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Scenes from a Cell Phone

• "Ricky, baby! How are you? No, I just saw in the trades. Yeah. Three picture deal. Anything there for me?"

• "Monogamous? Ha, ha, ha! Pay or play, honey."

• "Get your massage, and call me on the cell phone."

• "No, we did this UNBELIEVABLE diet."

• "My gardener just quit."

• "He's going to Paramount? I thought he was talking to Disney!"

• "I can't take this business anymore. Uh... move to Oregon and raise chinchillas."

• "Her trainer? (Gasp)"

• "Look, not every child actor is in rehab. Just call his manager!"

• "I put my life on those pages. Five years of my life. And now you want to cut my heart out?!"

• "I don't care if it's three auditions, Sid. I don't care. I have a bikini wax scheduled at 2:00 and I'm not missing it!"

• "Take the San Diego, to the Santa Monica, to the harbor, and then to the Pasadena. No, no, uh, you could, um, how about Ventura to the Golden State, and the 405 to the PCH? Wait, wait, wait, no, there's mudslides at the PCH -- oh, fuck it, just take a plane, man."

• "Look, look, CBS is offering you good money, right? NBC is offering you good money, too. But Fox, they're offering you stupid money."

• "I love the subtext, keep the subtext. Just spell it out."

• "It's funny, we just think it could be funnier. Maybe, ah, 20% funnier."

• "How should I know if it's any good? I'm the only one who's read it!"

• "No, no, no, we want it emotional. We just don't want it depressing!"

• "Benedict Canyon. 1.3, that's a fixer."

• "I love your script, and I know just how to fix it."

• "Is this a relationship?" "I don't know, is it?" "If it isn't, we're not having sex anymore."

• "She just had her face done again. Next month, she's redoing her ass."

• "I hate Ohai. They don't have any Korean restaurants!"

• "I don't like what an 818 area code says about my career."

• "What does he drive?" "A Toyota." "Oh, forget him!"

• "Where is he?" "He's in intensive care, but I can get to him."

• "You're kidding. She's 45 if she's a day!" "She's a young 45."

• "Well, I -- no, I want my own credit. Single card: assistant to consulting producer."

• "There's no news yet, but I left word for my therapist to page me, OK?"

• "Yeah, I hear you. She's 14 and has the body of an 11-year-old."

• "Honey, I'm so sorry I can't come to the funeral. But my son has a callback. It's Spelling!"

• "It's been in development for over a year. Spent God knows how much on startup costs. Now what are we gonna do? We're up to our asses in chimpanzees here!"

• "You got me net points? Does the name Art Buchwald mean anything to you?"

• "You stay home and deal with the cook and the gardener, see how much you like it!"

• "So we'll tell him, 'Yeah, great, but you know, we're investigating a few other possibilities.' He's in the business, he'll know it's a brushoff."

• "So they took that fat from my thighs and they put it into my face. You should see my smile!"

• "You go to my wife with this, you can forget a new trailer this season."

• "She got into the best preschool in the Valley! Do you know how many directors' kids go to that preschool?"

• "I respect the audience, I just don't respect their intelligence or their taste."

• "Suicide is stupid when they're doing so much with liposuction now!"

• "Which Spago?"

• "What are you wearing to the Johnny Depp retrospective?" "The navy Donna Karan."

• "He traded the Lear up for a Gulf Stream."

• "Never ever fuck an actress with a series on your own network."

• "Take the 405, to the 101, to the 10, to the 134..."

• "The worst! She lost her pool man and her trainer on the same day. Ugh!"

• "Yep, drug free for twelve years. I don't consider valium a true drug."

• "They rented an English manor for their prom. A small one."

• "Ma'am. I have talked to the sub-agent. I have talked to the sub-sub-agent. Now, I really want to talk to the agent. OK?"

• "We're holding firm at 3.2." "How about 2.3?" "Let me get back to you."

• "My cell phone battery went dead in the middle of the Beverly Center." "No!" "Yes!"

• "Alright, cancel my 8:00, switch my 8:30 to 10:00, and move my entire afternoon to tomorrow morning."

• "Whatever you do, stay away from the mocha java."

• "He's lying!" "So are you." "Yeah, but I'm telling the truth about lying!"

• "I'm going up Coldwater, so if I lose you, don't take it personally." "Sure." "I'm leaving you." "What?"

• "My realtor found a house for me in Sherman Oaks." "That's great!" "Yeah, except I have an 818 area code." "Well, what's wrong with an 818 area code?" "I don't like what it says about my career."

• "She's had work done." "Where?" "In Switzerland." "No, I mean, where?" "Her ass. She had it lifted an inch and a half." "Ooh!"

• "Mr. Gordon's office." "Is he there, please?" "Who's calling?" "This is his mother calling." "Will he know what this is regarding?"

• "No, I'll tell you when we sell the stock. We're not moving on anything... no, YOU drop dead, Mom!"

• "Do you know how important Mickey is?" "No, how important is he?" "He's so important that he has somebody who goes to the Laker games for him." "He's more important than Jack Nicholson?" "Well, nobody's more important than Jack Nicholson..."

• "Yeah, Connie. I just pulled into the parking lot, but there's a big fat guy here, looks like a process server. I need you to bring down my mail and coffee and a bear claw."

• "Any messages?" "Your mother, your psychiatrist, and the pool guy." "Get me the pool guy." "Right."

• "I'm sorry, sir, we've no tables at 8:00." "How about 8:05?" "How many in your party?"

• "Alright, get me that guy from that show who does that thing."

• "I just got this great script off the internet."

• "We absolutely loved your script! We just need to lose 25 pages and make it a little funnier."

• "I'm telling you, Michelle, this guy is the best upholsterer in L.A. He does all the stars." "Like who?" "Jay Leno's couch." "The actual couch?"

• "Oh, please. I mean, it was almost like he had never touched breast implants before."

• "No, no, you're breaking up, I can't hear you. I'm losing you. Yeah, I'm heading into the canyon. I -- "

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