SPROCKETS by Mike Myers Jack Handy Michael McCullers FIRST DRAFT February 26, 1999 OPEN ON: SILVER CLOUDS An angel's POV shot in beautiful BLACK-AND-WHITE. We descend through the clouds and get a peek of the city below. DIETER (V.O.) Berlin is a city of dreams. OVERHEAD SHOT - BERLIN - DAY Modern day Berlin passes a thousand feet below us. DIETER (V.O.) Sometimes I dream I am flying. EXT. SKY OVER BERLIN - DAY DIETER is flying, arms by his side. DIETER (V.O.) Sometimes I dream I am naked. EXT. COURTYARD - BERLIN - DAY A massive courtyard dominated by a fountain. Dieter walks through naked. The other people are frozen in place. DIETER (V.O.) And sometimes I dream I am flying naked. EXT. SKY OVER BERLIN - DAY Dieter is now FLYING NAKED over the city. DIETER (to camera) My name is Dieter. This is my story. CLOSE-UP - A ROOSTER ROOSTER Cocoricooo! Cocoricooo! EXTREME CLOSE-UP - AN EYE It opens. So close-up it looks like a planet. PULL BACK -- INT. DIETER'S MANSION - BEDROOM - DAY Dieter wakes up. His bedroom is stark white, unadorned except for a giant wall of VIDEO MONITORS. Right now the monitors are displaying the giant eye, then the rooster, then a series of weird images: car wrecks, dancing bears, etc. MORNING MONTAGE: A) Dieter takes a shower. Pan across one handle which says "HOT" to the other handle which says "SCALDING". B) Dieter shaves between his eyebrows. C) Dieter slaps himself and pinches his cheeks. D) He opens the medicine cabinet and dozens of bottles marked "LOTION" spill out. E) Dieter relentlessly combs down a small cowlick until his hair is perfectly gelled. F) Dieter gets dressed, every item black. INT. DIETER'S BEDROOM - MONTAGE ENDS Dieter, washed and dressed, faces the world. The sun streams through the windows and the birds chirp. Dieter takes in the morning, and immediately CLOSES HIS BLACK CURTAINS. INT. MANSION - KITCHEN - DAY An all-black kitchen. Dieter pours himself a cup of the thickest coffee you can imagine, like motor oil. He takes a bowl from the cabinet and grabs a carton of what we think is cereal. He dumps it into his bowl and CIGARETTES come out. Dieter lights one and turns on the TV. ON THE TELEVISION A German morning news show. The GERMAN WEATHERMAN stands in front of a weathermap giving the forecast. GERMAN WEATHERMAN Today's forecast is bleak. Tomorrow there will be a general malaise, with scattered ennui moving in from the north and a 30% chance of suicide. GERMAN ANCHORMAN Thank you, Lars. In more bad news, the time is now 8 o'clock. Dieter hits a remote control. The image on the TV changes to a surveillance-type camera of a bedroom. DIETER Klaus, we have to be at work in one hour. INT. MANSION - VARIOUS ROOMS Dieter's VOICE ECHOES on the intercom. DIETER (on intercom) Klaus, wake up. You are as lazy as a parsnip. Klaus? INT. MANSION - HALLWAY An extremely long hallway, devoid of any decoration. Dieter enters at one end riding a "Little Rascal" motorizes scooter. DIETER (to camera) I'm a little rascal on my Little Rascal. INT. MANSION - OUTSIDE KLAUS'S ROOM Dieter comes to a stop in front of a door with the name "Klaus" written on it. He starts to open it... DIETER (V.O.) I have always wanted a monkey, ever since I was a child. EXT. BERLIN STREET CORNER (FLASHBACK) Two CHUBBY GERMAN KIDS run down the street. They stop when they reach YOUNG DIETER, already dressed in his signature black uniform. He is standing at a PET SHOP WINDOW looking at a MONKEY and eating a bar that says "MARZIPAN". GERMAN CHILD 1 Come! We'll shit in a pot and make a weak child drink it! The kids run off happily. Young Dieter looks longingly at the monkey. DIETER (V.O.) At school the children called me "Monkey Boy" because of my simian fixation. EXT. PLAYGROUND (FLASHBACK) Pan across kids playing HOPSCOTCH, JUMPING ROPE, etc. DIETER (V.O.) They also called me "Dieter-Dieter- Poo-Poo-Eater," mostly because it rhymed. We reach young Dieter, reading NIETZSCHE. Suddenly, he is tackled by some OLDER BOYS. DIETER (V.O.) Sometimes the older boys would push me over and urinate on me, chanting "house on fire, put it out, put it out". EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PLAYGROUND (FLASHBACK) We see a group of BOYS from behind pissing on Dieter. DIETER (V.O.) Despite this tempting distraction, I excelled in school. INT. GERMAN CLASSROOM (FLASHBACK) A nervous greasy-haired TEACHER stands in front of the KIDS. Young Dieter sits in the front. TEACHER (reluctant) Yes, Dieter? YOUNG DIETER When Marx posited the notion of a technological theocracy did he not presuppose the existence of a human soul, and in so doing slip into the solipsistic ontology that Nietzsche so despised? The TEACHER pulls a gun from the desk and puts it to his head. We cut away as we hear a LOUD CRACK. EXT. BAVARIAN HOUSE - NIGHT It is storming, with lightning. DIETER (V.O.) For many years I lived with a married couple. As it turns out, they were my parents. INT. DIETER'S CHILDHOOD HOME (FLASHBACK) The house is stark and ALL WHITE -- furniture, walls, rugs. Young Dieter, his MOTHER, and his FATHER are in ALL BLACK. ADULT DIETER walks through the wall and observes the scene (a la Woody Allen in Annie Hall). The family cannot see him. YOUNG DIETER Mother, may I please have a monkey? I would take care of him and love him. DIETER'S MOTHER Love is dead, Dieter, art is all! Young Dieter slumps back, disappointed. DIETER (V.O.) My mother was a whore. We see Dieter's mother as a WHORE. DIETER (V.O.) My mother was a saint. We see Dieter's mother as a SAINT. DIETER (V.O.) Whore! We see Dieter's mother as a WHORE. DIETER (V.O.) Saint! We see Dieter's mother as a SAINT. DIETER (V.O.) My father was a musician. He was weak. Pull back to reveal that Dieter's father is crouching over a set of BONGOS. DIETER (V.O.) He played the bongos on the Mission Impossible theme, but, like many geniuses, he drove himself mad. Dieter's father turns back to his bongos, and plays a tentative THUMP-A-THUMP. DIETER'S FATHER (in agony) I can't do it again! I've lost it! YOUNG DIETER But, poppa, what of my monkey? DIETER'S FATHER Nein! Leave me alone, Dieter, I will get you a monkey next year. Young Dieter runs out of the room, crushed. Adult Dieter steps into the conversation. DIETER Lies! Lies! DIETER'S FATHER But Dieter, just because I didn't buy you a monkey doesn't mean I didn't love you. DIETER Liar, liar, your trousers are aflame! INT. TENEMENT APARTMENT - BERLIN (FLASHBACK) Young Dieter and his mother eat in a bare, dimly-lit flat. DIETER (V.O.) After my father died, my mother and I moved to a one-room apartment. Pull back to reveal that Young Dieter and his mother are eating their dinner on a GIANT BLACK COFFIN. DIETER (V.O.) We could not afford to bury Father so we used his coffin as a table. Mother was always very clever around the house. ADULT DIETER materializes through a wall and watches quietly. DIETER'S MOTHER Dieter, since your father is dead, I have decided to give you a present. Dieter's mother motions to a box wrapped in black paper. YOUNG DIETER Oh ma-ma, is it a monkey? Is it? Young Dieter rips open the package and reveals an -- ANVIL. DIETER (V.O.) It was an anvil. INT. TENEMENT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Young Dieter sits in the darkness by the anvil, pretending to feed it a BANANA. ADULT DIETER stands over him. He looks at the camera and a TEAR rolls down his cheek. DIETER (V.O.) Below us on Viennastrausse was a one-legged pornographer. EXT. PORNO THEATER - DAY (FLASHBACK) Below the apartment is an old porno theater. The marquee reads "401 BLOWS". Young Dieter enters the frame pulling a wagon, on which sits the anvil. The ONE-LEGGED PORNOGRAPHER exits the theater, carrying a MONKEY. The pornographer eyes the anvil lasciviously. DIETER (V.O.) He was smitten with my anvil and suggested a trade. I hate to imagine what nefarious deeds the smut-monger had planned for that anvil. EXT. THEATER WALL - PORNO POSTERS (FLASHBACK) Pan across a series of porno posters with dirty pictures: "BERLIN'S HOTTEST PEEP SHOW," "LIVE NUDES," and -- "PRIVATE ANVIL BOOTH: 25 PFENNIGS, JUST YOU AND AN ANVIL". DIETER (V.O.) Klaus's years in the Tenderloin district had left him scarred, but he was mine and I loved him. When I left home a few years later, Klaus was the only thing I took with me. INT. TENEMENT (FLASHBACK) Dieter, with Klaus on his shoulder, is about to leave. His mother ignores him. DIETER I never told my mother I loved her. (beat) And with luck I never will. INT. KLAUS'S BEDROOM (PRESENT DAY) Dieter approaches Klaus's race car bed. The room is strewn with liquor bottles and pornography. DIETER (V.O.) They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... But they have never lost a monkey. Dieter pulls back the covers. Klaus is asleep, very cute. Klaus has his own little monkey doll. EXT. DIETER'S MANSION - DAY Dieter pulls out of the driveway in a tiny MESSERSCHMITT three-wheel car. Klaus is beside him. DIETER (V.O.) How could I have known that this would be the worst day of my life? Dieter's tiny car is almost hit by a giant truck that says "MARZIPAN DELIVERY". EXT. AUTOBAHN - DAY MUSIC: "Autobahn" by KRAFTWERKS. Dieter's car races down the German highway. DIETER (V.O.) I should have recognized the omens: cars without drivers... From DIETER'S POV we see that all the cars around him are going down the highway with NO DRIVERS. DIETER (V.O.) And drivers without cars... Now all the DRIVERS around Dieter are going down the highway with NO CARS. They pass a giant TOYS-R-US type German store called "U VILL BUY TOYS NOW!" DIETER (V.O.) As usual Klaus begged me to stop at the toy store. As usual I refused. INT. DIETER'S CAR Klaus starts jumping up and down and SCREECHING. DIETER Klaus, you are driving me crazy! (beat) There, now I am crazy. DIETER (V.O.) Perhaps I should have indulged Klaus, but I was lost in my own thoughts. INT./ EXT. DIETER'S CAR - STREETS OF BERLIN Dieter looks around him at the different DRIVERS. As he looks at them, we HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS and see them SUBTITLED (as in Wings of Desire): TWO YOUNG MEN AND WOMAN IN A HATCHBACK YOUNG MAN (V.O.) I missed my turn. I'm so distracted. I love her, but she is my brother's wife. YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.) He missed his turn. He's so distracted. He loves me, but I am his brother's wife. SECOND YOUNG MAN (V.O.) I am his brother. ARAB FAMILY IN AN OLDER MERCEDES Loud traditional Middle-Eastern music BLARES. ARAB FATHER (V.O.) Damn this music. I'm from the Middle East and even I can't stand it. A PRIEST IN A TINY CAR PRIEST (V.O.) I'm not wearing any pants. CABDRIVER IN BEAT-UP CAB CABDRIVER (V.O.) I wonder if I'm getting paid for a speaking part. This should definitely count as a speaking part. I'm going to call my agent. RICH LADY IN A BMW Older woman in Chanel clothes, pillbox hat, etc. RICH LADY (V.O.) I wonder if Gregor hates me because I'm so rich? Pan over to her CHAUFFEUR. He looks at the camera, long- suffering. CHAUFFEUR (V.O.) I hate her because she is so ugly. EXT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF - DAY A German television station: a grey Bauhaus bunker with antennae and dishes sticking out. DIETER (V.O.) This is Oste Deutsche Rundfunk Zwolf, the television station where I tape Sprockets thrice-monthly. Actually we tape it every week, but I have always wanted to say 'thrice- monthly.' Dieter's car pulls up and stops. INT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF A bustling TV station with CAMERAMEN, TECHNICIANS, PRODUCERS, etc. The Sprockets set is visible along with a control booth, dressing rooms, craft service, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Over the years, the people who work on Sprockets had become like family to me -- in other words I loathed them. Keeping DIETER'S POV, the camera pushes through the room in one long tracking shot, pausing on people and things as Dieter describes them. DIETER (V.O.) There was Karlheinz Runineigge, the station manager. I whored for the bitch. KARLHEINZ RUMINEIGGE approaches Dieter. He is a stout, red- faced man with a comb-over. KARLHEINZ (to camera) Dieter, how are you? You bring the monkey? Ha-ha-ha! We have a production meeting in five minutes. Five minutes, Okay? DIETER (V.O.) Marta, my trophy girlfriend... Karlheinz brushes past the camera pushes deeper into the studio, settling on a Marlena Dietrich-esque blonde (MARTA). MARTA Don't forget about the party after the show, Dieter. It is an excellent chance for us to be seen together. DIETER (V.O.) My assistant and spiritual advisor, Weird Nun... The camera pushes deeper. We see a NUN with pointy strap-on breasts. WEIRD NUN Dieter, your lunch tomorrow has been canceled and -- (crazy voice and red eyes) YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR PLEASURING YOURSELF! INT. BACKSTAGE Dieter, still in the long tracking shot, is now in a 'backstage' area, with the technical people. DIETER (V.O.) Behind the scenes, there was Senor Squeazetoy... The camera pushes on and we see a CAMERAMAN wearing a sombrero and holding a squeazetoy. SENOR SQUEAZETOY Say cheese! Say cheese! DIETER (V.O.) Kristof the Albino... An ALBINO holding cue cards. DIETER (V.O.) And a caribou. Two stage hands lead a CARIBOU through the studio. DIETER (extreme close-up) CARIBOU?! INT. KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE Dieter enters. Karlheinz sits down in front of a giant pile of mail and packages. He tosses envelopes into boxes marked "POSITIVE" and "NEGATIVE". The positive box is empty. The negative box is overflowing. KARLHEINZ I was just sorting your fan mail, Dieter. DIETER How is it? KARLHEINZ Oh, the usual. Karlheinz tosses one package into a huge METAL CAN. He and Dieter both crouch with their hands between their knees. There is a huge MUFFLED EXPLOSION in the can. KARLHEINZ (sorting) Let's see... negative, negative, threatening, negative... DIETER Let me read that one. Dieter takes the letter and reads it aloud as Karlheinz continues to sort. DIETER (reading) 'Dear Dieter, by the time you read this I will be dead and it is you who drove me to suicide, signed, Otto P.' (pause) See, they're not all bad. Dieter tosses the letter into the positive box. KARLHEINZ Fire in the hole! He tosses another package into the can. They put their heads down and it EXPLODES. KARLHEINZ I love this job. (sorting) Oh look, here's a postcard from your cousins in America. ANGLE ON the postcard. It's one of those where you put your family's picture on the front. The family is cheerfully American and normal. Dieter snatches it away, embarrassed. KARLHEINZ Don't worry, Dieter, everyone has weird relatives somewhere. Karlheinz tosses ten letters onto a HUGE PILE of mail marked for Klaus. DIETER Don't you have to sort Klaus's mail? KARLHEINZ Oh no, it's all positive. The people, they love Klaus! DIETER Where did the silly bitch go, by the way? KARLHEINZ Dieter, Klaus has decided that he no longer wishes to see you before the show. He feels it ruins the "energy," you know, throws off his "timing". DIETER He is a monkey. What kind of timing do you need to fling your feces? KARLHEINZ Dieter, let me show you something. Karlheinz goes over to a chart showing the ratings for Sprockets and other shows. KARLHEINZ We are now the number one rated show in Germany -- even ahead of Baywatch. And nobody beats Hasselhoff. Ha-ha-ha! DIETER (extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF?! KARLHEINZ Our research has shown that every time you give Klaus more airtime, the ratings go up. The people, they love Klaus! STAGE MANAGER - ON THE MOVE Through the studio, talking into a headset. STAGE MANAGER Cast for Sprockets to the floor, please. Two minute warning. INT. SPROCKETS SET The stage manager walks past the set, where a FAT GERMAN STAND-UP COMIC in lederhosen is warming up the audience. GERMAN STAND UP And so I say my girlfriend, 'you have been sleeping in my stink!' The AUDIENCE LAUGHS. GERMAN STAND UP You laugh 'cause it's true. It is! Listen, you're in for a great show tonight. By the way, I'm appearing at 'Just for Laughs' this Thursday. He exits as the AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. STAGE MANAGER We are rolling in... five, four, three, two, one! ANGLE ON STUDIO MONITORS: A picture of a GIANT LIMA BEAN against a blue background. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Sprockets is brought to you by One Big Bean. Why eat a bunch of little beans when you can eat One Big Bean? A picture of a really cute PUPPY with a factory in the background and the word "APEX". ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And by the Apex Puppy Grinding Company -- maybe it's evil, but think of the jobs. The Sprockets opening montage rolls. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) SPROCKETS! SPROCKETS! German Television presents Sprockets, mit your host, Dieter. Signs light up that say "CLAP NOW!". DIETER ENTERS and takes his place on the set, Klaus on his stand behind him. DIETER Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. DIETER Thank you. I like a warm hand on my opening. As always, I'm joined by me sidekick, Klaus. The AUDIENCE ROARS, twice as much as for Dieter. DIETER It is springtime and I am as happy as a little girl. My guest this week is one of the greatest directors of the German Cinema. You may know him from such brilliant films as "Wings of Desire", "Paris, Texas", and "Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo". Please welcome, Wim Wenders. Noted director WIN WENDERS, playing himself, enters. DIETER Welcome to Sprockets, Mr. Wenders. WIM WENDERS Thank you Dieter. Please call me Wim. DIETER Vim? WIM WENDERS Wim. DIETER Vim? WIM WENDERS Wim. DIETER You pull down my pants and taunt me but not in a mean spirited way. Now, your latest work is a comedy called "My Dreaded Pregnancy". It is a 79-hour-long film in which we see a man be born, live, and then die. The last 12 hours alone are dedicated to his decomposition, which was the only part I liked. WIN WENDERS Thank you. We had a lot of fun on this film. You know, Bono does a cameo. DIETER Your film lies at 24 frames per second. It is as insidious as an international hash ring. I look at this movie and see only the deformed footprint of a cripple. (to audience) Now, please welcome my second guest... A MAN ON FIRE! A MAN ON FIRE enters and runs across the stage. MAN ON FIRE Aiiihhhhhhhh! As the man on fire runs across stage an ADVERTISING BANNER appears on screen, framing the image, like when you watch soccer on TV. GRAPHIC: "Man on Fire Brought To You By Heineken!" DIETER Wim Wenders, would you like to touch my monkey? Touch him. Love him. Liebe meine abschminke. Wim touches Klaus as the crowd APPLAUDS wildly. DIETER Now is the time for the commercials. Be back in two and two. Dieter makes Chuck Woolery's famous hand signal as Klaus cavorts around stage. MONTAGE - TIME PASSAGE We see the rest of the show, and especially, the audience -- DIFFERENT PEOPLE (children, old people, housewives, businessmen) all LAUGHING and pointing at Klaus. Dieter is almost excluded. DIETER (V.O.) That night I realized Klaus brought joy into people's lives the way I could not. I appealed to their intellects, but Klaus made them smile. And I admit, I was jealous. MONTAGE ENDS. Time has passed and we are at the END OF THE SHOW. DIETER Now's the time on Sprockets when we dance! Dieter starts to dance and is joined by his MALE DANCERS. DIETER (V.O.) After the show, we were cold. We were distant. For a moment, it was just like old times. INT. BACKSTAGE Dieter and Klaus approach their dressing rooms from either end of the hall. There is a chill between them. DIETER (cold) Good show. KLAUS (cold) Eee-eee-eee. They both turn, walk into their dressing rooms, and shut the door. SLAM! SLAM! DIETER (V.O.) If only I had known that was the last time I would see Klaus. INT. KLAUS' DRESSING ROOM It is an absurdly lavish dressing room for a monkey. Klaus spots something he likes. It is a congratulatory gift basket filled with BANANAS and PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES. KLAUS (excited) Cheee-cheee-eeee-oooh! Klaus runs over to the basket and starts checking it out. MUSIC: Ominous Behind Klaus, a FIGURE emerges from the shadows. We do not see his face, but he holds a folded HANDKERCHIEF and a BOTTLE marked "MONKEY CHLOROFORM (*ALSO WORKS ON SMALL CHILDREN)". Klaus looks up as the figure reaches for him... EXT. KUNST HAUS OF BERLIN - LATER THAT NIGHT A sleek modern art gallery, tonight hosting a wrap party for "Sprockets". Velvet rope, limos, etc. Dieter gets out of the limo with his entourage and is mobbed by a group of REPORTERS. DIETER Now is the time when I answer questions. REPORTER 1 Dieter, Sprockets is the anchor of German Television's "Watch Or Be Punished Thursday". Will you be returning for another season of Sprockets? DIETER Happiness is only a facade, hiding a face of Hell. Freedom loves a cage. REPORTER 2 Dieter, is it true that you and Dick Van Patten, the father from "Eight is Enough", were once lovers? DIETER His lover and my lover were once lovers. I have a love/hate relationship with lovers. I have a friend who is a love-hater. His lover only loves love-haters. REPORTER 3 Dieter, what about the rumors that you and Klaus are fighting? DIETER I love my monkey. You are a liar! I whored for the bastard. Of course, I am a silly bitch. REPORTER 1 Dieter! DIETER Your questions have become tiresome. INT. KUNST HAUS OF BERLIN - NIGHT Dieter enters with Marta, Weird Nun, etc. PHOTOGRAPHERS surround them. PHOTOGRAPHERS Dieter, can I get a photo? DIETER Marta! Marta quickly applies some lipstick and strikes an erotic pose next to Dieter. They walk on. The MAN ON FIRE (still on fire) walks by holding a drink. MAN ON FIRE Great show, Dieter. DIETER Thank you, man on fire. Dieter and Marta walk over in front of an art installation. The ARTIST holds a blank canvas in front of him. MARTA (to Dieter) What is that? DIETER It is vomit art. He paints with his vomit. He is the Jackson Pollack of gastrointestinal distress. The artist places the canvas on the floor then dramatically sticks a feather down his throat. He VOMITS all over the canvas. The CROWD applauds wildly, approaches and admires. CROWD Ohhh! Bravo! One MAN in the crowd looks very queasy. He looks at the canvas and then HE VOMITS on it accidentally. The crowd turns against him. CROWD Boo! Fraud! The man is beaten and dragged out by security. INT. KUNST HAUS OF BERLIN - BACK AREA Dieter and his entourage have their own table. Everyone is drinking champagne and there are gifts on the table. KARLHEINZ To a successful season of Sprockets. Everyone toasts. Weird Nun stands up. WEIRD NUN I would like to propose a toast. To the best boss in the world. (weird eyes, red lighting) WHICH IS WHAT THE DEMONS WILL SCREAM WHEN THEY ARE WHIPPING YOU IN HELL! After a beat, there is polite APPLAUSE for Weird Nun. MARTA Thank you, Weird Nun. Dieter, we have a present for you. DIETER It's not another Dilbert mug is it? MARTA No, even better. We found the body of a homeless man and dressed him as a clown for you. Weird Nun hoists a dead CLOWN BODY up on the table where it lands with a THUMP. DIETER (touched) You guys are the best. Pan across the table, everyone laughing and having fun, until we get to an EMPTY PLACE SETTING, monkey size. INT. DIETER'S MANSION - BEDROOM - NIGHT Dieter and Marta lie in Dieter's bed. MARTA Dieter, aren't you worried about Klaus? DIETER He's probably on an all-night bender. He'll be back by morning. Dieter handcuffs Marta to the bed, CLICK-CLICK. DIETER Marta, do you love me? MARTA No. DIETER You always say the right thing. (beat) Now make a face like a whore! Marta makes a horrific face. Dieter is pleased. INT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF - BACKSTAGE - DAY It is moments before the show. The warm-up guy is almost done, Dieter waits to go on stage. Karlheinz approaches. KARLHEINZ Dieter, have you seen Klaus? DIETER He did not come home last night. I assumed he was here. KARLHEINZ Well, when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. Ha-ha-ha! DIETER Why do you hate me? KARLHEINZ Dieter, what are we going to do? We can't do the show without Klaus! INT. SPROCKETS SET - MOMENTS LATER ANNOUNCER (V.O.) SPROCKETS! SPROCKETS! German Television presents Sprockets, mit your host, Dieter. DIETER ENTERS and takes his place on the set. DIETER Welcome to Sprockets. I am Dieter. Sitting in for my sidekick Klaus, please welcome... Matthias, The Insane Armadillo! Reveal that in Klaus's usual spot, there is now an ARMADILLO, poking around aimlessly. The crowd BOOS. TIME DISSOLVE TO: DIETER ... An animatronic Martin Van Buren on loan from Eurodisney! Reveal a robot dummy of Martin Van Buren moving stiffly. It sparks and falls over. The crowd BOOS. TIME DISSOLVE TO: DIETER ... Klinger from MASH! Reveal JAMIE FARR. The audience is only half full. They BOO and hold signs "WE WANT KLAUS!" DIETER (V.O.) It was obvious that no one could replace Klaus, though I did think Jamie Farr showed potential. EXT. KUKENMEISTER'S BAR - BERLIN - NIGHT A seedy-looking bar in a bad part of town. DIETER (V.O.) I searched desperately for Klaus in all his usual haunts, but I had no luck. INT. BAR - DIETER'S POV BARTENDER (to camera) No, he's not here! And he better not come back. He's a mean drunk. Look what he did to Gunther. We see GUNTHER -- a big burly man badly bruised and bandaged. GUNTHER (whimpering) He made me eat a bug. INT. WHOREHOUSE - DIETER'S POV Several PROSTITUTES lounge around on sofas, smoking. PROSTITUTE (to camera) When you see him, tell him he owes me fifty marks. The little bastard gave me fleas. She scratches. INT. ANIMAL SHELTER - DIETER'S POV A CLERK stands in front of a wall of animal cages. A sign says "BERLIN ANIMAL SHELTER". CLERK (to camera) Sorry, no monkeys here. A human face appears in one of the cages. GUY IN CAGE Help me... help me... CLERK Quiet! EXT. EMPTY STREET - NIGHT Dieter walks alone, dejected. Up ahead he sees a man walking hand-in-hand with what appears to be a monkey. Dieter's eyes light up. Is it Klaus? He rushes ahead and turns the small figure around. It is a hairy, hideous dwarf, who scowls. DWARF Hey, what's the big idea? INT. KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE Karlheinz has called Dieter into his office. They stand in front of the ratings board. KARLHEINZ Not only is Baywatch 5 points ahead of us, but we've also fallen behind Germany's Most Disturbing Home Videos, Don't Put That Sausage In Your Mouth Mrs. Nederlander, The Careless Butcher, and Das Ist Jeopardy. The network has ordered us to show re-runs of Simon and Simon. DIETER Your explanation was so tedious I almost murdered you. KARLHEINZ I'm sorry Dieter, until Klaus comes back, Sprockets is off the air. INT. OSTE DEUTSCHE RUNDFUNK ZWOLF - LATER Dieter walks through the main area of the station holding his belongings in a cardboard box. Everyone is sad. Dieter walks by Karlheinz, Senor Squeazetoy, and Weird Nun, who are crying. He walks by Kristof the Albino, who for some reason is jumping up and down, laughing, and SHOOTING HIM THE BIRD. EXT. BRIDGE - DAY A giant bridge with carts and vendors on the side. Dieter and Marta walk up to a food vendor. Marta is distant. DIETER (to vender) I'll have persimmons in a sling. The vendor puts two persimmons in a blanket of dough, folds it over, and twists it. It looks like testicles. He dips it in hot grease. VENDOR You want curlies with that? DIETER Of course. The vendor sprinkles pubic hair-like chocolate curls on the persimmons and hands it to Dieter, who takes a bite. DIETER Delicious. Marta, are you hungry? Marta ignores him and walks away. Dieter catches up to her and joins her looking down into the water. A HORSE'S HEAD floats by. DIETER Did you make a wish? MARTA Dieter, as you know, I am your trophy girlfriend. I must leave you and begin having sex with someone more powerful. DIETER But we exchanged rings. Dieter lifts up his shirt to show his NIPPLE RING. DIETER Don't my breasts sit high on my rib cage? They're as perky as a little girl's. MARTA That is one thing I won't miss. Marta walks away, leaving Dieter alone. EXT. BERLIN - NIGHT It is raining. Dieter walks alone, soaking wet. DIETER (V.O.) I walked in the rain. I stopped eating. I even tried to kill myself. Dieter throws himself in front of a car and THUMP he goes flying. DIETER (V.O.) But none of my hobbies were as much fun without Klaus. EXT. DIETER'S MANSION - NIGHT It is storming, with lightning. DIETER (V.O.) Finally, I went insane, and not the good kind of insane either. INT. DIETER'S MANSION - VARIOUS ROOMS Dieter rushes around madly, tearing the house apart, looking for Klaus. We see him mouthing the words "KLAUS!" MUSIC: Disturbing Expressionistic Piano Stings INT. KLAUS'S BEDROOM Dieter sits in Klaus's little race car bed. He is upset. Suddenly, we hear a phone RINGING. It is a really, really long RING. Dieter looks up, his eyes aflame. INT. DIETER'S MANSION - HALLWAY Dieter's POV as he makes his way down the long, long hall. The phone is still RINGING. Dieter reaches the end of the hall and enters the -- LIVING ROOM This is an enormous room, devoid of any furniture except the PHONE, which looks tiny all the way across the room. The phone RINGS again. DIETER (answering phone) This is Dieter. An electronically SCRAMBLED VOICE replies. It is very scary. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) WE HAVE YOUR MONKEY. DIETER (coy) Is that you, mother? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) WE'LL KILL THE MONKEY IF YOU DON'T PAY FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. DIETER Where are you calling from? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) NEVER MIND. In the background we can clearly hear a BASEBALL GAME. BASEBALL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) It's the bottom of the fifth, the Los Angeles Dodgers at home against the Marlins -- SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) (shouting, aside) HEY, TURN THE DODGER GAME OFF! (to Dieter) WHAT WAS I SAYING? OH YEAH, NEVER MIND WHERE I'M CALLING FROM. YOU'LL RECEIVE INSTRUCTIONS SOON. DIETER How do I know you really have Klaus? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) CHECK YOUR E-MAIL. The scrambled voice hangs up -- DIAL TONE. Dieter goes over to a GIANT FLAT SCREEN MONITOR on the wall and presses a button. He receives an e-mail. ANGLE ON THE MONITOR It is a grainy MPEG image of KLAUS. His mouth is taped and he has one hand chained to a bed. The room around him is totally barren, except a window behind him, through which the HOLLYWOOD SIGN is clearly visible. DIETER That could be any monkey in the world. Klaus makes a horrible face and slings shit at the camera. DIETER Klaus! The screen goes BLACK. Dieter picks up the phone and dials. DIETER Hello? Police? INT. POLICE STATION (INTERCUT) A German POLICE OPERATOR answers the phone. POLICE OPERATOR Yes, where did you see the suspicious foreigner? DIETER No, it's not that. I need you to trace a call for me. POLICE OPERATOR Hold on. (punches some buttons) Okay, we are getting something... hold on. Oh my God! Get out! The call is coming from inside your house! It's inside your house! DIETER (calm) Yes, I know this call is coming from inside the house. I called you. I meant the call before. POLICE OPERATOR Oh. Hold on. (punches some buttons) That call came from Los Angeles. EXT. AIRPLANE - IN FLIGHT An American Airlines 747 crosses the ocean. The black and white image becomes COLOR. DIETER (V.O.) I caught the first flight to America. MUSIC: "We're Coming to America" by NEIL DIAMOND CUT TO: MONTAGE OF CLICHE AMERICAN IMAGES (IN COLOR) Wheat fields, baseball games, fireworks, American flags, freckle-faced children, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Of course, I had a layover in New York. MUSIC: "New York, New York" by FRANK SINATRA MONTAGE OF CLICHE IMAGES OF NEW YORK Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Broadway lights, cabs, Rockefeller Center, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Unfortunately, the plane had mechanical trouble and we had to make an emergency landing in Dallas. MUSIC: Theme from 'Dallas' OPENING CREDIT MONTAGE OF THE SHOT DALLAS DIETER (V.O.) But finally we landed in Los Angeles. MUSIC: "I Love LA" by RANDY NEWMAN MONTAGE OF CLICHE LOS ANGELES IMAGES Girls on the beach, Hollywood sign, Mann's Chinese, BMWs, lowriders, fake boobs. EXT. LAX - DAY The plane lands. The BLACK AND WHITE OF Germany has given way to the COLOR of America. INT. LAX - IMMIGRATION AREA Dieter waits in line with FOREIGN VISITORS. He steps up to a tough-looking CUSTOMS GUY in mirrored sunglasses. CUSTOMS GUY Passport, please. Dieter holds up his passport. The picture shows him holding up a passport. CUSTOMS GUY What's the purpose of your visit? DIETER I've come to get my monkey! SMASH CUT TO: INT. STRIP SEARCH ROOM A stark room lit by fluorescent lights, dominated by a large mirror. A pair of rubber gloves is SNAPPED ON by a CUSTOMS EXAMINER who holds a pen light in his mouth. Dieter makes a face somewhere between excruciating and exquisite pleasure. INT. TWO WAY MIRROR ROOM A cinder-block room behind the mirror. The CUSTOMS GUY and a SUPERVISOR look on. SUPERVISOR Why the strip search? CUSTOMS GUY He requested it. It's his third time, and he keeps going back to the end of the line. INT. AIRPORT - BAGGAGE CLAIM Dieter cranes his neck, looking for his luggage on the carousel. Then he sees -- his TINY BUBBLE CAR coming around on the carousel surrounded by suitcases. INT. AIRPORT - MAIN CONCOURSE Dieter drives through the airport in his tiny car, exiting through double doors to the street outside. INT./ EXT. DIETER'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY MUSIC: "I Love LA" reprise Dieter passes LA landmarks: the Hollywood sign, Mann's Chinese, and the LA COUNTY SCREENPLAY LANDFILL, where a bulldozer pushes around a mountain of scripts. DIETER (V.O.) Within moments I realized that I was allergic to Los Angeles. Dieter takes in LA. He passes healthy, beautiful people: ROLLERBLADERS, JOGGERS, MOTHERS WITH BABY CARRIAGES. At each cheerful image, DIETER REACTS: he is horrified, he is frightened. DIETER (V.O.) Prolonged exposure to Americans always gives me a rash. He passes a hot dog stand with a GIANT HOTDOG on top, a bagel shop with a GIANT BAGEL on top, then a 'Bageldog' place with a GIANT BAGEL WITH A HOTDOG IN IT. DIETER (V.O.) I wanted to find Klaus as soon as possible, so I did all the usual things. I distributed pamphlets... EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY Dieter is tacking up posters of Klaus. A MAILMAN walking by takes a look and sees the horrible picture of Klaus. The mailman leans over and VOMITS. DIETER (V.O.) I interrogated possible witnesses... EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY An OLD WOMAN is putting her groceries in her car, her back to Dieter. Dieter walks up right behind her. DIETER (shouting) WHERE IS MY MONKEY! OLD WOMAN (terrified) Ahhhhh! The OLD LADY pulls out a TASER STUN GUN and turns it on Dieter. He falls down, convulsing. DIETER (V.O.) And, of course, I hired a giant Zeppelin to float over the metropolis. EXT. SKY ABOVE LOS ANGELES - BLIMP The blimp has an electronic sign on the side like at football games. It flashes messages: KIDNAPPED: MONKEY! HAVE YOU SEEN KLAUS! REWARD! ACHTUNG!, etc. DIETER (from blimp loudspeaker) CITIZENS OF LOS ANGELES! KLAUS IS MISSING! HE IS SMALL, HE IS BROWN, AND HE IS A SILLY BITCH! IF YOU HAVE SEEN HIM, CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES! The people below are terrified and/or confused. DIETER (V.O.) I had reached a nadir, a dark place in my psyche where I could see no other recourse than to end my existential agony. Emotionally I was spent, intellectually I was stymied, and plus, traffic on the 405 was a total bitch. INT./ EXT. DIETER'S CAR - 405 FREEWAY - DAY Bumper to bumper with SUVs, Mercedes, etc. Dieter's tiny car is very conspicuous in the middle of the traffic jam. DIETER (V.O.) Then a window opened in my soul and the answer appeared before me. Dieter looks up and sees a "BAYWATCH" billboard with DAVID HASSELHOFF'S FACE shining down on him. Dieter holds his hand over his head like a lightbulb going off. DIETER Lightbulb! INT. KARLHEINZ'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK) Dieter recalls the conversation he had with Karlheinz about ratings. Karlheinz's face is very close and distorted as in a dream. KARLHEINZ ... every time you give Klaus more airtime, the ratings go up. We are even ahead of Baywatch. (echo effect) Baywatch... Baywatch... BACK TO: INT./ EXT. DIETER'S CAR - 405 FREEWAY - DAY DIETER (extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF!? EXT. BEACH - DAY MUSIC: Baywatch theme Just as in the real credit sequence, we see BEAUTIFUL BAYWATCH BABE 1 run towards the camera in a red swimsuit. Then we see BEAUTIFUL BAYWATCH BABE 2 run towards the camera, great body etc. Then we see DIETER run towards the camera in SLO-MO. He is wearing a tight red nutslinger and his skin is bright white. EXT. BEACH - DAY (SCENE FROM BAYWATCH) A CROWD is gathered around a half-drowned SURFER and his wet dog. A lifeguard has just saved his life. He turns around. It is DAVID HASSELHOFF as Mitch. DAVID HASSELHOFF Next time you want to go surfing with your dog, do it on the Internet. The dog BARKS and the CROWD LAUGHS. We see that DIETER IS AN EXTRA. He laughs a little too loud. BAYWATCH BABE 1 and BAYWATCH BABE 2 enter, excited. BAYWATCH BABES Mitch! Mitch! DAVID HASSELHOFF What is it, CJ? BAYWATCH BABE 1 Look what we found in the cove! The girls drag up a small chest. David opens it to reveal gold coins. The crowd GASPS. DAVID HASSELHOFF These are rare Spanish doubloons from the 1800s! This is pirate gold, guys. BAYWATCH BABE 2 Perfect! We can use the gold to save the Beach Youth Center. DAVID HASSELHOFF Afraid not, CJ. Even though this gold is hundreds of years old, we have to return it to the proper authorities. BAYWATCH BABE 1 But, Mitch, the Youth Center is closing in two days unless we raise ten thousand dollars. DAVID HASSELHOFF Well, I guess that means we have to win the beach volleyball tournament tomorrow. What do you say? BAYWATCH BABE 1 & 2 Awesome! They give a thumbs-up. The crowd cheers. DIETER (O.S.) (shouting) LIES! The crowd parts and Dieter emerges. DIETER LIES! DIRECTOR Cut! Could we get security? DIETER What have you done with my monkey, Hasselhoff?! EXT. BAYWATCH - DAY Behind the scenes of the Baywatch shoot. Dieter sits in a canvas chair surrounded by BAYWATCH BABES. DIETER (regarding her cleavage) Your deformities are exquisite. BAYWATCH BABE 1 Thank you! You want a backrub? The Baywatch Babes begin to massage Dieter when he sees a cute brunette walking towards him talking on a cell phone. GENA is normally dressed compared to the stunning babes around her. Dieter is smitten. He doesn't even notice Hasselhoff behind her. DAVID HASSELHOFF Dieter, nice to see you again. DIETER (startled) Oh, hello, Hasselhoff. DAVID HASSELHOFF Listen, I just want to say, no hard feelings, pal. I know that the stress of coming in second to Baywatch year after year must be just awful. And how were you to know that I was in the middle of winning a celebrity auto race in Monte Carlo when your monkey was stolen? DIETER (distracted) Oh yes, thank you. (to Gena) I am Dieter. GENA Hi, I'm Gena, David's assistant. It's nice to meet you. DIETER You are beautiful and angular. If you were a gas you'd be inert. GENA Thank you, I think. DAVID HASSELHOFF Anyway, good luck finding your monkey. I know what it's like to lose a pet, Dieter. I had a cat once. GENA You still do, David. DAVID HASSELHOFF Right. If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to call Gena. David starts to leave, followed by the Baywatch Babes. Gena lingers to say good-bye to Dieter. GENA Listen, David's having a party tomorrow night and he wanted to invite you. Actually, I wanted to invite you. DIETER I am so full of anticipation my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. GENA I hate it when that happens. Here's the address. (hands him an invite) Bye, Dieter. DIETER Good-bye, Gena. GENA (beat) Hasta la vista. DIETER Auf Wiedersehen. GENA (beat) See you later, alligator. DIETER After a while, frightening swamp creature. DAVID HASSELHOFF (O.S.) Gena! Gena smiles at Dieter, then runs to catch up with Hasselhoff. Dieter is intrigued. INT. SOUNDPROOF ROOM - LOCATION UNKNOWN This is a very bare room, with cement walls and only one window. A mattress is on the floor in front of an old TV set. A slightly overweight burnout named PETE peers into a kitty carrier. PETE Alright, little man, this is home. Mi casa es su casa. (a la DeNiro) Come out, come out, wherever you are! Counselor! Come on, tiny man. No movement from the kitty carrier. PETE What's that matter, you scared? Pete leans down to the kitty carrier and puts his face close to the door, peering in. Pete is much too trusting. From KLAUS'S POV we see Pete's round face loom at the opening. PETE Come on. Commmmmme on! Suddenly, from inside the carrier comes FLYING POOP. It hits Pete right in the face. He is stunned for a beat, then -- PETE Dude, you threw your poop at me! Harsh! The phone RINGS. PETE (into phone) What's up? SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) IT'S ME. PETE Dude, it's hard to understand you. You sound like Chewbacca. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) YOU DON'T KNOW ME. I DON'T KNOW YOU. IT'S BETTER THIS WAY. PAY ATTENTION. DO NOT LET THE MONKEY OUT OF YOUR SIGHT. DO NOT LEAVE THE BUILDING. DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? PETE Absolutely. Hello? Hello? The line is dead. PETE (to Klaus) Hey tiny man, don't you wanna come out? KLAUS'S POV: from inside the carrier. Again, Pete sticks his round face at the opening. PETE No? That's cool. Pete walks over to the counter and opens up his backpack. In it are dozens of MINIATURE LIQUOR BOTTLES and BAGS OF PEANUTS. PETE Thank you, American Airlines. He opens a little bottle of JACK DANIELS and starts to drink. KLAUS'S POV: from inside the kitty carrier, we can see Pete opening the Jack Daniels. KLAUS (screeching) Eiiiiiiiii! IN A WIDE SHOT we see a brown blur of Klaus shoot straight from the carrier ONTO PETE'S FACE, attaching like a parasite. Pete stumbles backwards trying to pry Klaus off. PETE (muffled) Fuffing monfey! Fuffing monfey! Finally, Pete flings Klaus off. Klaus goes flying and grabs onto a light fixture above the room. Klaus races insanely around the room which we see from his MONKEY PERSPECTIVE: fast and low to the ground. Pete turns his head back and forth in a daze, trying to follow Klaus around the room. Finally Klaus snatches the miniature Jack Daniels bottle and retreats to a ledge, where he chugs it. PETE Go, go, go, go! Klaus finishes and tosses the bottle aside. Pete reaches into the bag and brings out two more little bottles. Klaus crawls into Pete's arms and starts on his second bottle. PETE I'm gonna call you Godzilla, after that giant monkey that climbed up the Empire State Building. Klaus looks confused, shakes his head no. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - RESEDA - DAY Dieter's car pulls up in front of a large brand-new stucco house in a planned community. Dieter gets out, exhausted, and drags himself to the door, comparing the address to the postcard in his hand. Dieter rings the doorbell. MALE VOICE (O.S.) Could someone get the door please? (beat) Kids, I think we have a visitor. (beat) SOMEBODY OPEN THE GODDAMNED DOOR! The door is flung open by a red-faced man of about 45. He is Dieter's cousin, BOB SHEEDER (think WILL FERRELL). BOB AND JUST WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO FOR -- (recognizing) Dieter? How are you? DIETER Exhausted. America is like hell without all the charm. BOB Well, come on in, buddy. (yelling inside) Hey honey, it's Cousin Dieter! Bob slaps Dieter on the back so hard he almost falls over. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - FOYER - DAY Dieter and Bob enter the house. Bob shuts the door and immediately the ALARM goes off. BOB Just have to enter the code here... (frustrated) Dammit! DAMMIT! He takes off his shoe and BEATS the alarm panel until the alarm goes off. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Is that who I think it is? Is that who I think it is? INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - KITCHEN Bob leads Dieter into the kitchen/dining room area. Dieter is immediately smothered by CAROL SHEEDER, Bob's wife. She is a pretty, overweight woman who is currently amped up on diet pills. (NOTE: throughout the movie, Carol's weight fluctuates outrageously from scene to scene). CAROL Give me some sugar! Give me some sugar! BOB Step back so Dieter can see you. Step back a sec! Look at that, Dieter. Doesn't she look great? Carol steps back and models for Dieter. BOB Can you tell the difference? Can you? Look at her. What do you see? DIETER All her limbs are intact. BOB No, it's her figure! She's lost 30 pounds in two weeks. CAROL (breathless, all one sentence) It's this little herbal remedy I stumbled on, I call them my magic pills. They give me so much energy! Dieter, look at you, all dressed in black. You look just like a mime. Would you like to do mirror exercises? Carol starts to do crazy mime motions in Dieter's face. CAROL Would you like to Wash-My-Window, Mr. Mime? Would you like to Climb- the-Rope? Oh, no, we're Trapped-In- a-Box -- BOB Dammit, Carol, you're taking too many of those things. Bob reaches over to look at the bottle. Carol snatches it away. They get into a tug-of-war. Carol hangs on desperately. The pills go flying and she scrambles after them. BOB Dieter, you wanna meet the gang? (calling out pleasantly) Guys? Hey guys? (beat) Time to meet your cousin Dieter! (chuckling) Come on down, you guys! (suddenly enraged) GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! I AM SERIOUS! I WILL TAN YOUR BEHIND AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE MORMONS SAY! Bob and Carol's THREE KIDS file in reluctantly to be viewed. Dieter pats the youngest child on the head with absolutely zero affection. DIETER How delightful. Nothing makes a house feel warm like midgets. CAROL Dieter, these are our kids. You know, children. BOB This is Bob Junior, our oldest boy. All the kids call him BJ... The first is BOB JUNIOR, a surly 15-year-old. BOB Our beautiful daughter, Tyler, named after Mary Tyler Moore... TYLER is an awkward 12-year-old girl. BOB And batting clean-up, we got our youngest, little Gump. GUMP is a cute 6-year-old, but there something a little off. He grabs into Dieter's leg and clings. BOB His real name's Nathan, but it was during that fine film starring Tom Hanks that Carol and I had the hot animal sex that clean blew out my vasectomy, so we call him Gump. BOB JUNIOR Also 'cause he's a 'tard. Little Gump starts to CRY. Bob gets Bob Junior in a headlock. Everyone is YELLING. BOB CAROL Your brother is not retarded! Oh, Bob, don't yell. Don't Do you hear me? yell. GUMP BOB You take it back! Take it Quiet. Quiet! QUIET! back! BOB (to Dieter) So, what do you think? Are we the all-American family or what? Dieter faints. EXT. SHEEDER HOUSE - GARAGE Carol carries a tray up the stairs to a room above the garage, like in Happy Days. INT. DIETER'S ROOM - ABOVE THE GARAGE Carol enters. Bob is sitting beside Dieter, who is lying on the sofa bed, slightly delirious. Carol sets down the tray. CAROL Look what I brought you, Dieter, some nice chicken soup, some Ginger Ale, and two tablets of Dexedrine. Bob gently takes the Dexedrine away from her. She holds onto them, her face clenching in rage, and then gives in, smiling serenely again. DIETER Your kindness is almost morose. You feed me, you care for me, you put me up in a room above the garage. I am like the Fonze and you are like Mr. and Mrs. C. And Tyler is like Joanie... Bob Junior is like Ritchie... But who is Potsie? (getting excited) Who is Potsie? (shouting) WHAT ABOUT POTSIE? Bob and Carol push Dieter back into the bed. DIETER (whimpering) And what of Ralph-malph? BOB Dieter, it's such a surprise to see you. The last time you visited us was... no, it must have been... let's see... you've never visited us. DIETER Cousin Bob, I have come to America to find Klaus. BOB Oh. Klaus. CAROL Now, Bob, don't hold a grudge. You know it was an accident, and anyway, that's why God gave you two kidneys. DIETER The police will not help me, the FBI will not help me. Who will help me? Who will help Dieter. CLOSE-UP - MILK CARTON On the side of the carton where it usually has spots for missing children, is a picture of KLAUS. It says "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MONKEY" and lists his height, weight, hobbies, etc. PULL BACK -- INT. MESSY HOUSE - NEXT MORNING We see the man drinking the milk. He is a crazy-looking Slim Pickens kind of guy. His name is DARYL. He is a monkey- tracker. Daryl takes a sip of the milk and immediately screws up his face like it's spoiled. After a BEAT, Daryl takes a sip of the milk. AGAIN he reacts horribly, like it's spoiled. After a BEAT, Daryl takes a THIRD sip of the rancid milk. This time it goes down fine. He shrugs and gulps the rest. Just as he's about to throw the carton away, he see Klaus's picture on the side. DARYL What have we got here? I think this is a case for Daryl. EXT. DARYL'S HOUSE Pull back to see the outside of Daryl's bungalow. It is almost grown over by shrubbery and weeds. A dilapidated sign reads "DARYL HAYNES - MONKEY TRACKER: NO MONKEY TOO LARGE OR TOO SMALL". Below it, handwritten, it says "I AM ALSO A NOTARY PUBLIC". EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY The 'Monkey-Mobile' pulls up and parks. This is Daryl's vehicle -- an old, beat-up Bug painted like a monkey. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY There is a loud DOORBELL at the door. BOB (O.S.) Doorbell. (beat) Somebody gonna get that door? (beat) SOMEBODY GET THE GODDAMNED DOOR! Bob Junior gets up grumpily and opens the door to reveal DARYL THE MONKEY TRACKER. He wears a khaki jumpsuit with his name and company logo on it. He also wears goggles, a tool belt, and some gizmos strapped to his back. MUSIC: Sergio Leone-type sting DARYL I understand somebody here has monkey trouble. Daryl dramatically throws up the milk carton with Klaus's picture on it and 'shoots' at it with his finger. DARYL Well, Daryl's the name, and monkey tracking's my game. INT. DARYL'S MONKEY-MOBILE - DRIVING Dieter sits stiffly, trying to maintain a distance from Daryl, who moves around spastically while he drives. The inside of the car is stuffed with old hi-tech crap covered in Taco Bell wrappers. DARYL What we got here, brother, is a fully-outfitted monkey-mobile, okay? Daryl points to various gadgets, all of which are broken or too difficult for him to figure out. DARYL Right here, is your global syn- chronous-um, well that's not working. Lookit here, brother. This is a scanner, which will scan -- uh, let me read the manual and get back to you. Oh I got one. Check this out. Daryl hits a button on a little key chain-type device velcroed to the dash that says "TRAFFIC ZAPPER". An LED blinks and the device makes a "PHASER" sound effect from Star Trek. DARYL Tee-hee! Sounds just like a phaser, don't it? (makes sound with his mouth) Pkewww! Pkewww! DIETER You are as agonizing as life itself. DARYL You must really miss the little fella, huh? DIETER Klaus and I have a business partnership. All I want is to find my monkey and go back to Germany. DARYL Brother, let me set your mind at ease. Monkeys are not a hobby for me, monkeys are my life. I have been helping reunite monkeys with their families for over 12 years now and I hold a degree in primate behavior, though I won't lie to you, I'm a little stalled on my dissertation right now. Don't you worry, we're gonna find little Klaus. DIETER How many monkeys have you gotten back? DARYL Did I mention I'm also a notary public? I can notarize official documents, deeds, titles, anything of that nature. DIETER How many monkeys have you gotten back? DARYL Alive? (beat) To tell the truth, you're my first case. The notarizing has been the big money-earner so far. I might not have a lot of experience, but I know monkeys. Brother, I love monkeys. I think like a monkey, I live like a monkey, I -- DIETER Smell like a monkey. DARYL Zap! You got me. Guilty as charged. Look, I can find your monkey, you just need to ask yourself, 'self, can I handle the truth?' Cause sometimes it's better not to know. DIETER The only thing to fear is fear itself. And sharks. Also, growing old alone. That is scary. Anyway, I must find Klaus. Tell me everything. DARYL Well, there is a secret society of horrible, despicable degenerates, sort of like a monkey underground. They do things to monkeys you couldn't even imagine. DIETER What, they have sex with them? DARYL Jeez, no! That's awful. I never would have thought of that! EXT. MONKEY BISTRO A fashionable bistro with a sign that says "MONKEY BISTRO". INT. MONKEY BISTRO The place is packed with FAMILIES, PEOPLE ON DATES, etc. Like TGI Fridays. A COUPLE comes in. HEADWAITER Good evening and welcome to the Monkey Bistro. As you make your selection tonight, remember that monkey is the other, other white meat. He shows them to their table. HEADWAITER All the dishes on the menu can be served a variety of ways but, as always at the Monkey Bistro, you pick your own. They pass a family sitting at a table. They are all pointing at something we can't see. LITTLE GIRL I want the one riding a bicycle! LITTLE BOY I want the small one clinging to the large one! MOTHER God, I hate this place! (beat) It's so hard to decide! The family laughs and goes back to deciding. The Headwaiter seats the couple beside Daryl and Dieter, who hide behind menus. DARYL Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? DIETER Yes, I hate it when people bring children to a restaurant. INT. MONKEY BISTRO - KITCHEN Daryl and Dieter make their way to the kitchen. They enter and all the KITCHEN HELP look up. DARYL My name is Daryl Haynes and I'm a monkey tracker! The kitchen help just stare at him. DIETER My name is Dieter, and I am a German! They all scatter, running out of the kitchen, shouting. The headwaiter comes in. HEADWAITER We need a Curious George, well done, and a jungle gym special -- hey, what's going on? Daryl takes him and slams him against the wall. DARYL You monster! How can you do this to innocent monkeys? HEADWAITER I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'm just working here until I get my new headshots. DARYL I outta kill you! DIETER Daryl, no! We need information. DARYL You're right. Cool it down. Back it on down. (to headwaiter) Have you gotten a shipment in the last couple of days? A shipment of... (has to force it out) Monkeys? The headwaiter nods 'yes.' DARYL Where are they? The headwaiter nods towards the oven. DARYL Where? You mean -- oh God. (to Dieter) Dieter, are you ready for this? DIETER I think so. Daryl slowly opens the oven door while Dieter looks on. Daryl pulls out the oven tray like a coroner uncovering a body. Dieter finally looks down. DIETER (relieved) That is not my monkey. EXT. STREET - DAY Dieter and Daryl walk down a normal downtown street, past BUSINESSMEN, etc. DARYL Thy guy at the restaurant said they get their monkeys from this place in Chinatown. DIETER What are we waiting for? Let's go. DARYL Okay, take a left here. Daryl and Dieter go around a corner and instantly they're in -- CHINATOWN Suddenly everyone is Chinese, all the signs are in Chinese, the street is crowded with little shops, etc., all around the corner from the totally normal street. DARYL This is it -- Chinatown. DIETER It was so close. How convenient. EXT. LO IMPORT/EXPORT - DAY Daryl and Dieter enter. INT. LO IMPORT/EXPORT - DAY The place is packed with herbs, powders, animal skins, etc. Behind the counter is BILL S. LO. BILL S. LO Hey guys, hello! My name is Bill S. Lo, say it fast it's slow. Get it? Bill S. Lo? DARYL (laughing) That's pretty funny. Dieter shoots him a look. BILL S. LO Hey, I know why you here! All the time white guys come in here, they want something for they sexual organs, right! I got a special for you! (holds up a powder) Powdered deer balls. Good for sex with the women. Or mens, right? Ha-ha-ha, I don't judge here. We take the deer balls -- you know, testicles, right? -- and we grind them up. Yeah. Good for you, bad for deer! Yeah, for deer it's not so good. DIETER Actually, we're looking for a monkey. BILL S. LO Monkey? Yeah, I got this. He holds up a monkey claw on a stick. BILL S. LO Monkey very lucky, yeah. Also good for itch. He scratches his back with the monkey claw. Dieter takes the monkey claw sadly. DIETER (emotional) This reminds me of the times Klaus would scratch my back. DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE-UP - A MONKEY"S PAW Is scratching Dieter. DIETER Thank you, Klaus. PULL BACK to see that Dieter is actually being scratched by one of the little monkey paw back-scratchers, which Klaus himself is holding. BACK TO: INT. LO IMPORT/EXPORT DARYL Try and be a little sensitive. The man just lost his monkey. BILL S. LO (indicating scratcher) Oh, this? Don't worry, it's not really monkey, no. DIETER Thank God. BILL S. LO Yeah, it's cat. Monkey too hard to get past customs and everything. You would not believe the red tape and government regulations to bring in animal parts. Yeah, you got to fill out whole shitload of forms. You got to go to the airport, pay about six dollars for parking. It's real pain in the ass. INT. AIRPORT - DAY Dieter leads Daryl through the concourse. DARYL Dieter, we'll never get information from a customs agent. These guys are Federal agents. Just then, Dieter sees the Customs Agent who strip searched him before. The Customs guy looks around, then WAVES. CUT TO: A LIST OF NAMES AND ADDRESSES - IN THE MONKEY-MOBILE Daryl looks over the list and drives. DARYL This is a list of every animal brought through LA in the last month -- names, addresses, everything. It's amazing what frat brothers will do for each other. DIETER Well, you know, Sigma Chi, do or die. DARYL Let's see... dog, dog, cat, dog, dog, here we go -- monkey! This is the only monkey checked through customs in the last month. The name is Smith. The address is 2000 Woodcrest in Malibu. DIETER 2000 Woodcrest? Dieter pulls out the invitation that Gena gave him on the set of Baywatch. The address is -- 2000 Woodcrest. DIETER HASSELHOFF?! INT. DIETER'S MANSION - NIGHT Dieter's house is empty and dark. Angle on a phone. It rings, breaking the silence. It rings again. DIETER'S VOICE (V.O.) Hi, this is Dieter. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) LISTEN CAREFULLY OR THE MONKEY DIES. WE WANT -- DIETER'S VOICE (V.O.) (picking up) I'm not home right now, but you can reach me in America at 818-555-9697. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) IS THIS A MACHINE? DAMN! HELLO? I THINK THIS IS A MACHINE. UH, I GOTTA GO. BYE. Click. Dial tone. EXT. MALIBU MANSION - NIGHT Dieter pulls up to the huge estate in his mini car, very out of place among the Mercedes, Porsches, etc. He and Daryl get out. DIETER There must be some mistake. I have already taunted Hasselhoff and he is as innocent as a newborn seal, still slick from its mother's womb. DARYL Don't worry , partner, if there's a monkey in there, I'll find it. They walk past a gold sign that reads "CHATEAU HASSELHOFF". INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - PARTY - NIGHT Dieter and Daryl enter the splendiferous mansion of David Hasselhoff. A big party is in full swing, with celebrities. DARYL (whistling) Ooo-wee, nice digs. Hey, is that Nipsy Russell? DIETER Please Daryl, try to act like he's not the first superstar you've ever seen. (noticing someone) Oh, no. DARYL What is it? DIETER An old flame. DICK VAN PATTEN approaches them. He is cold. DICK VAN PATTEN Hello, Dieter. DIETER Hello, Dick. DICK VAN PATTEN (regarding Daryl) Is this your newest victim? DIETER Please, Dick, don't make a scene. DICK VAN PATTEN Dieter, you know I've never gotten over you. Can you forget Malta? The hovercraft? CUT TO: EXT. MALTA - HOVERCRAFT - DAY (FLASHBACK) Dick and Dieter are on the deck of a hovercraft speeding across the ocean. They are both nude. DICK VAN PATTEN Phillipe, more champagne! A TURKISH BOY comes over and pours them both champagne. DICK VAN PATTEN Dieter, tell me this will last forever. Dick and Dieter lean in for a kiss. Closer... then we -- CUT BACK TO: INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - PARTY - NIGHT We return to the party. Dick van Patten is crying. DICK VAN PATTEN I gave you the most precious gift a man can give. DIETER I gave you your watch back. DICK VAN PATTEN You rejected me. DIETER I wish you had never learned to weep, Dick van Patten! DICK VAN PATTEN Forgive me, I've had too much to drink. He rushes off, emotional. DARYL Dick van Patten! Man, Dieter, you swim with the big fish. Just then, Dieter sees Gena waving to him from across the room. DIETER Daryl, why don't we split up? You look for traces of monkey and I'll... do other things. DARYL Alright, partner. Hey, is that Dom DeLuise? Daryl runs after Dom as Gena approaches. GENA Hi. I'm really glad you could make it. DIETER I never miss a decadent expression of bourgeois hyperbole. GENA You mean a party? Do you always have to intellectualize fun? DIETER In Germany, fun is for the elderly and the mentally deficient. GENA Well, we'll just have to make you less German and more human. MUSIC: "Let's Make Lots of Money" by THE PET SHOP BOYS PARTY MONTAGE While Daryl snoops around smelling bananas and drinking from mostly-empty glasses, Dieter and Gena mingle, shot in cinema verite style (like the party in The Player). As they walk through we hear the conversations of real celebs, such as: TOM HANKS We opened at twenty-two, but five million of that was my assistant buying tickets with my Amex. I figure I make it up in the back end, right? ELLEN DEGENERES and ANNE HECHE talking to a YOUNG EXEC. YOUNG EXEC I am head of development for the Dalai Lama, and I think I have something that's perfect for the two of you. JONATHAN LIPNIKI and MIKE DELUCA. JONATHAN LIPNIKI How would you feel if I told you I wanted to direct? Gena points to BRIAN GRAZER and RON HOWARD. GENA That's Brian Grazer, head of Imagine. He's one of the biggest producers in town. DIETER I have an idea for him. Dieter heads over to Brian Grazer, interrupting his conversation with RON HOWARD. DIETER You have heard of the canine classic Old Yeller? BRIAN GRAZER (startled) Of course. DIETER Well, I propose a sequel... Two- Headed Old Yeller! CUT TO: INT. CABIN - DAY (TWO-HEADED OLD YELLER CLIP) A hardened COUNTRY WOMAN is washing dishes in a plain old cabin. A freckle-faced BOY comes running in. BOY Ma, Yeller's back from the research center and he's got two heads. Can we keep him? MA Well, you have to feed him twice a day, once for his normal head and once for his vestigial head. EXT. PORCH - DAY (TWO-HEADED OLD YELLER CLIP) The boy runs out on the porch. BOY I get to keep you, Two-Headed Old Yeller! We see Two-Headed Old Yeller. He is a cute Old Yeller type dog with TWO HEADS. One head BARKS and then the other head BARKS a weird bark. INT. HASSELHOFF'S PARTY Brian Grazer and Ron Howard are enraptured. BRIAN GRAZER I love it! How does it end? INT. CABIN - DAY - MONTHS LATER (TWO-HEADED OLD YELLER CLIP) The boy stands with his PA. BOY Pa, what's that matter with Two- Headed Old Yeller? He's foaming at the mouth. PA Both mouths? BOY Yeah, Pa. PA I'm sorry, Billy, it sounds like the rabies. You know I gotta do what's best for us, and for Two-Headed Old Yeller. Pa takes his GUN down off the wall and walks out of the cabin. The boy runs to his Ma. She covers his ears as we hear a SHOT. And then another SHOT. BACK TO: INT. HASSELHOFF'S MANSION - PARTY - NIGHT Brian Grazer and Ron Howard's faces are STREAMING WITH TEARS as is everyone's around him. BRIAN GRAZER (crying) That's the saddest damn thing I ever heard. RON HOWARD You know, I'd love to direct something like that. DIETER Back off, Opie. LATER - ELSEWHERE IN THE PARTY Gena introduces Dieter to man with a long grey ponytail. GENA Dieter, this is Richard Klein, head of one of LA's most successful ad agencies. RICHARD KLEIN Right now we're trying to market an obscure Swedish candy in the US. Your European sensibilities are perfect. Got any ideas? CUT TO: ACTUAL MENTOS COMMERCIAL One of the familiar ones we've all seen on TV, with weird silent Nordic types who smile robotically and give a thumbs up after they move a car or something. MUSIC: Mentos theme BACK TO: INT. HASSELHOFF'S MANSION - PARTY - NIGHT Richard Klein loves it. RICHARD KLEIN That's genius! With an ad campaign like this, Mentos is destined to be huge! You're hired! Gena toasts Dieter. PARTY - LATER Dieter and Gena look very bored as they listen to a long story by CLINT EASTWOOD. CLINT EASTWOOD ... let's see, that was on the set of "Every Which Way But Loose" -- no, no it was "Any Which Way You Can". Anyway, that crazy monkey got a hold of my car keys -- DIETER Your story has become tiresome. Now is the time at the party when we dance! Dieter starts to do his crazy dance. At first everyone just stares at him, but then the music changes and people start to JOIN IN. First Gena, then others, then everyone. LATER - THE PARTY Gena and Dieter are talking. GENA Looks like you're a hit, Dieter. DIETER Sorry, I didn't hear you -- I was too busy selling out. Where are you from? GENA Actually I grew up not far from -- DIETER Enough small talk. Now is the time when I grill you. Do you enjoy working for the Hasselhoff? GENA David's a great guy. DIETER Yes, I thought his work on Nichtrider was groundbreaking. Tell me, does he have an interest in monkeys? GENA Why don't you ask him? Hasselhoff approaches them smoking a cigar. HASSELHOFF Welcome to Chateau Hasselhoff, Dieter. Had any luck finding your monkey? DIETER No. The kidnappers are demanding fifty thousand dollars American. HASSELHOFF But Sprockets is a very successful show Dieter -- not as successful as Baywatch of course, but surely it made you a wealthy man. Why don't you pay? DIETER I was rich once, but I spent all my money on art and lotions. HASSELHOFF I'm sorry to hear that, Dieter. DARYL Cut the crap, pretty boy. Daryl appears beside Hasselhoff. HASSELHOFF Is this a friend of yours, Dieter? DIETER Um, I can't remember. DARYL Where's the monkey, Hoo-hoo-hoff? (sniffing Hasselhoff) I can smell it on you. HASSELHOFF Would you happen to have any proof? Daryl pulls out the list. DARYL This is a list of animals that have come through customs. It says right here that a monkey came to this address. HASSELHOFF There must be some mix-up. (takes the slips) Look, the name on this is Smith. My name's not Smith. The only animal I've taken through customs is my cat. I took him with me to Monte Carlo. Won a bundle. DARYL Cat, huh? Don't you think if you owned a cat, you'd have a... litter box? HASSELHOFF Of course. DARYL Ha! HASSELHOFF You're standing in it. Widen to reveal that Daryl is indeed standing with one foot in the litter box. He steps out and tries to shake it off his leg. DARYL I see you got the clumping kind, that's smart. HASSELHOFF Dieter, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. EXT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - NIGHT Gena walks out with Dieter and Daryl. DARYL You're just gonna let him get away? GENA Last time I checked it's not illegal to own a cat. DARYL I'm telling you, Dieter, Klaus was in that house. That wasn't cat poop in that box. DIETER How do you know? Daryl spits something into his hand and shows it to Dieter. DARYL When's the last time you tasted cat poop with banana in it? Dieter and Gena are disgusted. DIETER You are as jealous as an aging ingenue. Your efforts to find Klaus have amounted to scheibe and now you have falsely accused Hasselhoff. DARYL Dieter, you've been blinded by the bright lights of Hollywood. You don't really care about Klaus. You've forgotten what it means to love another creature unselfishly. You only want Klaus back so you can keep that weird show of yours. DIETER That is not true! (to camera, zoom) OR IS IT? DARYL Tell me something, Dieter, what color are Klaus's eyes? Dieter doesn't know. CLOSE-UP on Dieter's brow. Beads of sweat pool up. DRAMATIC music stings. DARYL It's a simple question. What color are Klaus's eyes? DIETER (panicking) They are monkey-colored, okay? How should I know? DARYL I'm this close to blowing this case wide open, Dieter. I am a monkey tracker! And I'm not giving up until I find Klaus. With or without you. Daryl gets into the monkey-mobile and screeches off, leaving Dieter and Gena. DIETER (V.O.) The next day, Gena showed me Los Angeles. For a few precious moments, I was so happy I almost forgot to be miserable. EXT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY A) Dieter imitates those guys who pretend to be robots on Hollywood Boulevard. B) Gena gets her picture taken with a cardboard cut-out of BRAD PITT. Dieter gets his picture made with a cardboard cut-out of the EXECUTION VICTIM from that famous Vietnam War photo. C) Dieter and Gena stand by a sign that says "La Brea Tar Pits". Suddenly Gena notices that Dieter is gone. She looks and sees him emerging from the Pits, covered in tar, arms raised like a monster. They laugh. D) Dieter and Gena exit the WAX MUSEUM. Dieter tries to get her to enter the MUSEUM OF SORES AND LESIONS. She declines. E) They open a big book called "Pick Your Own Target". Gena points to a picture of a "CLOWN"; Dieter picks one labeled "MOM". We see Dieter and Gena firing flame throwers at men in fireproof suits, one dressed as a clown, the other dressed as an old lady. INT. DIETER'S ROOM - NIGHT (MONTAGE ENDS) Dieter and Gena are snuggling on the couch in Dieter's room. The lights are dim, a romantic mood. DIETER Gena, today was wonderful -- then it was hellish for about half an hour -- then it was wonderful again. GENA I'm glad you had a good time. Gena strikes a provocative pose. Dieter is aroused. DIETER'S POV: Gena is replaced by Dieter's MOTHER. DIETER'S MOTHER Dieter! Dieter is horrified. He blinks and Gena reappears. GENA Dieter? Then his MOTHER: DIETER'S MOTHER Dieter! Then GENA. GENA Dieter? What's the matter? DIETER Excuse me, I'm working out some issues. Gena slips off her robe, revealing a sexy nightie. DIETER They are worked out now. Gena pulls Dieter on top of her. DIETER Gena? GENA Yes, Dieter? DIETER Make a face like a whore! GENA (laughing) What? You're crazy, there's no way I'm making a face like a whore! DIETER I love that. Gena, you have really taught me to loosen up. Just then, the PHONE RINGS. DIETER (into phone) Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Hut. They GIGGLE. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) WHAT? SORRY, I THINK I HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER -- DIETER (suddenly serious) No, this is Dieter. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) KEEP PLAYING THESE GAMES AND THE MONKEY DIES. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FIGURED OUT I WAS IN LOS ANGELES, BUT THAT TRICK WILL COST YOU. THE RANSOM HAS JUST DOUBLED TO ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. DIETER I don't have that kind of cash. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) DON'T LIE TO ME! I READ VARIETY. THE EXCHANGE WILL BE TOMORROW. He hangs up. Dieter looks at Gena, frightened. EXT. GREENBLATT'S DELI Establishing shot of the famous deli on Sunset. INT. GREENBLATT'S DELI A busy deli. An OLD COUNTERMAN is writing down orders on a pad. The phone RINGS. He answers it. OLD COUNTERMAN Greenblatt's. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) YEAH, I'D LIKE A PASTRAMI REUBEN, HOLD THE SLAW -- OLD COUNTERMAN Hold on, I can't understand you with that voice scrambler on. SCRAMBLED VOICE (V.O.) OH SORRY. We hear a CLICK. When the voice comes back on, it is strangely familiar. FAMILIAR VOICE (V.O.) Is that better? OLD COUNTERMAN Okay, you want pastrami Reuben, no slaw, comes with a pickle. What's the name? INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF DAVID HASSELHOFF is on the phone. DAVID HASSELHOFF (to camera) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. GREENBLATT'S DELI COUNTERMAN (beat) Sir, why are you laughing? Did I say something funny? INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF DAVID HASSELHOFF (catching himself) No, sorry. Um, could I get some potato salad on the side? EXT. IL RANCHO MILAGRO STREETS - NEXT DAY A van rolls slowly through the neighborhood. On the side it says "NEW LEAF FLORISTS" but you can quite clearly see the "FBI" logo showing through a thin layer of new paint. It also has a "FEDERAL VEHICLE" license plate and a bumper sticker that says "HONK IF YOU LOVE THE FBI". INT. VAN - DRIVING - DAY FBI AGENT FISHER drives a delivery van. AGENT MILBURNE is in the passenger seat, talking on a radio. MILBURNE This is eagle. We are moving in to prep the pigeon and we are deep undercover. Do not attempt to contact. Repeat, we are deep undercover. EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY The van parks. The AGENTS get out, wearing florist coveralls and carrying bouquets, but have forgotten to take off their mirrored sunglasses and earpieces. A NEIGHBOR opens her door to get the paper. NEIGHBOR Who's getting flowers? The high-strung FBI guys wheel around, dropping their flowers and FIRING UZIS which are hidden in the bouquets. INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY Dieter, Gena, and Bob are sitting with the FBI guys. Carol enters. She is INCREDIBLY THIN. She has literally lost 70 pounds since we last saw her last. She is also completely WIRED. She carries a tray of milk and cookies, which RATTLES because she is shaking so hard. CAROL (to FBI guys) Can you boys eat on duty? BOB Why don't you set that tray down, honey? CAROL Okay. Carol lets go of the tray about TWO FEET above the table. It CRASHES down and everyone jumps. CAROL Is anyone else seeing double? MILBURNE We'll just serve ourselves, ma'am. (to Dieter) I'm Agent Milburne and this is Agent Fisher, Federal Bureau of Investigation. FISHER The first thing we need to do is get an accurate description of the victim. How old is Klaus? DIETER Approximately 12. He was adopted. FISHER Height? DIETER About 3 feet four inches. FISHER A little short for his age, huh? Okay, what is the color and length of his hair? DIETER His hair is dark brown and about an inch long, with bald spots where he scratches too much. FISHER You know, my son got that too. I put him in private school. Do you have a picture of the little fella? DIETER Yes. Dieter pulls out a picture of Klaus and shows it to Fisher and Milburne. We don't see it. MILBURNE (grimacing) Holy Lord! What is he doing? Dieter whispers something to Bob. MILBURNE That's disgusting. DIETER (proud) Thank you. FISHER Now, do you have the ransom? Dieter opens a briefcase. It is packed with hundred-dollar bills. FISHER Listen, we need to put a wire on you. That way, we keep track of you every second. We can put it on your chest but it's easily detected if they pat you down. The safest thing to do is tape it to your scrotum. DIETER If you must. FISHER It might be a little cold. Below frame: Fisher places the wire. Dieter's eyebrows shoot up. DIETER This takes me back to my college days. MILBURNE Keep your mind on what we're doing. Follow the instructions exactly. Don't try to be a hero. We have a specially trained commando team shadowing you. These men are killers. If there is the slightest hint of danger, say the word "Apache" and they will attack, got it? DIETER Yes, if there is trouble I say "Apach--" Milburne leaps up and clamps a hand on Dieter's mouth. MILBURNE Don't! Only in an emergency. GENA Good luck, Dieter. Carol runs up and gives Dieter a hug. TYLER When you come back will you teach me to ice skate like you promised? BOB JUNIOR Hey, if you die should I give your clothes to the gay Goodwill or what? BOB You shut up, Bob Junior! HUSH IT! (to Dieter) See you when you get back, buddy. EXT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - DAY The Sheeder's door opens and a phalanx of COMMANDOS comes out with guns drawn, protecting Dieter who is in the middle. An innocent JOGGER waves. JOGGER Good morning! The FBI guys turn and MOW HIM DOWN. He falls in a heap. EXT. IL RANCHO MILAGRO GATED COMMUNITY - GATE - DAY Dieter in the mini-van pulls out. Then Fisher and Milburne in the florist van. Then, after a beat, DARYL FOLLOWS secretly in the monkey-mobile. INT. SOUNDPROOF ROOM - LOCATION UNKNOWN - DAY Pete and Klaus are sitting on the couch in identical postures. We see that they are playing Diddy Kong Racing on NINTENDO 64. PETE You shoulda hit that striper! (playing the game) Now Pete's taking the shortcut... Pete's racing through the canyon... and... Pete wins! Pete wins! (to Klaus) You suck, Godzilla! I own you! I got game! (beat) Wait a minute, you're a monkey, dude. I forgot. You play awesome for a monkey! The PHONE RINGS. As Pete answers it, he grabs his cheek and stretches it out, making a crappy homemade voice scrambler. PETE (answering, stretching his cheek) Hebbblo? INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - INTERCUT We see that it's Hasselhoff, but he still has the voice scrambler on. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) IT'S ME. HOW'S THE MONKEY? PETE (stretching his cheek) He's coolba. Be bere jus pblaybing Nintenbo. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU. WHY IS YOUR VOICE LIKE THAT? PETE (stops doing it) I was just using my voice scrambler, bro. Why should you be the only one? HASSELHOFF (scrambled) DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. IT'S GOING DOWN RIGHT NOW. HE'S ON HIS WAY TO THE RENDEZVOUS POINT. PETE Get ready, Godzilla, you're going home. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) WHAT DID YOU CALL HIM? PETE Godzilla, like that big monkey in that movie. HASSELHOFF (scrambled) YOU MEAN KING KONG, YOU IDIOT. LISTEN, THAT MONKEY'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND NEITHER ARE YOU. I'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE PLANNED. PETE You mean you're not giving the dude his monkey back? Harsh, dude, very harsh. (beat, to Klaus) Hey, you know what that means, Godzilla? Rematch! Hasselhoff hangs up and dials another number. DAVID HASSELHOFF (into phone) Hello, sheriff's department? This is David Hasselhoff. (beat) Yes, that David Hasselhoff. I'd like to report a trespasser. EXT. ROAD TO CABIN - NIGHT Night has fallen. Dieter drives the mini-van up a treacherous mountain road. As he turns into a gravel driveway, he speaks into his collar. DIETER I'm here. Dieter pulls in. Farther down the road, the COMMANDOS pour out of the van and disappear into the woods. Even further down the road, the MONKEY-MOBILE pulls over and stops. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Dieter walks through the woods towards a cabin in the distance. He is WHISTLING the theme from Fritz Lang's "M". INT. FBI VAN Fisher and Milburne are hunched over listening and working computer equipment. Fisher wears headphones. MILBURNE Getting anything? FISHER He's whistling. Badly. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Dieter is closer to the cabin, still WHISTLING. He hears an animal noise and turns to the right, a little scared. Nothing. He turns back to the left to see a RACCOON jump right in his face, horror-movie style. Dieter is terrified. After a beat he looks down at his crotch. DIETER Oops. INT. FBI VAN - NIGHT Fisher and Milburne listen. We hear a SSSSSSSSSS sound. FISHER Oh, man, he's pissing himself. Suddenly, the audio CACKS OUT and we hear FUZZ. Fisher hits some switches, jiggles some wires. FISHER It's shorted out. We've lost him. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Dieter's face is a mixture of fear and relief. He approaches the cabin on foot, carrying the briefcase. DIETER (whispering) Klaus! Klaus! He hears a high-pitched SQUEAK. Could it be? DIETER (whispering) Hold on, Klaus, I am coming. Dieter looks around and opens a window to the cabin. He sneaks in. On the other side of the cabin, we see the source of the noises -- it is a RACCOON. He also slips into the cabin. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT SHERIFF'S CAR drives past Daryl in the monkey-mobile and pulls up to the cabin. The SHERIFF and his deputy, BILLY, get out of the car. BILLY Isn't this where Cooter and his brother saw them flying saucers? SHERIFF Shut up, Billy! Just keep your eyes open for trespassers. They walk towards the cabin. INT. CABIN - NIGHT Dieter is inside. It is pitch black. All we can see are Dieter's EYES and a set of SMALLER EYES. DIETER (V.O.) Klaus? We here a fearful SQUEAK. DIETER (V.O.) Klaus, we have been through so much. Let me hug you. Dieter moves towards 'Klaus' and TRIPS over something. The SCREECHING noise gets high-pitched and ominous. DIETER (V.O.) Klaus, why won't you let me hug you? Klaus! Come here, you silly bitch. We hear the sounds of a HUGE SCUFFLE, overturning furniture, HORRIBLE SCREECHING, etc. DIETER (V.O.) Oww! Not the eyes, Klaus! Not the eyes! EXT. CABIN The sheriff and his deputy have an ear to the door. SHERIFF Something goddamn awful is happening in there. INT. CABIN - NIGHT The SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE continue, the screeching builds to a pitch, and then SILENCE. DIETER (V.O.) Ahha! I've got you! Ah Klaus, it is so good to see you again. (making kissy noises) Mmmmmaw! Mmmawch! Suddenly, the sheriff and his deputy BURST IN. They switch on a LIGHT to reveal Dieter in what appears to be a compromising position with the raccoon, his EYES CLOSED. DIETER (still making kissy noises) Klaus, it is good to see you. Mmmwa-mmmmwch! (opens his eyes) Ahhhhhhh! RACCOON Eeeeeeeeii! The RACCOON scurries away out of the cabin. SHERIFF (disgusted) What the hell were you doing to that raccoon, son? DIETER I though it was a monkey. SHERIFF Jesus Christ! That's worse! DIETER I came here to pay. Look, here is the money. Dieter opens the case. SHERIFF Are you trying to bribe a peace officer? DIETER No, I just want my monkey! I want my monkey! SHERIFF Hey, hey calm down! Hands away from the crotchal area! DIETER You are interfering with an FBI schting operation. (into collar) G-men? Come in, G-men. SHERIFF Billy, check him out. BILLY (patting Dieter down) He's clean. No wire. SHERIFF Check his scrotum. BILLY (reluctant) You want me to check his scrotum, Sheriff? SHERIFF Yeah, Billy, go ahead. BILLY Okay. (long beat) Sheriff, what's a scrotum? SHERIFF Jesus, Billy. It's your ball sack, it's what holds your nuts in. BILLY Oh, Okay! I thought it was that thing in your throat that hangs down. (to Dieter) Pardon me, sir. Billy reaches down (out of frame) between Dieter's legs and gives a mighty yank. SFX: Rrrrrrrrrippp! Dieter's face contorts in pain, then a slight smile. DIETER Ouch. BILLY Here it is, Sheriff. Billy holds up the microphone by its wire. It still has tape on it, and the tape has pulled off a clump of sparse HAIR. SHERIFF Well maybe you are telling the truth. If this is really an FBI operation, you must have an emergency word. DIETER (into collar microphone) I am about to tell the sheriff the code word. This is not a distress call. Do not attack. (to sheriff) We are safe now. The code word is "Apache". INT. FBI VAN - NIGHT Fisher and Milburne work at the equipment, trying to get a signal back. Finally Fisher tunes it in. FISHER Got it! DIETER (V.O.) (crackly, on the radio) ... "Apache". EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. HELICOPTERS with spotlights appear overhead. The field around the cabin turns into a bunch of COMMANDOS as they rise up from holes dug in the ground. ARMORED TROOP CARRIERS roar up. Flashlights, laser sights, and infrared images appear everywhere. Fisher and Milburne lead the troops. INT. CABIN - NIGHT The sheriff reacts to the commotion outside. SHERIFF What the hell? Billy goes to the window and looks. All he sees are huge lights overhead and what looks to be CREATURES with red lights coming out of their heads. BILLY It's aliens, sheriff! Just like in that movie with the Fresh Prince! Billy, wild-eyed, pulls up his shotgun and FIRES out the window. BILLY You ain't gonna give me an anal probe! He FIRES again and hits one of the agents. The FBI guys return fire with HEAVY MACHINE GUNS. INT./ EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - FIREFIGHT A huge gun battle erupts between the FBI commandos outside and the Sheriff and Billy inside. It is like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, with the cabin getting riddled with bullets. The Sheriff and his deputy fire out the windows, then quickly duck back down again. At some point, Billy tosses Dieter a shotgun. SHERIFF Billy! BILLY If the aliens get us, we'll all be dead anyway! Dieter joins in, blasting away with the shotgun. The FBI guys are taking terrible casualties but they have overwhelming firepower. One shot blows up a truck. The sheriff takes a bullet in the shoulder. Another shot kills Agent Milburne. It is a bloodbath. Finally an FBI guy launches TEAR GAS into the cabin. BILLY It's alien amnesia gas! Run! EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Dieter, the Sheriff, and Billy run out of the cabin with their hands up. They are surrounded by men in black armored suits and blinded by spotlights. BILLY Just give me the anal probe now! Get it over with! FISHER (O.S.) Keep your hands up where we can see them! Do not move! DIETER Curious. The aliens speak English. BILLY Escape while you can, sheriff. I'm ready for the ultimate journey, I'm ready! Billy charges towards the lights. BILLY Ahhhhhhhhh! A SINGLE SHOT rings out and he falls. Fisher can see that he has a uniform on. FISHER Jesus Christ, are you law enforcement? The giant lights go out and the FBI guys lower their guns. Medics come and load Billy up on a stretcher. FISHER Why the hell did you fire on us? SHERIFF We got a tip that somebody's been up here trespassing on private property. We checked it out and found this German, says he's part of a ransom drop. FISHER He's right, you stupid redneck. This was a carefully planned and researched sting operation, which is now all for shit! SHERIFF (looking around) Why would you guys go through all this trouble for a monkey? FISHER What do you mean, monkey? Dieter starts to walk backwards slowly, hoping no one will notice. SHERIFF Well the German says he was here to pay the ransom on his monkey. FISHER (to Dieter) Wait a minute, Klaus is a monkey? DIETER Oops. Did I not mention that? FISHER We thought he was your kid! An ugly hairy little kid! Hey, it's not our job to judge other people's kids, right? We lost six men out here tonight, mister! Six good men with families! My partner for twenty years just died with his large intestines in his hands! He was crying for his momma while blood came out his ears and for what? A goddamned chimp?! DIETER A spider monkey, actually. Chimps are much larger and -- Fisher strikes Dieter in the stomach with the butt of his gun. Dieter doubles over in pain as Fisher walks off. DIETER (strained) At least you're not angry. EXT. CABIN - LATER The aftermath of the crime scene. Cop cars, ambulances, etc. They stuff Dieter into a sheriff's car and race away, sirens blaring. Daryl approaches BILLY, who has a bandage around his leg. DARYL Jeez, what happened here? BILLY We apprehended a Caucasian male for trespassing, bribing a peace officer, and, lets see... (looking on his pad) Oh yeah, fucking a raccoon. DARYL Trespassing? Whose property is this? BILLY (checking the pad) Some guy named... David Hasselhoof? DARYL (extreme close-up) HASSELHOFF?! INT. CHATEAU HASSELHOFF - DAY Hasselhoff sits next to a record player wearing bulky old- fashioned headphones. He is rocking back and forth, jamming out. He tilts the album and we see that it is "DAVID HASSELHOFF'S GREATEST HITS". A TV is on behind him. A picture of DIETER appears on the news. Hasselhoff takes of the headphones and turns it up. INT. NEWS DESK (ON TELEVISION) MALE ANCHOR In Southland news, German talk show host known only as Dieter has been arrested. Gunfire broke out at a remote cabin late last night as police tried to make the arrest. Dieter is being held on charges of trespassing, attempted bribery, and fucking a raccoon. FEMALE ANCHOR Thanks, Chuck. In other news -- Hasselhoff turns the TV off and laughs smugly. EXT. JAIL - DAY It is a sleek, modern concrete building. It could be a software company. A sign says "RIVERSIDE COUNTY CORRECTIONAL FACILITY". A GUIDE is leading a tour. TOUR GUIDE Welcome to the Riverside County Correctional Facility. Over here you can see our main campus, designed by I.M. Pei. Wow. Now would be a good time for photos. As you can see, Riverside is truly a state-of-the-art facility. A GUARD enters the jail. We follow him. INT. JAIL In stark contrast to the sleek exterior, the inside of the jail is like a MEDIEVAL DUNGEON. Iron bars, stone walls, straw floors, rats, etc. Prisoners are chained to the walls, MOANING. PRISONER The rat ate my leg! The rat ate my leg! ANOTHER PRISONER Eww! I ate the rat! Eww! INT. JAIL - ROW OF CELLS Pan across a LINE OF PRISONERS. They each hold numbered pieces of paper. They wait impatiently. The line ends at DIETER'S CELL. INT. JAIL - OUTSIDE DIETER'S CELL A mean-looking prisoner with many tattoos steps out. A second later, Dieter steps out. He looks down at a pad. DIETER Number 23. 23, please. The next prisoner steps up and hands Dieter his number. He smiles to reveal a mouth full of gold teeth. A PRISON GUARD calls out. PRISON GUARD Dieter, you got a visitor. Somebody must love you a whole lot to come all the way out here. DIETER (wistful) Gena? INT. PRISON - VISITOR'S AREA Dieter, in leg irons, is led into a room where prisoners are meeting with their families. DICK VAN PATTEN is waiting for him. DIETER Dick! Dieter and Dick sit across from each other. DICK Dieter, what have they done to you? DIETER I can't stand for you to see me like this, Dick. Please go away. DICK But Dieter, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. DIETER It's over, Dick. But remember, we'll always have Malta. DICK One last kiss? DIETER (finally) All right. Dick gives Dieter a big open-mouth kiss. The whole room of prisoners CHEERS. ROOM Wooooo! Yeah! Ruf! PRISONER "Eight Is Enough" for me, man! INT. DIETER'S CELL The guard throws him back in and closes the cell. Dieter waits until the guard is gone and turns around. He opens his mouth and PULLS OUT A KEY that Dick passed to him. DIETER (sotto) Thank you, Dick van Patten. EXT. PRISON YARD - NIGHT Dieter creeps along the wall, periodically dodging a SPOTLIGHT that sweeps across. VOICE (O.S.) (whisper) Psssst! It is a prisoner named JASPER, also making a break. JASPER I'm going too, man. A SPOTLIGHT comes near. Across the yard a GUARD carrying a MACHINE GUN leads a pack of DOGS. Dieter has to stifle a tear. JASPER What's the matter, man, you scared? DIETER No, it just reminds me so much of home. JASPER Here, you'll need these. Dog biscuits. Jasper hands him a package of bone-shaped biscuits labeled "DOG BISCUITS". JASPER Good luck, man. DIETER Let us do this thing. EXT. PRISON WALLS - NIGHT Suddenly, the foggy stillness is SHATTERED by ALARMS and SPOTLIGHTS. The prison awakens immediately, dogs barking, guards yelling, etc. We see a shadowy figure run into the night. It is Jasper. He stays low to the ground, moving like a wild cat. A moment later we see the silhouette of Dieter, tip-toeing through the fields upright like an English dandy. EXT. FIELD - NIGHT Dieter runs into the woods, passing a sign that says "SNAKE FOREST". EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Various shots -- feet running, men with guns, dogs. Dieter runs as fast as he can through the dark woods. The dogs are gaining on him. GUARDS He's this way! Come on! etc. Still running, the dogs even closer. Dieter is getting winded. The dogs can smell the kill. Finally Dieter stops in a patch of moonlight. He is doubled-over, panting. He can hear BARKING coming closer. Dieter quickly pulls out the bone-shaped dog biscuits that Jasper gave him. He looks in the direction of the barking, then POPS THE BOG BISCUITS IN HIS MOUTH. His energy renewed, Dieter takes off running again. EXT. WOODS - CREEK - NIGHT The SHERIFF, GUARDS, and DOGHANDLERS come to a creek. The dogs sniff around, but they've lost the trail. DOG HANDLER Looks like we lost 'em. SHERIFF Don't worry, they won't get far. Remember, those woods are filled with snakes. EXT. WOODS - DIETER RUNNING - NIGHT Dieter runs right by a giant RATTLESNAKE which rattles threateningly. EXT. ABANDONED SHED - WOODS - NIGHT The posse has found something. The dogs are going crazy and flashlights play over the old shed. SHERIFF Well, let's have a look. They pull open the door of the shed. Inside is Jasper -- DEAD. A huge snake hangs off his face. It is horrifying. Billy the deputy runs in. BILLY Sheriff, we just got a report -- (noticing the body) Oh, mommy! Billy doubles over and VOMITS. SHERIFF That's alright, son, it's only natural. BILLY (wiping his mouth off) I'm sorry, Sheriff. (looking at it again) Oh God! He doubles over and VOMITS again, then runs out. SHERIFF (regarding the corpse) Poor bastard. What more do we have to do? We warn 'em about the snakes. Every night, 'don't try to escape, y'all, the woods are filled with snakes.' Hell, we even named the place Snake Forest. I guess that German fella probably got himself bit to death by now. EXT. WOODS - CLEARING - NIGHT Dieter is curled up asleep, using a COILED SNAKE as a pillow. Different varieties of snakes crawl all over him. He has a contented smile on his face. INT. NEWSCAST (ON TELEVISION) The same vacant anchor people as before. MALE ANCHOR An update tonight on the story of Dieter, the German talk show host arrested yesterday on charges of trespassing and bribery. It seems he led a daring prison break and is now on the run. Police do consider him dangerous. FEMALE ANCHOR Now is he the one that fucked a raccoon, Frank? MALE ANCHOR That's right, Lisa. Now, on to sports with Mister Z! INT. SHEEDER RESIDENCE - MORNING Pull back to see Bob and Carol watching the news on TV. CAROL Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. You don't think he's guilty, do you, Bob? BOB Dieter? Trespassing, bribery? Not in a million years. (beat) That part about the raccoon does ring true, though. INT. TRUCKSTOP - DAY Pan across a bunch of down and dirty TRUCKERS eating chili and burgers at a grungy truck stop. A lot of them are reading newspapers with Dieter's picture on the front and headlines like "DIETER ESCAPES". "ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS OUTRAGED". "RACCOON SEEKS COUNSELING". The camera reaches Dieter. He sits alone in a booth. WAITRESS What can I get you? DIETER