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Q: What is an Orbital Mind Control Laser?
A: There is no such thing as an Orbital Mind Control Laser.
Q: How does the Orbital Mind Control Laser work?
A: There is no such thing as an Orbital Mind Control Laser.
Q: Are Orbital Mind Control Lasers dangerous?
A: If there were Orbital Mind Control Lasers they would pose absolutely no threat to anyone.
Q: Who uses Orbital Mind Control Lasers?
A: We cannot divulge who our clients are, but we assure that the lasers are for everyone.
Q: How do I know if Orbital Mind Control Lasers are for me?
A: Are you a large trans-national corporation, a major religion, or a voting member of the United Nations? If you are, OMCLs are most likely for you. Don't limit yourself to thinking that only the fore mentioned are the only ones with uses for OMCLs; after all, regular Joes sometimes need to sway public opinion to.
Q: Can I protect myself from Orbital Mind Control Lasers?
A: As earlier stated, OMCLs, hypothetically, are not dangerous. Not to mention, putting tin foil on your head WILL NOT stop them.
Q: My brother bought an OMCL and the Cerebral Induction Focuser malfunctioned, what can he do?
A: None of our products has ever suffered a malfunction, but if one should occur, all of our products have a lifetime guarantee. If it doesn't operate properly, we will fix the situation.
Q: Our local boy scout troop would like to tour your facility, how can we do so?
A: You can't. We do not allow visitors due to insurance restrictions. We suggest that you take them to the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum. All children love the genuine replica of the Wright Brother's plane.
Q: Why do I get these awful headaches and urges to assassinate major political leaders?
A: We would not acknowledge such a question as having anything to do with OMCLs, but popular urban myth forces us to defend our product. OMCLs do not cause people to have headaches, kill presidents, buy Coca-cola, get divorced, or listen to Elvis. Any such suggestion is purely fictitious.
Q: Does the United States Government fund the construction of OMCLs?
A: Orbital Mind Control Inc. is a privately founded and operated business. We do accept contracts from national governments. Whether or not the US Government is a client we can not say.
Q: Where can I get a "My Brain is Controlled from Space!" T-shirt?
A: A lack of interest in the T-shirts has caused us to cease production of the shirts. Unless sufficient demand is shown for the shirts, they will not be available. The same goes for the bumper stickers, coffee mugs, ties, hats, and temporary tattoos.
Q: How can I get my own Orbital Mind Control Laser?
A: Why it's so simple! Just contact someone in our marketing department. You can find email links to them in the "Products" and "Services" section of this site.
