Letting Go

by Laura Jacquez Valentine

Note: Like Mentor and Wintergreen, this story is set in an a/u, Laura's 'Overloaded Spock Operator' universe. To complicate matters, however, the OSO universe has budded an a/u of its own, and Letting Go explores the consequences as Spock continues his liaison with Pavel Chekov.

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek, the associated universe, and the characters. I am using them for the purpose of this story, I promise I won't break them, I won't sell them to the other kids, and I'll put them back when I'm done.

I do not love him. I cannot love him. I have loved Jim so long and so faithfully, almost since we met--and has my heart been stolen so easily by this boy? Pavel smells of wintergreen, and his breathing is slow and even as he sleeps on my bed and in my arms.

I watch him sleep. I love to watch him sleep.

Yes, that much I will admit. I must burn out his desire for me soon, before I lose the will to do so--but I will miss watching him sleep.

He surprised me with his passion, with his control, with his strength. He and I are both bruised. It is not an uncommon occurrance since we became lovers. I am Vulcan-strong, and he is forceful.

I rub the bruises on my wrists and remember the first time I touched him, comforting him when he confessed to loving Sulu. And so much later, when he kissed me, his mouth intoxicating and human-cool. (I crave humans with an intensity that frightens me. I crave the taste and smell of them. I crave Pavel in particular, wintergreen-sweet Pavel, son of Russia.) I remember the first time we were together, when he held me down--he still does--and bit me until he drew blood.

I cannot love him. I must not love him.

Oh, Pavel-kam-

He shifts a little in his sleep, pressing his body against mine. I want nothing more than to hold him forever.

He does not love me. I am sure he does not love me. There is respect, and trust, and affection--not love.

Or there was not love at the beginning. It has been some time since I lowered my shields with him. I am afraid of what I might find in him. I am afraid of what he might find in me.

He and I ate lunch together today, and we discussed the warp vector problem we have been working on. We have been eating, sleeping, and working together. We have been exercising together. We have watched the stars together at night, when I have finished my chess game with Jim. We have become companions, not merely sexual partners.

I must not love him. I will not love him.

I rouse him and draw him to me, kissing him, running my hands over his body until he moans against my mouth and his erection presses against my thigh. I raise my hand to his face and begin the meld for the little-bonding. His mind welcomes me so easily-

I know we are making love. I can feel him within me, feel his mouth on mine, feel my fingers holding him to me and my orgasm building. But it is external--I am lost in his mind. I cannot trace the pathways to burn them out. I cannot light the nerve-fires.

He loves me. Affection and respect and trust deepened each time we touched each other, with each moment we spent together, and he loves me as easily and naturally as he breathes.

I will not love him. I do love him. I could no more stop loving him, thief of my heart, than I could kill myself.

"Pavel--" His name is muffled because he is kissing me. He pulls away.

"Spock?"

"Pavel-kam, I must tell you--"

"I know," he says, "and I had hoped."

He senses my confusion through the meld. "Deepen the meld, Spock. That's an order."

//You overreach yourself, Ensign,// I answer, inside his head.

//And you never reach far enough, Commander. Deepen the meld.//

And I do. I weave our minds together. I touch the sore place where he loved Sulu, and the sore place where I loved Jim. I once told Jim he would not survive the Enterprise and me. Now he will not have to.

Pavel wakes me early, and we crowd into the shower together. The new-formed bond is raw but strong; a true-bond. I have never had a true-bond before. I feel whole for the first time in my life. I reach out along the bond and his mind answers, as wintergreen sharp and sweet as the rest of him.

I pull him into my arms and kiss him. Oh, my Pavel-

I am surprised to discover that I am crying.