Control & Choices

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She wanted to try to fix whatever she had broken when she had crossed whatever invisible line she had apparently crossed. Instead, all that came out was, " Good night." </div> <bR> <div>   Donna returned the sentiment and once again was on her way. CJ stood in the doorway for a moment longer before closing her door with a heavy sigh and taking a seat behind her desk. </div> <bR> <div>   ' Well, that could have gone a whole hell of a lot better,' she thought. </div> <bR> <div>  CJ knew she had wandered into areas that were, at the very least, sensitive with Donna. She knew- more than most- how protective Donna was of her relationship with Josh. She knew what a complicated assortment of veils and masks accompanied the way they presented themselves to both each other and the rest of the world. Who was she to strip away all that and try to force either of them to do something contrary to what they were doing? </div> <div>   CJ knew a lot of what she had said to Donna about "...doing anything that doesn't involve Josh Lyman", had a lot more to do with her anxiety over her relationship with Ben than  Josh selling Donna "a bill of goods". When had she become so wrapped up in control and limitations in her relationships? When did she become convinced that sharing your life with someone meant giving up control of your destiny? Control and limits was an acceptable, undeniably necessary, part of her professional life- but when had that become a condition of her personal life? </div> <div>   CJ glanced across her office at all the camping gear scattered around and thought of how she had jumped at the excuse to call Ben and cancel their trip. For what? Less than an hour later she was free to hit the open road... or go home to a rerun of Letterman. Yeah,  that comment had stung. Donna had obviously felt bad after saying it, but it hadn't made the observation any less true.  'And whose fault is that, Claudia Jean?', she asked herself. </div> <div>   She groaned aloud at the mess she had made with Donna- not to mention the 'two steps forward, three steps backwards' progression of her relationship with Ben. Yeah... she was just the person to be giving relationship advice. Feeling more weary than she had in a long while, she leaned her head back against her chair and closed her eyes. </div> <div>   After a moment or two, her eyes flew open at the tap on her door. She had a fleeting hope it was Donna, but that notion was quickly dispelled when Toby cracked open the door and poked his head inside. </div> <bR> <div>   " What are you still doing here?" he asked</div> <bR> <div>   " We crashed. I didn't escape in time, unfortunately," CJ muttered. </div> <bR> <div>   " Yeah... I mean- why are you still here? I thought you were supposed to be out on your action adventure weekend in the great outdoors," Toby said with a little smirk. </div> <bR> <div>   " Yeah... well, stuff happens." CJ replied, with a pointed look at Toby. Obviously receiving her unspoken message to 'drop it', he changed the subject. </div> <bR> <div>   " I had an interesting little interlude with Will during our lockdown." </div> <bR> <div>   " I assume you smacked him around over Russell's remarks..." CJ ventured, as she watched Gail's carefree progress around her bowl. </div> <bR> <div>   " Yeah... we talked about that some- but he seemed more interested in discussing my impending retirement," Toby replied with deceptive carelessness. </div> <bR> <div>   " You have plans that I'm not aware of, pal?"</div> <bR> <div>  Toby shrugged without answering, then said, " He did bring up something that's been hanging around in the back of my mind though..." </div> <bR> <div>   " What's that?" CJ asked, showing and feeling more interest in the conversation than she had a moment before. </div> <bR> <div>   " He asked... he was pressing the issue of ...what's next? What do we do after this? " </div> <bR> <div>   " After what? This day? This week? This term?" CJ asked, suddenly looking annoyed. </div> <bR> <div>   " Apparently, this term.  Our last, by the way. The end of which- if you listen to Will- is approaching faster than we think." </div> <bR> <div>   " So... Junior has you contemplating your sunset years, huh?" CJ asked with a hint of a smirk. </div> <bR> <div>   " Not just mine." he replied, with a pointed look at CJ." Yours too." </div> <bR> <div>   " You know what, Toby- you're just the ray of sunshine I needed to top off this evening. If it wasn't enough to have one irritating, ill-advised,  counterproductive conversation..." </div> <bR> <div>   " With whom?" </div> <bR> <div>  " Donna." </div> <bR> <div>   " Donna?" Toby repeated, his brows shooting up in interest. </div> <bR> <div>  " Yes, Toby- Donna. Donna and I were stuck in here during the lockdown, and I had the brilliant idea of sharing my opinions on how she should conduct her personal and professional life," CJ stated, her voice rising dramatically by the time she finished speaking. </div> <bR> <div>   Toby didn't say anything for a moment, then with a small grin replied sarcastically, " Judging by your mood, I'll just take it that your advice was well received?" </div> <bR> <div>  " Oh yeah- it went peachy. She went from being embarrassed and affronted, to not wanting to talk to me at all. I just wanted her to understand that there's more to life than Josh Lyman. " </div> <bR> <div>   " You don't think you have enough to occupy your time... you really wanted to wade into the quicksand territory of what goes on between the dynamic duo at the other end of the hall?" </div> <bR> <div>   " What can I say? I'll plead temporary insanity, brought on by thoughts of sleeping in the woods with bats, bears and mountain lions," CJ replied, shrugging as she tossed the pen she had been twirling to the other side of her desk. Then glancing at Toby, she added," You know she's going on the CODEL with Andi, right?" </div> <bR> <div>   " Yeah." </div> <bR> <div>  " Did you also know that Josh led her to believe that it was some big opportunity, when it's really nothing more than baby-sitting the press?" </div> <bR> <div>   " I know it looks that way. Things aren't always the way they look." Toby replied. </div> <bR> <div>   " What's that supposed to mean? Is there something else to this trip that I don't know about?" </div> <bR> <div>   " No. Just... a fresh pair of eyes couldn't hurt, right?" Toby asked without really expecting an answer. </div> <div>   CJ sat there watching him for a moment, then got up and started gathering her things. She was muttering to herself as she did this. Toby caught a lot of what she was saying , but not all of it. </div> <div>   " CJ ? " </div> <bR> <div>  " What?" she asked, looking up. </div> <div>  </div> <div>  " What are you doing?" </div> <bR> <div>   " I'm leaving.... and I'm going to try to catch up with Donna. I need to maybe walk back some of the things I said to her..." </div> <bR> <div>   " CJ... leave it alone. Whatever you said... well, Donna's a smart woman. She'll figure out what's right for her. Sometimes people need to have things shaken up for them a little, it forces them to react." </div> <bR> <div>   " But what if ... because of what I said, she reacts in a way that's not the best for her?" CJ asked quietly. </div> <bR> <div>   " It's her decision," Toby replied with a shrug. " Come on. Let's get out of here." </div> <bR> <div>  CJ stood undecided for a moment, then, with a sigh, she grabbed the rest of her things and followed Toby out. She wouldn't try to talk to Donna tonight. Maybe before she left on the Middle East trip... or maybe not. Toby was right. She had to make her own choices now. They all had choices to make- either now or in the future. The trouble was that the future seemed to come faster and faster. They had so little time to enjoy the 'now'....</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><U> Donna's apartment</U></I></div> <bR> <div>  </div> <div>   Donna walked into her living room, and after placing her keys on the end table closest to the door, she dropped her bag and the CODEL briefing book on the sofa. It wasn't really that late, but Donna found that she was emotionally and physically exhausted. Of course, she had spent the evening working, only to follow that up with another in a long line of 'false alarm' lockdowns. Then- to top it all off- her delightful little 'heart to heart' with CJ. She dropped down on to the sofa, and kicked off her heels. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the message light blinking on her machine. In an action that was based more on reflex than any real desire, Donna reached over and hit the button to play her messages. </div> <bR> <div>  <I> " Donna... it's Mom. Call me when you get a chance.... whenever that might be. Bye- love you." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>  " Ms. Moss, I'm from Sprint, and I'm calling to offer you-" </I></div> <bR> <div>  Rolling her eyes she hit the delete button to move onto the next message. </div> <bR> <div>   <I>" Hi, Donna... this is Rick Jameson- from the thing tonight... I just wanted to call and see if maybe I could get a rain-check on that drink. I'll try you later..." </I></div> <bR> <div>   Echoes of CJ's earlier comments about anything that 'didn't involve Josh Lyman' followed the end of that message, although Donna did her best to push them aside. </div> <bR> <div>   <I>" Hey... it's me. I guess I missed you again. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay. Give me a call if you get this early enough. Okay.... bye."</I> </div> <bR> <div>   Josh...</div> <bR> <div>   Donna was just about to reach over and pick up the phone to call him when she stopped herself- hearing CJ's voice ringing in her ears again.</div> <bR> <div>   <I>" Josh Lyman sold you a bill of goods...." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>  " He'll never find anyone as capable as you- I wouldn't let you go either..."</I></div> <bR> <div>  Was that really the way it looked? Did she really look so....gullible? Was it really as black and white as CJ painted it- or was there another layer to it all?</div> <bR> <div>   She wished there was a way she could step away from everything and look at it objectively, but there wasn't. </div> <bR> <div>   Was she- with the exception of her growing feelings of restlessness and uselessness- happy, in an overall way, with where she was?</div> <bR> <div>   Yes and no. </div> <bR> <div>   She wanted more. She wanted to have more of an impact, to have her contribution count on a larger scale- but- she didn't want things to change dramatically. Or did she? It was all so confusing...</div> <bR> <div>   Did she make career decisions based on what was best for her... or what was best for Josh?</div> <bR> <div>   Or had they become so intertwined at some point that it was impossible to tell the difference? </div> <bR> <div>   And what would happen when their term in the White House was over, and she was no longer   working side by side with Josh? What then? What came after that? Anything? </div> <bR> <div>   Finally, she was forced to ask herself a hard question. The hardest question of all- especially in the wake of the things that CJ had forced out in the open...</div> <bR> <div>   Would she have sacrificed the things she had, endured everything she had in the last five years if Josh Lyman hadn't been a part of it all? </div> <bR> <div>   She tossed the question over and over in her mind for quite some time, chewing it over, until finally, she knew. She had known all along. It was all so utterly simple. A rueful smile turned the corners of her mouth and with a sigh, she picked up the phone and dialed a number she knew by heart. She smiled brightly when the person on the other end picked up. </div> <bR> <div>   " Hi, Mom... I'm not calling too late, am I?"</div> <bR> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ </div> <div>  </div> <div>   </div> <bR> <bR> <div>  <I><U> The night before Donna leaves with the CODEL- Josh's office ~</U></I></div> <bR> <div> It had been a busy few days for Donna. She had arranged for two temps to take over her workload while she would be gone. She knew from experience that one would never be able to cover the kind of hours Josh would demand. She had spent the last two days familiarizing the two with everything that was either current or in the works for the next couple of weeks. Somewhere in the midst of all that, she had also managed to pack, and arrange her personal schedule around the trip. With all that activity, she and Josh had barely had time to speak to each other about anything but the most necessary work-related things. Now, it was eight-thirty in the evening, and the bullpen was as quiet as it ever got. There was nothing left on either one's schedule until the morning. If they were going to have a chance to talk- to spend any kind of time together before she left- this was it. In twelve hours she would be on a plane headed to the Middle East. </div> <div>   She stood in the doorway of Josh's office and waited while he finished his last scheduled call of the day. He looked in her direction as he was winding up the call and made a face that demonstrated his annoyance at the long-winded Senator on the other end of the line. Donna couldn't help but smile, because nothing in his voice betrayed his rapidly diminishing patience. </div> <bR> <div>  " Yes, Senator Allen, I'll certainly make sure the President understands your concerns. Yes... goodnight, Senator." </div> <bR> <div>   With a dramatic sigh, Josh replaced the phone in the cradle. Slanting a look at Donna he said, " You couldn't have manufactured some dire emergency that required my attention.... anything to get me off the phone with that tool?" </div> <bR> <div>   Donna chuckled a little, knowing that Josh was only half-joking. </div> <bR> <div>    " You did okay. I was actually impressed. You refrained from calling him names or yelling... you're not taking some mood-altering medication, are you?"  </div> <bR> <div>   " No. I have, however, used up my quota of patience for members of Congress with anatomy displacement disorders." </div> <bR> <div>   " Anatomy displacement disorders?" Donna returned, her brow quirked in amused curiosity. </div> <bR> <div>   " Otherwise known as chronic head-up-ass syndrome," Josh replied with a grin.</div> <bR> <div>  Donna couldn't keep herself from laughing at that, all the while thinking that it was probably a good thing she was the one leaving on the CODEL tomorrow and not Josh. </div> <bR> <div>   Josh smiled at the sound of her laughter, and thought how much he was going to miss that sound while she was gone. He was going to miss a great deal about her, but he knew this trip was the best thing for her. It scared the hell out of him on a variety of levels, but he knew it was time. In fact, it was past time. </div> <bR> <div>   " You all ready for tomorrow?" he asked, acknowledging that some part of him wanted her to say 'no' . It was a selfish, paranoid part of him, and he willed it to the back of his mind, where it belonged. </div> <bR> <div>   " Yeah... I wanted to talk to you about that. Are you done for the night?" She asked, already knowing that he was. </div> <bR> <div>   " Unless you know something that I don't..." he replied with a shrug and a smile. </div> <bR> <div>  " Many, many things- but nothing regarding your schedule for tonight." </div> <bR> <div>   " So- I'm all yours, then, " he stated, wondering if his smile looked as forced as it felt. He had a feeling this wasn't going to be your normal, everyday 'I'm leaving on a jet-plane tomorrow-won't see you for two weeks' type of talk</div> <bR> <div>  Donna took a seat in the chair across from him, trying to figure out the best way to say what she both needed and wanted to say. Finally she just decided to spit it out. </div> <bR> <div>   " CJ said something to me the night of the lockdown.... She said.... Did you get me on the CODEL just to shut me up?" </div> <bR> <div>   Josh just sat there for a moment- seemingly unable to process the question she was asking. Then, it hit him that she was actually serious. </div> <bR> <div>   " No! Absolutely not. Why would you think that?" </div> <bR> <div>   " It's just... when you told me about it- well, it seemed like I would be doing more than handling the press contingent... and now that I've seen what I'm actually supposed to be doing-" </div> <bR> <div>  " Since when have you ever been inhibited by a set of specified guidelines? Of all the people I know- with the possible exception of myself- you are the one most likely to think outside the box," Josh replied with quiet sincerity. </div> <bR> <div>   Donna couldn't help but be a little knocked off balance by his answer. Not just the words, but the subdued nature of it. She had expect indignation- anger even, but that hadn't come out. He just seemed confused, and maybe a little hurt.</div> <bR> <div>   " So... you meant it when you said that you wanted me to report back to you and Toby. It wasn't just... a diversion?" </div> <bR> <div>   " I try to always mean what I say, Donna." he replied, again quietly and with earnest. </div> <bR> <div>    'Even if I don't always say what I mean,' he thought. </div> <div> .  </div> <div>   " I'm sorry... sorry if it seemed as though-" </div> <bR> <div>   " Just out of curiosity, what exactly did CJ say to you?" Josh asked, cutting off her apology. </div> <bR> <div>   " It's not important... there was a lot going on, and I said stuff and she said stuff. I... let's drop it, okay?" </div> <bR> <div>   Josh shrugged and nothing was said for a few minutes. The silence between them, while not exactly uncomfortable, was heavy. Finally, Josh broke it. </div> <bR> <div>   " I imagine that she said that I'm holding you back... keeping you with... keeping you where you are on purpose. I know you've been offered a lot of opportunities, and I haven't exactly been encouraging as I could be. I can get a little single-minded sometimes," he admitted with a shrug and a self-deprecating half-smile. </div> <bR> <div>   " Josh, I was only joking when I made that comment about you chaining me to my desk. Well, I was mostly joking," she added the last with a little teasing grin. </div> <bR> <div>   " Sometimes humor masks great truth." </div> <bR> <div>   " Who said that?" </div> <bR> <div>   " Me- I said it," Josh admitted, with a sheepish smile. </div> <bR> <div>   " Joshua Lyman,  poet laureate of the West Wing.... somehow, I think Toby would take exception to that." </div> <bR> <div>   " Violent exception, I'm sure- but that doesn't make it any less true. What I said about humor and truth, I mean." </div> <bR> <div>   " So when you're making your funny, funny jokes you are trying to communicate some deeper meaning to me?" Donna asked. </div> <bR> <div>   " Sometimes," he admitted finally, then after a moment added, " I guess I can see how she would see it like that- that I'm holding you back You've done so much... proven yourself so well .I don't tell you that enough. I guess, it feels like I'm taking you for granted at times- but I'm really not." </div> <bR> <div>   " I know, Josh. I mean, I know you don't mean to. It's just that things get ignored, pushed aside... delayed. I do it too, Josh."</div> <bR> <div>   " Yeah... sometimes we get so wrapped up in the day-to-day chaos we can't see past the end of our nose. But I really don't ever want you to think that I don't value you and what you do here. I'd hate to make you feel like you had to go somewhere else to achieve the kind of fulfillment you're looking for." </div> <bR> <div>   Donna watched him carefully for a moment, wondering if she was hearing more than he intended to say. In the end she decided to take the comment at face value- at least for now. </div> <bR> <div>   " Josh, I said I wanted to 'grow in my job', not away from it. Maybe I just want to shake up the status-quo a little- not so much a departure as a change. Does that sound so bad?" </div> <bR> <div>   " No," He replied with a slow smile. " In fact, it doesn't sound bad at all." </div> <bR> <div>   " Good." </div> <bR> <div>   They shared a quiet look and, at least for the moment, it felt as though they had reached a new level of understanding of each other. </div> <bR> <div>   " You know- the last time I was going off on a trip you promised to take me to 'The Hawk & Dove' for a drink. How about you finally make good on that offer?" </div> <bR> <div>   " You want me to get you drunk the night before you go on a transatlantic flight?" Josh asked with a smirk. </div> <bR> <div>   " Like you could get me drunk, Josh..." Donna replied, rolling her eyes at him and grinning. </div> <bR> <div>   " I could try...not that I would," Josh countered, getting up and grabbing his jacket.</div> <bR> <div>   " Why not?" </div> <bR> <div>   " You think I want to deal with you all hungover tomorrow morning? No way." </div> <bR> <div>   " Who says you'll see me in the morning?" Donna asked with a funny little look. </div> <bR> <div>   " I was going to see you off at the airport tomorrow morning... What? You don't think I was talking about..." he let the sentence linger off, his face turning a little red at the unspoken implication hanging in the air.</div> <bR> <div>   " No... uhmmm that's not.... I didn't know you were planning on coming to the airport. I thought..." </div> <bR> <div>   With a little grin, Josh handed Donna her bag and said, " Let's go get that drink I owe you, and  table any other thoughts until you get back from your trip. Okay?" </div> <bR> <div>   Donna flustered embarrassment was soon replaced by a smile that started with the curve of her lips and ended in her eyes. She nodded and said a quiet "Okay."</div> <bR> <div>    Josh closed his door behind him and they walked out of the building together into the warm spring night. They both knew they were on the verge of making some important choices, but they had reached a new understanding, and that was an important beginning.</div> <bR> <div>        The End....</div> <bR> <div>                (for now)</div> <bR> <div>   </div> <bR> <div>   </div> <bR> <div>   </div> <bR> <bR> <div>   </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>