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All right. Before you start reading this rather strange adventure, there are a few background notes you need to hear about. This whole thing was spawned off of a couple of round robins on the list. The first was the villain's ball. The only real note needed on this was that Jen-Bee, my accomplice in all this insanity, summoned up a demon named Catch, and was subsequently stuck with him. Next came the holiday round robin which soon became the holiday pool party...and anyway, to get to the end of it, I was board and off-handedly mentioned that I'd like to talk to the demon (Catch) Jen had brought with her. This was followed by a little plea of help to escape my boredom. I though that was that. Imagine my surprise, and delight when this little goody showed up in my in-box.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Jen-Bee~
I sat on my couch, aimlessly humming a Christmas carol & wishing I still had some of those virgin margaritas. I shivered slightly from the lack of heat in my house, wishing I was back at the pool party. I heard a voice behind me & jumped involuntarily. "Would you stop with the racket? I've had all I can stand in the way of Christmas carols."
"Dammit, Jareth, you know my nerves are frayed enough without having you play the "Take Years Off Of Jen's Life From Scaring Her" game." He just laughed, as if heart attacks were funny. I sighed. "I guess I just can't teach an old dog new tricks. Operative word, dog."
He glared at me. "You are very quickly becoming one of my least favorite listians."
"Well that doesn't quite matter much, since I'm going to kick the bucket from too much stress at any minute."
"You have no clue what stress is. Stress is trying to collect naked pictures of yourself back from certain girls who don't know when to quit."
"Stress is having to worry about college tuition, unemployment, relationships or lack thereof, & a missing demon." I stood up, walked to the stack of papers on top of the television, & plucked a few pictures from the stack.
"I take it Catch hasn't shown up yet?"
"No. Last thing I heard from him he called from the Chapel of the Bells."
"Chapel of the Bells?"
"In Vegas." I made my way over to Jareth, sat next to him, & handed him the Polaroid's.
"God, you can't even tell that it's a picture of me, it's so blurry."
"I know. Bloody thing makes the castle look like some badly built set too."
"These are all of them?"
"Come on, how many opportunities did I have to snap a shot? You weren't exactly posing, ya know."
"True." I looked at him & smiled. Even with most of the dye out, his hair still held an orangey tint. I had to say that it was really & truly ugly. "What are you smiling at?"
"Oh, nothing, just thinking about what Catch is doing."
"Really? Because it seems to were looking at me." He pinned me on the couch.
"Oh, get off me! Your attempts at seduction are truly pathetic! Take your pictures & go!" I wriggled my way out of his grasp & stood up several steps away from him.
"You know, I got you in my bed once, & I can do it again."
"No Jareth, I got you in your bed. & In the shower, & streaking in the halls. & most important, I got photographic proof!"
"Blurred photographic proof."
"Details, Fairy-Boy! Now go on, go annoy someone else."
He pouted like a child & disappeared. There was a knock on the door. I flung it open & in walked no other than Catch. "My god, do you know how long it takes to get from the Labyrinth, to Vegas, to here?"
"No, but I'm sure you do. Sit down & tell me what happened."
**********
"So let's summarize this. You started talking to Andrea, you both got really really sloshed, you talked her into going to Vegas, you tried to get her to marry you, she sobered up & went home, you got a tattoo--" I glanced at the tasteless "BAMFY 4-EVR" on his left arm that was scrawled over a yellow heart with a smiley face design in it, "--& you didn't even go to Planet X, which is by far a better tattoo place than whatever rathole you got that thing in, you sobered up, ate a few tourists, saw Siegfreid Roy, & came back here?"
"Umm, yeah. That was pretty much it, I think. I did black out a few times though. So what happened at the party?"
I dug through my coat pockets, & pulled a few snapshots out. "Well, a picture speaks a thousand words."
Catch started howling with laughter. "MEFISTO WITH A BULLWHIP!!! These are Jareth?!"
"Yep. Clear as daylight, colors true as they can be, & in perfect focus."
"Won't Jareth come looking for them?"
"No, I threw him off track." I led him to the garage, & showed him the big makeshift set I had built, complete with a mannequin wearing a flaming red wig. "You wouldn't believe how hard it is to intentionally blur pictures."
.........................................................
Ta da!
~Jen-Bee, newbie with a bullwhip.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Needless to say, I laughed my ass off, then sent out a response that has since been lost to the winds of time. It wasn't important anyway. So...where was I? Oh yeah, told the whole thing to my friends and we got a good laugh out of it. Didn't think much more about it until the Christmas Wish list began to go round and this showed up.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jen-Bee wants a new wardrobe
Of vinyl & pink
& some female guinea pigs
for her caviary
Catch the demon only has
One request this year
He says, "Bamfy, please marry me
Please say yes, my dear!!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I took awhile to think about it before I sent a response. From there on, Jen-Bee and I traded back and forth, and the following is the end result. Parts are labeled with the author's name.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Bamfy~
"Please tell me you're not seriously considering this."
I just about dropped my fuzzy bath towel. Normally, I'm not easy to startle, but I wasn't exactly expecting anyone else to be in my bathroom when I got out of the shower. I think Jareth spies on us listians just so he can drop in on us at the most inopportune moments. That, or he's a big pervert. Probably both. "Jareth, what are you doing in my bathroom, and what *are* you babbling about?"
He handed me a sheet of paper. "I trust you've all ready seen this?"
I scanned over the wish list from the other listians. "What? Catch's little wish? Yeah, I saw it."
"And?"
"I can't say I haven't entertained a few thoughts."
"What?!" He sputtered. He started to say something else but I stopped him.
"Let me put some clothes on first, then we can try and work out whatever bug it is that's crawled up your tights." I pushed past him and went up my stairs. He started to follow but I turned and pointed back at the bottom of the stairs. "Jareth stay. Good boy." He made a face at me. Sometimes I bemoan the fact I don't have a door for the simple reason that I can't slam it in his face. I quickly threw on jeans and a sweatshirt, wrapping the towel around my damp hair, and went back downstairs. "Now then, what's your problem?"
"The whole idea of you running off with a demon is ludicrous." HE said sternly.
Now he was starting to piss me off a little bit. I mean really, what right did he have to dictate the terms of my life? I told him as much.
"The way I see it, I'm responsible for your safety." He was looking pretty smug.
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on, admit it. You're jealous."
"Of Catch? Certainly not." He replied indignantly, and a little *too* forcefully.
"And I don't see why you're making such a big deal about it. It's not *your* life, after all. Even if I did say yes, and I'm not saying I will, it's not likely very many places are going to recognize it as legal. Well, except for Hawaii and Los Vegas. It's amazing what places are willing to allow in the name of increased tourism."
"It's just not right."
"And seducing teen aged girls is? Really J, you're one to call the kettle black." I was getting disgusted with him by this point, and what little patience I posses was wearing mighty thin. "I don't even think I should talk to you. You haven't visited since right after I got back. Not so much as a 'Hello Bamfy, I hope your headache's gone.' "
Well, I'll have no part in this." He was glaring at me now.
"Pity, I was thinking if I accepted, we could have the whole thing at the castle. Invite the other listians and all. Oh well, I guess it's back to Vegas."
He scowled at me and disappeared.
"Good Riddance!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Jen-Bee~
"Oh, Catch, stop it. You're getting snot all over me."
"But it's just not *sniff* fair!!"
"You mean it's snot fair?" Instead of answering me he just set his head on my shoulder & started bawling again. Bamfy's rejection was having quite the effect on him. He had been laying around the house in sweatpants, eating Ben & Jerry (the people *&* the ice cream), & listening to the Cure & the Smiths. Everytime he looked at his tattoo he went on another crying jag. I had picked up a book for him, "Self-Help For the Bleak", & read passages form it everytime e started crying. I don't think it was working tho. "Okay, the book says, 'You were vulnerable enough to allow someone to see the real you, & they fled screaming in the opposite direction. Well, that's *their* problem'. Does that make you feel any better?"
I looked at the distraught demon, studied the back cover of the book, flung it into the fireplace, then remembered that it was a library book & went on a cursing jag. When I was finished Catch had nearly worn himself out crying. "Look, why don't you go clean your face up & calm down a bit? When you're ready, we'll go to the mall, find you a jacket, kill a vapid Claire's employee or two, & go to the Pepperoni Grill & you can watch me fling myself at the really hot girl who works there, okay? It'll be fun!"
He sniffled several times & said, "Alright. I guess so." He shuffled to the bathroom. The poor dear was really shaken, but that was really too much. Then again, I'm the 2-year torch holder, so I shouldn't really be giving him advice. I heard the clicking of boot heels in my kitchen.
"Where's your demon?!"
"Why, come to console him? Tell him that it just wasn't meant & there are other fish in the sea? & thanks for saying 'Hi' to me."
"I've come to tell that little hellspawn to stay away from Bamfy."
"Oh, why, I suppose you've scent-marked her or something?"
Jareth turned his nose up & said, "No! I just.. don't think that Catch & Bamfy are a good match, that's all."
"Okay, & it's your problem because...?"
"I have to take care of my listians."
"Mm-hmm, does taking care include sexually harassing them, stealing stuff from them, & more-or-less being a general pain in the ass?"
Catch walked into the room, seeming a bit happier. "You know Jen, You're right, I need to--" He noticed Jareth. "It's you! I suppose Bamfy sent you to mock me, didn't she?" He threw his wrist on his forehead. "But my love will not be mocked! *eep!*" He ran back into the bathroom & locked the door in the grandest drama queen standard.
Jareth stared at the bathroom door quizzically & I applauded. "He's a quite a showman, eh Jareth? You make an entrance but he- he has the art of the dramatic exit mastered!"
"How long will he stay in there?"
"A few minutes at best, the space heater's on & demons abhor heat."
"A demon from *hell* dislikes the heat?"
"Apparently hell is, despite popular belief, extremely cold."
"I'll be damned."
"Well, that's what we've been saying for years!" (this is the proper, even if obtuse, retort to "I'll be damned.")
"What?"
My voice announced from my computer, "Look! You got mail! Not that anyone wants to email you. Prolly spam anyways. Bastards."
"Why have you expanded your self-hartred onto your mail announcer?"
"Because it's cute & self-depreciation is "hip" right now, or so I've been told." I sat down at the computer. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well now is the time for you to make your exit. I hate it when people read mail over my shoulder. I got your point anyways: Catch & Bamfy-Bad! Now shoo!"
Grumbling something about a lack of respect, the Goblin King disappeared with more glitter than was necessary. Apparently he disliked having Catch show him up. Wonder why...
I looked at the email & smiled. Jareth was gonna hate this:
" Dear Catch,...."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Bamfy~
I was busy cleaning my room when I heard a familiar 'poof' behind me.
"Go away!"
"Not a very hospitable welcome. What are you doing?"
"Cleaning." I replied, slamming another stack of papers in a drawer.
"Are you always so brutal?"
"Yes." I threw a paperback at his head which he narrowly avoided.
"I sense a little hostility."
"You think?" I shot him a look that could have melted a glacier.
"You're not mad at *me*."
"The hell I'm not. Tell me, do you take sick pleasure out of ruining other peoples lives, or are you just a natural-born jerk?"
"I demand to know what I did to warrant this treatment."
"Don't pull rank with me. I don't care if you're King of the Universe, you can't order me around."
"I think I have a right."
"Like you don't know." I sniffled. "What did you do, promise him all the fast food employees he could eat to stay away from me? Hun?"
"Him? You mean Catch."
"Yes I mean Catch! I know it wasn't exactly nice of me to split on him back in Vegas, but I was confused! And I thought he still cared. So tell me, what did it take to bribe him?"
"Here." Jareth handed me a handkerchief.
"Thanks." I dried my eyes and blew my nose then attempted to hand it back to him.
"Ah, you keep it." He walked over and put his arm around my shoulders. I pulled away and glared at him again.
"So?"
"I didn't do anything. I wasn't even aware anything was wrong."
I laughed bitterly. "Well, if everything was okay, I probably would have heard from him by now. People don't just post proposals and then not follow up on them. I assume you talked him out of it. I knew you were selfish and egotistical J, but purposefully sabotaging other people's happiness is a new low, even for you."
"I don't deserve this. And you're not thinking clearly. Think about it for a moment, you don't have anything in common. And he eats people. Did you take that into account?"
"You turn babies into goblins."
"It's not the same."
"Isn't it? You both destroy lives. Besides J, you're forgetting that some of my friends are vampires. Their eating habits don't bother me, why should Catch's?"
"Reasoning with you is hopeless. Well, I for one am not going to let you ruin your life."
"That's it. Get out. I mean it. I will not be talked to like that. Go!"
He sighed. "As you wish. But you're only setting yourself up to get hurt." With that, he vanished.
"Jerk." I said to the empty air.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Jen-Bee~
I danced around my room, singing & folding clothes. It had been so bloody boring lately, ever since that blasted holiday came along & people decided they needed to drop everything & do that Christmas thing. Humbug.
The familiar glitter-poof sounded. "My, that's *so* attractive."
I stopped spinning & turned to face Jareth. "You've seen me dance. Now I have to kill you. Sorry."
"I was referring to your nail polish. Street-Walker Red suits you."
"Look, did you just come to harass me & my toenails? Because I do a perfectly good job of making myself miserable; I don't need your help."
He stood up & looked around the room. "I came to talk to your demon."
"Really, these efforts of yours are just so cute!" I condescended. I sang, "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make Bamf a match, find her a find, catch her a... *Catch*!"
"Ha ha. Hilarious. Now where is he?"
"Sixth circle."
"Excuse me."
"Sixth circle. As in The Sixth Circle of Hell. He got an email from his grandfather Trouble to go celebrate the holidays at home."
"He's celebrating *Christmas* in Hell?"
"Yeah. Irony, huh?" Jareth looked around the room again, not fully convinced I was telling the truth. He shot a dissatisfied glare in my direction & disappeared.
***************
Catch & Trouble sat in the den (of iniquities, but who are we to nit-pick?) talking. Trouble had noticed Catch wasn't his usual bouncy self, & had soon worked the twisted love story out of his grandson. "So, in love with a human who doesn't want you?" He leaned his crooked old back into the soft chair & continued. "Is it the whole 'devouring humans' thing? Humans usually get worked up over a little thing like that."
"I-- I don't know, Pappy. One minute, we're in the Chapel of the Bells, the next I'm alone, tattooed, & back at Jen's. I just don't know what went wrong."
"Well then, why don't ya just do like I did with yer granma? Barge into her house, kill her housepets, throw her over yer shoulder, take her to yer cave & threaten to kill her if she doesn't marry you."
"That's not exactly how girls these days like to be treated."
"But everyone loves a romantic!! Look, why don't ya just go tell her how ya feel? If she accepts ya, be happy, get married, & have a litter. If not, forget her. Eat her family & friends & then let it go."
"There's one problem, Pappy. I don't know where she lives!!"
"Why don't ya ask yer human keep? Jinge was it?"
"Jen. & she's as clueless as one can come."
"Those humans have the weirdest names. Well, I gotta favor to call in with Norvich, he can find anyone."
"Norvich? *The* Norvich? The Norvich as in the luggage-loser?"
"The very same. Has a great sense of direction. Must come from finding where to misroute all those bags."
Suddenly a brood of 3 small demons came bouncing over to Trouble & jumped his lap. One shouted, "Pappy Trouble! Pappy Trouble!! Tell us about Ronald Reagan again!!"
"Pappy? You were the reason they got Reagan as president?!?"
Trouble grinned & said proudly, "I still got it! Maybe you would have known about it if you'd visit once and a century."
Catch stood up & stretched. "Well, I'm gonna go find Norvich." He turned to the brood in Trouble's lap, "You tell your mama that Catch said 'Bye', okay?"
They announced in unison, "Okay Uncle Catch!! Bye!!"
"Bye Lock. Bye Shock. Bye Barrel. Bye Pappy!"
Everyone waved as Catch bounded away. The brood started jumping up & down in Trouble's lap & yelling, "Story!! Story!!"
Trouble sighed in mock annoyance. "The Reagan story *again*?! Alright... It was a few years ago, &..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Bamfy~
There didn't seem to appear to be anyone home as he slid open the sliding glass door. Just his luck. He'd traveled all the way from the sixth circle only to be faced with an empty house. Well, he'd just wait her out. He wasn't leaving until he'd completed his mission of an extravagant and humiliating display of love and adoration. In the mean time, busied himself with opening drawers and peeking in cabinets. He hadn't turned up anything interesting yet, but you never could tell. It was while on this exploration he discovered the bird cage sitting in the corner of the dining room. He bent over slightly and peered inside.
The little blue and grey bird looked at him intently for a moment, then chirped and proclaimed "Kiss Chow Chow."
Catch tried to remember what his grandfather had said about housepets but was distracted by the sound of running water overhead. So, she was in the shower. That was a problem which could be easily remedied. He glanced back at the bird who was now clinging to the inside of the cage door. "Want to help me get Bamfy out of the shower?" He crooned to the little ball of feathers. He opened the door and the little bird hoped out onto his finger. Catch placed the bird on his shoulder. He then walked into the kitchen and eyed the faucet with a devious grin. He reached over, and turned the hot water on as far as it would go.
----
Why is it I can never take a shower in peace? First J drops in on me, then all the hot water vanishes. I was seriously considering switching to baths altogether. With a couple of choice swears muttered under my breath I toweled off and got dressed, then headed downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I was extremely grateful the rest of my family was gone at some family reunion thing. (I hate them and never go. I'm sure all my relatives think I'm a sociopath or something) Catch was standing in the middle of my kitchen. With my pet parakeet perched on his shoulder. The bird caught sight of me and flew over to land on my own shoulder. Thankful
for the diversion, I picked him up on my finger and started fussing over him. "Hello Chow. How's my baby?" I said in that sappy voice everyone uses with animals and babies. Catch cleared his throat.
"Sorry. Let me put the bird away." I walked into the dinning room and put Kittychow back into his cage. (Yes I named my parakeet Kittychow. We used to have two cats and I thought it was funny, okay? Now you know how sick and deranged I really am.) I walked back into the kitchen where Catch was waiting patiently.
I gave him my best sheepish look. This was *really* awkward. "Hi." My voice came out as a high-pitched squeak.
"Bamfy-"
"Look I- You go first."
"No, go ahead."
"I'm sorry I ditched you like that. I needed some time to think."
"And you thought an airplane was the best place to do it."
"My logic sucks okay? Anyway I realize I was a jerk any you probably want to kill me now or something, -and hey I understand- but can we forgo the maiming and work things out? I'm a real coward when it comes to pain." So there I stood, pouring my heart out, and what did Catch do? He started laughing! "Hey, I may be pathetic but do you really have to laugh at me? Getting my heart all mangled is bad enough."
"No, no. I'm not laughing at *you.*"
"Sure seems that way." I grumbled. "Okay, out with it lizard-boy." (it's a term of endearment, really!) "What 's so damn funny?"
"We really hosed this up didn't we?" He started laughing even harder. It was getting pretty scary. "You thought I hated you, and I thought you found me revolting. And all along it was just a stupid misunderstanding!"
I giggled. I couldn't help it. It *was* funny. "So Jareth was wrong all along. You really do care." Catch stopped laughing. "What did I do now?"
"You saw Jareth?"
"Yeah, he stopped in twice. He tried to convince me I had to forget you and move on. Why?"
"That little-" This was followed by several words in a language I'd never heard before. I'm pretty sure it was swearing, though. "He stopped by Jen's and told me to stay away from you. I thought you'd sent him."
"That little-" This was followed by some words in perfectly understandable English, but which cannot be repeated here. The netgoblins have impressionable ears, y'know. "So you mean to say he's been plotting to keep us apart from the beginning, and all that time he was pretending to be concerned for me? What an egotistical, tights wearing-" More swears. "I'm going to strangle him myself!"
Catch was grinning. "Better yet, let's invite him to the wedding."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Bamfy~
Over all, it had been a very quiet in the Labyrinth. The fierys hadn't caused any chaos lately, he hadn't had to dunk anyone in the BOES all day, and the goblins hadn't destroyed anything major in over thirty minutes. Yup, pretty calm. Boy was J in for a surprise.
"Yer Highness! Yer Highness!"
"What *is* it, Yordal?" Jareth snapped irately at the goblin panting before him.
"Yer Majesty, this just arrived for you UPS." (Underground Postal Service, we deliver for you!) Yordal handed Jareth a plain brown envelope.
"Thank you." He took the letter to his rooms and tore off the brown packaging. Inside was a plain white envelope with his name written across it in fancy calligraphy. "I wonder who it's from." It wasn't often he received letters, and he momentarily cursed the fact he'd thrown the envelope with the return address in the fire. "Well, there's one way to find out." He reached over and retrieved a letter opener from his desk. He slit open the white envelope and pulled out the letter. As he did so, a mountain of glitter spewed forth onto the floor. "That's annoying." He opened up the letter, squinted at the scribbled handwriting for a few minutes, gave an irritated sigh, and snatched up his reading glasses from the desk. If anyone ever caught him wearing them he'd be absolutely mortified, but it was better than a splitting headache. "Let's see here....
"Dear J,
How'd you like the glitter? Annoying, isn't it. Turnabout is fair play, y'know. Anyway, I bet you're wondering why I'm bothering to write you a letter. It's 'cause I've got a big announcement to make and I wanted you to be the first to know. Catch and I are getting hitched! Isn't that wonderful? It was all a big misunderstanding all along. Now I know there's no love lost between you and Catch, but could you try to be happy for us? It wouldn't kill you to be nice once in a while. And he really is a great guy once you get to know him. Anyway, the wedding's in a week at St. Francis. It's near my house, I'm sure you can find it. Can't wait to see you!"
Bamfy
"What? They're getting married?" He re-read the letter to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. Nope, that's what it said. "I don't believe this. After all the effort I put forth to prevent this....well, it's best someone puts an end to this foolishness once and for all."
----
Albert Tross rubbed his temples absently as he looked over his appointment calendar. It was days like these when he wished he'd listened to his uncle and become a fire eater. It couldn't possibly be more stressful than dealing with dysfunctional couples all day. He double checked the names of his next appointment and punched the intercom button for his secretary. "Betty, what have I told you about booking prank calls?"
"What do you mean sir?"
"My calendar says my three o'clock is with some couple by the names of Bamfy and Catch. Doesn't that seem a little strange to you?"
The was a pause and the sound of pages being flipped as the secretary double-checked the appointment. "No, that's right. I have it right here. Bamfy and Catch for three o'clock. Didn't leave a last name."
"Well, I'll be here, but I have a feeling no one's going to show. Page me if they do."
"Yes sir."
Albert Tross leaned back in his chair and casually threw a few darts at a picture of Sigmund Freud tacked to his dart board. The buzzer on the intercom sounded, startling him and causing his dart to miss it's mark and embed itself in the wall.
"Sir, you're three o'clock is here." Came Betty's voice.
"Is something the matter? You sound a little shaken Betty."
"No sir. It's just- well I don't think you're going to believe this."
Trying to figure out just what Betty meant by that, he hastily pulled the darts out of the board and wall, then returned to his seat and busied himself with straitening papers as voices in the hall grew louder.
----
"Catch, why are we doing this? I really hate councilors and psychiatrists. They all think I'm crazy, and they give me the creeps. Did I mention I had one follow me around all of second grade because she was convinced I was anorexic or something? It scared me for life."
Catch laughed and patted my head. "We're doing this because it's what healthy, well-adjusted couples do before they get married."
"We're healthy and well-adjusted?"
"No...we want people to *think* we are."
"Why? Why can't we be dysfunctional and happy for the rest of our lives? Would that be so bad?" He laughed again. "I don't find it at all funny. I don't want to be psycho-analyzed!" I wailed.
"Now you're behaving worse than a two year old getting a shot. People are going to stare."
"Got news for ya Catch, they're already staring. Did you see that receptionist? I though she was going to keel over!" I giggled. Somehow the discomfort of others always brings out the best in me. I took a deep breath. "Okay, let's get this over with before I completely lose it and run out of here screaming."
----
Dr. Tross heard the door open and close. He glanced up and his jaw dropped. Standing before him was a rather nervous looking petite brunette, and standing next to her, with a protective arm around her shoulder was a...a... what the hell *was* that thing anyway? "Um...hello. I'm Dr. Tross." He extended his hand. The whatever it was shook it.
"Hi Doc. I'm Catch. This is my fiancee Bamfy." He said, squeezing the brunette's shoulder lightly with the other hand. "Say hi to the doctor, Bamfy."
"Un...Hi."
----
Okay. I'd made it into the office. So far, so good. Catch introduced us to the doctor. He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly."Say hi to the doctor, Bamfy."
"Un...Hi."
"You'll have to excuse her, Doc. She's always a little nervous around doctors. Must have been all that electroshock therapy they gave her as a child."
I was about to protest this blatant lie, but the look on the doctor's face was priceless. "Now honey, we agreed not to discuss that. People just don't believe in corporal punishment anymore."
"Um...yes. Shall we start?"
"Okay...." I actually had no idea what we were supposed to be doing. "What do I do?"
"Well, we talk over any trouble spots you might be having....try to work them out, that sort of thing. But why don't we start with how you two met."
Catch and I related the tale, and the doctor just nodded. I think he wanted to leap out his office window, actually.
"So, you two met at a pool party, then went to Vegas to elope, You sobered up and left." He said pointing to me. "And Catch got a tattoo."
"Yup. Want to see it?"
No...that's okay. And then Jareth-was he an old boyfriend or something?"
"No, Jareth's the Goblin King."
"I see....so he tried to keep you two apart...."
"Yeah. Very Romeo and Juliet, don't you think? Well, without the suicide part anyway." I giggled.
"...." Whatever the doctor was going to say was lost when Jareth burst in upon the scene with his customary display of glitter. He was brandishing the letter I had sent him.
"Glad you got it Jareth. I'll tell you , I didn't think it would get to you in one piece. Those goblins of yours are pretty stupid. Nice glasses, by the way."
With a very un-Jarethlike 'eep' he snatched the glasses off his face and hid them in his cloak. He must have pockets in it or something.
"You never saw those."
"Of course not." I turned to Dr. Tross who was watching the whole scene play out with understandable disbelief. "This is Jareth, the guy I was telling you about...well he seems to have something against me marrying a demon. Go figure."
It was then I noticed the doc's face had turned bright red. "Get out of here. You're all crazy! Take your demon and your Goblin King and get out of my office!"
"Okay, sheesh. This is why I stay away from psychiatrists. They always go postal on me. Jareth, you need to unclench. We're getting married. Face it. It's my life to screw up in any way I wish and I don't need you bothering me."
"But..."
"If you don't leave now, I'll tell everyone about the reading glasses."
"Very well." He vanished again, spraying more glitter around the office.
"Come on Catch. We'll go home and watch some Rugby or something."
----
"You're kidding."
"No. When I called back later his secretary said something about him joining a circus and becoming a fire eater. Less stressful or something."
"I don't believe you Bamfy. Is it your life goal to drive everyone insane or something?" My friend Kitty (Official assistant to the official secretary to HRT) asked. I shrugged.
"I do it inadvertently. Come on. I've only got a week left and I need to find a dress. Are you going to be maid of honor, or are you backing out?"
"And miss all the chaos? Count me in."
"Good. Oh, hey, I almost forgot the best part of the whole thing. Jareth wears reading glasses!"
"No way."
"Really. But you didn't here it from me." I giggled and we set off into the mall to find the perfect dresses.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Jen-Bee~
Onto the disclaimers!
Goblins, Jareth, Hanson, the fairy-tale whose name I forgot, the colour blue, crushed velvet, Bamfy, Hell, various demons, St. Francis church, telephones, & the bible do not belong to me except in my sick deluded little mind, & do you even want to mess with that?
--------------------
Ring.
"Damn that thing." I thought.
Ring.
"Go away!" I said.
Ring!
"Fine, have it your way." I stood up & rubbed my eyes. I had been staring at my sketchpad for the past 3 hours, trying to work out a dress design that was just not the cooperating type. Then again, dresses hardly ever are.
RING!
"I'm coming already; hold your bladder!!" I picked up the phone & growled into it. "What?" The voice that chirped back at me made my mood perk up severely. "How'd it go?... yeah?... uh-huh... you did!!??.. a trapeze artist??..... that big-haired fairy bitch.... yeah... okay, put her on.. Hi hon!..... Catch told me... hmmm..... well that bites.......... you invited him?!... I know..... the mall does not do well in the way of wedding gowns..... well, if you need any help... oh, no, of course it isn't any trouble...... yeah... okay.... bye-bye!"
I had just volunteered to plan a wedding. Fortunately, Catch was going to send me a little bit of help, in the form of Trouble. I meandered into the kitchen, took the pot of coffee off the counter, & carried it into my drawing room. I glared at the drawing on my desk & said, "Okay you. Change of plans. & we're not stopping until we get it right, even if it takes all night."
RING!!
"Again?! Dammit!!" I turned to give the phone the evil eye.
RING!!
The door. Oops. Wrong ring. I went to the front door & opened it to find a huge pile of books, fabrics, & various miscellany carried by a tall, dark green figure. It barged by me, set the stack of stuff down, & grasped my hand, which was dwarfed by his gnarled clawed one. "Grandpappy Trouble, at your service, Dinge."
"Jen."
"Whatever-Jen, Dinge, it's all the same. Catch sent me to help out with the wedding. You ready to get to work?"
----------
I rolled my head & rubbed the dark circles under my eyes. I had gotten 6 hours sleep over the past week preparing for today. I yawned & a voice behind me mocked, "Sleep is for weaklings!"
"That's easy for you to say-you don't have to." I turned & smiled at Trouble, provider of the sleep comment. It was true that he didn't require sleep, but he looked like he could use a nap too. The past week had been crazy-- & great.
Through faxing & phone calls, we had managed to put together a wedding in a week. We did everything including make the outfits (apparently hell teaches a bitchin' home ec class), get a marriage license from the sixth circle of hell (Vegas wouldn't agree to it. Go figure), purchase rings (much to the dismay of Trouble, who wanted to be old-fashioned & use collars), & arrange for a minister, by far the hardest part. I mean, you try to find a man of the cloth who's willing to marry a demon!
The solution was quite simple after alot of thought tho. What we needed was someone who was completely immoral & at the same time connected to a church legally. I slipped the robe over my head, picked up the worn crimson bible next to me, & thought, "Thank you, Universal Life Church."
Trouble glared at me in mock consternation. "I can't believe you're going to marry them. It's *wrong*."
I shook the long braid my hair had been pulled back into. "You're the one to talk. I'm not the one who resides in hell. Ready to check on the bride & groom to-be?"
"Let's go!" he said, & bounded out of my dressing room. I walked down the hall to the groom's dressing room & knocked softly on the door.
"C'mon in." I walked in to see Catch perfectly prepared & pacing. "I don't know about this. What if we're wrong? What if I trip? What if the violinists spontaneously combust? What if..."
"Shut up, child." Captain Sensitivity Trouble to the rescue.
"He means it's going to be alright. As soon as you see her, you'll realize that this is going to be perfect."
"No, I meant for him to shut up."
He abruptly stopped pacing. "Do I look okay?" He gestured down to his outfit. A black tophat, black crushed velvet formal coat with tails, hunter green silk cummerbund, green & midnight blue flecked scarf tucked into his winter-white formal silk shirt that had silver cufflinks that were in the shape of infinity signs, & winter white beggars gloves (his claws didn't work well with full gloves).
"Catch, you are dressed to the nines. You could charm a snake with that outfit."
"I don't want to charm a snake, I want to charm Bamfy. What if she's having second thoughts? What if she escaped through the bathroom window? What if she spontaneously combusts?"
"Catch, get over it. Everything's going to be perfect."
"What if it's not? Let me go talk to her!"
I blocked the door. "You can't, it's bad luck. All your babies will look like monkies if you do."
"The band or the primate?"
"The band." Catch shuddered. "Just sit down & attempt to relax. We'll be ready in a minute."
Trouble & I walked out of the room. I shut the door behind us, Trouble shoved a chair under the doorhandle. "Just in case." he said, eyes sparkling. We walked to the end of the hall & entered the bride's dressing room. Bamfy was pacing around, wringing her hands together & mumbling something about spontaneous combustion.
"What if Jareth tries to ruin the wedding?"
"I don't think he will-he showed at my house a few days ago & quickly disappeared." I glanced conspiratorially at Trouble. I left out the part about Trouble threatening to decapitate the Goblin King.
She turned towards us & said, "Something old."
Trouble looked to me. "Something old?"
I explained, "The old marriage rhyme:
Something old, something new,
Something borrowed, something blue,
All of these the bride must wear,
Or trouble follows everywhere."
He snorted. "I certainly do not! I have better things to do! But just
in case, I brought something." He presented a small white box to Bamfy.
"My wife wore it, & I just thought it'd be nice. It's a few hundred
years old, but...."
Bamfy opened the box & gasped. It was an old Victorian style garter, lacy & slightly dull from age. "It's wonderful!" Bamfy exclaimed, throwing her arms around Trouble's neck. He reddened & I laughed.
"Mr. Collars-instead-of-rings, kill-her-housepets has a soft side, eh??"
A large figure darkened the doorway, the voice booming. "Trouble, get out of the bride's room before I have to carry you out by the neck. This girl's gotta get ready!"
I waved. "Hi Xelie! Come to retrieve your husband?"
"I suppose I'd better or this wedding will never start."
Trouble grumbled as he left the room. "Well, Bamf, we're on in five. See ya then."
----------
I stood in front of the altar & surveyed the occupants of the church. On my right, Bamfy's guests sat, which included most of the listians & a half-dozen goblins who had made a big fuss when they found out Quilk was not attending. Noticeably absent was Jareth. The left side was a bit stranger, containing a motley crew of demons, a few mythical creatures, & the Hanson brothers. One smiled at me & flicked his forked tongue out at me. I shuddered as the tune "Where's the Love" started playing in my mind. It was quickly drowned out by the string quintet's rendition of the wedding march.
Bamfy looked, in a word, amazing. Her dress was absolutely perfect. Its surcoate was winter white crushed velvet with hunter green satin trim, midnight blue belt, & a faux underdress in winter white lace that came to her hands in a beggar glove style, & also made up the rever & the forepart. The sleeves were renaissance-style, having an excess at the elbows that was lined with midnight blue silk. She walked down the aisle slowly, a picture of matrimonial perfection. I waited for something to go wrong. I cringed in anticipation. Nothing happened. The song ended & it was my turn to go.
"'When that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part; but then I shall know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, & charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.', I Corinthians 13:10, 12, & 13. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the union of...."
-----------
"... & so, if anyone here as a reason that this man.. umm... that these two should not be joined in holy matr... ummm... matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." Here it came. I knew some one was going to have some reason. Someone was going to barge through those doors. Something was going to go wrong!
Silence.
I quietly muttered, "I'll be damned." & continued my speech. "Very well then, do you, Bamfy take this ma... umm..."
"STOP!!" came a voice from the back (oh c'mon, you knew it was coming.). I looked up to see none other than Jareth (surprise.), who had flung the doors to the church open, wind & snow swirling around him. He stormed down the aisle, a goblin following close behind him. I was amazed at how heroic he looked. "Bamfy, you cannot marry this creature. & now I have a reason! This goblin woman--" he gestured at the goblin by his side, "--has borne Catch's offspring." Everyone on Bamfy's side gasped. Everyone on Catch's side of the church laughed.
I thought back to the fateful pool party. "Wait a minute, Jareth. I told you that Catch & I were not responsible for any pregnant goblins, & that control, fault, etc., were yours. Therefore, if the child is Catch's, then the child is yours. Are you willing to take this goblin as your own child just to spite Bamfy & Catch?" Okay, so this didn't make any sense to me, but it sounded like it did.
Jareth, however, seemed to glean some sense from my little speech. "Fine, Jennifer. Have it your way. But you'll see why I'm right, & don't come crying to me."
"Jareth, please sit down & enjoy the wedding. For everyone's sake." He glared at me, & slunk to an empty pew, continuing his glare all through the ceremony.
-----------
"You may now kiss the bride!" Catch leaned over to Bamfy & embraced her. I looked out at Jareth, who was still grimacing. I smiled at him in that grand "nyeah-nyeah-nyeah" fashion. Bamfy suddenly gasped. I looked at the couple before me, & almost had a coronary. Catch was.... human?
Where the demon had been before now stood a 20-something man, 6', with jet black hair that came to his chin in wispy strands, brilliant gold eyes, pointed nails, & a smile that could only be Catch's, complete with pointed teeth. He was thin & angular, with just enough muscle on his narrow frame. He stared into Bamfy's eyes & said, "Surprised, aren't you?"
A puff of smoke appeared next to me. When it cleared a short black beast with a set of horns was standing next to me. He moved the wire-framed glasses on the bridge off his nose & squinted up towards Catch. "Catch, my boy!" he exclaimed. "What have you gotten yourself into this time?"
"What does it look like, Haze?"
"A marriage, unfortunately."
Bamfy interrupted the pleasant discourse. "What's going on here?"
Haze turned to Bamfy. "Well, missy, you've just married a demon. As you can see, the Kiss of True Marriage--"
I jumped in, "You mean the kiss of true love?"
"No, the Kiss of True Marriage. Love come & goes, but marriage is eternal."
"What about divorce?"
"In hell, there is a reason that divorce & disembowelment begin with the same letter. As I was saying, The Kiss Of True Marriage has turned Catch into his human form. Bamfy, you have a choice. Either Catch stays in his human form during the day & reverts back into a demon at night, or he is a demon by day & a human by night. Which shall it be?"
Bamfy drew in a breath, & contemplated it. She answered, "Whichever Catch wants is what I'll choose."
Haze smiled & said, "Correct, missy! Good luck to you both!", & disappeared in another puff of smoke. All the demons cheered.
Catch explained. "If you had made any other choice we would never be able to see each other again. Love, true love, is made of sacrifice for the object of your affection. You did well, my darling." He embraced her again & everyone cheered.
"Alright already!" I announced, making the sign of the cross "Go in peace to love & serve he lord, now let's all get our asses down to the martini bar!" A reception had been abandoned for a collective drinking binge.
-----------
I threw back my drink & watched as, to my dismay, a conga line formed. I heard something hiss in my ear, "I know you're a woman of the cloth, but the cloth comes off, right?" I turned only to be face to face with one of the Hansons. I screamed & ran across the dance floor, shaking with fear. I grabbed a glass of champagne out of a waiter's hand & downed it in three gulps.
"My, my, someone have a little scare?"
"Shut up Jareth. You almost ruined a perfect wedding, you know."
"I was just trying to protect Bamfy from getting hurt."
I pointed at Bamfy & Catch, who were feeding cake to each other & looking for all the world like a sick Kodak commercial. "Does she look hurt to you?"
"No, but she could have been. What if she had answered wrong? What if--" Jareth was interrupted by a waiter spontaneously combusting.
THE END!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Frightening, isn't it?
