the only reason he came to me first.

"Hey, Wills."

I swallow once before looking up, trying to shake the 'bad' thoughts from my mind. Here he is, the object of my recent dreams, sitting next to me looking absolutely delish. I really could just eat him up if he'd give me a chance.

No. Bad, bad Willow! There will be no eating of Xander. No!

"Hey Xan," I manage to croak out, hoping he doesn't notice how fake my happiness sounds. How can I be happy when he's so close I could touch him?

"So."

"So," I repeat, glancing around the empty magic shop. Giles had asked us to come by after hours to help with inventory only to leave before Xander even got there. So it looked like it was just me and Xander. Doing inventory. All alone. In a quiet shop. With mats in the back.

Goddess. There those bad thoughts are AGAIN!

"We should get started on inventory."

Ok. I know he didn't just mean to brush my hand with his. He was just reaching for the list Giles left for us. So why did it send shivers up my spine? Just one little touch? "Yeah. The inventory."

Grabbing a list, I make my way to the back of the store, as far away from Xander as I can go without making it obvious that I am trying to get away. I can hear him, humming to himself across the store as he starts to count the various bottles in the shop's window. The sound is low and seductive and I can almost imagine that it is his voice, whispering in my ear as we make out.

Sighing, I start to count the talismans hanging from the rack in front of me. Maybe if I just concentrate on this I can get through the night without making a total ass of myself. Thirty-nine of the ones to keep away vermin. . .twenty-one of the ones to catch true love. . .Oh yeah. This is working. No thoughts of Xander for the past. . .five minutes.

"Don't forget the ones in the closet." I read quietly to myself, glaring at the piece of paper in front of me. How much work does Giles expect us to do in one night? It's not like we're even getting paid.

The closet is dark and I flip on the light, only half surprised to see that the light is barely enough to cause shadows. I think it's a prerequisite in Sunnydale that if you have a closet the light cannot be working properly. At least not when you need it to be.

Like now.

The box I want is on the top shelf, next to another one marked 'eye of frog'. Ew. That's just too wiggy. Eyes of those little creepy amphibians in little froggy jars waiting for some hapless magic user to come in and buy them. No one seems to be buying, though. The box has dust all over it.

Standing on the edge of a metal folding chair, I reach up for the box, teetering slightly. "Aaghh!" Why do I have to scream like such a girl? I grab for the shelves, steadying myself in time to avoid a near-fall.

"Wills?"

I hear him run into the room and chuckle softly, knowing exactly what I'd see if I turned around- Xander, looking for all the world like he's about to save me from some big, mean closet demon. He's always been like that. Though when it comes down to the time to actually do the saving its usually *me* helping *him*. "I'm fine, Xan. Just trying to get this box down and the chair keeps wobbling."

"Let me help."

His hands are on my hips before I can even think of anything to say to him. Conscious thought leaves my brain at the slightest touch of his body against mine. It's only his hands, steadying me, but it feels like it could be so much more. *Should* be so much more.

"Will, are you okay?"

He's looking at me with those big concerned eyes, their brown depths seeming more liquid tonight than they ever did in the past. Why didn't he and I try to make things work during high school? We could have. If it hadn't been for Oz and Cordelia, we would have. But they were there, of course, and we didn't.  I lick my lips. "Yeah, Xan. Fine. Just need to grab the box then I can get down and-"

He chuckles. "Babbling. Get the box. "

I nod, turning back and reaching up for the box of talismans. It falls towards me and I instinctively drop back, forgetting that I am on a ladder. Thank the goddess Xander's there to hold me steady. I'm in his arms before I realize it, trembling at how close I came to falling and injuring myself. "My hero."

Ok. I did *not* just purr at Xander. My face heats up and I know I must be bright red. How in the hell am I going to explain such an obvious come on? "Can you. . .put me down?" My voice is barely a whisper as I look anywhere but his face.

"No." His eyes are dark when I finally meet them again and I see a hint of what we had for a brief time back in high school- lust, desire, want. "Am I really your hero, Wills?"

"Always have been," I murmur, unable to tear my eyes from his face. His tongue creeps out to lick along his lower lip. What happens next might as well be slow motion. Our heads inch down, lips so close I can feel the warmth of his breath blowing over mine. Then, we are kissing, and its so right and so wonderful. I can feel all those emotions I tried to deny about him coming back to the surface in one big tidal wave of love.

"Wills." He sighs into my mouth and I pull back. This isn't right. What about Tara? What about Anya? What about the fact that he and I aren't supposed to be doing this ever ever again? That we had put it all behind us.

"I'm so sorry, Xan," I whisper, pulling out of his arms and dropping the rest of the way to the floor. I scurry out of the room, dropping the box on the counter and retreating into the back rooms. Hopefully he won't follow me. I want this more than anything but it just can't be. He doesn't want me that way- it's been proven time and again. Something wet hits my hand and I realize I'm crying.

He hasn't even said anything to me and already he's broken my heart.

Again.

Sitting on the edge of a stack of mats,  I lay back- staring up at the painted ceiling. How could this have happened? Yet another fluke in a long line of flukes.

So why does this one hurt more than all the others?

"What are you sorry for?"

I don't even bother to look over at him as he sits next to me, the mats crumpling under his weight. My chest hurts with the pain of our actions- with the conversation to come. "For kissing you." My eyes close, trying to stop the tears that are pouring from them.

He laughs and I almost turn to look at him- almost open my eyes to see him smiling. I love it when Xander smiles- he's so handsome. "Wills. In case you didn't notice- I. Kissed. You."

My eyes fly open. Licking my lips hesitantly I whisper. "You did?"

"Yep." He leans up and I am treated to a view of his face, handsome and smiling. "So- if you can't be sorry you kissed me. . .are you sorry I kissed you?"

I shake my head. "No. But it's wrong, Xan. We'll hurt each other again." My voice trails off as the tears over take me at last. I tried to be strong, but I can't. Only Xander can do this to me- tie my emotions up into knots and make me so confused all at once.

He sighs, his warm breath blowing over my face. "I've been thinking about you a lot since that night." He doesn't even have to say which one- I already know in my heart. "I realized that of all the people in the world- you are the one who understands me the best. You are the only one I can turn to and *know* you won't turn your back on me." There's a smile on his face as he looks down at me. "I realized how stupid I had been to let you go when I had you."

"You-you were?"

He nods. "Totally moronic." His lips were hovering over my neck, blowing warm air over the sensitive skin. I shivered, arching up, trying to feel their moist pinkness against my flesh. Then he says the words I want to hear but can't quite cope with. "I broke up with Anya yesterday."

My heart leaps, doing a desperate dance in my chest. Its almost too painful, to hear him say he was free again. That he had left her. "You did? Why?"

The look on his face is almost pained as he raises it to look me in the eyes. The murky depths of his own brown orbs are filled with desire and love and I catch my breath.  "Because I want to be with you, Wills. I realized that. You really are my soul mate. I know I made mistakes in the past. But I want to make them all right again. I want. . ."

I don't even care to hear the rest of what he's saying. My lips crash into his as I arch up. Those are the words I have wanted to hear for my entire life and, Tara or no, I want to hear them now. She's a great person and she will make someone really happy one day. But not me. No one can make me happy like Xander can.

My heart has always known that.

He is almost impossibly still for a moment as I press my lips to his and my heart skips yet another beat- has he stopped wanting me? Then he open his mouth, his tongue darting into my own, rubbing against mine in the subtle touch of a lover. He fits against my body so perfectly as I rub my hands along his back, sighing into his mouth. "Xan. . .der."

He pulls back, looking down into my eyes and the smile that lights his face is like the sun shining in the midst of a storm. He's gorgeous. Not in that Brad Pitt kind of way- but in a boy-next-door, best friend kind of way. His face is one that I know can never look at me in anger. No matter where we've been in life he's never been mad at me. I know he never will be. He licks his lips and its all I can do to not raise up to kiss him again. "Wills. . .I want."

I nod, heart in my throat- seeing everything in his eyes. He wanted to make love to me. Not to Anya. Not to Cordelia. Not to any nameless girl he had yet to meet. And not to any of those models in those magazines I know he has underhis bed.

He wanted to make love to *me*.

"Please?" My voice is more imploring than I meant, but the meaning so utterly clear. I want to feel his love in the most physical way known to a man and a woman. To consecrate the feelings we had always had for each other but never admitted to until now.

Sighing, his mouth touches mine again- his tongue again gently breaching thesanctity of my mouth. It slides into my mouth, gently teasing my own. His hands are pulling at the hem of my shirt, tugging it out of my jeans and I moan, the anticipation almost unbearable. So long have I wanted and dreamed of this moment.

And it's happening.

The first touch of his hand on my skin is electric. I can feel it in every pore of my body as the slightly rough touch of his palm glides up my stomach, sliding carefully to my bra. With one hand under the small of my back he lifted me up, pulling the shirt over my head. I heard the cloth fall to the floor in a whisper of cotton as he stared down at my chest.

"Beautiful. Just. Perfect." He kissed at the swell of my breasts, right above the top of my bra. The strange urge to wear the black lace scrap of cloth suddenly paid off in my mind as he tugged it down, exposing one of my nipples to the cool air of the small gym. His lips fastened over it, pinching it slightly with his teeth before suckling on it as soft as a baby. I moaned, tilting my head back and threading my fingers through his hair. Again I was lifted, this time to remove the bra entirely, his hands kneading at my breasts. I could see what he had meant now- they were perfect, fitting into his hands with just a little bit left over.

"Perfect fit?" I asked quietly, smiling at him as I raised his shirt over his head.

"Made just for me."

I barely had a chance to register the romanticism of that one statement before his lips met mine again. As our chests brushed together I felt his skin on mine for the first time, my hardened nipples rubbing over the smooth hardness of his chest. Working for that construction company certainly had done wonders for his body. He had never been this built when we were kids.

Then again- I hadn't wanted him for his body back then either.

"Need you, Xander," I whispered, leaning up to lick the rim of his ear as he nuzzled the hollow of my neck. My hands fumbled desperately at the button of his jeans, one of my nails chipping in my eagerness. I could feel my underwear soaking, just thinking of him sinking into me. I growled in frustration, drawing a small chuckle from my childhood friend. Moving my hand aside he stood, freeing the clasp on his pants. I stood too, slowly removing my remaining clothing.

Finally, naked, we faced each other. For the first time we looked at each other, and I liked what I saw. He was well built- better than I had thought. It was hard to even have imagined his body with all the bulky clothes he usually wore. But, goddess, he was *built*. "Xan. . .can't believe you've been hiding all of that from me." I smirked, walking up to him with what I hoped was an air of confidence. Leaning against him, I felt the hard length of his manhood press against me, the softness of the organ pressing into my stomach. I bit my lip to keep from crying out.

"Wills. If you knew what I had been hiding. . .how would you have kept your hands off of me?" he purred, leaning down to nibble on my neck. I shuddered with each nip of his teeth on my skin, leaning harder into his embrace.

"I. . ." I licked my lips, trying to fight back my panting breath long enough to speak to him. "I wouldn't have." Looking into his eyes, I know love for the first time in my entire life. A love to last a lifetime. He was right- we're soulmates. "Xander. . .take me? Please?"

Lifting me into his arms, Xander laid me gently on the mats. Their coolness elicited a small gasp from me and I found his tongue invading my mouth again, the hardness of his shaft hovering hesitantly over my core. I moaned as he began to sink in- his thickness stretching me to the point of minor pain.

"Wills," he moaned, finally nestled deep in my body. I rocked up against him, trying to urge him on to further movement. "Stay with me? Be mine?"

I nodded, gasping as he began to thrust into me. "I've always been yours, Xan. . .always." Leaning up, I met his mouth with my own, drowning out my own cries as he pushed into me. The friction between our bodies was unbelievable, sending miniature waves of pleasure coursing through me with every thrust- spreading out from clit in a storm of emotion so strong I couldn't have controlled them if I wanted to.

One of his softly calloused hands made its way up to my breast, twirling the hardened nipple between his thumb and forefinger. It was unbelievable, the sensation of him teasing me with his hands even as his cock filled me. He was whispering my name, leaning down to kiss my lips even as he continued to pleasure me in other ways. I sighed, returning his entreaties with my own as I arched up against him.

I knew he was close when he closed his eyes, bracing his forearms on either side of me so that he could speed up his thrusts. Pushing my body up to his in time to his movements, I could feel my own orgasm teetering at the brink- ready to wash over me. He thrust hard, crying out my name and I let myself go- falling over that edge of pleasure I had been riding for what seemed like an eternity. I could feel him spasm within me, shooting the efforts of our love-making deep inside me as I shuddered with my own release. "Love you, Wills. . .love you."

Naked and sweating, I looked up into his softly smiling face. "I love you too, Xan." He rolled off of me and I sighed, half in content, mostly in disappointment that our time together was over. With silent prayers, I rolled over to look into his eyes. "So. . .what does this mean?"

"Well. . ." Xander drawled, reaching up to play with a piece of my hair. I cuddled closer to his body, feeling the softness of his skin and hardness of his muscles play against my own flesh. "I was sorta hoping this means we can be together." He kissed me. "Finally." Another kiss. "At last?"

Slowly, as his lips continued to get re-acquainted with mine, I thought over what he had said. He wanted to be with me. Me and only me.

I liked the sound of that.

Tomorrow I would have to tell Tara. It was bound to be painful- but it needed to be done. I mean, Xander is my life. Always has been and always will be. "I think I can handle that. Me and you- together."

"Good." Xander smiled, looking at me. His eyes were the most precious shade of brown- full of love and desire. "How about we go back to my apartment and. . .talk? These mats aren't very comfortable."

Kissing him one more time I rose, giving him what I hoped was my sexiest smirk.

Talking about the future was definitely something I could deal with.