Contemplation

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#003399" TEXT="#080000" background="03fc8c00erkjxk.jpg"> <div> <B>Fourth in the 'Transitions'series</B></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#0066CC" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#99CCFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>Smiles, Tears, & Happy Endings</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFF99" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CC0000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>  |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Smiles, Tears, Happy Endings"><U>home</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Brandys Stories"><U>Brandy's Stories</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Other Side"><U>The Other Side</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Getaway"><U>Getaway</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Deserved Recognition"><U>Deserved Recognition</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The End of These Days"><U>The End of These Days</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Moving On"><U>Moving On</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Lessons Learned Shared"><U>Lessons- Learned & Shared</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id43.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="So, I Had This Dream..."><U>So, I Had This Dream...</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id214.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Perfect Plan"><U>The Perfect Plan</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id215.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell"><U>The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id216.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Whole New Story"><U>A Whole New Story</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id217.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="What Are Friends For? 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He realized he had been rolling along in a sort of fog for the last few months, going through the motions, believing what was convenient and easy for him to believe, putting out the assorted fires of his personal and professional life as they came along. All the while never looking at the big picture.</div> <div>   There had been all kinds of warnings and signs. Little things he should have paid attention to and didn’t. Moments he could have taken advantage of and didn’t. So many things. It all tended to blur together after a while into one big mistake. </div> <div>    ‘Oh, well’, he thought, ‘should have-could have. It’s all water under the bridge now.’ The real question  was,  where to go from here? That was why he had returned to his office, after assuring Donna that he was going home. He knew when he told her that that it was a lie- that he wasn’t about to go home. Home had too many complications. Too many diversions. He also knew that Donna wouldn’t leave unless she thought he was going home. So he had gone through the motions , for Donna’s sake. Then he  returned to the only sanctuary he had left. He really had done a good and proper job of screwing up  his life, he thought with  grim irony. Home was supposed to be your sanctuary from work and the world, not the other way around. </div> <div>   He had the sneaking suspicion that if he went home now,  Amy might very likely be there waiting for him, wanting to continue the hellishly depressing conversation that they had been having before Donna called to tell him about Simon. What was it she had said? " We should be able to talk about this…" Yeah, they should. The thing was, he and Amy didn’t talk to each other like normal giving and loving couples should. They had conversational jousting matches. </div> <div>   The worst thing about that was that Amy always seemed to be more than willing to knock him off the symbolic horse, going straight for the chinks in his armor. Of course, he was always  showing her exactly where those chinks were. But then, wasn’t that part of building a relationship? The giving and sharing- the ability to let down your guard and let your significant other know about your fears and vulnerabilities, secure in the knowledge that they wouldn’t use the information to clip you in the knees.</div> <div>    He expected stuff like that in his profession- politics was a constant game of ‘what have you done for me lately’. There wasn’t a player in this town that didn’t have an eye on their piece of the pie. Some did it for the higher purpose- the greater good. Others did it for far less altruistic reasons. </div> <div>    He had always tried to keep his professional motivations separate from his personal life, and for the most part he had succeeded. Once before he had to use his personal relationship with someone to  further the administration’s agenda, and he hadn’t liked it. In fact, he still felt guilty over a decision that wasn’t really his decision at all. With that thought in mind, it obviously begged the question, if he could feel that kind of guilt over using an old friendship like that, how could Amy use her relationship with him with such guilt-free ease? </div> <div>    Actually, that was answered quite easily- they obviously didn’t play by the same rules. Did he think she would see the wrongness in her actions and do a sudden turn around? No- not much chance of that. In fact, she had made that quite clear when he called her on it. So, what now? Break things off, or try to get past it? </div> <div> With that question on the table, he automatically wondered if it was possible to get past it. Because in order to get past it, he would have to figure out a way to trust her again. Nope….he didn’t quite see that happening. The welfare bill wasn’t the only thing- it was just the last in a long line of incidents where Amy had used him, and the things he shared with her, to handicap him on his own playing field. In fact, this latest stunt had damn near put him on the bench. The reaming out he received in the Oval Office was a perfect example of that. Nope, without trust, the idea of him and Amy was pretty much dead in the water. Of course, he had a feeling they had been drifting aimlessly with no direction or purpose from almost the beginning. So all that was left was the messy chore of  breaking up- and he was fairly sure it would be on the messy side. One last blood-letting before everything was said and done. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but the other option was far less appealing.</div> <div>   It didn’t surprise him that, with that decision clear in his mind, he heard Donna’s words echoing in his head…</div> <div>    " Josh, you just can’t go around tumbling into girls sideways, then wait for them to break up with you…" </div> <div>   Well, he may have tumbled into Amy sideways, but he was tired of waiting. Time was too precious, and you only got so much. Sometimes far less than you thought you would have. Why waste it? You would think he would have learned that lesson already. </div> <div>   Josh was about to reach for the phone when he saw Toby  out of the corner of his eye, leaning in his open doorway. </div> <div>   " Hey- I thought you had left for the day", Josh said, mildly surprised. He thought he was just about the only one left on that side of the building. </div> <div>   " I did. I came back", he replied quietly.</div> <div>   " Yeah- me too." </div> <div>   " I was wondering how you managed to get Donna to leave ahead of you. She usually sticks by you, no matter how long it takes."</div> <div>   Josh looked at Toby for a minute, wondering if there was more to that statement than it appeared. As usual, Toby’s expression was inscrutable. No clues to any deeper meaning there. Finally, he shrugged and said, " I find that if I engage in just enough subterfuge, I can, on occasion, get past the finely honed radar of my able assistant." </div> <div>   " Meaning that you led her to believe you were going home, when you actually had no intention of doing that  at all." </div> <div>   " Yeah, pretty much."</div> <div>   " Good. She needed the break."</div> <div>   This time when Josh observed Toby, he was sure that Toby was trying to tell him something. Trying to get him to read between the lines. Usually he sucked at reading between the lines. Sometimes he even sucked at reading the actual lines. Tonight though, he seemed to be having an unusual period of insight.</div> <div>    He continued to look at Toby as his mind pieced several things together. The first was Donna’s impassioned remarks to him the night before, especially the part when she explained CJ’s need so eloquently. Then when he asked who had been there for her, she evaded the question. </div> <div>   He remembered last year, being pissed that Toby had been the one to tell Donna about the President’s MS, and Toby‘s typically understated, yet obvious praise of the way she had reacted. </div> <div>   Last , but not least, he had a hazy memory of Donna and Toby speaking in soft tones in his hospital room, during one of his rare moments of consciousness in the days just after his surgery. Donna thanking Toby- thanking him for ‘being there’. At the time her words didn’t seem that important. Now…. now, they seemed to take on a whole new meaning. Now it all made sense. </div> <div>   " You were the one, weren’t you? The one who helped her that night?" Josh finally asked. </div> <div>   For a long moment Toby didn’t say a word, and Josh thought he was going to deny it , or at the very least pretend that he didn’t know what Josh was talking about. He should have known better. Toby didn’t do evasion- not with him, and not when it was important.</div> <div>    " Yeah. It was me", Toby replied without elaboration, and although he halfway expected Josh to ask questions about what happened, Josh merely nodded, a thoughtful expression on his face as he put it all together in his mind. </div> <div>   " Toby?" </div> <div>   " Yeah?" </div> <div>   " I owe you one. Thanks." </div> <div>   " No you don’t….if you owe anyone it’s Donna" Toby observed in his typical straight to the point way.</div> <div>   " Yeah, I know that too." </div> <div>   " I hope so…" Toby sighed, almost to himself, then suddenly changing the subject he asked, " So why did you come back here? Is something going on that I don’t know about?" </div> <div>   " No… I was just seeking a little peace and solitude to figure some things out." </div> <div>   " Feeling guilty about getting Amy fired?" Toby asked with a hint of a smirk. He didn’t like Amy any better than he’d liked Mandy. He had a grudging respect  for the barracuda-like proficiency with which they both attacked their jobs, but like them? No- not very much. Josh had the most atrocious taste in women of any man he knew- with the one exception.</div> <div>   " Actually she’s resigning…but, to answer your question- no." </div> <div>   " No?" Toby asked, a little surprised. That didn’t sound like Josh. </div> <div>   " No- I mean, I was at first- but then she told me something, and I realized that I wasn’t responsible for this particular avalanche. I just tried to get as many people out of it’s path as possible. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t one of them", Josh replied, realizing as he said the words just how true they were.</div> <div>   " So what was the thing?" </div> <div>   " Huh?" Josh replied, having momentarily lost track of the conversational flow.</div> <div>   " The thing- the thing she said that made you realize-"</div> <div>   " Oh, that- she basically said, that faced with a similar set  of circumstances, she’d do it again." </div> <div>   " I believe she would", Toby said after a moment. </div> <div>   " Me too." </div> <div>   " So- what now?" </div> <div>   " We’re done. If fact we’ve been done for a while. It’s just a matter of making it official."</div> <div>   " Okay." Toby said quietly, turning away as if to leave. At the last minute, he turned back to see Josh  moving towards the phone once again.</div> <div>   "Josh-" </div> <div>   " Yeah?" </div> <div>   " Don’t do it over the phone." </div> <div>   " Why not?" </div> <div>   " She could hang up on you- then you’d still have to talk to her, only she’d be ready for you. Besides, from what I hear, you don’t have the best luck with Amy and phones." </div> <div>   Josh shook his head, a wry smile on his face and asked, "Donna told you about my cell phone, didn’t she?" </div> <div>   In response, Toby gave him a look that clearly said, ‘what do you think?’.  Chuckling a little, Josh got up and grabbing his jacket, followed Toby out. He had things to take care of, and there was no better time to start than right now. No more wasting precious time. </div> <bR> <bR> <div> The End</div> <div>    </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>