It's A Wonderful Labyrinth
(And a rather blatant parody)


	Jareth was the Goblin King, and ruler over the Labyrinth. He was a 
just and fair king, in his opinion. But his fateful followers, the Listians, were cruel to him, putting 
him through any number of humiliating situations solely for their perverse 
amusement.  They might have stopped, or at least given him a rest between 
attempts at dying his hair absurd colors, had he spoken up. But Jareth was 
a king, and kings were supposed to be strong. Begging for their mercy would 
have been a mortal blow to his heavily inflated ego.
	And so he suffered in silence, through many a long month...until 
one night, worn out by a day of punting minions, and hurt beyond words by 
the harsh, ungrateful words of his Listians, he could bear it no longer.

The king made a wish.

It was just a small wish, really, half thought through and born of months 
of frustration. But in the Labyrinth, you have to be careful what you wish 
for.

You just might get it.

"I wish I'd never been born!" The ground beneath him seemed to tremble 
slightly as he raised his voice to the heavens. But being a king, and 
therefor being quite used to things trembling in his wake, he didn't think 
much of it.

"You *do* realize what you've done." Came a voice form behind him. He spun 
around to face the person who had gall enough to invade upon his privet 
sanctum. It was a girl in faded jeans and a grey tee-shirt. She leaned 
against the door frame nonchalantly and observed him casually.

"Who are you?" He demanded in his most authoritative voice.

"Depends on who I'm talking to. For you, I'm just a guide."

"To what?" He was still wondering who this arrogant person was.

"To a world, or in this case Underground, where you never existed. That 
*was* your wish, after all."

"Don't be ridiculous. I demand you give me a straight answer this minute." 
He stomped his foot for emphasis.

The girl sighed and rolled her eyes. "Look, I *really* don't have time for 
this. Let's just get started, okay?" She snapped her fingers and they were 
instantly transported to outside the Labyrinth's main gates. Almost 
immediately, Jareth noticed something was amiss.

"Someone cleaned up out here." The ponds were no longer murky and scummy. 
They were now crystal clear with fish in them and little fountains bubbling 
up in center.
	The gates themselves had been completely painted over with a faux 
patina so that they were now much the same color as the Statue of Liberty. 
Flower beds had been planted all along the walls, with roses, lilies and 
other such ornamental plant life. There was not a fairy to be seen.

"Indeed. Shall we go in?" With a wave of her hand the girl opened the gates
and they stepped inside. 
	The corridor looked as if it had been hand scrubbed by hand. All 
of the cracks and crevices had been filled and there was no sign of the 
eye-ball plants or the helpful worm.

"What's going on here?"

The girl gave him an exasperated look. "Listen close, 'cause I'm only going 
to explain this once. You wished you'd never been born. Presto. I'm here to 
show you what the Labyrinth would be like without you."

"So, in this version of the Underground, I never existed?"

"Bravo. Someone give the man a cigar, I think he's got it."

Jareth scowled at her. "Show me more."

"All right, but remember, you asked for it." She snapped her fingers again.

"Where are  we now?"

"Don't you recognize it?"

"Wait a moment...there used to be guards here, and the logic puzzle you had
to solve."

"That's right. One of them always told the truth, and the other always 
lied."

"Actually, they both lie." He smirked. "And both doors lead to obbliets."

"Not very sporting of you." The girl commented. "Anyway, pick a door."

"Come now. I'm certainly not stupid enough to fall into one of my own 
obbliets." He appeared insulted.

"Forget about the stupid obbliets. Pick a door."

"Fine." He replied in an exasperated tone, "The right one."

The girl stepped forward and the right door swung open before her. He was 
really beginning to get annoyed at these little magical displays of hers. 
About the only thing that kept him on this little tour was his desire to 
know just what the hell was going on. 

The girl had stopped before the gapping hole in the flag stones. "Come on."
She called.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

She pointed down. "I think you'll find it not at all as you remember it. 
Care to take a look?"

"What harm could it possibly do?" He all but muttered. This was all 
beginning to wear on him a bit. the girl descended into the pit, using a 
metal ladder attached to one of the walls. the helping hands were 
completely absent. "I don't like the looks of this..." A golden glow 
emanated from somewhere below them. When they finally dropped down into the 
room, he gaped in horror. In place of his terrible, nasty obbliet was a 
room that could only be described as 'cosy'. the walls were covered in rich
tapestries. There were Turkish rugs on the floor. A leather wing chair sat 
facing a roaring fire in a marble fire place. the worst blow though, the 
absolute worst was the silver tea service on a mahogany table, with two 
stemming cups of tea seeping. He let off a stream of curses that would 
have sent sailors running from the hills with their ears covered. The girl 
calmly picked up one of the delicate tea cups, stirred in some milk and 
sugar with a tiny silver spoon, and took a sip.

"It really is quite nice, you have to agree."

"Nice? Nice? For a study maybe. For a pit where you're supposed to suffer 
a horrible death, it is not nice. It's like the Spanish inquisition wearing
pastels. It's anything but nice."

The girl kept sipping her tea as he launched into a rather lengthy tirade. 
He wasn't taking this very well, and it was only the tip of the iceberg. 
Things could get ugly, she thought grimly. He shut up finally and started 
gasping for breath.

"Done now? Good. 'cause we've got lots more to see, and we have an 
appointment to keep later." With yet another snap of the fingers they 
appeared in another part of the Labyrinth. 
	Where as they had not seen any of the Underground's inhabitants up 
until now, there were several goblins wandering around the area. Well, he 
assumed they were goblins, it was hard to se because of the sun glinting 
off their helmets which were as bright as new copper kettles. In fact he 
had a suspicion that they might have been copper kettles at some point in 
distant history. But it was what they were doing that disturbed him the 
most. Everywhere they were scurrying around turning the hedge maze into a 
complex series of topiaries. Jareth's face turned bright red in anger. 
"That is it! I demand to know who is responsible for this flagrant 
defacement of my kingdom!"

His tour guide to a few cautious steps back. "Hey, cool it before you blow 
a gasket. We've got just a few more things to see, but I'll try to speed 
it up if it's upsetting you this much." She proceeded to take him on a 
record visitation of the entire Labyrinth. He wasn't sure which unnerved 
him more, the sight of Ludo in a sailor suit, or the fireies knitting in 
the woods.  They were now heading down a narrow path with woods pressing 
close on each side. He knew all too well where this path led. The Bog. But 
by all rights he should have been able to smell the blasted thing by now. 
Instead all he was getting was a whiff of perfumed air so flowery it made 
him gag. After a minute they emerged from the woods and the sight that 
presented itself could not be described. "What is that?" He asked, 
completely and totally shocked.

A wicked smile spread over the girl's face. "What, this? It's the Bog of 
Eternal Potpourri. Don't you just love it?" She took a deep breath and 
smiled again.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Jareth was turning green.

"Oh, we can't have that. We still have an appointment to keep back at the 
castle." She snapped her fingers again. Torturing him like this was too 
fun. She hoped what he saw next wouldn't scar him for life.
	A wail broke form the king as he laid eyes upon his former abode. 
It was lavender. Someone had painstakingly painted the entire thing that 
nauseating shade of purple, and replaced all the trim with gingerbread 
moldings. He would have sank to his knees them and there had the girl not 
grabbed his arm to keep him standing. "Hush now." She said and pointed 
ahead of her. The huge doors at the front of the castle opened and a 
figure clad in a gold robe stepped forward. There were numerous goblins 
swarming about, all wearing monogrammed cardigans.  

"Who is that?" The king asked in a shaky voice. 

"The new ruler of the Labyrinth." His guide said mater of factly. "Martha 
Stewart."

"Noooo! I won't allow this!"

"Shut up. You forfeited your claim to the throne when you made that stupid 
wish."

"I take it back! I'm sorry!. I see how important I am to the Labyrinth. 
This horror cannot  be allowed to continue! Turn it back." He was 
practically on his knees.

"Well, I don't know....a wish *is* a wish. By all rights, I could make 
you suffer this forever."

"No, Please. Anything. I'll do anything, just turn it back. I'm begging."

"Promise to behave from now on? To be a good king?"

"Yes. Anything."

She sighed. The sight of him groveling at her feet was pretty satisfying, 
but even she couldn't torture him anymore. She snapped her fingers. "There.
It's all back to the way it was before. Make the most of it, okay?"

"Yes, of course.  Thank you!"

"Whatever." She tried not to get sick as he fell to the ground and started 
kissing it. 


So, did the king change his ways? Was he kind and caring towards his 
goblins and the Listians form that day onward? Get real. This is Jareth 
we're talking about.

THE END

Disclaimer: I've used and abused It's a Wonderful life, The Labyrinth and 
Martha Stewart. And I'd do it again too! Mwahaha!