FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT
A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers
sprinkling.
We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree,
where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb. He
has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman. Suddenly
the lights turn on.
PEEPER
(whispering)
Showtime!
We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's
window. She is wearing business attire.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy?
(takes bite of sandwich)
Well you'll feel better once you slip
off those work clothes and get into some
sweats.
The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing
her feet.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Oh my G-D, yes! I wish you would let me
rub those feet. Of course I wouldn't
use my hands. Heh heh heh heh...
He sips some wine.
The mother starts to unbutton her blouse. She takes it off,
revealing a nice bra.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Looks like Victoria just told me her
secret.
The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook. Mouthing
the words as he goes.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m.,
first brassiere sighting...
(stops writing)
I will pleasure myself to this image for
months. MONTHS I TELL YOU!
The mother starts to unbutton her pants. Her young son walks
in wearing a scouts uniform.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Young Scottie Dunleavy. What
unfortunate timing. You mother was just
getting comfy.
The son talks to his mother excitedly.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great
knots today or whatever. Now get out.
The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Now what. This simply won't do.
The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son
answers.
SCOTTIE
Hello?
PEEPER
Hello, Scottie. Why don't you go
downstairs like a good boy and let your
mother freshen up.
SCOTTIE
Who is this?
PEEPER
Just a little birdie. A birdie who
wants to see if your mother's panties
match her bra.
MOTHER
Oh my G-D Scottie. Is there a man up
our tree?
The peeper gets nervous.
PEEPER
Tell her no. Tell her it's just a big
bird.
The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises.
We SEE Scottie with his sling shot. The mother nods yes. He
shoots it. It hits the peeper square in the head. He falls
to the ground with a thud.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me. And
wear your bikini.
The peeper looks up. He sees Scottie pushing a television
out the window. It lands on top of the peeper. He's dead.
HARD CUT:
INT. HOLE - DAY
The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by on
all sides.
The peeper is falling down, down, down. The whole way
screaming like a five-year old girl.
PEEPER'S POV
We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the
peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire. He
SCREAMS.
EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL
We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES. We hear screaming. Wham!
We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in
a heap in a shallow pit of coals.
Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the
fire wall at different levels. (NOTE: All the arrivals
clothes are now burned & shredded).
GATEKEEPER (O.S.)
Welcome!
The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his
station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.
PEEPER
Am I in hell?
GATEKEEPER
What do you think?
A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area. We
leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to...
MATTE PAINTING HELL
MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN
The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell. A road leads toward it
like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals. We see
the black castle in the distance. The camera zooms into the
castle, to one particular window.
INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY
Looks like an American teenager's room - models, a dresser,
heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no
bed - Devils don't sleep). Nicky is air guitaring to the
song. Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled
"NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX."
The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring
NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.
NICKY
(embarrassed)
Hey...
JIMMY THE DEMON
Your father wants to see you and your
brothers in the throne room.
NICKY
Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is
rockin', don't forget the knockin'!
INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY
ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts. They're aiming for
people's faces that are coming through the wall.
CASSIUS
I knew it. He's finally retiring.
ADRIAN
I've been waiting on this day for ten
thousand years.
He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.
HUMAN DARTBOARD
Aaaah!
CASSIUS
If the old man picks me to take over
Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty
four seven. No breaks.
ADRIAN
Well Dad says it's the breaks that make
the torture. You have to let people
feel a sense of relief.
Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS
in the eye.
HUMAN DARTBOARD
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
ADRIAN
Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring
is what he says doesn't matter anymore.
Cassius pulls out the dart. The eye comes with it.
CASSIUS
I'll take that.
Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it. THWACK!
It splatters like a grape.
HUMAN DARTBOARD
Was that really necessary?
Nicky enters sheepishly.
CASSIUS
Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing
today?
NICKY
Good, thanks.
Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.
CASSIUS
Hey. Hey. Hey. Wanna mind wrestle?
Cassius' eyes start glowing red.
NICKY
Actually, I'll take a rain check on0
Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible
force.
CASSIUS
Got ya!
NICKY
(picking up his head)
Yes, you got me...
Nicky's head slams back down again.
CASSIUS
Got ya, again!
NICKY
(picking head up)
Got me for sure, yes...
He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the
head.
CASSIUS
Got ya! Now here's the big finish...
Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his
own crotch.
NICKY
Oh no. Please Cassius...
Nicky's hand is being possessed. It gets closer and closer
until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Aaaaah.
Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own
hand. Nicky screams even louder. Adrian smiles. They don't
notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small
devil horns), enters behind them.
DAD
What are you boys doing?
Cassius releases Nicky's hand.
NICKY
Nothing, Dad. Just re-arranging the
furniture.
DAD
Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out
of your brother's mind?
CASSIUS
I forgot.
DAD
Maybe this will help you remember.
Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the
nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the
floor.
Dad gives Nicky a wink. Nicky smiles. Dad has an air of
confidence and power.
DAD (CONT'D)
Now everybody sit down.
NICKY
Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying
down my monsters of metal compilation
tape. I really think it's a
masterpiece.
DAD
Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.
He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the
window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his
head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad
closes the curtains.
Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of
his throne. Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip
of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at
his three sons.
DAD (CONT'D)
My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was
thrown out of Heaven by G-d and rules
here in hell for ten thousand years.
And after this ten thousand years had
passed, he decided to abdicate his
throne...
Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.
DAD (CONT'D)
...to step aside.
(Nicky lowers his hand)
...and let me become the ruler of hell.
This, as some of you might know, is my
ten thousandth year as Prince of
Darkness. So I think the time has come
to discuss who will succeed me.
Jimmy the Demon walks in.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Knock, knock.
DAD
Yes, Jimmy.
He whispers in Dad's ear.
DAD (CONT'D)
No, no, that's not what I said. He can
keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta
go.
JIMMY THE DEMON
(turning to leave)
Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a
pineapple up Hitler's ass at four
o'clock.
Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention
back to his sons.
DAD
This was a very difficult decision,
because I have three wonderful sons. I
mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.
And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And
Nicky, so...so...
NICKY
Don't worry about coming up with
anything. It's cool.
DAD
Such a sweet boy. But after much
thought and careful consideration, I've
decided that the ruler for the next ten
thousand years is going to have to
be...me.
CASSIUS AND ADRIAN
(dumbfounded)
What!?
NICKY
Hallelujah.
They all look at Nicky.
NICKY (CONT'D)
I mean...tough break.
DAD
The important thing for the stability of
our rule is to maintain the balance
between good and evil. And I don't
think any of you are ready for that
responsibility yet. You need the wisdom
that comes only with the passage of
time.
CASSIUS
Dad! This is Hoyashit.
Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human
Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the
tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch.
DAD
Right. Right. Send him in.
(to the boys)
I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back
to work.
Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops.
ADRIAN
You sure about this decision, Dad?
DAD
I'm telling you, pal, it's the right
thing to do.
HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by
Jimmy. They head towards the closet.
Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out
a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks
over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.
Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends
Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...
CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES
As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.
HITLER
Holy schnit!!
EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY
Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing
with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot
looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.
CASSIUS
You work your ass off for ten thousand
years, hurting people, helping others
hurt people, then you get a decision
like that.
ADRIAN
And he's dead serious.
CASSIUS
It's just such a slap in the face.
Adrian turns to the Monster.
ADRIAN
Um, excuse me, we're having a private
conversation here.
CASSIUS
Yeah, get out of here! Beat it!
Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.
The Monster shrugs and walks off.
ADRIAN
Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa
Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in
hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm
getting tired of serving in Hell. We
need a place where we can rule.
Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns
around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back.
Cassius sees this and gets enraged.
CASSIUS
Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it
on!! Let's see what you got!
The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in
an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.
CASSIUS (CONT'D)
That's what I thought!
ADRIAN
(to Cassius)
Could you concentrate for five seconds?
CASSIUS
I am concentrating. Where can we rule?
ADRIAN
What do you think about...Earth?
Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
We could create our own hell there.
CASSIUS
You saying we go up there and kill
everyone?
ADRIAN
Eventually, Cassius. But first we
corrupt as many as we can so that when
we do destroy them...
CASSIUS
...their damned souls will be ours.
ADRIAN
It's our time, brother.
The two look at each other. They start running toward the
fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way.
GATEKEEPER
Hey, what are you doing?!?
They get closer to the fire.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
You can't go through there. The fire
flows in, not out.
They dive through the fire wall. It FREEZES.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
You know something? You guys suck! You
really suck!
Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we
hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the
firewall hard.
INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix
tapes. We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."
Pause. Dad exhales.
DAD
Now that was an experience. "You are
only coming through in waves." That
line blows my mind every time.
NICKY
Definitely.
DAD
I don't care what kind of mood you're in
at the start of that song. When it's
over, that mood has been altered. Wow.
Great shit. What's next?
NICKY
Well, I thought that after messing with
your head, I'd give you a little kick in
the keester.
Hits the tape player. "Enter Sandman" blasts.
DAD
Who is this, Metal-lick-a?
NICKY
Metallica, Dad. Come on.
DAD
I was just playing with you.
Dad and Nicky dance to the song.
INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER
CLOSE ON DAD.
DAD
I'm sorry. After careful consideration,
I regretfully have to decline.
ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.
DAN
C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one
Superbowl ring.
DAD
In exchange for eternal damnation of
your soul? You're too nice of a guy for
me to want to do that to you, Mr.
Marino.
DAN
You did it for Namath.
DAD
Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
Just go back to Earth and enjoy your
records and the Hall of Fame and the
beautiful family and all that.
DAN
This is bullshit, man.
(gets up to leave)
I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year,
with or without you!
DAD
Now you're talking.
Dan exits.
NICKY
You're a good devil, Dad.
DAD
And I also happen to be a Jets fan.
Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint
sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his
knees.
GATEKEEPER
Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have
escaped from hell. They went through
the fire, and they broke it. I think
they took the New York tunnel. I tried
to stop them, but they overpowered me,
sir.
DAD
Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off
your knees.
The Gatekeeper stands up.
GATEKEEPER
Thanks for being so understanding, your
worship. You're the man. You've always
been the man.
Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge
boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We
only see them from the front for a second.
From behind the gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the
nipples as he talks to Nicky.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
(to Nicky)
I'm lucky to get away with just the head
boobs, right?
NICKY
Coulda been much worse.
GATEKEEPER
That's what I'm thinkin'...
Dad is staring off. He looks shaken.
DAD
This is bad, Nicky.
NICKY
How bad?
DAD
I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates are
broken, no new souls can get in, which
means I'll start to deteriorate into
nothing.
GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.
LUCIFER
What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?
DAD
Everything's fine, pop.
LUCIFER
Last time you said that the renaissance
happened.
DAD
Please, pop, just go back to your room.
LUCIFER
(regarding gateskeeper)
Can I take him with me and have sex with
his head?
DAD
Sure, pop. Whatever you want.
The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.
GATEKEEPER
Oh, this is gonna be a whole new
lifestyle for me, isn't it.
EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER
We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED
SOULS in hell are sneaking off.
The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.
Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.
DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)
What's going on? Where are we?
We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud
thuds.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Nothing's getting through that. The
fire is solid as a rock.
NICKY
We gotta get this bad boy burning again.
Ideas?
DAD
To do that Cassius and Adrian have to
come back through the other way.
NICKY
So go get 'em, Dad!
DAD
I'm too weak. The process has already
begun.
Dad holds up his hand. His pink is hanging by a thread. We
see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.
NICKY
So go get 'em, Jimmy!
JIMMY THE DEMON
I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got
devil blood in me. I'd last two minutes
up there with your brothers.
NICKY
You're not saying it's up to me?
The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as
if to say, "oh no."
NICKY (CONT'D)
I've never been to Earth. I've never
even slept over at some other dude's
house!
JIMMY THE DEMON
You're the spawn of Satan. You got it
in you.
DAD
Nicky, the worst thing that could happen
on Earth is you get killed, in which
case, boom, you end up back here.
NICKY
Are you telling me I have to go to Earth
and kill my brothers?
JIMMY THE DEMON
Not go. They left together at the exact
same time. They gotta come back
together at the exact same time.
Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.
DAD
Here. Get them drunk from this. One
sip and they'll be trapped inside. Once
you've got both of them, you bring the
flask back through the gate.
Dad's pinky is hanging. Jimmy pulls it off and examines it.
The Monster gags.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Your ol' man's got less than a week.
Nicky looks petrified.
NICKY
No. This can't be happening.
DAD
Son, just do your best.
Nicky looks teary eyed. The moment is broken by the Monster,
who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.
Nicky goes through the solid fire wall. PAUSE. The Monster
taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get
a move on."
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY
A SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL
PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between
two tracks, to a putrid puddle. Nicky breaks through the
surface, sputtering. We hear a rumbling in the near
distance.
NICKY
Okay. Earth. The Blue Marble. This
doesn't look too bad.
Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and
WHAMMM!
EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER
Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in
the coal pit. His Dad limps back to him.
JIMMY THE DEMON
You were gone ten seconds. What
happened?
NICKY
I got hit by a big light that was
attached to a lot of metal.
DAD
That's a train, son. Don't stand in
front of them.
NICKY
Well, I guess I'm going to have to take
a mulligan on this one.
DAD
Please, Nicky, get back up there.
(his ear falls off)
Try to hurry.
Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY
Nicky makes it back through the hole. Looks both ways and
hops out of the hole. He carefully crosses the tracks and is
stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side.
In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to
identify their passengers at the airport. On the sign is
scrawled "NICKY."
Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.
NICKY
I'm Nicky.
Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.
BEEFY
(voice of Sandy Wernick)
Hey, terrific!! Now get off the track
and come with me, shitstains.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY
The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal
are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking
around suspiciously, talking to the dog.
BEEFY
My name's Beefy. I'm an old friend of
your father's. He's asked me to help
you out.
NICKY
I just need to find my brothers and be
on my way, Beefy.
BEEFY
It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers
can possess people. So they probably
won't look like themselves. You have to
be suspicious of everyone.
Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.
NICKY
Okay, "bro," this jig is up...
(pulling out the flask)
Just get in the bottle. Just slide
right on in there.
BEEFY
It's not me, moron.
NICKY
Oh. Sorry.
EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY
A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance. People put
money in his pot.
PREACHER
Oh how the Lord loves you. All his
children.
(passerby puts in money)
He thanks you for your kindness.
(another woman puts in money)
God bless, Ma'am. The Lord loves you...
The Lord loves you...
We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind. The PREACHER
sniffs.
PREACHER (CONT'D)
The Lord does not love you. I
sense...pure evil.
(thrusts his cross in Nicky's
face)
You make the Lord very nervous.
(feeling hot)
I'm burning...ahhh.
(running away)
The Devil walks among us!
He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.
PREACHER (CONT'D)
Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!
He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance. He
disappears. Beefy turns to Nicky.
BEEFY
Makin' friends already.
NICKY
(shivering a little)
It's freezing up here, Beefy.
BEEFY
You're on Earth now, kid. Gonna have
the same physical needs and limitations
a human has. We'll stop by K-mart. Get
you some warm clothes.
NICKY
I also have this odd pain in my mid
section. Kind of a hollow feeling...
BEEFY
That pain is hunger.
EXT. BENCH - DAY
K-mart bag is next to a bench. PAN UP to see Nicky wearing
an extra warm SKI OUTFIT. Sitting next to him on the bench
is Beefy. Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED
CHICKEN. Nicky takes out a drumstick.
NICKY
So far, so good. Now what?
BEEFY
Put it in your mouth.
Nicky puts it in his mouth. Holds it there.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Move your teeth up and down.
Nicky does. He chews for a long time.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your
head back and let the meat slide down
your throat-hole.
Nicky does. He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.
NICKY
Hey...Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!
BEEFY
It sure is. Now eat it up. You're
gonna need your energy.
NICKY
I got energy up the ying-ying. Let's
get cracking!
NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right
into the path of a moving bus.
INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER
The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs. The
gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra. He seems to be
enjoying it. We hear a THUD. They look down to see Nicky on
the ground. (We didn't see him flying through this time.)
The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop. Kind of
embarrassed.
GATEKEEPER
Hey.
NICKY
That's a pretty brassiere.
GATEKEEPER
Thanks.
NICKY
Could you maybe not tell anyone about
this?
GATEKEEPER
You got it. Could you maybe not tell
anyone about this?
NICKY
You got it.
Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall. As soon as his
back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I
love your boobs." The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh
(we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).
EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY
Beefy is walking with him down the street. Nicky is crazy
cautious.
NICKY
From now on. I'm just going to avoid
all moving metal objects.
BEEFY
Great. Now your father gave me some
deposit money for a nice pad on the
Upper East Side. But I misplaced it.
FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club. Champagne
is on the table. Bills in his mouth. We see THREE DANCERS
dancing for him.
FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. VILLAGE STREET
Nicky and Beefy.
BEEFY
So I found this other joint for you.
But you're gonna have a roommate.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the
phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.
TODD
(on phone)
I know exactly how you feel... The night
Reagan was elected, I said to my mother,
"Is this man going to blow up the world,
Mommy?" Then we both cried for like an
hour.
(knock at the door)
Somebody's here. Call you later.
Todd gets up and opens the door. It's Nicky, with Beefy by
his side. Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.
NICKY
Hello, friend, my name is Nicky. I
understand you're seeking a roommate, as
per your advertisement in the Village
Voice. Would it be possible for me to
fill the slot?
TODD
Uh, don't you want to know what the rent
is?
Nicky looks down at Beefy. Beefy looks up at Nicky. Both
nod imperceptibly.
NICKY
Yes. What is rent?
TODD
Eight-hundred, split down the middle.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with
my scene partner so the living room will
be off limits.
NICKY
Off limits.
TODD
Right. And as far as household items:
we can share the soap, but we'll split
the cost 60/40.
Cause the person who physically goes out
and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay
as much as the other guy.
(looks at Nicky)
Aren't you boiling in that outfit?
NICKY
No.
TODD
It's like eighty degrees in this
hallway. You from the South?
NICKY
Yeah. The deep South.
Nicky laughs a little too hard.
TODD
Why is that funny?
NICKY
I don't know.
TODD
And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.
Todd turns and goes into the apartment.
BEEFY
You'll be alright. Go on. Big day
tomorrow. Don't forget to do that sleep
thing I told you about.
NICKY
Got ya.
(to Todd)
Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?
TODD
Yeah, your bedroom is right over there.
The door closes. Beefy looks down at the welcome mat. It
reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING. Beefy raises his leg over
it.
INT. NICKY'S ROOM
Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully
clothed. When he inhales through his nose, we hear that
familiar snoring/snorting sound. But when he exhales, we
hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.
SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands,
looking concerned.
EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING
We HEAR the bells toll. We see the beautiful exterior of a
large church.
INT. CATHEDRAL
CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL. He ascends the
steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation.
We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service. He
gins his homily.
CARDINAL
In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who
we are to live if we wish to attain the
splendor of Heaven... or something like
that. Jesus sure says a lot of stuff in
the Bible. Moses this. Moses that.
Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat.
The crowd stares dumbfounded. We see that the Cardinal is
standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box
with the top open.
CARDINAL (CONT'D)
Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of
hibbity-jibbity. But has he ever really
done anything for us? Has he ever put a
Jaguar XJR in my driveway? Has he ever
given any of my enemies the herpes? No.
He hasn't done a damn thing for any of
us.
A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
The Lord gave my son the strength to get
off drugs.
CARDINAL
Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me,
he was better off on drugs. He's a
bore. At least when he was smoking
hashish, he made me laugh occasionally.
A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.
YOUNG MAN
After we tried for many years, the Lord
finally helped my wife conceive a baby.
CARDINAL
No, your best friend Fitzie helped your
wife conceive a baby. He helped her
conceive it all night long.
Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts
to "raise the roof." Then thinks better of it. The Cardinal
points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.
CARDINAL (CONT'D)
How about you, Mr. Mayor? The Lord ever
do anything for you?
The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.
MAYOR
(standing)
Well, I wish I could think of something,
Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I
can't. Kind of makes you wonder if
there even is a Lord. If there is any
ultimate punishment for our so-called
"sins." Maybe we should all just have
fun and do whatever the hell we want.
A hubbub is raised by the crowd. Fitzie raises the roof
again, this time energetically.
CARDINAL
Amen to that. Let the sin begin!
The hubbub grows to a roar. Several PEOPLE start fighting
over the money in the collection plate.
The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor. We hear the
Cardinal's thoughts - in Adrian's voice.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Oh, this is delicious.
ON MAYOR
He's smirking. WE HEAR his telepathic response.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
(laughing)
"Let the sin begins" - that was a good
one.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Well, we must get people sinning if we
want to fill up our New Hell. How are
things going down at City Hall?
CASSIUS (O.S.)
I lowered the drinking age to ten.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Brilliant. This is so much fun. I
never want it to end.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Why should it end? Who's gonna stop us?
The Mayor/Cassius laughs. As he does, his eyes slowly cross.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk. PAN OVER TO:
Nicky, his pants around his ankles. He's trying to do the
same.
NICKY
This is intense! And it happens every
day? Sometimes twice? I gotta tip my
hat to you people!
BEEFY
Look, it's okay for me to shit the
street. But you gotta use a toilet.
NICKY
(pulling up pants)
Okay, just point me in the right
direction next time.
BEEFY
Come on, there's like ten million people
in this city and the clock is ticking.
NICKY
Well, let's rock and roll.
Nicky looks at the next person walking by. It's a CHINESE
DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle. Nicky clotheslines him, taking
him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Get in the bottle. Dad's falling apart.
You froze the gate and you're killing
him. Drink!
Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips.
CHINESE DELIVERY GUY
I'm not thirsty! I'm not thirsty!
NICKY
just get in the flask!
The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick
to the head and runs away. Nicky gets up.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Adrian and Cassius! You think a kick to
the head is gonna make me throw in the
towel? Well, in the immortal words of
Judas Priest, "You got another thing
comin'."
Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the
bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Nicky approaches various people as they pass. (To be shot
long lense, real people, real reactions.)
INT. POPEYE'S - DAY
Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the
Cashier to drink. The Cashier yanks his head away and gives
Nicky a dirty look. Nicky shrugs and points to the menu,
ordering some chicken.
EXT. STREET - DAY
nicky walks up to a homeless man. He thrusts the bottle in
his face. To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes
it and drinks. Nothing happens. Nicky is baffled. He tries
to take the flask back, but the man won't let go. Finally he
grabs it away from him. The man starts throwing garbage at
Nicky as he walks away.
INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY
Beefy is looking around for Nicky. He spots him - inside the
polar bear cage. Nicky approaches the bear holding the
flask.
INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER
Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again.
The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs.
GATEKEEPER
Bus?
NICKY
Beast.
The Monster laughs.
GATEKEEPER
(to Monster)
You like that? You think that's funny?
The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
How about that? You like that?
The Monster howls with delight.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY
Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a
Popeye's drumstick.
NICKY
All that running and chasing is making
the sleep thing want to come early.
BEEFY
I think we have to work on narrowing
down our list of suspects. Now I'm
going to go check in with some of my
contacts uptown.
Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores. He's asleep.
Beefy sighs.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just
begging to come out...
Beefy walks away.
EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY
Nicky snores. Masses of birds fly out of the trees. Nicky
snores. Squirrels run out of trees. Nicky snores.
ON WORRIED PEOPLE
Staring at Nicky who continues to snore. Two HEAVY-METAL
GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a
goofy dance. They hear something and turn the music down:
it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore.
PETER
Sounds like our devil dance actually
worked this time.
JOHN
'Bout time...
Nicky snores. It sounds like "I will eat your hearts." The
worried people run away. Nicky snores. Children on the
Carousel, going real fast, upset. Nicky snores.
Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench.
JOHN (CONT'D)
There's our man.
PETER
Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties
to the dark side.
A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky. He eyes
the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket.
JOHN
What's with that guy?
PETER
Gotta be one of his disciples or
something.
Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten
drumstick) and runs off.
JOHN
Yo, man, I think that devil guy just got
ripped off.
PETER
Should we wake him up?
JOHN
Yeah. You do it.
Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud
SNORT.
PETER
Rise and shine, devil guy. Some dude
just stole your shit.
Nicky feels for the flask. It's gone.
NICKY
Oh nooooo....
Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Which way did he go?
JOHN
That way.
Nicky is about to run off. Looks at John's shirt.
NICKY
Iron Maiden live double disc is simply
phenomenal.
He runs off.
PETER
Did you check out the dragon mouth?
JOHN
The Dark Prince is here.
EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY
Nicky is searching the street for his flask. He walks past
several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the
sidewalk. PAUSE. Nicky comes walking back into frame as he
sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the
blanket of the VENDOR.
NICKY
Hey...
STREET VENDOR
See something you like, my man?
NICKY
Yes. I would like my flask back.
The street vendor stands, very angry.
STREET VENDOR
You callin' me a thief, my man?
NICKY
No, I'm just calling you... a guy who
has my flask.
STREET VENDOR
And if that is your so-called "flask,"
how would I have it unless I was, in
fact, a thief?
NICKY
(not sure what the answer is)
I don't know?
A YUPPIE JOGGER is checking out the flask.
MAN
Yeah, how much for the silver flask
there?
STREET VENDOR
Well, that's a very special item. The
cap itself is one hundred percent
plappium. It's a value is over three
thousand dollars.
MAN
Really. Where's it from?
NICKY
It was handcrafted in hell by Satan
himself and is only to be used for the
capture and containment of my blood
brothers so that the firefall of Hades
will burn brightly once again.
MAN
Really. I think we'll let you keep it
then.
He walks away.
STREET VENDOR
Okay, now you gone and done it. You
done messed with my business bitch!
NICKY
Sir, I would prefer if you didn't raise
your voice. It's making my muscles
tighten.
We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red.
STREET VENDOR
Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on me?
I'll show you some crazy eyes. Let's
get busy.
The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts
swinging his fists around.
Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, is
selling clothes off a spread out blanket. She notices what's
going on.
Nicky's eyes widen in panic. Just then, Valerie steps in.
VALERIE
Excuse me, does that flask belong to
this man?
STREET VENDOR
(frustrated)
Now you callin' me a thief? Damn.
VALERIE
Look, I know you come out here and sell
stolen stuff all the time. But today,
the guy you stole from just happened to
walk by and bust you. So why don't you
admit today's not your day and give him
his flask back?
STREET VENDOR
Or what're you gonna do about it? Ugly
me to death?
VALERIE
No, but maybe that cop over there might
have something to say.
Valerie points to a cop across the street. The Street Vendor
ponders this for a second, then...
STREET VENDOR
Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.
(looking at Valerie)
And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes
and find a new corner. Before I show
you what real crazy is.
The vendor does crazy eyes again.
VALERIE
Fine. I will.
Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.
NICKY
Hey, mister. I'll be seeing you in a
few years.
Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky
follows her.
NICKY (CONT'D)
That was amazing. Thanks so much. You
didn't have to do that.
VALERIE
That's okay. I get messed with all the
time and when I saw him doing that to
you I just lost it. I hate when people
take advantage of tourists. It ruins it
for the rest of us.
NICKY
You think I'm a tourist?
VALERIE
I'm sorry. I just assumed. Your accent
maybe. Where are you from?
NICKY
The South.
VALERIE
Really?
NICKY
Yeah. Deep south.
(laughs hard)
She laughs along with him, not sure why.
VALERIE
Why are you laughing?
NICKY
I don't know, but I like it. Say. Your
glasses are nice. They make your eyes
look sparkly and big. It's fun to look
at them.
VALERIE
My dad's an optometrist.
NICKY
My dad's in hell, and he's falling
apart.
VALERIE
I'm sorry. It's really tough when your
parents get older.
NICKY
If I don't save him, I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
VALERIE
Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like
you will figure something out.
Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her. He
hands her the half-eaten drumstick.
NICKY
Here, have a Popeye's. This drumstick
ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'.
VALERIE
That's alright. I already ate lunch. I
actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati.
NICKY
Could I come with you to getting a
Gelati?
VALERIE
If you want to.
NICKY
Want to? A million angry octopus people
couldn't hold me back!
VALERIE
"Octopus people?"
NICKY
Uh, it's a deep south expression.
Nicky laughs.
EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER
They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.
NICKY
It's freezing my hands.
VALERIE
It's not that cold. Here, let me wrap
it.
Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky. Just
then the PREACHER walks by. He quickly turns his head,
sensing Nicky.
PREACHER
Why do you taunt me with your darkness?!
Your evil is stinking up our streets!
We're all gonna die!
He takes off running right into a lamp post.
VALERIE
This town is really going to hell
lately.
(Nicky nods)
So what part of the city do you live in?
NICKY
I have an apartment. I don't remember
exactly where. My dog knows, though.
VALERIE
(laughs)
You have a dog? What kind?
NICKY
I'm not sure. I'd ask him, but he's
uptown talking to his contacts.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY
Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.
BEEFY
Remember, it's not the size of the boat,
it's the motion of the ocean.
GIRL DOG
Just finish.
EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY
VALERIE
I'd love to have a dog. But I go to
school full time. It wouldn't be fair
to the dog.
NICKY
School?
VALERIE
Parsons School of Design. I knew
growing up I wasn't much to look at, so
I put my energy into making things that
are pretty.
NICKY
What's that pleasant smell coming from,
your skin?
VALERIE
My perfume?
He takes her wrist to his nose. He stares at it, licks it.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
(laughs)
It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific."
Which I think is the French word for
coconuts.
Nicky stops and looks at her.
NICKY
Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch
of butterflies flapping around in my
stomach. Is that normal?
VALERIE
Sometimes, sure.
NICKY
Good. I was concerned.
EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY
The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall. We hear loud
wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side.
GATEKEEPER
Doesn't sound very good behind there. I
hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth.
The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather
biker's hat. He nods along in agreement.
PAN TO LUCIFER
Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of
fire/pond.
LUCIFER
You know, I was the one who created
Hell.
GATEKEEPER
I know, your wickedness.
LUCIFER
I started slow, though. For years, I
was just giving people hot foots.
Actually, you can give all the credit
for Hell to my first wife; she was the
inspiration. She was an ugly one, too.
One day, she asked me if I wanted super
sex. I said I'll take the soup.
The Monster laughs really hard.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
Take it easy there, Chewbacca. In fact,
you look like her mother, except she had
more hair.
The Monster laughs even harder.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
You know what was in Hell when I came
down here, Cassius?
GATEKEEPER
It's Stanley, sir.
LUCIFER
Nothing. No mountains. No castles.
Looked like a giant parking lot. It
wasn't even called Hell.
GATEKEEPER
What was it called, sir.
LUCIFER
Boogerland!
GATEKEEPER
That's nice, Grandpa. Why don't you
just enjoy the fishing?
LUCIFER
I can't enjoy anything. I go fishing.
I catch nothing. I go to orgies, I
catch everything...
We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's
fishing line to:
EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY
We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook. A
giant fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body. Only his head
is sticking out.
PEEPER
I deserve this!
EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY
Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.
KID
I just stole twenty-five bucks off the
bar.
KID #2
How many beers did you have?
KID # 3
Eight sips.
KID
I had five! I'm so wasted.
They both high five, throw up and fall. PAN over to ADRIAN
sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle
of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.
ADRIAN
When an adult goes to Hell, that's
terrific. But when a child goes...
that's why I'm in this business.
Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with
Valerie. He's shocked.
Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her
collection.
NICKY
So you're saying, make all pants with a
drawstring, then heavier set gals don't
have to feel humiliated by telling their
waist size in front of the whole store?
VALERIE
Basically, yeah.
NICKY
Wow. Maybe you should make drawstring
socks for gals with fat ankles.
Valerie laughs.
VALERIE
You know what's nice about you? You
just seem happy being yourself. You
don't try to act cool.
NICKY
Thanks much. You know what's nice about
you, Valerie?
VALERIE
What?
Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden. NICKY looks like he's
been stunned by something.
NICKY
Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.
VALERIE
What was that?
NICKY
(shocked and confused)
I...I don't know why I just said that.
I meant to say that...
QUICK CUT TO:
Adrian's eyes flashing.
NICKY (CONT'D)
...I've always wanted to have sex with a
gross pig. What do you say we go behind
that dumpster, pull our pants down and
see what happens?
Valerie's very hurt.
VALERIE
You're a jerk.
She turns and walks away. Nicky looks over and sees Adrian.
His inner voice speaks to him.
NICKY (O.S.)
ADRIAN!
ADRIAN (O.S.)
You shouldn't have come here.
NICKY (O.S.)
Please, get out of my mind!
Adrian's eyes flash.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Hey, Valerie!
She stops and turns. Nicky RAISES his fist to resist
Adrian's force. It's too much. His middle finger comes up,
giving her the "finger."
VALERIE
What the hell's your problem?
She runs away crying. Nicky turns to Adrian who's still
across the street.
NICKY (O.S.)
Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell.
Dad's sick.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
He's sick?
NICKY (O.S.)
Yeah, he needs souls to live. When you
guys left, you broke the gates. We
gotta get the gates burning again before
he dies.
Adrian processes this.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
He should have thought of that before he
denied me my birthright.
NICKY (O.S.)
Well maybe you should go back and talk
it over with him.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
How about this? I stay here enjoying my
Schnapps and you go back.
Nicky's body jerks around.
NICKY (O.S.)
Adrian, please...
Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and
crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large
truck bearing down on him.
JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them. Peter looks
down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes.
PETER
Check this out. The number of the
beast.
They laugh and hi-five.
ON THE TV - DAY
INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM
Dan Rather speaks to the camera. Over his shoulder we see a
graphic of the Arch-Decon's face. NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made
up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.)
DAN RATHER
Reverberations from Arch-Decon
Donnelly's shocking speech are still
being felt throughout the city. Today,
some disgruntled cast members of the
play CATS broke the fourth wall in a
most hostile manner.
VIDEO FOOTAGE
A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around
shocked audience members.
BACK ON DAN RATHER
DAN RATHER
...But even that does not come close to
what happened today on Live with Regis
and Kathy Lee.
VIDEO FOOTAGE
The set of Regis and Kathy Lee.
REGIS
So I was driving to work today, and some
bozo in a Cadillac cut me off...
KATHY LEE
Oh, that's terrible, Reege...
REGIS
So I followed him...
KATHY LEE
You followed him?
REGIS
I followed him all the way downtown, and
when he gets out of the car, I reach
under my seat and pull out an aluminum
bat.
KATHY LEE
You keep a bat under your seat?
REGIS
Recently, yes! So I run up behind this
guy, and start bashing his brains in
with this bat, and it made me feel
happy! Did you ever see THE
UNTOUCHABLES?
KATHY LEE
Yes, great movie...
REGIS
I was DeNiro!
The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying. The TV turns off.
We PULL BACK to see that we are in.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY
Beefy turns to Nicky.
BEEFY
Your brothers are upsetting the balance
of good and evil.
NICKY
What can I do about it?
BEEFY
You can't do jack shit... unless you
learn your evil powers.
NICKY
Nobody's as evil as my brothers. Those
dudes put the wick in wicked.
BEEFY
Go get a soda out of the fridge.
NICKY
But those are my roommate's sodas...
BEEFY
(high-pitched mocking)
"But those are my roommate's sodas..."
Does that sound like a statement the son
of the devil would make?
Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it
on the coffee table. He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare
at the Coke.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
You have the power to change the cola in
that can into any other liquid - engine
oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just
have to release the evil within you.
NICKY
Release the evil?
BEEFY
I'm just saying, there's wickedness in
you... I can tell from your snores.
Nicky stares at the can.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Release your evil...
Nicky frowns and bites his lip. The can rattles a little.
TODD
What are you doing?
Todd is standing in the doorway. Beefy runs to the fire
escape.
*******************
TODD (CONT'D)
I know it's your living room night. But
can I finish watching the Globetrotters'
game out here? To me it's classic
Comedia Dellarte.
CUT TO:
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
The TV clicks on. We see TODD sit down and look at the TV.
Nicky's behind him.
ON TV
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY
BILL WALTON
What an odd game, folks. The powerhouse
85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, who normal
run circles around the 0-85 Nationals,
seem to be struggling to find their
groove in front of their hometown fans.
A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who
makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE
GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING. The REF blows the whistle and
makes the travelling signal.
REF
He's walking, get him a bus!
BILL WALTON
Oh, another awful call. There is no way
that was travelling.
Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face.
CORNROWS
What's with all these crazy calls? You
gotta watch that shit, we haven't lost a
game in 53 years.
REF
Technical foul!
Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face.
ON TODD AND NICKY
NICKY
That guy in the striped shirt snaps his
fingers like someone I know...
ON TV
The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously
slam their heads on the scorers table again and again.
ON TODD AND NICKY
NICKY (CONT'D)
It looks like the work of a brother...
TODD
A black guy?
NICKY
If it's Cassius, yes.
Nicky races for the door.
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY
As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's
shirt yells out.
GLOBETROTTER FAN
Get your head out your ass, ref! The
kids came to see the Globetrotters win.
REF
Oh, so you wanna lip off to me?
Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big mouth
in the Globetrotter's shirt. Take ten
points off for the Globetrotters.
The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36.
ON STANDS
The KIDS are crying.
ON COURT
The halftime buzzer sounds. The Globetrotters walk off the
court. The crowd BOOS.
BILL WALTON
In all my years of basketball, I was
never so happy to hear a halftime
buzzer. Folk, I'm afraid if the second
half doesn't get any better, I expect a
full scale riot.
A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court.
COURT ANNOUNCER
It's time for the Globetrotter's
halftime half-court heave throw, where
one lucky fan will have a shot at ten
thousand dollars!
A brick lands at the announcer's feet.
COURT ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
And if he makes it, everyone in
attendance today will receive a free
pizza.
INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous. He
has a pass on.
MIGUEL
I ain't goin' out there and taking the
shot. These people have gone crazy.
NICKY
I'll take the shot.
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS
As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John.
PETER
Look who's back from the dead.
JOHN
Six, six, six, pick up sticks.
They high-five. The only happy fans in their section.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV. Beefy is
watching from the fire escape.
TODD
What's Nicky doing down there?
BEEFY
Trying to capture his brother in a flask
and preserve the balance of good and
evil on Earth.
Todd looks over, suspicious.
TODD
Did you just talk?
BEEFY
No.
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS
The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky.
COURT ANNOUNCER
You better win these people some free
pizza. Looks like they're about to
start killing each other.
STANDS
A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of
stairs.
COURTSIDE
The court announcer hands Nicky the ball. He looks at it.
NICKY
Release the evil.
His eyes get red. Staring at the ball, it explodes.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Okay, too much evil..
Bill Walton's hair is on fire.
BILL WALTON
I think that ball just blew up. And
yes, my hair is aflame.
NICKY
(turning to sideline)
Could I get another ball?
The court announcer throws out another ball. Nicky stares at
it again with red eyes.
NICKY (CONT'D)
I command you not to blow up and go into
that metal circle.
Nicky throws an underhand shot. The ball arcs through the
air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere
and swats it away.
REF
Get that crap outta here!
The crowd BOOS! Nicky and the ref stare at each other.
NICKY (O.S.)
I know you're having fun, Cassius, but
you gotta come back to Hell.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Look around you, Nicky. We're in Hell.
The New Hell.
STANDS
We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising
the roof.
COURTSIDE
As the crowd BOOS, Nicky runs over and grabs the microphone.
NICKY
Listen up, New York. Your souls are in
great danger...
Nicky gets hit by a hot dog.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Alright, how about this? I get one more
shot. The ref will cover me. I miss
it, the Globetrotters forfeit the game.
I make it, he doesn't ref the second
half and we all start conducting
ourselves like decent human beings
again.
The crowd is silent.
NICKY (CONT'D)
And we get free pizza.
The crowd roars.
INT. ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
Bill Walton's hair is now burnt looking.
BILL WALTON
I think it's safe to say we're all
rooting for this bizarre and hideous
looking man.
Bill Walton reaches over to an old lady sitting near him. He
takes off her wig, leaving behind her bald head, and puts her
wig on his head in order to cover his burnt hair.
The crowd starts YELLING.
CROWD
Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!
STANDS
John and Peter are yelling the loudest.
COURTSIDE
The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball.
NICKY
You know, Dad got very sick when you
left.
REF
I heard. I'm glad he's dying. It's my
turn now.
Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Beefy is watching, transfixed.
BEEFY
Take him to the hole, Nicky.
(Todd stares)
I mean, woof! Woof!
Todd looks at Beefy, terrified.
INT. TUNNEL
We see CORNROWS and some other Globetrotters are coming back
from the locker room. They stop to watch.
INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS
Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays
extremely tight defense. Nicky fakes one way, then heads
toward the basket. The ref stays tight. Nicky's eyes are
redder than ever. He fakes left, he fakes right. He
dribbles behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then
takes his momentum up toward the basket. He jumps from the
foul line and flies through the air. He emits a crazy, blood
curdling, devil yell.
CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO:
SHOT CLOCK
It reads: 666.
Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE.
Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO.
BACK ON NICKY
Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the
Exorcist). He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous
dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces. He hits
the ref on the way down. The crowd CHEERS, finally happy
again.
NICKY
Never doubt my skills.
INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
CORNROWS
Damn, I gotta learn how to do that.
MID-COURT
Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor,
covered in glass. He gets up slowly
REF
That's nuts. When'd you learn that
shit?
NICKY
Sorry, Cassius. Maybe it was the super
devil juice Dad gave me. HE thought I
might need it for just such an occasion.
REGIS
Super devil juice? Give it over. Let's
go best two out of three.
NICKY
(pulls out the flask)
No. No way. Dad said it was only for
me.
The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks.
Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the
ref's mouth and into the bottle. WHOOSH! The ref slumps to
the floor.
STANDS
Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow.
COURTSIDE
Nicky peers into the flask.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no super
devil juice in here!
Nicky caps the flask. Nicky waves to the stunned, but
appreciative crowd.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A homemade cake is laid out. It reads: CONGRATULATIONS,
NICKY. JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there.
TODD
So your father's the devil, you're a
talking dog sent from Hell, and you guys
are who?
PEEPER
Just a couple of big fans of Nicky and
the work his Dad does.
JOHN
By the way, Nicky. Check this out.
He spins his Black Sabbath backwards.
JOHN (CONT'D)
What's Ozzy trying to say there?
NICKY
Absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always
came straight with his messages. But
wrap your minds around this one.
Nicky gets up and we see his is sitting on a hibachi. He pus
on a James Taylor album and plays it backwards.
VOICE
I command you in the name of the Lucifer
to spread the blood of the innocent.
John and Peter look at each other, shocked.
JOHN
No wonder your uncle's so weird...
TODD
I gotta say this cake tastes a little
funny.
PETER
Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the
mix. Tried to spice up the bash.
Nicky takes a big bite of cake.
NICKY
What's reefer?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - LATER
PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere. Everyone's laughing
hard.
JOHN
Come on. One more time.
NICKY
Not again, fellas. It kind of hurts.
PETER
Please. You got to.
NICKY
(resigned)
All right...
Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360
degrees. Everyone cracks up, high fives. Even Todd LAUGHS.
PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes.
BEEFY
I used to get baked like this with my
first girlfriend, Heather. We'd get so
stoned she would forget I was a dog.
JOHN
She was human?
BEEFY
Actually, she was a sewer rat. Man,
that pissed my parents off.
JOHN
I dated a Japanese girl once. My
parents disapproved. Not cause she's
Japanese, but cause she was only
fifteen.
NICKY
I'm only fifteen...thousand years old.
Everyone cracks up.
TODD
I was in love one time but she said I
wasn't financially reliable enough. And
she needed that.
JOHN
By she, do you mean he?
TODD
No.
BEEFY
Busted.
(laughs)
PETER
How you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul
Jabar?
NICKY
A little strange. I can't stop thinking
about this girl, Valerie.
TODD
Why? Did she hurt you? Do you miss
her? Need a shoulder to cry on?
JOHN
Easy, Liberace.
TODD
Oh, would you grow up.
NICKY
We had the greatest afternoon of my life
until Adrian made me tell her she had a
heart-shaped ass.
BEEFY
Maybe you love her. But what do I know?
I'm baked out of my mind.
PETER
Me, too. We're gonna get going.
TODD
You guys want to stay? I have a futon
in my bedroom.
JOHN
That's a big pass, Elton John.
PETER
We're going to see Ozzy play at the
Meadowlands, right now. Wanna come,
Nicky?
NICKY
No thanks. I'm afraid I wouldn't be
able to give Ozzy the focus he deserves.
JOHN
Whoa, that chick must be the real deal,
then. Later on.
NICKY
See ya, fellas.
They leave.
BEEFY (O.S.)
You better snap out of it soon, kid.
Cause we're going after Adrian tomorrow.
Seven AM. Nighty, night.
He falls asleep and starts snoring. We hear the SOUND of
THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he
exhales.
TODD
That is the most frightening thing I
have ever seen.
Nicky stands and moves to the window. He looks out longingly
over the sleeping city... achingly. RACK FOCUS behind him,
we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection.
NICKY
Todd. Which way to the Parson's School
of Design?
EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT
Nicky walks around the corner.
SIGN READS: "Parson's School - Student Housing"
Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms. He looks up.
Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent.
NICKY
(he sniffs)
Coconuts...
Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb. His nose
leads him. He reaches the window, sniffing heavily.
INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS
A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling
his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence of
the Lambs." The student is startled.
STUDENT
Hello.
NICKY
You smell like coconuts.
STUDENT
It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Makes me
feel like a hula girl. Which is kinda
what I'm going for. Wanna come in?
NICKY
No thanks. I'm looking for a girl named
Valerie who also smells like coconuts.
STUDENT
Valerie Doran? Two floors up, one
window over.
NICKY
Thanks, much. Good luck with the
genital tucking.
STUDENT
I don't need luck. I'm good.
Nicky floats away. A few seconds later, he floats back,
holding up the flask.
NICKY
Adrian?
STUDENT
Andrew.
Nicky nods and floats off.
EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER
Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in.
INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Cool music. She is up late. Working by candlelight on a
fantastic design. Something's not working. She drapes a
beautiful fabric over another. She smiles at the
combination. She is happy being creative. Nicky feels his
heart swell as he watches her.
ON NICKY
He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her. His
head bumps the window. She turns, startled. She sees the
beaming Nicky.
NICKY
Hey.
VALERIE
Nicky? Oh my G-d. Stay right there.
Pause. Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace
right in Nicky's face.
NICKY
Oh that stings! My eyes are on fire!
Nicky stands up and stumbles around.
VALERIE
What were you thinking coming here?
NICKY
I'm not sure, but it didn't involve
getting blinded with poison.
He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes
flying over the back rail.
EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT
We see Nicky hurtling toward the street. Holding his eyes.
VALERIE
Oh my G-d, I'm so sorry!
Suddenly he stops. Suspended above ground. Valerie doesn't
hear the expected thud.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
Nicky?
He floats up, but he can't see.
NICKY
Valerie?
VALERIE
Are you dead?
NICKY
No.
VALERIE
What are you doing?
NICKY
I think I'm floating.
VALERIE
Why would you be floating?
NICKY
I don't know. Maybe it's because of
your sweet voice.
VALERIE
Am I supposed to not be freaked out
right now? Because I am.
He's floating up. He slows down.
NICKY
I can't see you but I can smell you.
And you make me feel alive in a way I've
never felt before.
CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window.
The student's dripping candle wax on his belly.
STUDENT
You got the wrong window again, man.
NICKY
Oh. Sorry, Andrew. Valerie?
Nicky resumes floating up.
VALERIE
I'm over here, Nicky! To the left.
Nicky is parallel with her. He hovers in front of her, eyes
still watering. She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies
back ten feet.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
Look, just because you're floating
doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you
giving me the finger.
NICKY
That wasn't me. I was being possessed
by my brother, Adrian. He's the one who
call you a gross pig.
VALERIE
What do you mean, "possessed?"
NICKY
Remember when I told you my Dad was in
Hell?
VALERIE
Yes...
NICKY
Well, that's because he's the Devil.
And he wants to keep his throne for
another ten-thousand years. Which is
fine with me, but not with my brothers,
so they broke out of Hell, causing my
dad...
VALERIE
... "The Devil?"...
NICKY
...to decompose. And I love my Dad
very much. So I came to Earth to save
him but then crazy eyes stole my flask
and I met you and...well, my dog tells
me I just might be in love with you.
His vision is clearing and he can start to see her. She is
totally in shock but still here.
VALERIE
Okay, now I get that "deep south" joke.
Nicky laughs. Valerie joins in.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
I don't know if I should believe you.
Nicky starts to drop.
NICKY
You gotta believe me. You gotta believe
in the butterflies.
VALERIE
Okay, I do. Get back up here.
He floats up to her holding out his hand. Nervously, she
takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are
flying.
EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT
They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
VALERIE
This is amazing.
They soar past some more buildings.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The preacher sense something. He looks to the sky, then
holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can.
PREACHER
The hellbeast is above us. He's
invading our skies! We're all gonna
die! We're all gonna die!
EXT. SKY - NIGHT
VALERIE
He's kind of ruining the mood.
NICKY
Let me take care of that.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky.
PREACHER
We're all gonna die!
A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off. A powerful blast of
water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across
the street into a plate glass window.
EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS
VALERIE
Can we go fly over Central Park?
NICKY
Next time. Tonight, I want to share the
most beautiful thing I could possibly
imagine.
EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT
They fly over it, away from NYC.
VALERIE
We're going to Jersey?
NICKY
East Rutherford.
EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT
They float high above the Meadowlands. There is an outdoor
concert going on. OZZFEST.
We hear the Ozz on stage in his encore. He is singing "Mr.
Crowley." Nicky turns to Valerie.
NICKY
I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy live
until he was dead.
(he looks at her)
Please tell me you like metal.
VALERIE
(sings along to song)
"Mister Crowley, what's inside of your
head..."
Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her.
NICKY
My dog was right. I'm in love with you.
They slow dance tighter. The music swells. John and Peter
look up from their seats far below. Nicky sees them while
he's holding her tight. They give thumbs up.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING
Feeling great. Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down
the street.
He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet. The
KOREANS point and seem agitated by him. Nicky gives them a
friendly wave.
NICKY
(in Korean)
Moo ya san jie bay!
The Koreans just glare. Nicky's confused.
MUSIC CUE:
A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the
sequence.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following. Nicky
looks back a little, unnerved. A TAXI screeches in front of
him. The DRIVER gets out and goes after him.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their
teacher and start chasing Nicky.
EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY
A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by. He thinks about
going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a
candy bar instead.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky. They point
and start wheeling after him.
EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY
Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob.
NICKY
What's going on here?
But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to
catch up. They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a
last second right turn into an alley. The wheelchairs can't
slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the
bottom of the street. The TOURIST on the top level look over
the edge to see the crash.
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
Nicky is panicking, out of breath. A BUM (RADIOMAN) rises up
out of his cardboard box. The bum raises his bottle and
thunks Nicky on the head. It doesn't break.
NICKY
Ow...what was that for?
BUM
Fifty million dollars.
The bum holds up a NEW YORK POST. It reads "MONSTER WANTED!"
And has a picture of Nicky. Nicky is shocked.
Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there
blocking the entrance. He's trapped. They start running
right at him. He closes his eyes.
NICKY
Release the evil.
Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying
insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD.
The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows
immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked
out.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY
Beefy and Todd are watching TV. They look over to see the
insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one
exhausted Nicky.
NICKY
I seem to be in trouble, Beefy.
BEEFY
The shit has hit the fan, kid. Take a
look.
TODD
Been breaking all morning.
ON THE TV - DAY
We see Dan Rather addressing the camera.
DAN RATHER
At a news conference earlier today,
Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave this
beleaguered city its latest dose of bad
news. He revealed that the man who
caused a sensation at basketball arena
last night is no hero... he is, in fact,
a mass murderer.
We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics. He's
holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Nicky's outraged.
NICKY
I didn't murder anybody
BEEFY
Look. You were really high. Things
happen.
NICKY
I was with Valerie, I swear. This is
Adrian's work. I've got to find him.
BEEFY
I think you're looking at him.
ON THE TV - DAY
We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese
press to keep him warm.
CHIEF OF POLICE
(on TV)
This video shows what he did after he
left the basketball arena yesterday...
ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY
Scarface shooting his AK-47. Nicky's face has been crudely
superimposed over his.
GUY
(Adrian's voice)
My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all
you suckers for no reason!
CUT TO FOOTAGE on "SCARFACE"
ON TV - DAY
The Chief shakes his head.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Difficult to watch, I know. In response
to this vicious crime, I am authorizing
the largest reward in law enforcement
history: fifty million dollars to the
person or persons who bring this man to
me.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Nicky stands outraged.
NICKY
This is baloney!
BEEFY
He superimposed your head onto
"Scarface."
TODD
...which is by far DePalma's best
work...
A LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR
The pounding increases.
NICKY
I'm not Nicky. I'm not home! I don't
live here!
PETER
Dude, it's us. Let us in.
Nicky opens the door. Peter and John stumble in.
JOHN
There's like a total mob scene coming
this way.
We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside.
NICKY
I thought for sure I gave 'em the slip.
Todd i s looking out the window.
TODD
Looks like they're following a giant
trail of bug shit.
PETER
What'll we do now, Beefy?
BEEFY
I don't know, this is a little out of my
league.
VOICES GROW LOUDER.
VOICES (O.S.)
Come on. Let's get 'em.
JOHN
What would your dad do, Nicky?
NICKY
Good idea...kill me.
PETER
Dude. Seriously?
NICKY
Yes. I'll meet you at Grand Central at
noon. Okay. Do me. I command you.
JOHN AND PETER
(psyched)
Alright!
John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen
counter. Nicky is dazed.
NICKY
That just hurt a lot.
TODD
I've always wanted to kill someone. Can
I do it?
JOHN
Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd. John
and Peter watch happily.
TODD
Die, Grandma, die!
Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up. Pause. The hand
drops back in. He's dead.
INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER
Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer. He's holding cards, looking
at his hand.
LUCIFER
Royal flush, you lose. Off with the
bra.
The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip
poker. The Gatekeeper takes off his bra. From behind, we
see his breasts flop out.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
Last time I saw a pair of jugs that big,
two hillbillies were blowing on them.
The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out. The
Monster laughs uproariously. Nicky enters and moves to
what's left of his dad. Arms, torso, and a head (with one
ear).
NICKY
Dad, Adrian's got the whole city after
me. He's always a step ahead. What am
I gonna do?
DAD
What are you gonna do? Look at me,
Nicky! I got no legs, I got no hips, I
got one ear...
Dad's remaining ear falls out.
DAD (CONT'D)
I got no ears! I can't hear!
JIMMY THE DEMON
Now he's got no ears! You happy, Nicky?
Your father's got no ears!
NICKY
Uh, I'll do my best, Dad. Do you have
any advice at all for me?
DAD
I can't hear you, Nicky. I can't hear
anything!
Jimmy picks up the ear. Jimmy speaks into it.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Check one-two. Check one-two.
DAD
Put it back on my head. I'm falling
apart here.
JIMMY THE DEMON
He's got 'til midnight tonight, Nicky.
(putting ear back on Dad)
You get your ass back up there. You
save your father!
Nicky looks very upset.
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
We see John and Peter enter frame. Looking very nervous.
PETER
You sure you're down with this?
JOHN
Little nervous. Wanna puke.
They approach the cops guarding the door.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Looking for the chief.
PETER
We know where to find Nicky.
COPS grab John & Peter and drag them inside.
INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY
Surrounded by prostitutes and criminals in a very hot room,
the chief of police puts down his bottle of PEPPERMINT
SCHNAPPS, stands up and looks at the two idiots.
CHIEF OF POLICE
You have what I want?
JOHN
Sure do. You got what we want?
PETER
Fifty million bones, bro.
He nods to a DEPUTY who gives them a briefcase of money.
CHIEF OF POLICE
That's half of it. You get the rest
when I get Nicky.
PETER
Excellent. But I gotta warn you, man.
He's not human.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Really?
JOHN
We think he's the son of Satan.
PAUSE. The chief LAUGHS, then everyone else does. He walks
over and picks them up by their throats.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well, then I guess I'll have to be extra
careful. Now where is he?
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY
We see the BIG CLOCK on the wall. FIVE minutes til NOON. We
see JOHN and PETER (with the briefcase) walking into GRAND
CENTRAL with the chief and twenty-five NYC cops. The chief
bumps into a filthy bag lady drinking out of paper sack.
BAG LADY
Hey, watch it! Who do you think you
are?
CHIEF OF POLICE
(never stopping)
Emperor of 
