|
|
 |
My Little Spot on the Web | home
_________________________________________________________________
20 Tips
20 Tips to Help Put the Brakes on a Relationship.
1. Suggest that she'd look amazing in a super-short haircut and talk her into getting one. After she does, look at her sideways and say : "Hmmm, it doesn't look as good as I thought it would."
2. When she's around, arm wrestle her little brother or the kid next door and never let him win. Proclaim loudly with each of your victories : " That's right, you pansy, you'll never win at anything. Never!"
3. Ask her if she knows whether restraining orders last for life or if they have time limits on them. When she questions why , say : " No reason. I was just wondering."
4. Stop tipping when you're out with her, reasoning that: " If these people aren't smart enough to get better jobs, they deserve what they get and not a penny more."
5. Tell her you received a notice from the IRS that you're being audited and declare proudly that you returned it with "BITE ME" written across it. If you ain't tipping, you sure as heck ain't paying taxes.
6. Have fun casting the movie of your lives and suggest either
Kathy Bates or Penny Marshall to play her.
7. Tell her you maxed out all your credit cards and want to borrow one of hers so you can get a DSL Internet connection for faster downloading of , uhh, hmm, uhh , research materials.
8. Explain to her the Fat Elvis is your hero and order only fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches whenever you're out with her. If the restaurant can't accommodate your order, snarl at the waitress and say: "Elvis ain't happy about this, little lady, and you don't want no unhappy Elvis on your hands."
9. Ask her how her day was, and when she start's to tell you, snap back at her " It's always all about you, isn't it?!"
10. Pay for everything in coins -the smaller the denomination the better. Keep them in a coffee can and carry it around with you.
11. Take her to see a 'chick-flick' and then stifle laughs at the really poignant parts. (Laughing out loud will only tip your hand and piss off other moviegoers.) Whisper " I'm sooo sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." But keep it up through the whole movie.
12. Tell her that when you were a kid you glued your dog's paw's to the carpet because he wouldn't stop following you around. When she expresses shock at your cruelty, say: "Oh, lighten up, he only had to have two of his toes removed."
13. Ask if, instead of going out, she would like to stay in and help you catalog your porn-magazine collection. ( If she says yes, consider yourself a lucky man and burn this list."
14. Just once, cry out "Yeah Grandma Yeah!" or her mother's name during sex. Then vehemently deny doing it and tell her she needs to get her hearing checked.
15. When she's around, limit your TV viewing to only 'The Man Show' WWF matches and History Channel weapons specials. ( Basically, you don't have to change your viewing habits, just make sure she is there while you are watching. )
16. Change the part in your hair ( if you part it on the side, switch to the middle or the other side). When she notices -AND SHE WILL- tell her you ran into one of your ex-girlfriends and she said she thinks your hair looked better the way you wore it when you and she were dating.
17. Mention that you think homeless people are homeless by choice, that people in third-world countries should simply move to a better place and quit their whining, and that the smells of old people and babies make you nauseous.
18. Insist that her cat or dog won't stop staring at you and demand that she put it in the other room -or better yet, outside- whenever you visit.
19. When she point's out an outfit she likes, respond, "Yeah, it's great, but you have to have the right body to pull it off."
20. Grab a brew, get nude and trim your toenails in front of her.
By Suzanne Perreault - Real Edge Magazine
|
|
