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E.B.E

MULDER: I want to talk to some people when we get back to Washington.

SCULLY: Mulder, the military isn't going to talk about classified aircraft.

MULDER: No, these guys are like an extreme government watchdog group. They publish a magazine called "The Lone Gunman." Some of their information is first-rate; covert actions, classified weapons. Some of their ideas are downright spooky.

THE LONE GUNMEN'S OFFICE; WASHINGTON, D.C.

(Mulder and Scully are sitting in front of the window. A man named Langly, long hair, unshaven, Ramones t-shirt on, is walking around. Another man named Byers, clean-cut, moustache and beard, suit and tie, is standing in the corner. The third man, named Frohike, is small and toad-like, takes a picture of Scully.)

LANGLY: So, check it out, Mulder, today I had breakfast with the guy who shot John F. Kennedy.

MULDER: Is that so?

LANGLY: Old dude now, but yeah. Says he was dressed as a cop on the grassy knoll.

BYERS: And, Mulder, listen to this. Vladmir Zhirinovsky, the leader of the Russian Social Democrats? He?s being put into power by the most heinous and evil force of the 20th century.

MULDER: Barney?

(Scully smiles, Langly chuckles. Byers seems unamused.)

BYERS: The C.I.A.

SCULLY: Hmm.

LANGLY: Is this your skeptical partner?

(Frohike takes another picture.)

FROHIKE: She?s hot.

BYERS: You don?t believe that the C.I.A., threatened by a loss of power and funding because of the collapse of the cold war, wouldn?t dream of having the old enemy back?

SCULLY: I think you give the government too much credit.

(The phone rings. Langly walks over and picks up the phone and turns on a tape recorder.)

I mean, the government can?t control the defecit or manage crime?

LANGLY: (into phone) Lone Gunman.

SCULLY: ?what makes you think they could plan and execute such an elaborate conspiracy?

FROHIKE: She is hot.

MULDER: Settle down, Frohike.

(Byers walks over to them.)

BYERS: I?m not talking about the bunch of idiots up on the hill trying to bone the capital pages. We?re talking about a dark network, a government within a government, controlling our every move.

SCULLY: How can they do that?

BYERS: How? I?ll show you how. You got a twenty dollar bill?

SCULLY: Hmmm? I?ll check.

(She digs into her back pocket, looking at Mulder, who smiles back. She pulls out a twenty.)

Um-hmmm.

(She hands it to Byers and he goes over to the table. Mulder waves his hands like ?I don?t know.?)

LANGLY: (still on phone) Uh-huh? yeah?

(Byers holds the bill in front of him and rips off its left side. Scully crosses over to him. Langly can still be heard intellegibly in the background.)

SCULLY: Hey!

(Mulder laughs. Scully looks back at him. Byers pulls out the magnetic anti-counterfeiting strip.)

BYERS: That?s just one method. They use this magnetic strip to track you. Whenever you go through a metal detector at an airport, they know exactly how much you?re carrying.

MULDER: Hey, Byers, it is a federal crime to deface money.

(Scully crosses back to Mulder, holding the ripped bill. Langly hangs up.)

SCULLY: This strip is an anti-counterfeiting measure.

LANGLY: How come it?s on the inside? Other countries put that strip on the outside.

BYERS: What are they hiding?

(Mulder waves his hands to get their attention.)

MULDER: O? o? ok, alright. What do you know about the Gulf War Syndrome?

LANGLY: Agent Orange of the 90?s.

BYERS: Artillery shells coated with depleted uranium.

MULDER: Have you heard of any classified planes being flown during the Persian Gulf War?

BYERS: Why would you need to expose a secret plane to an air force that runs to Iran whenever you take to the air?

MULDER: What about UFO activity during that period?

(Langly and even Byers laugh.)

LANGLY: Yeah, UFOs caused the Gulf War Syndrome, that?s a good one.

BYERS: That?s why we like you, Mulder, your ideas are weirder than ours.

(Mulder laughs a bit. Scully nods her head slightly in agreement.)

(Mulder and Scully are in the car. Mulder is looking through the binoculars.)

MULDER: This is it. There?s Ranheim.

SCULLY: This place has got to have the highest level of security.

MULDER: Just the kind of challenge they?re looking for.

SCULLY: Who?

(Mulder starts dials the phone. At ?The Lone Gunman? Office, Langly picks up.)

LANGLY: Lone Gunman.

MULDER: It?s Mulder. Turn the tape recorder off.

(Langly pauses.)

LANGLY: Ok, it?s off.

MULDER: Turn it off!

LANGLY: It?s off already.

MULDER: How would you like to have, on your front page, the first substantiated photo of an extraterrestrial biological entity?

LANGLY: No way, an E.B.E.? What do we have to do?

MULDER: Just hack me some identification numbers.


Transcripts taken from DrWeesh's X-Files Script Archive at http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~gjm5xx/
A full transcript of this episode is available at http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~gjm5xx/transcrp/scrp116.htm